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John Bercow under fire for calling stupid woman “a stupid woman”

John Bercow has come under fire after saying that someone who is actually stupid is stupid, it has been reported.

The Speaker of the House of Commons is alleged to have called Andrea Leadsom a “stupid woman” and “fucking useless”, both of which are demonstrably true.

Cabinet member Leadsom has made a number of visionary proposals, such as getting young people to take up fruit picking jobs, and making tea, biscuits and jam central to British trade plans after Brexit.

Speaking to the Sun, Leadsom said: “I am outraged that the Speaker, who is not a Brexiter and regularly thwarts the will of the people, has outed me as a stupid woman who is fucking useless.”

“I should have been allowed to come out as stupid and fucking useless in my own time, when I felt the time was right, not in the midst of a Parliamentary debate where we were trying to turn Britain into a fascist dictatorship.”

“I mean, I have a lot of respect for John but he needs to understand that the people voted for whatever it is morons like me decide to do with the Brexit mandate, even if it means turning Britain into a post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

 

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Vote for our lies again, Tories plead

The public should vote for our lies again, the Conservatives have announced.

As the public heads to the polls, the Prime Minister made a last-minute attempt to swing the vote back to the Conservatives: “We have nothing to offer except lies, racism and the annihilation of the NHS. Please vote for us today and give us another opportunity renege on all our promises.”

“The patriotic will of the people was made clear in the EU referendum and in the most recent general election, and I call on the voting public to now vote accordingly. This means voting for the a Conservative Party that has been infiltrated and shifted to the far-right by UKIP.”

“Because the people love me, I predict we will win all wards with at least 100 per cent of the popular vote. In the event that Labour do well, my allies in the media and the PLP stand ready to say that any result for Labour, however good, is a disaster and a sign that Jeremy Corbyn should resign, or at least stop holding me to account.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “There is mounting evidence that voters intend to punish Labour for unpatriotically holding the government to account, when the party should instead have been praising Theresa May’s brave decision to attend PMQs in the nude, to show she has nothing to hide over the Windrush scandal.”

“I will be on television later tonight to help the Government save face in the wake of big losses in today’s local elections.”

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Ministers caught doing dodgy shit no longer have to resign, says Government

Conservative Ministers who get caught doing dodgy shit will no longer be asked to resign, the Government has announced.

A spokesperson for the Government said: “The British establishment is in a state of war with subversive elements who are intent on plundering our tax loopholes to pay for the terrorist NHS, which is only really used by people who are too feckless to have been born into immense wealth.”

“Because the official opposition has been unpatriotically holding us to account in this time of war, we have decided to introduce a new rule that will protect Conservative Ministers from having to resign, no matter how incompetent or evil they are found out to be.”

“Thanks to this new rule, Jeremy Hunt can now come out of hiding to continue his great work of running down and privatising the NHS, and giving the British public the kind of healthcare choice that our steadfast ally the United States currently offers its own citizens.”

Chris Bumfield, a research fellow at the Institute for Corruption and Incompetence Studies, said: “Conservative Ministers have a hard time running the country into the ground, and should be rewarded with the same job security that the little people have.”

“It is simply obscene that opposition politicians can get away with calling for Ministers to resign over trivial misdemeanours like imprisoning and deporting British citizens with no chance to appeal.”

“The Home Secretary deserves to be given the time and space to conduct a thorough review of what happened, and how to shift the blame away from her department, and onto the victims and the Labour Party who were not in power when this all happened.”

“By the time the report comes out, the public will have been distracted by a new Tory scandal or something like a Royal baby, anyway.”

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We’re sorry we got caught, says government that knowingly imprisoned and deported British citizens

The Government has apologised unreservedly for getting caught violating the rights of British citizens, it has been reported.

A spokesperson for Theresa May said: “The Prime Minister is sorry she got caught violating the rights of thousands of British citizens, and she is prepared to make amends by granting all Windrush immigrants the British citizenship they have legally had for decades already.”

“When she had their landing cards destroyed as Home Secretary, the future Prime Minister had no idea that several years later she would decide to illegally imprison and deport Windrush Britons from their own country as part of a drive to please racist Little Englanders.”

“Even though it is clear that she is to blame herself, the PM now calls on Jeremy Corbyn to take full responsibility and resign over this regretable affair.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg commented: “This is yet another colossal fuck up by the Conservatives, but we’re too busy holding the opposition to account to report an issue as trivial as the massive violation of the rights of British citizens.”

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Acclaimed musician slams Tories and ‘self serving’ May

I recently had the pleasure of hooking up with critically acclaimed Jazz musician Sean Khan to chat about Moment of Collapse, the first single from his new album Palmares Fantasia, and its connection to current British and World politics.

We meet in a little-known tea house located within Oporto’s arts quarter, and while we wait for our Rooibos tea, I ask Sean what inspired the lyrics of Moment of Collapse.

