The Conservative Party will do a much better job of concealing its massive electoral fraud this time, senior party figures have announced.
One senior Conservative Minister said: “Lies and electoral fraud are the only ways my party can ever win a general election, and we’re all out of lies.”
“I’m not saying we’re going to do anything criminal this time, but we’ve definitely learned lessons from 2015, when a significant number of Conservative candidates won their seats after spending much more than the legal spending limits.”
When asked to clarify the extent to which the Conservatives plan to cheat at the upcoming general election, the Minister added: “The PM is not big on making actual promises to the people, in fact she’d be happier if the working classes just didn’t exist, but what I can promise them is that my party will do literally anything to win and we will also do a much better job of concealing our electoral fraud this time around.”
“If we get found out again we can always call another snap general election to divert attention from our criminality.”
Patriotic Britons should boycott continental European products that are better than British ones, John Redwood has demanded.
Speaking to the BBC’s least biased journalist, Laura Kuenssberg, Mr Redwood said: “Patriotic Britons should further reduce their quality of life by restricting themselves to purchase only those products that are not made elsewhere in the European Union.”
“British patriots have no legitimate need for reliable German cars, quality french wines, or delicious produce from Southern Europe, so I call on all true Britons to boycott products that are imported from continental Europe.”
“It is high time that the lower and middle classes learn how to make do and mend in the spirit of the Blitz, which was a truly glorious time in our island story, while spivs like me and my friends continue to enjoy the luxuries and privilege that our wealth and connections allow.”
The British public plan to discard compassion and rational thought and vote for continued rule by the Conservative Party, it has been decided.
Undecided voter Chris Bumfield said: “Over the course of the next few weeks, I plan to carefully consider the positions of the different parties and their candidates, before taking the decision to vote Tory.”
“Although I do like Jeremy Corbyn’s policies because I feel public services like the NHS and also the welfare state need to be well funded, I feel Theresa May is simply a better leader and Prime Minister because of some reasons I read in the right wing media.”
“I’m so glad papers like the Sun, the Daily Mail, and the Telegraph have taken the time and effort to analyse the policies of the different parties and explain everything objectively and without any bias whatsoever.”
“Without that help, Britain would almost certainly fall into recession and chaos under vampire antichrists like Jeremy Corbyn or Tim Farron.”
“The real shame is that I’d probably vote for Corbyn’s policies if he wasn’t so unelectable – whatever that actually means.”
Just trust us, we’re not blatantly lying to you this time, senior Tories have pleaded.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a senior Conservative figure told Newscrasher: “My party lied or cheated in every single general election we have ever won.”
“But this time the people should definitely trust us with the economy which we always put into recession, and the public services which we always destroy.”
“The public have to know that if they don’t vote Tory this time, then Labour might get in and start doing things like revitalising the economy and properly funding things like education and the NHS, and that would represent a major threat to our national security.”
“Voters who are considering voting Labour must also realise that even if they agree with many of Jeremy Corbyn’ policies, the man is totally unelectable like all previous Labour leaders.”
“Except of course for Tony Blair, who made a pact with Rupert Murdoch to gain his backing for the 1997 general election.”
Member of the public Chris Bumfield, from Plymouth, said: “The Tories have lied and abandoned their election promises before, but I’m willing to give them a seventh chance because in the Sun I read something about Jeremy Corbyn being a dangerous far right extremist and unelectable.”
The British National Party failed because they were too left wing for modern Britain, according to Theresa May.
Reading from a script on the radio, the Prime Minister told the country: “A number of thought criminals on the Facebooks [sic] say my policies are no different to what the BNP proposed in their 2005 election manifesto.”
“It is true that there is a lot in common, notably our shared goal of severe cuts to immigration, leaving the EU, the return of grammar schools, increased defence spending, strong leadership, and hatred of human rights.”
“But they are wrong about one thing. My Government is even further to the right of the BNP when it comes to recognising the threat to national security posed by the NHS.”
“And unlike the BNP, the Conservatives are steadfast in our determination to vanquish the NHS once and for all, as Churchill did with the German National Socialists in the Second World War.”
“And if my glorious Reich lasts for a thousand years, people will say this was my finest hour.”
Asked what she would say to undecided voters to convince them to vote Conservative, Mrs May said: “I’m glad you asked me that approved question, for which I have this conveniently pre-prepared answer to read out.”
“Vote for hate, vote to be poorer, vote to be increasingly criminalised, vote for falling education and health standards, vote Conservative.”
The Conservative Party plans to fight the general election on a platform of killing the disabled, it has been announced.
Speaking to the BBC’s Andrew Marr, the Prime Minister said: “We’ve been hounding disabled people to death for several years now with huge public support.”
“And because we’ve now got a costly Red, White and Blue Brexit to pay for, we’re going to need to get even more brutal to the disabled, the poor, and children.”
