Young people who oppose fascism are the real fascists, a fascist bastard has claimed.
Speaking during a televised speech, Nigel Farage said: “Educational establishments are teaching young people critical thinking skills that are highly dangerous to parties like UKIP, such as how to identify and reject the bullshit a professional liar like me.”
“What is now worryingly clear is that young people are becoming increasingly intolerant of racist and fascist political ideals like those I hold.”
“This needs to be challenged, and I call on the Secretary of State for Education to accelerate the degradation of the state education system to ensure school leavers are left powerless to see through my lies, as is much more commonly the case with the patriotic older generations.”
“If you think about it, the real fascists here are not people like me who have fascist ideals and who deliberately stoke hatred and division. The true fascists are actually those who oppose fascism.”
“Because wanting the people of Europe to come together in friendship, peace and prosperity is just about the most evil and oppressive thing anybody could do.”
There is ‘no evidence’ for massive Russian involvement in the EU referendum, according to politicians who benefited from it.
A cabinet source told Newscrasher: “The Prime Minister is very grateful to Vladimir Putin for all the clandestine funding and assistance he has given the Tories and UKIP in recent years, without which she would not have been able to take power and turn the country into a fascist dictatorship.”
“However, the government still maintains there is no real evidence for corrupt Russian involvement in the EU referendum, because it would be really inconvenient and people might finally recognise us for the corrupt shits we truly are.”
“The same goes for the 2015 general election which my party won by committing massive electoral fraud, again helped by Russian money.”
Commenting on recent revelations about Russian meddling in British politics, Nigel Farage said: “When Hillary Clinton first exposed me as a Russian agent working to destabilise Europe and the UK for personal financial gain, I was initially quite worried that my time on the gravy train might be up.”
“But then I remembered that a majority of the British public are actually stupid enough to believe anything that a far-right demagogue like me tells them, even when I put out full-on Nazi propaganda.”
Further reading: The Kremlin’s Trojan Horses
Employees of the Department for Work and Pensions will receive a generous bonus for causing the death of benefit claimants, senior Tories have announced.
One senior Tory, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid looking a total cunt, told Newscrasher: “Although we do have some very good people working at the DWP, there is still a widespread belief that their job is to help people in need, instead of hounding the poor and the vulnerable to death.”
“Much like the Germans who guarded concentration camps in the Second World War, DWP staff are mostly just following the orders that are handed down from their sadistic bosses. This needs to change if we are to reshape Britain into a place where the rich can rightly flourish at the expense of the poor.”
“While it is true that many of our staff show promise as potential Waffen-DWP soldiers, the majority still have some way to go if they want to become true Nazis.”
“And that is why the DWP will be offering a system of bonuses for staff who manage to cause benefit claimants to die. One tenth of the cost saving due to victim’s death will be paid to the responsible DWP staff member, and the rest will go towards the upkeep of the mansion where I live with my in-laws.”
Only by increasing the level of infighting between factions of the Labour party will we be able to fight the Tories and save the NHS, Peter Mandelson has announced.
The disgraced former Labour minister said: “It’s disgusting the way Jeremy Corbyn has proper left wing ideals that could help ordinary people. Only by adopting Thatcherite ideals will hard working wealth creators like me or Rupert Murdoch allow Labour to get elected again.”
“Thanks in part to perpetual infighting in the Labour Party, the Tories are on track to completely abolish the NHS, human rights and maybe even democracy itself.”
“And this is why I will work every day to undermine any leader of the Labour Party who is actually left wing. Only by an increased level of infighting will we be able to save the NHS and restore prosperity to Britain.”
However, a Labour source said: “The idea of Jeremy Corbyn being prime minister and implementing policies that actually benefit the people terrifies the establishment, so it’s no surprise Peter Mandelson has found time in his busy schedule of spending time on oligarch’s yachts to attempt to undermine him.”
The source added: “Jeremy has every intention of remaining Leader of the Labour Party for the foreseeable future. Nothing will stop him from setting a new world record for the longest serving opposition leader.”
The Department for Work and Pensions is to bring in a new Work Capability Assessment that simply checks whether the ‘victim’ is alive, it has been announced.
A spokesperson for the Government said: “The Department for Work and Pensions is committed to creating a benefits system fit for twenty first century Tory Britain, where the needy are hounded to death, and where mercenary healthcare professionals declare everybody fit for work regardless of medical evidence.”
“Thanks to groundbreaking research by Iain Duncan Smith, it is now an established scientific fact that the Nazis were correct when they claimed ‘work sets you free’. And because Britain voted for freedom on 23 June 2016, the DWP now has a clear mandate to declare everybody fit for work, regardless of medical evidence to the contrary.”
“Our new Work Capability Assessment will be undertaken by healthcare professionals with no actual medical training, who will ask a single question: are you dead or alive?”
“If the victim is alive or unable to produce an up to date CV that proves they died in a DWP approved industrial accident, they will be declared fit for work and have their benefits stopped.”
“This is the will of the people as expressed on 23 June last year, which is irrevocable and must be respected, forever.”
Theresa May will to turn up and stare at anyone who tries to thwart the will of the people, it has been announced.
Speaking to the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, the Prime Minister said: “The unwritten constitution of the United Kingdom merely suggests how the government might consider going about its business, but as supreme ruler of this kingdom I am entirely within my rights to ignore the Constitution when it gets in the way of my tyrannical ambitions.”
