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David Davis has negotiated “bespoke resignation deal” and will keep ministerial salary and perks

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

David Davis has negotiated a bespoke resignation deal that would allow him to keep his ministerial salary and continue to attend Cabinet meetings, he has announced.

Speaking to reporters, the former Minister for Exiting the European Union said? “I spent two years getting paid a ministerial salary for doing absolutely nothing, and I do not see why that should not continue now that I have voted to leave the Government.”

“I have negotiated a bespoke deal with Theresa May that would allow me to continue to receive a ministerial salary, have use of  ministerial car, and attend Cabinet meetings as before. This is what I was voting for when I decided to resign my ministerial post, and the will of the person must be respected.”

“Of course, when I say I have negotiated a bespoke deal, what I really mean is I have invented a fantasy proposal in my own mind and I plan to present it to the Prime Minister later today. The Prime Minister will definitely agree to all my demands, however outrageous or unrealistic, because the Government need me more they I need them.”

However, Number 10 issued a statement on behalf of the Prime Minister, saying: “Let me be clear: Resignation means resignation. Mr Davis’s plans to cherry pick a deal are completely unacceptable. Either you are in or out of my government.”

“But let me also be clear that the opposition from the EU to my own cherry picking are unacceptable, and they seem unable to understand we can and will have our cake and eat it.”

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David Davis resigns to spend more time with his magical fantasies

David Davis has resigned from his post, to be able to spend more time with his magical fantasies, it has been announced.

The former Brexit Secretary explained: “For years I have lived in a surreal fantasy dream world where the normal laws of physics do not apply, allowing me to avoid the reality of a realistic Brexit.”

“But when forced to agree to a workable plan for Brexit that does not involve economic catastrophe and mass job losses, I have been given no choice except to resign in protest.”

“I now look forward to spending more time with my magical fantasies, where unicorns roam freely across purple plains while singing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.”

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Cave divers find Tory party and are now trying to guide it to Brexit

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Cave divers have found the Tory party trapped in a cave and are now trying to guide it to Brexit, it has been reported.

Speaking to reporters, the head of the Cave rescue Service said: “We received a frantic call early this morning to report a party of extremist nutters who need rescuing from deep within a flooded cave.”

“They appear to have  survived in the dark for two years by eating themselves, and if they don’t get out soon, there it is feared they will consume Theresa May.”

“We are doing our best to coax them out to safety, but the group is more interested in bickering amongst themselves over how best to screw over the poor, and Boris just wants to be leader and doesn’t give a shit about getting the rest of the group to safety.”

“We’ve explained several plausible rescue plans to them over the radio, but the group keeps demanding that we follow their own impossible and unrealistic plan.”

“It’s as though they have no interest or understanding of basic facts, and believe they can make their wildest fantasies come true simply through wishful thinking and pig-headed stubbornness.”

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Tories to immediately withdraw England from World Cup “to respect referendum result”

England are to be withdrawn from the FIFA World Cup in order to respect the will of the people, a spokesman has confirmed.

Speaking at a press conference at the headquarters of the FA, the spokesman said: “The Prime Minister has instructed the Football Association to withdraw England from the FIFA World Cup effective immediately, in preparation for the 2018 Commonwealth Football Cup which will be held in Belize during November and December, and the FA are pleased to confirm that we have formally given notice of our withdrawal from both FIFA and UEFA.”

Asked by a Sun reporter whether he accepts that “the will of the people is to quit the World Cup like Rupert Murdoch says it is”, Gareth Southgate replied cautiously: “It’s not ideal because England still had a chance of reaching the final of the FIFA World Cup, having reached the quarter finals tonight after our victory over Colombia, and the lads are understandably disappointed to be going home early, but we have to accept at the end of the day this isn’t a democracy and Theresa May’s iron will must be obeyed.”

Also in attendance was Matthew Hancock, the Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, who told reporters: “We are proud to announce England’s immediate withdrawal from the World Cup, freeing our once proud footballing nation from the shackles of the unelected and corrupt supranational body called FIFA.”

