Brexit isn’t about xenophobia, but let’s try to make a club for white English speaking countries that are all very far apart, says David Davis.
His excellency the Minister for Brexit told reporters: “It is wrong for 400 million Europeans to have the right to come to Britain, but at the same time it is definitely alright for 300 million Americans, 35 million Canadians, 23 million Australians and 5 million New Zealanders to be given the right to come here instead.”
“The government now accepts that free movement of people is a necessary condition for the new trade deals we plan to establish with some of our former colonies, all of which contain the good type of foreigners that do not frighten middle aged Daily Mail readers.”
Mr Davis continued: “Brexit is not about xenophobia, and never has been. People voted to Leave the EU with their eyes wide open, completely aware of the cynical bait and switch scam that I and others were about to pull.”
“It is deeply offensive to the millions of people who voted Leave to suggest that they were fooled by my campaign of barefaced lies.”
A lying shit who helped destroy Britain’s economy has demanded that people stop criticising his mate who is also a lying shit who helped destroy Britain’s economy, it has emerged.
Speaking on the BBC, Michael Gove said: “Nigel Farage was instrumental in spreading the lies and hatred of foreigners that fooled 17 million British voters into voting for the destruction of Britain by Brexit.”
“All Brexit supporting politicians, however evil, corrupt or dishonest should be respected, not questioned or criticised. If anything, we should be rewarded with an immediate knighthood and a place in the House of Lords.”
“I know he won’t mind me telling you, but Nigel cries himself to sleep at night because of all the bullying he has been getting lately.”
“Among the most upsetting incidents happened when Twitter users asked why Nigel had decided to fuck off to the USA instead of staying in Britain to clean up the huge mess he’d helped make.”
“I know Nigel was also deeply hurt by suggestions that, as a millionaire former stockbroker who was photographed in a lift made out of gold, he is clearly not the beer swilling down to earth man of the people he often pretends to be.”
“I just think it is really unfair that Nigel Farage has had to suffer this kind of criticism, simply for being true to himself and acting like a xenophobic cunt.”