Tag Archives: thought crime

Now let’s achieve 100% thought-crime conviction rate, says Theresa May

Theresa May has issued a plea for Parliament and the security services to help her to achieve a 100 per cent conviction rate for all types of thought-crime, it has emerged.

Speaking outside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister said: “As I tighten my openly dictatorial grip on the reins of power, it is essential that government agents working in the shadows are given the tools they need to snoop on everybody’s online activity.”

“Because of the political turmoil I have helped to induce, these are turbulent times. And to defend the will of the people and the far right revolution as embodied by me, it is essential that crack down on all enemies of the people.”

“So to the security services, to Parliament, and to patriotic right-wing members of the public, I say this. Let us boldly try to raise the thought-crime conviction rate to 100 per cent, or even higher if we can, to ensure Brexit Britain becomes a story of titanic success.”

“Unfortunately, gone are the days when people could only get their fake news and comment from a newspaper owned by a high net worth individual like Rupert Murdoch, or from a state-regulated television channel like the BBC.”

“And we now face the spectre of deplorably unbiased or left wing news being made freely available to anybody with a social media account, which poses a serious and existential threat to the established natural order of Tory hegemony over this country.”

“We know that many unpatriotic individuals are already committing serious thought crimes on a daily basis. Often, this goes beyond something as simple as sharing one of NewsThump’s satirical news story about me, which itself is a powerful gateway to radicalisation, and can turn into outright extremism such as plotting the overthrow of my cruel dictatorship using the ballot box.”


Proposed reforms to English language will make criticism of Tories impossible, say Labour

Several high profile members of the Labour party have spoken out strongly against the reforms to the English language proposed by the Government.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn described the proposed reforms as “fundamentally undermining our right to freedom of expression” and “an attempt to implement the Orwellian nightmare of newspeak.”

The reforms include changes to grammar rules so that negative or insulting adjectives cannot be used when the Conservative Party or the name of any Conservative MP is the subject of the sentence. The Government has also published a list of recommended adjectives for use when Conservatives are the subject, ranging from ‘good’ to ‘double-plus good’.

Conversely, positive adjectives will no longer be permitted in sentences where Labour is the subject. To describe Jeremy Corbyn, the only permitted adjectives are to be ‘hard-left’ and ‘terrorist sympathiser’ — a rule that is already being strictly observed by the Daily Mail.

Speaking in Parliament about the proposed reforms, hard right prime minister David Cameron said: “What this country needs is a strong economy and an end to terrorism. By making efficiency savings to the vocabulary of the English language, our reforms will not only boost economic activity and create jobs, but will make it impossible for terrorist sympathisers like Jeremy Corbyn to threaten the security of hardworking families earning £100,000 or more a year.”

However, a number of Blatcherite Labour MPs have expressed incredulity that Jeremy Corbyn would oppose the bill. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a prominent Blatcherite MP said: “Jeremy needs to get real and recognise that the Tories won, and they won because Labour weren’t right wing enough. Honestly, we need to be more appealing to the right wing voters who would have voted for Tony Blair, and this means supporting the Tory crackdown on thought-crime.”

The mouthy MP added: “Once I’ve stabbed Jeremy in the front and back and assumed leadership of the party, I can guarantee you I’ll take Labour back to Tory-lite against the wishes of the party membership.”

A number of prominent Conservative MPs have voiced strong support for the bill. Speaking outside Parliament, Government minister Chris Grayling told reporters: “Long have satirical bullies conspired to disparage and humiliate the honest and caring Conservative members of Parliament, of which I am an exceptional example.”

“Words cannot express how pleased I am that soon it will be impossible for the Conservative Government to be the subject of mirth and ridicule, be this via the intelligent satire of broadcasters like Charlie Brooker, or crude internet memes alluding to the unproven but undenied allegation that David Cameron once fucked a dead pig in the head.”