The BBC is nowhere near biased enough towards the Conservative Party, a Government minister has today claimed.

Speaking to shameless Tory hack Laura Kuenssberg, the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport John Whittingdale said: “I am of course disappointed with the election result, and I blame the BBC for not being biased enough towards the Conservative Party. The BBC should have responded to the will of the people by becoming a Conservative propaganda machine, because let us not forget the people overwhelmingly support my party and its merciless crusade against the poor and disabled.”

Laura Kuenssberg added: “The Conservatives have had an incredibly tough job to do, as they continue to implement their heroic programme of asset-stripping the poor for the benefit of the wealthy.”

“Voters are being deliberately radicalised by terrorist sympathiser Jeremy Corbyn, and by choosing Labour they are voting to overthrow the democratically elected Conservative government.”

Accusations of antisemitism have been successfully weaponised and can be launched within 45 minutes of today’s election results, Labour’s Blairite faction has announced.

The announcement was published as part of a briefing dossier titled ‘Corbyn – Unelectability, Antisemitism, and the Futility of Resisting Tory Austerity‘ which was issued to journalists yesterday, and which is understood to have been co-authored by a number of prominent Blairites including John Mann and Hilary Benn.

The document also includes a foreword by former Prime Minister Tony Blair, in which he outlines his desire for the Labour Party to enjoy the same fruits of undemocratic regime change as the people of Iraq are now enjoying.

Audibly hoarse after a full day of shouting accusations at his fellow Labour MPs, late last night John Mann told Newscrasher: “I’m proud to say we Blairites have succeeded in weaponising antisemitism, and can have it ready to launch against Jeremy Corbyn within 45 minutes of the results of the local government elections.”

Striking school children aged 6 and 7 are ‘trying to overthrow the government’ and ‘may be terrorist sympathisers and antisemitic’, according to Secretary of State for Education Nicky Morgan.

Mrs. Morgan, who originally hailed the introduction of SAT exams for 6 and 7 year olds as “a golden opportunity to harm the education prospects of children whose parents cannot afford private schooling”, is said to be disappointed at the lack of enthusiasm for her ill-thought out policy from parents earning less than £300,000 a year.

One parent told us: “The ineptitude of this government is staggering, it’s even got 6 year olds to go on strike.”

Another concerned parent said: “Although technically illegal, I would much prefer my daughter to miss a day of school than have her sit the SAT exam. At the age of 6, it really is too early to awaken children to the excruciating reality that their entire working life will be spent slaving away in a nondescript office somewhere near Slough, for a boss who is stupendously stupid and an utter twat.”

But Mrs Morgan has hit back at critics, saying: “Parents who oppose my shambolic education policies are radicalising their children, who as a result are harbouring antisemitic and terrorist sympathies and are trying to overthrow the government.”

“I would like to remind 6 and 7 year olds up and down the country, who appear to believe they can defy me, that this Government was elected democratically and our electoral fraud was confined to just the small number of marginal seats that we needed to secure an outright majority.”

The BBC’s chief political editor Laura Kuenssberg has waded into the ongoing row over pro-government bias by claiming it is only right to overplay relatively minor problems in the Labour Party, and to downplay the numerous major scandals currently engulfing the Conservatives.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the former Conservative Journalist of the Year said: “The problem is that Jeremy Corbyn wants to protect the NHS and improve the lives of the poor and vulnerable, but as a staunch conservative I would prefer to see the NHS in ruins, and people who are feckless enough to be sick or disabled forced into slavery at Poundland.”

“When David Cameron decreed that asset stripping the poor and letting them starve to death is now the true centre-ground of British politics, with the tacit agreement of the Blairite faction of Labour, he effectively gave the BBC a green light to abandon the last vestiges of impartiality and train all guns on Jeremy Corbyn, who clearly sympathises with anti-semites and terrorists.”

“Not content with suggesting that the wealthy should pay their fair share of tax, Corbyn is also unable to bow at the correct angle, likes to steal sandwiches from war veterans, and shares some of the same ideals as Hitler, such as being vegetarian.”

