Tag Archives: the sun

Why professional liars like me fear social media, by Michael Gove

Recenty, a number of constituents have written to me to express genuine, right-wing concerns about the way social media is negatively affecting proffessional liars like me. Several of them described quite extreme cases where a younger relative has obtained access to fact-based information online, after violently shunning the centrist Murdoch press with aggressive words.

It is true that social media must be lauded allowing unprecedented interconnection and sharing of information between individuals, and the majority of people using social media to share selfies, funny videos of cats, or Daily Mail articles.

And although the vast majority of people use social media with moderation, there is now a hard-core minority who use social media to talk Brexit and the British Government down, putting in jeapardy British industry, the NHS, and even my own hard-won job as a professional liar.

By allowing ordinary people to fact check my lies and then expose my deceptive behaviour to tens of thousands of other people, social media is distorting politics and leading impressionable young people astray, breaking the natural connection between young people and the Conservative Party.

I have no doubt that most social media users between the ages of 16 and 35 would now be fully paid up members of the Young Conservatives, were it not for the corrupting influence of facts and the free exchange of ideas and information that fake news platforms like Facebook facilitate.

What’s more, Rupert Murdoch told me that if the younger generations continue to shun his loss-making fake news papers, he may have to shut them down altogether before too long. I know I am not alone in lamenting the imminent demise of much of the far-right press, whose long-term brianwashing of the British electorate has kept an otherwise centre-left country under the yoke of cruel right wingers for many decades.

This all needs to change, if democracy and the rule of law is to be protected. Something needs to be done about young snowflakes who use social media to defile Britain by rejecting Brexit and Tory misrule.

Therefore, if I become the next Prime Minister I will make church attendance compulsory on a Sunday, I will crack down on social media use by the young, and I will restore the Sun as the main source of news for the British electorate.


Cyclists are dangerous say people whose preferred mode of transport kills or injures 200,000 people a year

Cyclists are a menace, according to people whose preferred mode of transport kills or injures 200,000 people each year, it has been reported.

Middle aged motorist Chris Bumfield said: “Nearly 2000 people were killed in road accidents involving motor vehicles last year, but I definitely think cyclists are way more dangerous than car drivers because of one recent high profile case where a cyclist accidentally collided with a pedestrian.”

“The right wing media were absolutely right to use a tragic accident like this to stir up animosity towards cyclists, because Sun-reading bigots like me enjoy having these feelings of hatred towards minority groups, and some people prefer to channel their hatred onto scapegoats that aren’t racial.”

“All cyclists should definitely be banned and forced to pay road tax, especially those who slow me down when I’m late for work, or when I just want to drive and text at the same.”

Sun editor Tony Gallagher said: “Our fake news paper has always campaigned in favour of right wing prejudices, and we are pleased to announce the start of a new anti-cycling campaign in the Sun.”

“I can reveal tomorrow’s front page will feature an exclusive story blaming cyclists for every type of cancer and linking them with increased rates of cardiovascular disease in middle aged drivers who hate cyclists.”

“By discouraging the public from using this inexpensive, healthy mode of transport, we aim to convert people of all ages into fat, middle-aged motorists who hate everyone except other fat, middle aged motorists.”


Rupert Murdoch blames real news for decline of his fake news empire

The growing availability of real news is to blame for the falling readership of fake news outlets like the Sun, Rupert Murdoch has claimed.

Dripping pure poison into the ear of a Newscrasher reporter, Murdoch said: “For decades I got away with spreading fake news through the Sun, the News of the World and, to a lesser extent, the Times and Sunday Times.”

“But in recent years social media has allowed people to be more picky about the kind of news and comment they consume, and many people are unfairly choosing honest journalism by media operations that are not owned by utter cunts like me.”

“News Corp made a loss of over 800 million Dollars for the 2017 financial year, for which I blame the large number of social media users who refuse to swallow the sick lies we publish, and who instead choose to get their news from one of the many independent news media websites that have the audacity to publish real news and to hold the Tories to account.”

“Despite the huge losses, I’ll still keep the Sun and my other shit rags in operation because of the political influence the give me, which I use to ruin the lives of ordinary people for my own personal financial gain. The Sun has always been a hard-right propaganda operation that tries to keep the working classes divided and hateful of foreigners and people on benefits, and against left wing policies that would improve their lives.”

