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Tom Watson to launch inquiry into ‘fake Labour politicians’, including himself and all the Blairites

Deputy Labour Leader Tom Watson has launched an inquiry into ‘fake Labour politicians’ including himself and all the Blairites, it has emerged.

Mr Watson said: “With my minion Michael Dugher now investigating ways to censor independent left wing media outlets which have dared to expose acts of skullduggery by right wing infiltrators of the Labour Party, I thought it timely to launch an inquiry into ‘fake Labour politicians’.”

“Unfortunately, there is a particular problem with right wing politicians who have infiltrated the Labour Party over a number of years, with the goal of turning it into just another Conservative party. Now that they’ve lost control, they are working tirelessly to ensure the party has no chance to succeed as long as it has a leader with any kind of left wing ideals.”

“Because they do not have anything useful to contribute to he debate on how to help make people’s live better, these ‘fake politicians’ use the right wing media to spread lies and misinformation, which can influence voters in such a way that they often end up voting against their own best interests.”

“It is of utmost importance that we now hold an inquiry into ‘fake Labour politicians’ such as me and all my Blairite co-conspirators, and then blame everything on The Canary, Evolve Politics, and of course Trotskyist arm-twisters like Jeremy Corbyn.”

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BBC broadcasts Nuremberg rally footage instead of Question Time, and nobody notices a difference

The BBC have inadvertently broadcast footage from Adolf Hitler’s 1933 Nuremburg  rally in place of Question Time and nobody noticed a difference, it has emerged.

UKIP Leader Paul Nuttall said: “I tuned in to BBC1 expecting to watch a studio full of people blaming all our problems on immigrants and remain voters. So it was a pleasant surprise that instead of the scheduled live broadcast of Question Time, the BBC appeared to have inadvertently shown one full hour of Adolf Hitler speaking to a Nazi horde at Nuremberg in the 1930s.”

“Although my political ideals are quite similar to those of the Nazis, I would like to emphasize that there are some big differences that I would like potential enemies of the state to keep in mind.”

“Unlike the Nazis, I am pushing for fascism to be instituted in Britain in the year 2016, not in 1930s Germany.”

However, not all viewers were happy with the BBC’s mistake. Chris Bumfield from Milton Keynes told Newscrasher: “It took me twenty minutes to realise that I was watching a far right politician scapegoating a perceived internal enemy to a gullible right wing audience in the 1930s, instead of the expected BBC programme showing far right politicians scapegoating a perceived internal enemy to a gullible right wing audience in 2016.”

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Britain First’s Jayda Fransen to march on Westminster with army of 10,000 uruk-hai

Britain First’s Jayda Fransen has pledged to march on Westminster at the head of an army of 10,000 uruk-hai, it has emerged.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the deputy leader of the far right group said: “Next week a panel of judges will decide whether Theresa May’s right wing dictatorship has the right to take us out of the EU, against the wishes of the majority of the public and parliament.”

“To help the judges make up their minds, I will be marching on central London at the head of a 10,000 strong army of fighting uruk-hai, to pressure these judges into accepting the fact that us fascists are now in control, because that’s what people voted for.”

“Paul Golding and I will be praying to Our Lord Jesus Christ that all the judges are white, Christian heterosexuals with a penchant for fascism this time around.”

Fransen added: “We expect to have around 100 ill-informed Brexit-supporting pensioners marching with us as well, although numbers may dwindle somewhat once our uruk-hai begin to hunger for man-flesh.”

In association with Mordor First.

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Lying shit demands we stop criticising another lying shit

A lying shit who helped destroy Britain’s economy  has demanded that people stop criticising his mate who is also a lying shit who  helped destroy Britain’s economy, it has emerged.

Speaking on the BBC, Michael Gove said: “Nigel Farage was instrumental in spreading the lies and hatred of foreigners that fooled 17 million British voters into voting for the destruction of Britain by Brexit.”

“All Brexit supporting politicians, however evil, corrupt or dishonest should be respected, not questioned or criticised. If anything, we should be rewarded with an immediate knighthood and a place in the House of Lords.”

“I know he won’t mind me telling you, but Nigel cries himself to sleep at night because of all the bullying he has been getting lately.”

“Among the most upsetting incidents happened when Twitter users asked why Nigel had decided to fuck off to the USA instead of staying in Britain to clean up the huge mess he’d helped make.”

“I know Nigel was also deeply hurt by suggestions that, as a millionaire former stockbroker who was photographed in a lift made out of gold, he is clearly not the beer swilling down to earth man of the people he often pretends to be.”

“I just think it is really unfair that Nigel Farage has had to suffer this kind of criticism, simply for being true to himself and acting like a xenophobic cunt.”

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Tories still best at managing economy, says man whose life the Tories recently ruined

The Tories are still the best people to manage the economy, according to a man whose life has just been ruined by the Tories.

Conservative voter Chris Bumfield said: “Despite causing year upon year of economic chaos which has resulted a substantial decrease in my standard of living, I still believe the Tories are the best at managing the economy because it’s something people say a lot.”

“And now that the Conservatives’ civil war over Europe led to the people voting to leave the EU against their own interests, we are experiencing yet another Tory omnishambles in the form of Brexit.”

“At first I thought the Tories were to blame for what they’ve done to this country, but thankfully the Daily Mail was there to inform me that none of the bad things that have happened since the referendum have anything to do with Brexit.”

“No, everything is the fault of remainers, or ‘remoaners’ as I like to call them (tee hee hee), and traitorous economists who refuse to think positive about Brexit and the incredible opportunities it presents for this now great country.

“Yes, it’s their fault but it’s nothing to do with Brexit.”

An anonymous Conservative told Newscrasher: “Our party has always done a fantastic job of managing the economy for the sole benefit of high net worth individuals who don’t like paying tax, while trying our hardest to make poor people’s lives as shit as possible.”