“That is why I have cynically abused my position as the BBC’s chief political editor to push a highly partisan political agenda through our erstwhile impartial public broadcaster, the global reputation of which I have now all but ruined.”

Over the course of the past week the Labour Party has been rocked by carefully choreographed accusations of anti-semitism, as part of a  campaign to damage the party’s popularity and electoral chances, and I am proud to say I have played a key role in this.

With local elections only days away, and with Labour and Jeremy Corbyn’s popularity soaring, my Blairite colleagues and my allies in the Conservative Party were left with no other option except to smear our opponents.

And that is why, with the willing collusion of the BBC and right wing media, we have grossly exaggerated the problem of anti-semitism and weaponised it exclusively for use against Jeremy Corbyn and his left wing supporters in the Labour Party.

But this is only the prelude to our coup attempt against Jeremy. Once the election results are in, my Blairite friends and I will immediately go to the media to denounce the result as a catastrophic failure, regardless of how many seats we get.

In the weeks that follow, we will agitate for a leadership challenge against Jeremy. If I had my way, we’d keep having leadership contests until the party membership votes chooses the correct candidate. Still, we are hopeful that somebody from the right of the party will win this time, or in a subsequent leadership contest a few months after that.

I have no evidence to back this up, but it’s a proven fact that the only way Labour can ever get elected is with centre-right policies that appeal predominantly to moderate Tory voters who are selfish, but would like to kid themselves that they do actually care about the well-being of anybody beyond their own immediate family.

I look forward to the day when Labour can move on from its pointless opposition to Tory austerity and the privatisation of the NHS, and start to work constructively with the Tories in building a country where the wealthy are rewarded for their contribution to society, and the poor and vulnerable are left to rot.

John Mann has been Labour MP for Bassetlaw since 2001.

A shit-storm of scandals surrounding the Conservative Party has been totally ignored by the BBC in favour of an incident in which somebody shouted something at somebody else over a comment that was mostly accurate, if quite ill-judged.

A tired and emotional John Mann MP, who has done little else of note with his time in Parliament, was filmed following Mr Livingstone up a flight of stairs while shouting accusations of anti-semitism.

Speaking to reporters after the incident, Mr Mann said: “The greatest problem facing Britain today is that Jeremy Corbyn has simply become too popular with the electorate. It makes me sad that the people are unable to see how unelectable Jeremy actually is, especially compared to staunch supporters of our illegal invasion of Iraq like me.”

“But after today’s spontaneous events, which were totally not a set up, my Blairite colleagues and I hope the public will now see how absolutely evil everybody on the left of the party is.”

“It makes me sick to think there are people in Parliament who advocate focusing on improving the lives of the poor and vulnerable, instead of bombing civilians and funneling as much money as possible to the super rich.”

He added: “With any luck, Labour will now underperform expectations in the upcoming local elections, and that would give us an excuse to seize control of the party and install an unpopular right wing leader against the wishes of the majority of party members.”

When asked about his interest in painting the left of his party as anti-semitic, Mr Mann said: “The fact that I receive substantial sums from groups who support Israel’s war of terror against Palestinian civilians is in no way connected to my desire to see all Labour party members who disagree with policies of the Israeli government branded as anti-semites.”

The Home Secretary Theresa May has today sought to reassure middle-aged Daily Mail readers that Brexit is not 100 per cent necessary to achieve her planned ‘complete enslavement’ of the working age population.

Mrs May’s proposal represents a significant escalation in the arms-race between the hard-right MPs on either side of the Brexit divide. In recent weeks a number of anti-EU figures have argued that only by leaving the EU would it be possible to scrap the ‘failing’ NHS, or to replace all human rights with a ‘bill of obligations’.

The Home Secretary told reporters: “The prevailing opinion among those who currently enjoy comfortable retirements, or who are of working age and earn £100,000 or more, is that the government needs to crack down on the lifestyle choice to be of working age and earning less than £100,000 a year.”

