David Davis has negotiated “bespoke resignation deal” and will keep ministerial salary and perks

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

David Davis has negotiated a bespoke resignation deal that would allow him to keep his ministerial salary and continue to attend Cabinet meetings, he has announced.

Speaking to reporters, the former Minister for Exiting the European Union said? “I spent two years getting paid a ministerial salary for doing absolutely nothing, and I do not see why that should not continue now that I have voted to leave the Government.”

“I have negotiated a bespoke deal with Theresa May that would allow me to continue to receive a ministerial salary, have use of  ministerial car, and attend Cabinet meetings as before. This is what I was voting for when I decided to resign my ministerial post, and the will of the person must be respected.”

“Of course, when I say I have negotiated a bespoke deal, what I really mean is I have invented a fantasy proposal in my own mind and I plan to present it to the Prime Minister later today. The Prime Minister will definitely agree to all my demands, however outrageous or unrealistic, because the Government need me more they I need them.”

However, Number 10 issued a statement on behalf of the Prime Minister, saying: “Let me be clear: Resignation means resignation. Mr Davis’s plans to cherry pick a deal are completely unacceptable. Either you are in or out of my government.”

“But let me also be clear that the opposition from the EU to my own cherry picking are unacceptable, and they seem unable to understand we can and will have our cake and eat it.”

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