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If only there was some way to know the causes of homelessness, say Tories

If only there was some way to know the causes of homelessness, the Tories have said.

Speaking on the BBC, the Housing Minister said: “Sensing an opportunity to pretend we give a shit, the Government is proud to announce a new plan to eliminate the homeless within 200 years.”

“In its initial phase, the plan is to commission an independent inquiry by a retired establishment figure, who will spend at least five years looking into the causes of homelessness, before concluding that there is no known cause. And if the Israeli government pay us enough, then our report may also conclude that Jeremy Corbyn, or whoever is the Leader of the Opposition at the time, is anti-Semitic.”

James Brokenshire added: “If only there was an easier way to know the causes of homelessness, because getting rid the homeless from the streets of Conservative-voting areas is something I feel passionate about.”

“Until we have fully understood the causes of homelessness, there will be a moratorium on all new housing projects for ten to fifteen years to ensure middle-class baby boomers can continue to enjoy rising property prices, and we will be asking landlords to continue to rip-off ordinary people who have no choice but to rent.”

“Among our proposed solutions to the homelessness problem, at top of our list is to provide all homeless people with a 1:100 scale model of a suburban semi-detached 2 bedroom house, which would allow the Government to remove them from the official statistics of homeless people.”

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Walkers Crisps announce new “Gammon” flavour to appease Brexiters

Walkers Crisps will add a new flavour to their line of potato crisps after coming under pressure from Brexit voters, it has been announced.

Speaking to the BBC, the CEO of Walkers Crisps said: “Walkers Crisps has been the subject of fierce protests on social media due to our links to Gary Lineker. We have listened to the concerns of Brexit voters, and have added an exciting new flavour to our line of crisps.”

“Our new Gammon flavour crisps will allow Brexit voters enjoy our delicious potato crisps without compromising their values of blind nationalism and hatred of anyone who is different or has a different opinion to them.”

“We also feel Brexiters should get exactly what they voted for, and because of this our new Gammon flavour crisps will be priced significantly above our other flavours, to reflect the economic damage that Leave voters have knowngly brought upon British industry and consumers.”

“At £3.50 per bag, Gammon flavour crisps are the ideal accompaniment for the beans on toast dinner that the average Leave voter will eat for the next 20 years while the economy recovers from their preferred ‘Mad Max’ Brexit.”

Based on a meme by Dave Poole.

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Senior Tories complain rail network is unfit to transport large numbers of passengers to death camps

The national rail network is currently unfit to transport large numbers of people to death camps, senior Tories have complained.

One back-bench Conservative MP said: “As our coup against the British people gears up for the introduction of full-blown fascism, it is imperative that national infrastructure is ready to deal with the exciting new business opportunities associated with escalating hatred of foreigners, benefit claimants, and Remainers.”

“An essential component of our plan for a rejuvenated Fatherland, free from the shackles of intellect and compassion, is an efficiently run railway that is capable of transporting large numbers of people to specially built DWP camps where low net worth individuals and their families can be set-free through a lifetime of back-breaking labour.”

“Unfortunately, the gross incompetence of Chris Grayling has left the British rail network in ruins and lacking the capacity to transport commuters into London to work, and clearly unfit to transport large numbers of passengers to death camps.”

“Of course, the DWP will not actually be killing anybody at these camps, and all expected deaths resulting from chronic overwork or starvation will be the fault of Jeremy Corbyn, and will be wholly independent of the patriotic actions of the DWP.”

A number of Labour MPs from the right of the party are said to be supportive of the new camps. A spokesperson for Margaret Hodge told Newscrasher: “When Dame Margaret Hodge asked her Israeli handlers what to say on this matter, they told her to blame Jeremy Corbyn for all antisemitism throughout all of history, including in Nazi Germany.”

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Louise Ellman demands her own resignation over attendance at “anti-semitic” event

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Louise Ellman has been demanding her own immediate resignation after it emerged she attended a meeting she has dubbed “anti-Semitic”.