“This feckless demographic caused the sub-prime crash in the USA and the global recession that followed, with overt collaboration from the terrorist-sympathising Labour Party. Therefore, it is only fair that people of working age who earn less than £100,000 a year should be made to pay for the terrorist damage they have done to the livelihoods of the very wealthy and retired, who were hit especially hard by slower than hoped rises in house prices.”

“And that is why if I become Conservative Party leader, I will make sure workers below the new retirement age of 100 who choose to earn less than £100,000 a year will have all human rights removed, and will be made to pay reparations to the retired and wealthy via a 60 % tax rate on all taxable income.”

In recent months the Home Secretary has gained a reputation for hard hitting and unorthodox political manoeuvres, such as her recent attendance at Parliament in the nude to reinforce her ‘nothing to hide, nothing to fear’ point.

Mrs May added: “It is true that my husband has made very large capital gains thanks to decisions I made as Home Secretary that were entirely impartial, and the financial consequences my decisions were totally unforeseen by either of us. Despite the widespread rumours suggesting otherwise, I maintain I have done nothing wrong in giving highly lucrative contracts to a company in which my husband is a major shareholder.”

Syrian President Bashar al Assad is rumoured to be overjoyed at the news that he is now more popular than high profile minister of the UK government Jeremy Hunt, despite the fact that he has murdered tens of thousands of Syrian women and children and sent millions of refugees fleeing from their homes.

The cruel dictator is understood to be impressed with the Health Secretary’s extensive expertise in causing misery, ill-health and death among the public, and it is an open secret that Mr Hunt is currently in talks concerning an advisory role within the Assad regime.

President Assad said: “Here is a man who enjoys inflicting widespread death and suffering on his own people, and I very much look forward to collaborating with him here in Syria in the very near future.”

A spokesman for Jeremy Hunt told Newscrasher: “Jeremy has always been clear that his overall goal as Health Secretary is to dismantle the NHS and generally ruin the lives of the little people for personal financial gain.”

“The Assad regime is correct to recognise Jeremy’s expertise in this area, and although the details are yet to be finalised, Jeremy feels Syria represents an excellent opportunity to enrich himself via government sponsored genocide and suffering.”

Prominent Euroskeptic MP Jacob Rees-Mogg has moved to reassure undecided voters that the Tories will still be able to dismantle the National Health Service if the UK leaves the European Union.

Recent polls suggest that those earning £100,000 or more are worried that any money saved from quitting the EU will simply be reinvested into important public services like the NHS, instead of being surreptitiously channeled into the bank accounts of the wealthy.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the Conservative MP for North East Somerset outlined his vision for the UK outside of Europe: “The National Health Service is, in my mind, one of the great millstones around the neck of our once great nation, and it must be dismantled before it drains the excessive personal wealth of spivs like me.”

“It is my long held belief that only by freeing ourselves from the shackles of the EU will we be able to move forward and dismantle all public services, and abolish every last human right.”

“Once we trick the little people in sufficient numbers to vote for Brexit, the ruling elite will then need to show substantial resolve, for it is absolutely crucial that any savings on our EU membership are passed on to the most needy and deserving, particularly those earning at least £100,000, or those with assets worth more than £500,000.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron has provoked anger by arguing that today’s strike by junior doctors are ‘terrorist sympathisers’.

Mr Cameron said: “When the Jeremy Corbyn and Labour’s London mayoral candidate are both so friendly with terrorists, is it any wonder that junior doctors feel it is acceptable to also associate with terrorists as they have done so cynically today.”

“I do not know how anybody could actually think decent healthcare provided by the state and free at the point of use is a good idea, so they clearly must be terrorist sympathisers.”

The hard right PM is said to be keen to associate any and all of his political opponents with terrorism, so that the public will support his plans to sell off the NHS and crush the poor and disabled.

Home Secretary Theresa May added: “Those earning £100,000 or more, or who are now enjoying a comfortable retirement, can rest assured that industrial action will soon be a thing of the past, regardless of whether we choose to leave or remain in the EU.”

“Our newly created hard-right Blueshirt militia, outsourced to G4S, will be instrumental in our anti industrial action crackdown on potential terrorist sympathisers and their Labour collaborators.”