The left-wing Labour group Momentum is a terrorist organisation and is in possession of weapons of mass destruction, Tony Blair has claimed.
The disgraced former prime minister made the claim after a press conference in which he and Labour General Secretary Iain McNicol released an official list of forbidden words, along with a list of officially sanctioned alternative words and phrases.
Using any of the proscribed words will disqualify Labour members from being able to vote in the leadership election.
Among the most important changes are:
‘Momentum’ must now only be referred to as ‘the entryist terror organisation Momentum’.
‘War criminal Tony Blair’ is to be replaced by ‘illustrious hero Tony Blair’.
‘Blairites’ can now only be called ‘Moderate left wing saviours of the middle classes and swing voters’.
Blairite Ben Bradshaw told Newscrasher:”As illustrious hero Tony Blair says, Momentum is a kind of terrorist organisation, possibly with WMDs ready to use in as little as 45 minutes, and should be banned immediately.”
“This would be a double-plus-good leap forward in our herculean quest to stop Labour from being in any way left-wing, or opposing the cruel austerity policies of the Tories with which I broadly agree.”
Image credit: K. Singh
Note added in proof (30 Aug 2016): When we wrote this satirical story (4 Aug 2016), little did we know that Iain McNicol would cynically and undemocratically set about blocking Labour Party members and supporters from voting in the leadership election, using a very similar kind of language policing to what we imagine herein. One has to wonder, are the coup plotters in the PLP getting their ideas from satire sites like ours?
Reviled war criminal Tony Blair believes that Jesus Christ has forgiven him for invading Iraq and killing many thousands of people, it has emerged.
Speaking at a press conference immediately after the publication of the Chilcot report, the former Prime Minister said: “With hindsight it’s easy to criticise, but at the time I genuinely believed that taking the country into an illegal war based on blatantly fabricated evidence was absolutely the right thing to do, regardless of how many people ended up dying or having their lives ruined as a result.”
“Some of my critics say I’ll have to live with the guilt of what I’ve done for the rest of my life. But Our Lord Jesus Christ has already forgiven me, and the Lord’s judgement counts for way more than what the silly little Hague War Crimes Tribunal thinks.”
“Jesus also told me to tell you that Jeremy Corbyn is the antichrist and has a large stockpile of left wing policies that could be ready to launch within 45 minutes.”
Image credit: K. Singh.
The ghost of reviled war criminal and former barrister Tony Blair has today launched a stinging attack on current Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn.
Speaking to the Guardian, he said: “I’m struggling to grasp the high popularity of Jeremy Corbyn, given the question of his low popularity.”
“As a member of the wealthy elite, I’m skeptical of mavericks like Corbyn and Bernie Sanders, who embody the loss of faith in the right wing of their respective parties.”
The former friend of Rupert Murdoch, who denied ever touching Wendy’s dong, added: “Sanders I’m sure means well, but ideas like universal healthcare or affordable education are discredited twentieth century concepts. People need to pay their way.”
Turning closer to home, he warned against reversing cuts to public services: “Free healthcare and education: well, that’s great, but there’s no money. An end to war, but there are always going be liars like me to fool the country into new wars, for which there’s always money.”
“It’s hot down here, you know.”