Tag Archives: pound

Pound is 147th best performing currency of the year, boasts Liam Fox

By Dorothy Hotdog

Liam Fox has boasted that the British Pound is now the 147th best performing currency of 2016, it has emerged.

The Secretary of State for International Trade said: “Beating both the Nigerian Naira and Angolan Kwanza shows what an economic powerhouse Brexit Britain is becoming.”

“We are now within only a few percent of the Mozambique New Metical.”

Dr. Fox continued: “Our competitiveness with these African superpowers proves that not only will Brexit be a massive success, but the entire world will be queueing up to invest United Nations peacekeeping resources in us, creating exciting new trade opportunities for arms dealers and prostitution.”

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The Pound should shut up and get over it, a Leave voter has decided

The British Pound should shut up and get over the fact that it lost the referendum, a Leave voter has decided.

Chris Bumfield said: “On the 23rd of June, we voted to implement child-like economic and immigration policies which we believed would make us richer at the expense of foreigners and the young.”

“Unfortunately, those of us who voted to leave the EU were wrong about literally everything, and all the promises made by the Leave campaign turned out to be outright lies and were immediately discarded.”

“Nevertheless, the people have spoken and it is important for Britain to push on with its current suicidal course of action.”

“In light of this, I find it wholly unacceptable that the Pound has decided to go against the whim of the people by plunging in value against all other currencies, making everyone a lot poorer, including ignorant and proud Brexiters like me.”

“Our great British currency should just shut up and get over it. We won, it lost.”

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Retailers face call to introduce discount card for Leave voters

Retailers must introduce discount cards so that Leave voters can avoid the massive price rises they have caused, Boris Johnson has demanded.

Speaking on the BBC’s Daily Politics programme, the Foreign Secretary said: “The ongoing collapse of the Pound against most other currencies is all because Remain voters are talking the country down.”

“Therefore, it is with the utmost urgency that I call on British retailers to insulate patriotic Leave voters from these unforeseen price rises that they didn’t cause, by issuing a patriotic Brexit discount card.”

The formerly pro-EU politician added: “The costs will be more than offset through a series of penalty charges to be imposed on the people who caused the collapse in the Pound, and by that I mean anybody who believes the UK should stay in the EU.”

Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “Nobody could have predicted that unpatriotic Remain voters would talk-down the economy to such an extent that I too would be hit with dramatically higher retail prices, so I welcome the concept of a discount card to benefit me and all other Leave voters.”

The Britain First supporter added: “When I voted to leave the EU, I thought I’d only be ruining the lives of foreigners and stealing the future of young people, while awarding myself an even more comfortable lifestyle than I already had.”

“I wish one of those so-called ‘experts’ would have warned me about the consequences of Brexit.”

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Anger as Brexit bet winnings are completely wiped out by plunging Pound

By John M.

The dramatic plunge in the Pound after June’s Brexit vote has now resulted in an aggregate loss for those who bet on the UK to leave the European Union.

Despite predicting the Leave campaign’s ultimate victory (unlike the Brexit architects themselves), those who cashed in on the unlikely eventuality have seen the real value of their money depreciate such that they have less Pound in their pocket today than before the vote.

Visibly struck by the news, one resident of Taunton interviewed live on BBC News at 6: “Like many brexiters I marched gleefully to the bookmakers on June 24 to collect my winnings, but I now feel short-changed after the Remain voters unpatriotically talked down the Pound. The betting slip’s going to be worth more than the cash by winter.”

“My money might be worthless. But it’s British worthless money.”

He then reverted back to UKIP factory settings: “This is the Great British pound and we have taken back control. Taken back control. Taken back control…”

Elsewhere, in Downing Street, Theresa May has been advised by economists to physically seal her lips shut for the coming days after advisors remarked that the pound has been suffering crushing blows each time she opens her mouth.

Her own comments on the crisis were accordingly indecipherable: “Mhf, mhffmhf. Mhff.”

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BBC to stop covering Brexit because it’s been a ‘great success and now the matter is closed’

The BBC will no longer cover anything related to Brexit because it has been a great success and the matter is now closed, it has been announced.

A spokesman for the BBC said: “There is no truth at all in claims that Theresa May’s government has pressured us to hide the appalling negative impact of Brexit from our viewers.”

“The BBC has full editorial independence, which is why we’ve consistently toed the official Conservative Government’s line, giving David Cameron and now Theresa May an easy ride, and at the same time attacking Labour at every opportunity to give the Tories as much of an advantage as possible.”

“It is true, however, that the BBC has a duty to serve the public interest, and the best way to do this is to help the Tories implement cruel and insane policies that will ruin the lives of millions of people, including children.”

Brexit voter Chris Bumfield said: “Our ideological quest to leave an imaginary evil European empire is going splendidly, with no evidence having emerged to suggest that we are not hugely better off than before.”

“The other day somebody who knows things told me Brexit is going badly and that there’s something called ‘currency’ and it’s having a crisis right now.”

“But I put him straight: there is no currency crisis. In fact, every other currency around the world is suffering from hyperinflation due to Britain becoming so much more competitive and wealthy after our historic vote to leave the EU.”

Mr Bumfield added: “And if there are any negative effects from Brexit, which there definitely aren’t, they would be all the fault of the ‘Remoaners’ who keep talking the country down.”

“These Remoaners need to be quiet and help make Brexit a success, because this is a fascist state now and no dissent can be allowed.”

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