Sean: “Moment of Collapse is a little connection to what’s happening at the moment with the world going through a political crisis, partly fueled by the uncertainty of Brexit and the uncertainty of what’s going on in the States with Trump.”

“It’s a message that people should try to come together, instead of looking to move away. We’ve been there before in the thirties and it was absolutely disastrous for Humanity. It’s shocking that people just don’t want to look at that and try and learn from that.”

Me: So there’s a strong political message behind this track.

Sean: “I’d say it’s actually more of a humanist message to be honest. Politics basically is just words and theories, but here I’m trying to reach out with a message that’s more spiritual than political.”

“People are worried about their jobs, whether they can  get through the year financially, they’re worried about their kids. And then we get these professional provocateurs like Nigel Farage, who come in with the most ridiculous messages about blaming foreigners or taking back control, and people are starting to listen to them again because the global culture has become so dumbed-down. Don’t listen to them, don’t follow these people — that’s a message I wanted to convey with Moment of Collapse.”

We agree that the public generally know there are big problems in modern Britain, but not enough people have worked out that the real cause is not the EU, foreigners, or any of the other scapegoats that the right have pointed the finger at.

Sean: “That’s the great illusion; it was used in the thirties by fascist groups and it’s an age-old rehash of the same nonsense, the economic system is in crisis due to the way it’s run. It’s not really run on purely capitalist lines, it’s run on corporate lines which is very different.”

“Capitalist thinkers often quote Adam Smith, but he wouldn’t recognise what they are doing in his name, exploiting individual talent, doesn’t mean you have to exploit whole groups of people, and then blame everyone else when the system fails.”

Inevitably, I ask Sean what he thinks about Jeremy Corbyn.

Sean: “Frankly, I’m appalled at some of the rubbish that’s been written about him. This whole  political class has failed large groups of people, and we’ve got to look closely at what Corbyn is putting forward, whether he’s going to seriously tackle the crises in the NHS, in education and elsewhere. Fundamental societal structures have got to be reinforced in a crisis, not taken away.”

“I’m not a rabid left winger per se, I’m just looking at the faults of the system. I completely agree with allowing the individual to exploit their talents to earn a living, but there also have to be systems in place to help people less fortunate, and if we get rid of those systems society becomes less civil and we all suffer the consequences. This is what Moment of Collapse is all about.”

“In recent years the public have only ever really had a choice between seriously corporate global capitalist leaders or rabid right wingers. It’s a false choice that I don’t want and I doubt most other people want it either. There needs to be a proper alternative that doesn’t involve the complete crushing of the individual that most forms of communism advocate.”

Me: What’s your take on what Noel Gallagher recently said about Corbyn? (“F*** Jeremy Corbyn, he’s a communist”.)

Sean: (laughs) “Did he really say that! I don’t want to insult Noel Gallagher because he’s a tough guy, but pop music by its nature is not very deep music, and the guy’s obviously said something that’s a bit silly and throwaway. When you get celebrities getting involved in politics at a really facile level like this it can be a little embarrassing.”

“I don’t expect Noel is affected by this government’s austerity policies at all, but quite a lot of the people who listen to him will be, and it’s quite sad to think that he may have turned some of his fans away from a Labour leader who, for all his faults, is probably represents the best chance we currently have to fix this broken country.”

“No, I don’t think Corbyn’s a communist, and his left wing ideals are really being overstated by Noel and loads of others. People need to step back and understand what Marxism or communism actually means, and it’s a far cry from what Corbyn is proposing.”

“On the other hand, Theresa May is appalling. She’s self-serving, only interested in staying power, and has no regard for the people she’s meant to be serving. It’s really obvious that she’s got into bed with rabid nationalists just to maintain her power. And when you’ve got even Tory rebels saying hang on, this is the wrong move, it’s obvious there’s something seriously wrong with this picture.”

Palmares Fantasy is available to preview and order here.

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Internal party bickering is more important than fighting the Tories, say Blairites

Internal party bickering is more important than fighting the Tories, the Blairite faction of the Labour Party has announced.

Writing in the Sun, Labour MP John Mann argued: “Although we have failed several times to overthrow the elected leader of the labour Party, those of us who oppose Jeremy Corbyn owe it to the poorest and most vulnerable to keep on trying.”

“With the local elections fast approaching, and Labour set to do very well this time around, we have decided to launch a renewed smear campaign against Corbyn and the left of the party, with the aim of diverting attention away from the evil shit the Tories are doing to this country, and making the Labour Party look as unattractive as possible to the electorate.”

“With austerity biting hard and ever more children facing poverty and other extreme hardships, now more than ever does our right-leaning faction of the Labour Party need to ally itself with the Tories, to ensure a sinister humanist and moderate left winger like Jeremy Corbyn cannot seize power via the ballot box.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said. “We welcome the renewed smear campaign against Jeremy Corbyn, because it takes the heat off the Government at a very awkward time, with revelations having just emerged about cheating during the Brexit referendum, and my party’s possible use of entities like Cambridge Analytica to win elections.”