“British fans will soon be able to enjoy exciting fixtures such as Barbados vs England, Wales vs Nauru and Canada vs Scotland. Our researchers have predicted that Harry Kane will win the Commonwealth Golden Boot award with between 100 and 150 goals due to the low quality opposition, and we believe an easy England victory will provide a much needed morale boost for gammons at a time when Brexit is turning out to be pretty shit.”

 

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Heaven knows I’m fascist now, says Morrissey

Morrissey has released a long awaited new single, titled Heaven Knows I’m Fascist now, it has been confirmed.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the former Smiths front man said: “As somebody with far right sympathies, it really angers me that career criminal Tommy Robinson has once again been jailed after pleading guilty to a crime he definitely committed.”

“As a minor football hooligan who has done nothing with his life except commit a string of crimes and then talk about it on TV, Tommy Robinson is a hero to me and should be immediately freed because a bunch of other hooligans say so.”

“They went on a violent march in London and everything, surely that tells you all you need to know about the incredible racial purity of Robinson’s movement.”

“In solidarity with Robinson, I have released my new single called Heaven Knows I’m Fascist Now, which I hope will raise awarenes among the public about what a cunt I have become.”

Finally, our time is up and I get up to leave. Morrissey offers a final quote: “Look at me everyone, I’m still here and seeking your attention, any attention at all, just don’t let me fade away into obscurity.”

 

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Byker Grove remake will warn children about socialism and medicinal cannabis

The hit youth TV series Byker Grove is to be “rebooted” for Brexit Britain, and will warn children off socialism and medicinal cannabis, the BBC has announced.

The Culture Secretary, Matthew Hancock, told reporters: “The original Byker Grove television series taught British children about a variety of issues that were relevant in the late 80s and 90s, like joyriding, drugs, and the importance of wearing protective goggles while playing paintball.”

“It’s now time to reboot the ground-breaking series in a way that will help the Government maintain order, and keep the little people in their rightful place at the bottom of society, being stamped to death by a Tory jackboot.”

“With support for Brexit falling and the ongoing Tory Omnishambles led by Theresa May, it is important to reconnect with children and warn them about satanic ideas like socialism, medicinal cannabis or having compassion for people who are sick or disabled.”

“The idea is to create a generation of far-right automatons who will grow up to vote Conservative regardless of how much we punish them and destroy their lives.”

“The all-star cast includes Damian Green MP, who will play masturbation-mad youth leader Geoff Keegan, and there will be at least one cameo appearance by Esther McVey, who is very keen to teach children how to discriminate against the sick and disabled from an early age.”

“In the first episode, viewers will see the youth club reopening with a number of changes appropriate for 2018 being made. The opening scene revolves around Esther McVey using a jackhammer to destroy a wheelchair access ramp, telling onlookers that she’s already cured all the disabled people in the country.”

“Iain Duncan Smith also makes a guest appearance to hang a ‘work sets you free’ sign over the entrance. Later, he talks to the youth leader about how best to separate new arrivals to the club, where to site the ovens, and the readiness of the rail network to transport large numbers of people to DWP camps.”

“Some details are yet to be decided, but the season finale will conclude with Esther McVey boasting about how many benefit claimants have died after her department stopped their benefits, while Damian Green masturbates progressively more furiously under his desk, eventually climaxing and firing a jet of reproductive mucus onto McVey’s blouse.”

 

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Medicinal cannabis is way worse than letting children die, insists Theresa May

Allowing patients to access medicinal cannabis would be far worse than simply letting children die, the Prime Minister has announced.

Speaking at a dinner party with city bankers, Theresa May warned: “There  is a word that I cannot bear to hear uttered in my presence. That word is cannabis, the name of the most dangerous and addictive drug known to science.”