“It gives me the biggest raging hard-on to I think I can put the Tories into power, who’ll then utterly destroy the lives of tens of millions of people, especially children and the disabled, and also kill tens of thousands of people by stopping their benefits.”


Labour inquiry into ‘fake news’ signals establishment fear of independent left wing media [editorial]

Something called ‘fake news’ is a worrying problem and one that urgently needs to be addressed, if Labour’s deputy leader Tom Watson is to be believed.

But here at Newscrasher, we were unable to name a single UK based ‘fake news’ website, and none of us can remember seeing any actual ‘fake news’ about UK politics in our social media feeds. We do tend to get a healthy dose of political satire, but only the most humourless of zealots would classify that as ‘fake news’.

On the other hand, we are acutely aware of a huge number of ‘fake news’ stories published in the established print media by the likes of the Sun, Mail and Express (to name but a few). Watson’s position appears to be that the Sun et al. may be a little bit naughty every now and again, it’s the online media which sometimes criticise him and offer a left wing perspective that are problematic.

Interestingly, Watson’s blog post about Labour’s newly launched inquiry into ‘fake news’ fails give any examples of UK ‘fake news’, nor does it offer any kind of definition of the term itself. Presumably it’s a case of ‘fake news’ means ‘fake news’, with the intention of applying this pejorative yet undefined term to news or opinion that Watson et al. find inconsistent with their own political narrative.

This could mean satirical stories of the kind published by Private Eye or Newscrasher, or left wing investigative journalism from sites like The Canary or Evolve Politics.

The well used truism that politicians never launch an inquiry without first being sure of the conclusions is unlikely to be wrong here. Reading between the lines, we can built up a picture of the kind of conclusions Watson et al. intend to draw.

In short, we expect the report to reach the following erroneous conclusions:

  • Facebook and Google should insert establishment-approved news into the social media feeds of left leaning users who would otherwise mainly see left leaning news.
  • The government should introduce some kind of regulation for online media, ostensibly to ensure a high level of truthfulness.

In addition, we expect the report to propose moves to make it more costly to start up or run a news and current affairs website. By introducing a system of website (or blogger) accreditation, stories could be flagged as ‘trustworthy’ and then shared freely on social media, but at a sufficiently high cost to discourage all but the most motivated or wealthy.

Needless to say, this would be bad for democracy and bad for the vast majority of the people. But it would be good news for the wealthy proprietors of the established right wing media, and their right wing allies in parliament, who have seen their ability to shape public opinion through information control greatly diminished in recent years.

The fear Watson and other members of parliament have about the democratisation of the media is palpable, and it is not difficult to understand why.

Among the possible futures forking out from where we find ourselves today, is one in which the traditional newspapers have all but died out and are replaced by media run by ordinary people, for ordinary people. Where being extremely wealthy is no longer a prerequisite for running a news media operation, and where having the support of a wealthy media magnate is no longer a prerequisite for getting elected to power.

Under these conditions it is conceivable that there could be a wave of left wing governments being elected to power, as the ordinary people genuinely take back control from the right wing establishment epitomised by millionaire self-proclaimed men and women of people like Nigel Farage and Theresa May.

The first steps along this path have already been taken, as shown by the growing number and popularity of independent news websites, and the falling sales and plummeting credibility of the likes of the Sun, the Daily Mail and even the BBC.

If the right are serious about holding on to power, then they’ll need to make a fight back, and Tom Watson’s proposed inquiry is likely to be the beginning of a coordinated attempt to roll back the recent democratisation of news and truth through social media.

While genuinely ‘fake news’ may indeed represent a real problem, Britain doesn’t need a witch hunt against independent left wing media.

What the country urgently needs is an inquiry into ‘fake Labour MPs’ like Tom Watson and Michael Dugher, who prefer to wage war against the left while providing essentially no opposition to the Tories.


Sun and Daily Mail could stop publishing fake news after crackdown by Facebook and Google

Several British tabloid newspapers, including the Sun,  the Daily Mail and the Daily Express have come under pressure from Facebook and Google to stop publishing fake news, it has emerged.