Speaking to the BBC, the Labour MP said: “I helped to organise, and attended in full, an event where a Jewish Holocaust surivivor compared his experience of being persecuted by the Nazis to the way the government of Israel treats Palestinians.”

“I have already said that Jeremy Corbyn is anti-Semitic for attending this event for ten minutes, before leaving immediately after his welcome speech and before the first speaker.”

“By the same logic, I must be even more anti-Semitic due to the fact that I attended the event in full and didn’t even complain to the police when Hitler salutes were thrown.”

“To be more specific, I called the demonstrators who disrupted the event ‘zionist’. This was clearly anti-semitic.”

“I compared the behaviour of the Israelis to the Nazis, and this too is anti-semitic.”

“In addition, I wrote about how it was arrogant to see ‘Jewish suffering as unparallelled and beyond telling’. This too was anti-semitic.”

“Finally, I called those heckling Holocaust survivor Dr Meyer ‘sickening’, and this was also highly anti-semitic.”

“For this reason, I now call on myself to immediately resign as Labour MP for Liverpool Riverside.”

Louise Ellman has refused to comment on her demands that she resign.

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Brexit food shortages an opportunity for the poor to diet, says Dominic Raab

By Dorothy Hotdog an Jeff Sanchez

Food shortages that are expected to result from Brexit offer an amazing opportunity for the poor to diet, the Brexit Secretary has claimed.

Speaking to Piers Morgan on breakfast TV, Dominic Raab said: “Brexit offers a multitude of amazing opportunities for Britain, including the chance for the rich to get even richer, the chance for xenophobes to have blue passports, and opportunities for the poor to go on a crash diet and subsequently die of starvation.”

“Families who use food banks may not be able to stockpile food in time for Brexit Day, and that is why this Government will be sending out a leaflet with hints and tips for how people can grow their own food. Older members of the public will be pleased with our inclusion of a number of traditional British delicacies, such as jellied earthworms and Nettle tea.”

“The British people will have the incredible opportunity to draw on the character forming Irish Potato Famine, and this is just one of many ways that Brexit food shortages can bring the country together in mass starvation.”

“The royal family is to be employed in showing people how they can grow their own vegetables. We will also boost public morale by restarting the Clean For The Queen campaign, this time making it compulsory for all benefit claimants to clean a Tory MP’s home.”

“Even if you have just a small plant pot in your miniscule flat in London, you can still grow a healthy potato plant and feed your family for at least two days.”

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David Davis has negotiated “bespoke resignation deal” and will keep ministerial salary and perks

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

David Davis has negotiated a bespoke resignation deal that would allow him to keep his ministerial salary and continue to attend Cabinet meetings, he has announced.

Speaking to reporters, the former Minister for Exiting the European Union said? “I spent two years getting paid a ministerial salary for doing absolutely nothing, and I do not see why that should not continue now that I have voted to leave the Government.”

“I have negotiated a bespoke deal with Theresa May that would allow me to continue to receive a ministerial salary, have use of  ministerial car, and attend Cabinet meetings as before. This is what I was voting for when I decided to resign my ministerial post, and the will of the person must be respected.”

“Of course, when I say I have negotiated a bespoke deal, what I really mean is I have invented a fantasy proposal in my own mind and I plan to present it to the Prime Minister later today. The Prime Minister will definitely agree to all my demands, however outrageous or unrealistic, because the Government need me more they I need them.”

However, Number 10 issued a statement on behalf of the Prime Minister, saying: “Let me be clear: Resignation means resignation. Mr Davis’s plans to cherry pick a deal are completely unacceptable. Either you are in or out of my government.”

“But let me also be clear that the opposition from the EU to my own cherry picking are unacceptable, and they seem unable to understand we can and will have our cake and eat it.”

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David Davis resigns to spend more time with his magical fantasies

David Davis has resigned from his post, to be able to spend more time with his magical fantasies, it has been announced.