“If my party secures a majority in Parliament, we will bring forward legislation that will create a Ministry for the Persecution of the Vulnerable, to be headed by former Minister for Manslaughter Iain Duncan Smith.”
“Iain is a veteran campaigner for the right of the poor and disabled to be punished for their poor life style choices and inferior genetics, and I am sure any information gathered from his infamous fact-finding mission to Auschwitz will be most useful in his new role.”
Former Labour voter Chris Bumfield from Bolton said: “I voted Labour all my life, but quite recently I’ve started believing the lies and propaganda that the Tories and their mates in the media have been putting out, and I’m now considering voting Conservative as a result.”
“Theresa May and the Sun both want me to believe that it is the Conservative Party that has my interests at heart, not the terrorist supporting Jeremy Corbyn whose hard-left policies include unthinkable things like having an NHS and making sure children do not starve to death.”
“So I’ll be voting Conservative this time because they are intent on exacerbating virtually all of the issues currently facing ordinary people in Britain, and also because I have extreme poor critical thinking abilities.”
A new poll by the Government shows that 120 per cent of the public are now fully behind Brexit, a spokesman has announced.
Speaking to the press, the Government spokesman said: “A new poll commissioned by us shows very clearly that the will of the people is now solidly behind Brexit, with 120 per cent of people now strongly supportive of leaving the EU and perpetual Tory rule.”
“On the day of the referendum, only a minority of the public wanted to leave the EU. But thanks to our campaign of lies and aggressive propaganda the people are casting off the shackles of critical thinking, and are slowly but surely uniting behind our plan for a patriotic Brexit.”
“We are currently planning to conduct another poll, this time showing the popularity of Britain’s most loved Prime Minister, Theresa May, and the unpopularity of the evil Labour Party.”
Our Lord Jesus Christ died on the cross so the UK could eventually leave the European Union, Theresa May has announced.
Speaking to a pro-government presenter on the BBC, the Prime Minister said: “I was consulting God about government policy the other day as I often do , and when the subject of Brexit came up He reminded me that Jesus died on the cross specifically to enable the UK’s exit from the EU.”
“He also gave me the strongest possible assurance that all Remoaners who refuse to accept the will of the people, as expressed by my own iron will, are to face eternal torture in Hell.”
However, atheists and Remainers have not responded favourably to what many see as a cynical attempt to associate Brexit with piety and godliness.
Leading atheist Richard Dawkins said: “What a crock of shit. It’s mad enough that the Prime Minister invokes religion to lend legitimacy to her sick policy of bullying the disabled and starving the poor for profit.”
“But she now has the audacity to claim that Jesus, who may have been the one of the first socialists in history, if he even existed at all, got nailed to a wooden plank in bronze age Palestine specifically so the United Kingdom could shoot itself in the foot by leaving the EU some 2017 years later.”
Only the introduction of student loans can plug the deliberate shortfall in secondary school funding, Justine Greening has announced.
The Secretary of State for Education told reporters: “This is the first government in our island story to give education the level of funding it truly deserves.”
“But more money is needed, especially if Britain is to maintain its position as a world leader in innovative jams and biscuits.”
“To solve this problem we have also manufactured, we will introduce £10,000 a year student loans that will allow secondary school pupils to pay their way through the school system.”
“Our visionary reforms have allowed private organisations to take control of school budgets, giving them the freedom to make large budget cuts, with savings pocketed by the owners and the head teachers.”
“In some cases, the headteacher also owns the cleaning and catering companies that provide services for the school, resulting in enhanced efficiency gains.”
“It’s definitely not corrupt.”
“By introducing student loans to secondary schools, we will be able to increase the efficiency and profitability of the privatised academy school system, giving better value for money to rich shareholders who vote Conservative.”
School children from less well off families could perform better in exams if they are forced into starvation, the Tories have suggested.
Former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith said: “My own personal research shows that plunging vulnerable people into poverty and starvation often motivates them to work or study harder, in order to get out of the hole we have dug for them.”
“And that is why we need to ensure that children from the poorest families, many of whom are unlikely to vote Conservative, are denied access to food on school days.”
Accomplished academic Duncan Smith added: “The fact that Jeremy Corbyn believes the government should provide free school meals just shows how unelectable and out of touch he is with the real issues in people’s lives.”
“If he spent more time on real issues like securing the most destructive Brexit possible, starting a pointless war with Spain or bringing back blue passports, the lives of the ordinary people would improve significantly.”
Speaking out about the idea of free school meals, Conservative voter Chris Bumfield said: “I work hard for my money and it’s all mine, so why should I have to contribute towards other people’s children?”
“If their own parents can’t be bothered to earn enough to pay for everything they need, including education and healthcare, then fuck them.”
“And it’s not like children are the workforce of tomorrow, whose tax and national insurance contributions will eventually pay for my pension and healthcare in my old age.”