“And that is why I today violated centuries of constitutional convention by entering the House of Lords, where I gave evil looks at anybody unpatriotic enough to not back my colossal scam against the British public.”
“The mark of a mature democracy is that once a decision has been taken, however flippantly, the country must never be allowed to change its mind.”
“Although it is good for the people to decide things about how the country is run, especially when the main parties collude to offer no real choice whatsoever, it should also be recognised that sometimes the people do not truly know what they want.”
“As benevolent dictator of this proudly white and heterosexual nation, this country in which I enjoy a 110 per cent approval rating, only I could ever know what the people truly want.”
“And that is why Brexit and the annihilation of the NHS are definitely going to happen, whether the people want that or not.”
Paul Nuttall is currently building a time machine that he claims will allow him to travel back through time and do things all the things he has lied about doing, it has emerged.
Speaking to BBC, which has been giving inexplicably undue airtime to his party of fringe lunatics, Dr. Nuttall said: “Although people have doubted for years that time travel is possible, can I just remind the voters of stoke I have a PhD. And even if I don’t I will soon go back in time and make it so.”
Nuttall also plans to leave himself a copy of the 1957 sports almanac, and to place a bet on 96 people dying at Hillsborough in 1989: “If it worked for Donald Trump and Biff Tannen it can work for me.”
Among the historical events that Nuttall plans to attend are the invasion of Poland by Germany that triggered World War 2, and the assassination of Clement Attlee in 1946 which prevented the NHS being established in an alternative reality.
Nuttall also spoke of looking forward to torchlit rallies with kindred spirits at Nuremberg, and meeting General Pinochet in 1973.
“My favourite event however will be to go for a drink with Vladimir Putin in East Germany. There’s so much I can teach him, and learn from him.”
By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog
Former Prime Minister Winston Churchill, who led the nation to victory against the Nazis in the second world war, would definitely support British fascism now, UKIP voters have claimed.
As leader of the opposition, Winston Churchill attacked the Government of the day for not joining the forerunner of the EEC: “We cannot aim at anything less than the Union of Europe as a whole, and we look forward with confidence to the day when that Union will be achieved.”
But many leave voters are adamant that Churchill would have sided with their mission to turn the clock back to the hateful, violent 1930s.
Among them is UKIP supporter Chris Bumfield, who told Newscrasher: “Despite fighting tirelessly against German fascism in the Second World War, Winston Churchill would now definitely agree with all the fascist views I hold.”
“What’s more, Churchill would also support Britain’s withdrawal from the European Union, despite being a strong advocate first for the unification of Britain and France into a single state, and later for the creation of a European superstate very much like what the EU is today.”
“Who needs peace and prosperity when we can instead have divisions and hatred of foreigners. I’m pretty sure hatred is going to pay the bills every bit as well as the job I am about to lose when my employer moves out of the UK.”
Bumfield’s views are backed by all-round genius and Conservative MP, Iain Duncan Smith. “I have studied Churchill extensively over the past 17 minutes before this interview, and although he founded the United Europe Movement in 1947, this was obviously a plot by the great British bulldog to bring down a future united states of Europe from the inside. It’s disgusting how a man who fought nazism from the moment he was born has been co-opted as one of the nine founding fathers of the European Union.”
By Horace McSavage
Satan is to be honoured with an official state visit later this year, the government has confirmed.
Despite strong opposition to the plan, Theresa May’s government is adamant that the visit must go ahead.
A government spokesperson said: “Satan has long been a great ally and friend of the Conservative Party and has masterminded, as well as influenced some key policies introduced by the current administration.”
The spokesman flatly denied that it is inappropriate to extend such an honour to The Father of Lies: “It’s just absurd that a tiny minority of loony, lefty, Guardian-reading, snowflakes are upset about his visit. How dare they try to defy the will of the people.”
“Sure, Lucifer isn’t exactly known for his squeaky clean image, what with all the eternal torture of souls and other shit. But we, as a nation, simply cannot afford to pass up the opportunity to suck up to such an influential underworld figure.”
The Devil’s chief of staff has made it clear that Satan is very much looking forward to the visit, and in particular his stay at Buckingham Palace, where he will be reunited with his old friend the Queen.
Donald Trump is definitive ‘living proof’ that the body can survive without a brain, doctors have announced.
The discovery was made after an MRI scan, taken during a routine health check of the then President Elect last December, showed his cranium to be completely empty.
Medical researchers from around the world have heralded the discovery as a major breakthrough in the area of neuro-political science.
Professor Chris Bumfield of the Alternative Science Institute told Newscrasher America: “Researchers have long suspected that living among us are a small number of individuals who are able not only to survive, but to lead an ostensibly normal life and sometimes even enter politics despite having no brain whatsoever.”
“Previously written off as an urban legend, Donald Trump is living proof that the so-called ‘brainless politician’ phenomenon is real.”
However, the President has angrily denied the claim on Twitter: “I can assure you that I do in fact have a brain, and a very good one at that. The best. SO UNFAIR.”
“To the untrained eye I appear to be utterly incompetent, but in reality I am a scheming evil genius who is deliberately running the country into the ground, for personal financial gain.”
“Thankfully, with the might of Russian internet trolls on my side, I have no doubt that many millions of gullible members of the public will fall hook, line and sinker for my dirty little scam.”