“This terrifying drug is a thousand times more addictive than cocaine, the expensive recreational drug that many members of my own party regularly use when cavorting with prostitutes. Even worse, cannabis is inexpensive enough to be available to people from all walks of life, including groups my party hates, such as immigrants, non-whites, and the working class.”

“Some people in the anti-British media have asked why I lied to Billy Caldwell’s mum about getting her son the treatment he needed to stay alive. It’s because my Christian faith tells me that it is better for people to simply be left to die than to receive medicinal cannabis or evil socialist healthcare from the NHS. This applies to children as well as to adults, both of whom can be guilty of poor lifestyle choices such as being born into a family that is not wealthy enough to go private.”

After taking a sip of human blood from the gilded chalice she clutched with her bony, grasping fingers, the Prime Minister added:  “The media should stop challenging my government for all the nasty shit we are doing, and should instead focus on holding the opposition to account, like the BBC does so well these days under Laura Kuenssberg.”

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Companies leaving UK because of high confidence in Brexit Britain, claims Iain Duncan Smith

Companies are leaving the UK en masse because they are so confident in Brexit Britain, Iain Duncan Smith has claimed.

Speaking on the BBC, the former Minister for Manslaughter said: “No companies are leaving the UK, not a single one, and those that are leaving are doing so because they are extremely confident in Brexit Britain.”

“They are merely taking my advice and seeking out new opportunities in other parts of the world, in ways that they never would have done before our proud country threw off the shackes and protections of the EU.”

“You can trust me on this, and as you know I’ve never been wrong about anything. I am the visionary who came up with Universal Credit, and it was me who coined the phrase ‘work sets you free’ shortly after I visited a concentration camp in the EU.”

“People often come up to me and thank me for ruining their life, but they also ask me to tell them how Brexit can benefit them personally. The answer is simple: anyone can set up an offshore trust and use it to avoid paying any UK tax, thereby saving themselves thousands of pounds a year and making Britain a country we can truly be proud of.”

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Invisible magic door would solve Northern Ireland border issue, says David Davis

An invisible magic door would solve the Northern Ireland border issue, the Brexit Secretary has claimed.

Writing in the Sun, David Davis said: “Northern Ireland could be in and out of the EU at the same time, but if that idea is rejected by the EU then I propose we invent an invisible magic door to solve the Irish border problem.”

“In recent years Britain has become a world leader in magical thinking, and we could bring in the best minds to work out the exact details of how our invisible magical door would work.”

“The door would be large enough to allow articulated lorries to pass through, automatically scanning their freight load and applying import duties, but obviously would prevent immigrants and criminals from entering,”

Iain Duncan Smith has reportedly asked whether the magic door could have an iron sign above it showing the words “work sets you free”, and for the road leading through the buffer zone to be lined with crucified benefit claimants.

The former Minister For Manslaughter said: “This initiative represents an excellent opportunity to hound the poor and vulnerable, in a way that will appeal to sick right wingers who vote Conservative.”

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John Bercow under fire for calling stupid woman “a stupid woman”

John Bercow has come under fire after saying that someone who is actually stupid is stupid, it has been reported.

The Speaker of the House of Commons is alleged to have called Andrea Leadsom a “stupid woman” and “fucking useless”, both of which are demonstrably true.

Cabinet member Leadsom has made a number of visionary proposals, such as getting young people to take up fruit picking jobs, and making tea, biscuits and jam central to British trade plans after Brexit.

Speaking to the Sun, Leadsom said: “I am outraged that the Speaker, who is not a Brexiter and regularly thwarts the will of the people, has outed me as a stupid woman who is fucking useless.”

“I should have been allowed to come out as stupid and fucking useless in my own time, when I felt the time was right, not in the midst of a Parliamentary debate where we were trying to turn Britain into a fascist dictatorship.”

“I mean, I have a lot of respect for John but he needs to understand that the people voted for whatever it is morons like me decide to do with the Brexit mandate, even if it means turning Britain into a post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

 

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