Daily Mail Columnist Katie Hopkins reacted angrily, telling listeners on LBC: “Were it not for the naked lies that the Mail, Express and others told during the EU referendum campaign, we would not be sitting here today planning for our glorious departure from the EU.”

“Outright racism and xenophobia would also not have become so socially acceptable as it is now thanks to the way certain heroic newspaper editors stoked fear and resentment towards foreigners and people who are not white British.”

“Surely we should be praising these patriotic newspapers and their staff, instead of trying to stop their foul lies from spreading all over social media like a virus?”

Sun editor Tony Gallagher was even more defiant: “At the Sun we haven’t actually published a factual story since 1983, and we have no intention of starting now.”

“If we’re forced to actually publish real stories and facts, how would we ever keep the working classes oppressed for our Tory masters?”

“An irrational fear of immigrants, Muslims and the EU is all that stands between the grossly unequal society of nightmares we have now, and a centre left paradise where wealth is much more fairly distributed and everybody has opportunities to succeed in life.”


Unelected elite are subverting democracy, says paper owned by a foreign unelected elite

The unelected elite are subverting democracy, according to a newspaper that is owned by a foreign born unelected elite.

The latest accusation by the Sun ‘newspaper’ comes in the wake a High Court ruling that we do still have laws and democracy in this country, and that the Prime Minister should stop pretending the people voted for a dictatorship.

Former Sun editor Kelvin MacKenzie said: “It is an outrage that three unelected judges who are probably not even racist can reach a decision that I do not like, based on an objective and dispassionate examination of the law.”

“They and the majority of the British public are all enemies of the people because they oppose Brexit.”

Speaking from atop a mountain of cash on a private island, the foreign-born unelected elite Rupert Murdoch added: “Over the years I have spent a considerable sum of money stoking anti-foreigner racism and resentment using my shit rag The Sun.”

“But now the unelected elite in the judiciary and on Match of the Day, some of whom are either gay or from Leicester, are attempting to subvert democracy and overturn the will of Sun readers, who have very real ‘concerns’ about immigration and Jeremy Corbyn.”

“It now goes without saying that my assistant Theresa May must find a way to bend the United Kingdom to my fascist will, because I’m not about to see my investment in hate go to waste now.”


The Sun launches campaign for BBC to sack everyone who isn’t a heartless bastard

The Sun has launched a new campaign to pressure the BBC into sacking all of its employees who are not utterly heartless bastards, it has been announced.

Sun columnist Katie Hopkins said: “It makes me physically sick to know that our state broadcaster has been infiltrated by a small number of presenters who are not heartless, hard-right bastards like me.”

“It made my blood boil to see Gary Lineker describe foreign children as ‘humans’, instead of calling for them to be tortured to death and then burned in ovens as I would have done.”

“In the name of patriotism and democracy, we are calling for Gary and all other BBC employees who are not heartless bastards to be sacked, in order to satisfy the primitive racist urges of millions of racist bigots who read the Sun and other rabidly right wing tabloids.”

The widely reviled Z-list celebrity added: “I’m living proof that the human body can survive without a brain.”


Just submit to my will and human rights won’t be necessary, Theresa May announces

You will not need any human rights if you submit to me, your new dictatorial overlord, Theresa May has announced.

“For too long the government have tolerated the European concept of human rights, much to the annoyance of people like me who want to be able to do anything I want to you little people.”

“But on June 23rd the people have given me a massive mandate to do anything I want, and this includes the abolition of all human rights and all worker’s rights.”

The Prime Minister continued: “In our brave new world, there will be no need for human rights to protect patriotic and hard-working Britons from their masters in the government, unless they are engaged in criminal activities, which includes socialist thought-crime and the treasonous activity of trying to overthrow a Conservative government via the ballot box.”

“Likewise, all good British born patriots will surely agree that worker’s rights are entirely unnecessary if you are a hard-working, wealth-creater earning £100,000 a year or more.”

Sun reader Jeff Bumfield commented: “I agree with whatever lies the Sun publish today. I read the Sun for the same reason that I eat and drink from the toilet — I love to swallow shit.”