Tag Archives: tory

Tory chairman calls on Corbyn to ‘take a stand’ against online criticism of Tories

The Chairman of the Conservative Party has called on Jeremy Corbyn to ‘take a stand’ against people who have ‘for too long’ been allowed to criticise Tory policies.

Chairman Brandon Lewis said: “Jeremy Corbyn must take a stand against far-left online trolls.”*

“With this piece of gaslighting, not only do we try to associate Jeremy Corbyn with so online abuse by private individuals who have no actual connection with Jeremy Corbyn, we also smear critics of my party’s cruel austerity policies as though they were hateful extremists.”

“There are still some potential Conservative voters out there whose lives my party still haven’t completely fucked, and it is almost inevitable that they will eventually hear criticism of our austerity policies from friends or relatives. When that happens, we need to ensure these precious voters are able to dismiss any complaints out of hand, with name calling, smears, and accusations of insufficient patriotism.”

“We need the public to believe we Tories are the innocent victims of cruel socialist bullies, whose criticism of our policy of mercilessly hounding the poor and disabled is actually abuse.”

* Note: this first quote is actually real, amazingly.


My christian values, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

It has come to my attention that some people on the social medias have been commenting on the hypocrisy of Conservatives like me, who claim to be devoutly christian while voting for policies that hurt the poorest and most vulnerable in society.

When Newscrasher approached me about writing this column, I jumped at the opportunity to set the record straight about my christian values, and why I am deliriously happy about the rise in the use of food banks.

First I would like to reiterate what I have often said in the media. There is no inconsistency whatsoever between being devoutly christian and voting for legislation that ruins the lives of the poor for the benefit of high net worth individuals like myself.

Jesus Christ himself was a Tory, arguing that there should be less provision of healthcare and reductions in the social welfare programmes in the Roman province of Judea. And that is precisely why the hard left Roman administration of the day arrested and crucified Jesus.

Thanks to scholars such as Iain Duncan Smith BSc (Bronze Swimming Certificate), it is now well established that God approves of all Conservative policies, especially our completely unnecessary imposition of austerity and the hounding of the sick and disabled to an an early grave. Therefore, I am proud to sit in Parliament alongside many other rabid right wingers doing the Lord’s work, sometimes also sleeping.

The bible clearly states that taxes are the work of the Devil. Indeed, it was Satan himself who proposed the first system of progressive taxation as a hateful punishment for high net worth christians who had amassed entirely legitimate wealth off the back of the work of others.

Consequently, I fail to see why someone like me, who had the foresight to be born into a wealthy family, should be penalised by way of taxation on the large sums I earn from my many talents, when so many of my fellow Britons made the poor lifestyle choice of being born into a family that is not rich. Why should they have free healthcare and financial safety nets if they are too lazy to be rich?

In conclusion, there is absolutely no incongruence in claiming to be christian while actively plunging people into poverty, starvation, and in some cases an early grave.

I trust that by penning this satirical column I have explained myself to everybody’s satisfaction, and I hope we can all now move on and go back to talking about how wonderful food banks are, or how Jeremy Corbyn’s very moderate plans to bring back proper NHS and welfare funding are akin to North Korea.

This was a satirical story not written by Conservative MP Jacob Rees Mogg, the moron’s favourite to replace Theresa May as Prime Minister.


Southern Trains win contract to transport EU migrants to Brexit concentration camps

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Southern Trains has been awarded a contract to transport EU migrants to Brexit concentration camps, it has been announced.

Speaking outside Parliament, the Secretary of State for Transport and Brexit Concentration Camps said: “Southern Trains have a long and successful history of transporting virtual slaves on an overcrowded and unreliable rail service, where commuters regularly experience conditions comparable to the Holocaust trains employed by the strong and stable leadership of Nazi Germany.”

“In light of the misery and suffering Southern have already achieved on their commuter services, the Government strongly believe the company is well placed to coldly and efficiently transport unwelcome foreigners and opposition saboteurs to new homes in one of several G4S concentration camps, where Iain Duncan Smith will then teach them that work sets you free.”

A spokesman for Southern Trains said: “We are proud to have been selected by the Government to play an active role in the persecution of their chosen scapegoats.”

“Our company has been transporting commuters of London and the South East to a fate worse than death, in cramped and unsanitary conditions, on a daily basis for a number of years now.”

“Thanks to the continued degradation of our service, there will be no need for Southern Trains to make any changes when we begin to run the Tory death camp trains.”

However, a spokeswoman for a rail passenger association said: “If the Nazis had been as shit a Southern Trains then no one would have ever arrived at Auschwitz.”


Cameron to be succeeded by even bigger twat

The Conservative Party has moved to reassure the public that David Cameron will definitely be replaced by somebody who is an even bigger twat than he is.

The move comes amid growing turmoil, with the country finding itself with a ‘zombie government’ and a highly uncertain political and economic future.

Outgoing Prime Minster David Cameron said: “I proudly stand here as the worst Prime Minister this country has had in at least 300 years.”

“To use an old English saying, the scum always floats to the top, and Tory leadership elections are no exception.”

“And this is why I fully expect the party will do its duty by selecting from its ranks a new leader who is even nastier and cuntish than I am.”

In hiding after the referendum result, Boris Johnson told Newscrasher: “Many people feel scared by Brexit but let me assure you that despite trillions wiped off the global markets, the imminent break up of the UK, the return to a border and violence in Northern Ireland, the loss of Gibraltar and our bases in Cyprus, far-right groups believing they have a mandate for violence, the UK credit rating being downgraded, and the British pound collapsing, it has not been for nothing.”

“It’s been for me. And that’s all I care about.