“Ordinarly, revelations of this kind would invalidate our mandate to govern or to leave the EU, but because the media’s attention has been turned on Labour and the anti-semitism witch-hunt, it looks like we’ll get away with our blatant electoral fraud yet again.”

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Only WE are allowed to kill people on British streets, Tories tell Russia

Only WE are allowed to kill people on the streets of Britain, the Tories have told Russia.

Speaking at the Conservative Party Conference, Theresa May said: “We will never tolerate a threat to the life of British citizens from Russia. Only this Conservative Government has a legitimate mandate to kill people with impunity on the streets of Britain.”

“The rule of law. Freedom of speech. The toleration of dissenting and minority views. A free press. Fair and democratic elections. A thriving civil society. These are the foundation stones of human freedom, and are all things that I have worked hard to erode during my time in office, first as Home Secretary, and now as Prime Minister.”

Former Minister Iain Duncan Smith said: “We have worked hard to set up our inhumane and punitive system of ever reducing social welfare, which has killed countless thousands of the poorest and most vulnerablem and it is an utter outrage to have Russian agents coming over here and killing people in the streets.

“Only I deserve to bask in the glory of taking the lives of unsuspecting members of the public, through my cruel welfare reforms.”

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US lifts anthrax ban because it’s not anthrax that kills, it’s the person mailing it who does

The United States Congress has voted to lift the ban on possession of anthrax, which is also known as the bacterium Bacillus Anthracis, it has been confirmed today.

Speaking on Fox News, House Speaker Paul Ryan said: “Anthrax doesn’t kill, the person who mails it does. And that is why we have voted to lift the unconstitutional ban on Anthrax, safeguarding American liberty so that ordinary citizens can once again take their own decisions about how they choose to defend their homes and schools using this deadly bacterium.”

“By arming every citizen with anthrax, including teachers and homeless war veterans, communities all across America will become so much safer, because all future anthrax attacks will be prevented by the presence of a good guy with anthrax.”

“The large donations many congressmen have recieved from the National Anthrax Association have absolutely nothing to do with this decision, just like donations from the NRA have nothing to do with our lack of interest in enacting any kind of gun control.”

President Trump openly supported the lifting of the ban, publishing a tweet in support of the move: “Nothing is more American than being able to choose how to end another person’s life using a deadly weapon or bacterium.”

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Senior Tories pledge to lead first wave of British troops in new Russia war

Senior Tories will lead British troops in the upcoming war with Russia, it has been announced.

Speaking to the Sun, former Tory leader Iain Duncan Smith said: “In an attempt to distract the public from the omnishambles that is Brexit, a jolly good war is going to be necessary, and soon.”

“As a retired military officer who reached the rank of Major Twat, I am well placed to lead our boys into battle in this glorious new war.”

“However, it is important that as much of the glory and medals as possible go to Conservative politicians, and for this reason I have assembled an elite group of hard-line MPs who will parachute in with the first wave to make sure the opening stages of the war go according to plan.”

“Of course, there is no actual plan, but I am confident we will come up with one at some point in time after hostilities begin.”

“Armed with top secret weapons code-named AUSTERITY and UNIVERSAL CREDIT, my crack team of hard-right headbangers will bring death and misery to the poor and the vulnerable in the newly occupied territories of our new Eastern Empire.”

“When not killing the enemy, I will patrol the battlefield issuing cruel sanctions to the wounded, and declaring the dead fit for work.”

A spokesman for the Russian Ministry of Defence commented: “We do not  understand why the British government is talking about going to war with Russia. Were the large bribes we paid to various British politicians not high enough?”

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Corbyn image wasn’t photoshopped, it was done in MS Paint, claims BBC

Faked imagery of Jeremy Corbyn was done in MS Paint and not Photoshop, the BBC has claimed.

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “As the state broadcaster, the BBC has a moral and legal obligation to hold the opposition to account, and to defend the elected patriotic government from left-wing attempts to seize power via the ballot box.”

“We have been accused of using Photoshop to create a fake image of Jeremy Corbyn wearing a Bolshevic hat in front of the Kremlin, to create a visual lie suggesting that he is a traitor and a Russian stooge.”

“However, the accusation against us is completely untrue. In actual fact, we used MS Paint to make the fake image, not Photoshop as a number of anti-British traitors have suggested.”

Kuenssberg added: “Because the accusation of photoshopping is untrue, Jeremy Corbyn should now immediately resign and let the Blairites take Labour back to the good old days of waving through Tory austerity.”

“Even if we had used Photoshop instead of MS Paint, Jeremy Corbyn should still have to resign because of his dangerous humanist ideals, such as making the super rich pay tax and making sure the little people get decent healthcare and public services.”

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A Satirical Take On The News