Tag Archives: Rupert Murdoch

Why professional liars like me fear social media, by Michael Gove

Recenty, a number of constituents have written to me to express genuine, right-wing concerns about the way social media is negatively affecting proffessional liars like me. Several of them described quite extreme cases where a younger relative has obtained access to fact-based information online, after violently shunning the centrist Murdoch press with aggressive words.

It is true that social media must be lauded allowing unprecedented interconnection and sharing of information between individuals, and the majority of people using social media to share selfies, funny videos of cats, or Daily Mail articles.

And although the vast majority of people use social media with moderation, there is now a hard-core minority who use social media to talk Brexit and the British Government down, putting in jeapardy British industry, the NHS, and even my own hard-won job as a professional liar.

By allowing ordinary people to fact check my lies and then expose my deceptive behaviour to tens of thousands of other people, social media is distorting politics and leading impressionable young people astray, breaking the natural connection between young people and the Conservative Party.

I have no doubt that most social media users between the ages of 16 and 35 would now be fully paid up members of the Young Conservatives, were it not for the corrupting influence of facts and the free exchange of ideas and information that fake news platforms like Facebook facilitate.

What’s more, Rupert Murdoch told me that if the younger generations continue to shun his loss-making fake news papers, he may have to shut them down altogether before too long. I know I am not alone in lamenting the imminent demise of much of the far-right press, whose long-term brianwashing of the British electorate has kept an otherwise centre-left country under the yoke of cruel right wingers for many decades.

This all needs to change, if democracy and the rule of law is to be protected. Something needs to be done about young snowflakes who use social media to defile Britain by rejecting Brexit and Tory misrule.

Therefore, if I become the next Prime Minister I will make church attendance compulsory on a Sunday, I will crack down on social media use by the young, and I will restore the Sun as the main source of news for the British electorate.


Rupert Murdoch blames real news for decline of his fake news empire

The growing availability of real news is to blame for the falling readership of fake news outlets like the Sun, Rupert Murdoch has claimed.

Dripping pure poison into the ear of a Newscrasher reporter, Murdoch said: “For decades I got away with spreading fake news through the Sun, the News of the World and, to a lesser extent, the Times and Sunday Times.”

“But in recent years social media has allowed people to be more picky about the kind of news and comment they consume, and many people are unfairly choosing honest journalism by media operations that are not owned by utter cunts like me.”

“News Corp made a loss of over 800 million Dollars for the 2017 financial year, for which I blame the large number of social media users who refuse to swallow the sick lies we publish, and who instead choose to get their news from one of the many independent news media websites that have the audacity to publish real news and to hold the Tories to account.”

“Despite the huge losses, I’ll still keep the Sun and my other shit rags in operation because of the political influence the give me, which I use to ruin the lives of ordinary people for my own personal financial gain. The Sun has always been a hard-right propaganda operation that tries to keep the working classes divided and hateful of foreigners and people on benefits, and against left wing policies that would improve their lives.”

“It gives me the biggest raging hard-on to I think I can put the Tories into power, who’ll then utterly destroy the lives of tens of millions of people, especially children and the disabled, and also kill tens of thousands of people by stopping their benefits.”


Only Sun and BBC should publish fake news, Labour’s Tom Watson argues

Only right-leaning media which are owned or controlled by Tories should be allowed to publish ‘fake news’, Labour’s Tom Watson has argued.

Speaking to Newscrasher, Deputy Labour Leader Tom Watson complained: “The internet and social media in particular have opened up frightening new possibilities for left wing people to share left wing opinions to a large audience, in direct competition to this country’s cherished right wing media outlets like the Sun, the Daily Mail, or the BBC.”

“In the past, people like me enjoyed relative freedom from criticism in the media as long as we didn’t do anything radical like try to help people who are poor. That kind of thing tends to anger rich media barons like Rupert Murdoch.”

“Unfortunately, there are now a number of left leaning news websites which support antichrist vampire Jeremy Corbyn, and if that isn’t bad enough, they have been willing to expose my scheme to ensure the Labour under Corbyn is disunited and unable to mount any serious opposition to the government.”

Mr. Watson continued: “Websites such as The Canary or Evolve Politics have been particularly effective at challenging our right wing narrative. Although these websites are far more truthful than the Sun or Mail, my crony Michael Dugher is going to brand them ‘fake news’ sites in an attempt to discredit them. Of course, in a sense they are fake news because they support Jeremy Corbyn and not me.”

Micheal Dugher, who is tasked with leading a crusade against left wing independent media, also said: “It would be great if we could have them all banned, along with satire sites too. More often than now, they are worryingly close to the truth and are damaging my faction’s repeated attempts to overthrow Jeremy Corbyn, who has repeatedly failed to acknowledge Tom’s decree that this is a right wing party now.”

“I wish we could just uninvent the internet and go back to the days when people had no choice but to believe the outright lies published by right wing media Barons like Rupert Murdoch.”

This story is, of course, satirical.


Theresa May had a private meeting with her boss, Rupert Murdoch

Theresa May had a private meeting with her boss Rupert Murdoch during a visit to New York last week, in which she made her maiden speech to the UN as self-proclaimed dictator of the United Kingdom.

The Prime Minister announced: “Rupert Murdoch is a great friend to the United Kingdom, and he has promised to keep on smearing Jeremy Corbyn as long as I do everything he asks of me, starting with hard Brexit and privatisation of the BBC.”

“We also discussed the possibility of having The Sun newspaper officially declared ‘Jewish’, so that any criticism or refusal to buy the paper could be prosecuted as a race hate crime. Of course, we’re going to need a lot more surveillance of the general public to enforce this.”

Speaking at the UN  general assembly, Mrs. May argued that the fraudulent EU referendum result was a signal that they want a “politics that is more in touch with their racist concerns and reckless action to address them”.

“It was also a very clear sign that the British people are ready for me to rule as a dictator, using the Royal Prerogative to bypass Parliament and simply do anything I want, whenever I want.”

“The challenge for those of us in this room is to ensure our governments and our global institutions, such as this United Nations, remain responsive to the people that we serve,” she added.

“When our friends in the media have brainwashed the people into being fearful of immigrants, then can we unleash our most repressive policies and destroy their lives with scams such as austerity and Brexit.”