Tag Archives: stoke

Paul Nuttall building time machine to go back and turn his lies into truth

Paul Nuttall is currently building a time machine that he claims will allow him to travel back through time and do things all the things he has lied about doing, it has emerged.

Speaking to BBC, which has been giving inexplicably undue airtime to his party of fringe lunatics, Dr. Nuttall said: “Although people have doubted for years that time travel is possible, can I just remind the voters of stoke I have a PhD. And even if I don’t I will soon go back in time and make it so.”

Nuttall also plans to leave himself a copy of the 1957 sports almanac, and to place a bet on 96 people dying at Hillsborough in 1989: “If it worked for Donald Trump and Biff Tannen it can work for me.”

Among the historical events that Nuttall plans to attend are the invasion of Poland by Germany that triggered World War 2, and the assassination of Clement Attlee in 1946 which prevented the NHS being established in an alternative reality.

Nuttall also spoke of looking forward to torchlit rallies with kindred spirits at Nuremberg, and meeting General Pinochet in 1973.

“My favourite event however will be to go for a drink with Vladimir Putin in East Germany. There’s so much I can teach him, and learn from him.”


Paul Nuttall vows to follow in Farage’s footsteps by repeatedly failing to get elected

Paul Nuttall PhD has big plans to follow in the footsteps of Nigel Farage by repeatedly failing to get elected to the UK parliament, it  has emerged.

Professor Nuttall, who replaced Nigel Farage as leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party in December, has made taking Labour seats in the north and midlands a top priority, and has pledged to make UKIP the “party of working class racists who agree with my secret plan to privatise the NHS”.

The academic turned politician also told Newscrasher: “If Labour’s Andy Burnham wins the Manchester mayoral election and steps down as an MP triggering a by-election, I would run there too.”

“Doing so would give an additional opportunity for the public to reject the my hateful politics and those of my sinister, quasi-fascist party.”

A spokesperson for the Stoke Central Constituency Labour Party said: “We welcome Paul Nuttall to stand against our candidate here in Stoke. Having a racist twat like Mr. Nuttall hanging around would only serve to make our candidate look even better.”