The former Brexit Secretary explained: “For years I have lived in a surreal fantasy dream world where the normal laws of physics do not apply, allowing me to avoid the reality of a realistic Brexit.”

“But when forced to agree to a workable plan for Brexit that does not involve economic catastrophe and mass job losses, I have been given no choice except to resign in protest.”

“I now look forward to spending more time with my magical fantasies, where unicorns roam freely across purple plains while singing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.”

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Cave divers find Tory party and are now trying to guide it to Brexit

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Cave divers have found the Tory party trapped in a cave and are now trying to guide it to Brexit, it has been reported.

Speaking to reporters, the head of the Cave rescue Service said: “We received a frantic call early this morning to report a party of extremist nutters who need rescuing from deep within a flooded cave.”

“They appear to have  survived in the dark for two years by eating themselves, and if they don’t get out soon, there it is feared they will consume Theresa May.”

“We are doing our best to coax them out to safety, but the group is more interested in bickering amongst themselves over how best to screw over the poor, and Boris just wants to be leader and doesn’t give a shit about getting the rest of the group to safety.”

“We’ve explained several plausible rescue plans to them over the radio, but the group keeps demanding that we follow their own impossible and unrealistic plan.”

“It’s as though they have no interest or understanding of basic facts, and believe they can make their wildest fantasies come true simply through wishful thinking and pig-headed stubbornness.”

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Tories to immediately withdraw England from World Cup “to respect referendum result”

England are to be withdrawn from the FIFA World Cup in order to respect the will of the people, a spokesman has confirmed.

Speaking at a press conference at the headquarters of the FA, the spokesman said: “The Prime Minister has instructed the Football Association to withdraw England from the FIFA World Cup effective immediately, in preparation for the 2018 Commonwealth Football Cup which will be held in Belize during November and December, and the FA are pleased to confirm that we have formally given notice of our withdrawal from both FIFA and UEFA.”

Asked by a Sun reporter whether he accepts that “the will of the people is to quit the World Cup like Rupert Murdoch says it is”, Gareth Southgate replied cautiously: “It’s not ideal because England still had a chance of reaching the final of the FIFA World Cup, having reached the quarter finals tonight after our victory over Colombia, and the lads are understandably disappointed to be going home early, but we have to accept at the end of the day this isn’t a democracy and Theresa May’s iron will must be obeyed.”

Also in attendance was Matthew Hancock, the Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, who told reporters: “We are proud to announce England’s immediate withdrawal from the World Cup, freeing our once proud footballing nation from the shackles of the unelected and corrupt supranational body called FIFA.”

“British fans will soon be able to enjoy exciting fixtures such as Barbados vs England, Wales vs Nauru and Canada vs Scotland. Our researchers have predicted that Harry Kane will win the Commonwealth Golden Boot award with between 100 and 150 goals due to the low quality opposition, and we believe an easy England victory will provide a much needed morale boost for gammons at a time when Brexit is turning out to be pretty shit.”

 

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Heaven knows I’m fascist now, says Morrissey

Morrissey has released a long awaited new single, titled Heaven Knows I’m Fascist now, it has been confirmed.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the former Smiths front man said: “As somebody with far right sympathies, it really angers me that career criminal Tommy Robinson has once again been jailed after pleading guilty to a crime he definitely committed.”

“As a minor football hooligan who has done nothing with his life except commit a string of crimes and then talk about it on TV, Tommy Robinson is a hero to me and should be immediately freed because a bunch of other hooligans say so.”

“They went on a violent march in London and everything, surely that tells you all you need to know about the incredible racial purity of Robinson’s movement.”

“In solidarity with Robinson, I have released my new single called Heaven Knows I’m Fascist Now, which I hope will raise awarenes among the public about what a cunt I have become.”

Finally, our time is up and I get up to leave. Morrissey offers a final quote: “Look at me everyone, I’m still here and seeking your attention, any attention at all, just don’t let me fade away into obscurity.”

 

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A Satirical Take On The News