“The Brexit shitstorm provides the perfect camouflage for my party to push through all the hard right policies that Thatcher wanted to get done but was to scared to try. A mere two years from now there will be no welfare state except for pensioners, no NHS except for pensioners, and parents will be forced to pay thousands of pounds a year to send their children to a state school.”

“And the right wing media like the Sun and BBC will be there to brainwash enough of the poor into supporting it all.”

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Blair rules out return to frontline politics after realising he is a massive twat

Tony Blair has ruled out making a return to frontline politics after realising that he is in fact a massive twat, the former prime minister has announced.

“Having successfully spread democracy to Iraq and the rest of the Middle East, I believed I would receive a hero’s welcome on my return to UK politics, but to my surprise it appears that I am almost universally despised.”

“Have I not killed enough foreigners, including many women and children, to be considered a great war hero by the public in this brave, new fascist Britain?”

“And then it dawned on me. Not only am I a war criminal who took the UK into war on a lie, with disastrous consequences, but I am also a massive twat.”

“And this is why today I announce that I will abandon my plan to return to frontline politics. I had been planning to help Tom Watson and his co-conspirators in their crusade against Jeremy Corbyn and the membership of the party, but I think I’ll just go somewhere else and enjoy the immense wealth I have accumulated thanks to the leaders of a number of totalitarian dictatorships.”

Image Credit: K Singh.

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Only Sun and BBC should publish fake news, Labour’s Tom Watson argues

Only right-leaning media which are owned or controlled by Tories should be allowed to publish ‘fake news’, Labour’s Tom Watson has argued.

Speaking to Newscrasher, Deputy Labour Leader Tom Watson complained: “The internet and social media in particular have opened up frightening new possibilities for left wing people to share left wing opinions to a large audience, in direct competition to this country’s cherished right wing media outlets like the Sun, the Daily Mail, or the BBC.”

“In the past, people like me enjoyed relative freedom from criticism in the media as long as we didn’t do anything radical like try to help people who are poor. That kind of thing tends to anger rich media barons like Rupert Murdoch.”

“Unfortunately, there are now a number of left leaning news websites which support antichrist vampire Jeremy Corbyn, and if that isn’t bad enough, they have been willing to expose my scheme to ensure the Labour under Corbyn is disunited and unable to mount any serious opposition to the government.”

Mr. Watson continued: “Websites such as The Canary or Evolve Politics have been particularly effective at challenging our right wing narrative. Although these websites are far more truthful than the Sun or Mail, my crony Michael Dugher is going to brand them ‘fake news’ sites in an attempt to discredit them. Of course, in a sense they are fake news because they support Jeremy Corbyn and not me.”

Micheal Dugher, who is tasked with leading a crusade against left wing independent media, also said: “It would be great if we could have them all banned, along with satire sites too. More often than now, they are worryingly close to the truth and are damaging my faction’s repeated attempts to overthrow Jeremy Corbyn, who has repeatedly failed to acknowledge Tom’s decree that this is a right wing party now.”

“I wish we could just uninvent the internet and go back to the days when people had no choice but to believe the outright lies published by right wing media Barons like Rupert Murdoch.”

This story is, of course, satirical.

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Twat who urged ‘take back control’ is now OK with foreign leader choosing our ambassadors

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

A Twat who urged British voters to ‘take back control’ from foreign politicians is now perfectly OK with a foreign leader choosing our ambassadors, it has emerged.

Ranting on Twitter, Nigel Farage said: “In voting to leave the EU the British people decided to take back control from foreign governments. I now call on the British government to listen to the president elect of America and immediately appoint me ambassador.”

“I believe that my stunning hypocrisy is justified by the fact that I would definitely be the greatest fascist ambassador in the history of this country.”

“Failing that, I think I should be made prime minister, again by presidential decree.”

“I am definitely not in the pay of  foreign power, especially not Russia. Definitely not. There is absolutely no evidence to back that up. And those EU expenses were merely resting in our account.”

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Nigel Farage complains this would never have been allowed under the Nazis

Acting fuhrer of the United Kingdom Independence Party Nigel Farage has reacted angrily after the British government refused his ‘entirely reasonable’ demand to be appointed British ambassador to the USA, it has emerged.

Tweeting on Twitter, Mr Farage said: “This is an outrage which would never have been allowed to happen under the Nazis.”

Writing on a far-right website, the alleged fraudster went into more detail: “I’ve spent most of my political career stoking hatred and resentment against foreigners and the EU, and all I ask in return is to be given a position that will allow me to spread my bigoted views even more widely. Is that too much to ask?”

“As ambassador, I could work wonders for the people of Britain by advancing the cause of fascism at home, and also in our close ally the United States.”

“Now that the survivors of the world’s last big experiment with fascism are almost gone, and their ungrateful kid are now calling the shots, I think this is probably a good time to give Nazism, death camps and total war another shot.”

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NHS needs to be much more racist, government officials confirm

The National Health Service needs to become a lot more racist in the way it deals with its patients, government officials have announced.

It is understood that hospital staff will be required by law to demand proof of Britishness before treatment is given, with evaluations being conducted at huge expense by mercenary nurses supplied by Atos or G4S. If a valid British passport with at least 6 months before expiry cannot be provided, the patient will be asked to fill a 12 page questionnaire about the benefits of Brexit.

A senior figure from the Department of Health said: “Health tourism is an insignificant problem that has been blown out of proportion by the press, but it does offers an excellent excuse to introduce systems for identity checks and patient charging into our hospitals.”

“To avoid alerting the general populace to our intentions, initially only ‘bad’ foreigners will face a charges NHS treatment. However, once Jeremy Hunt’s dastardly plan to defund the NHS has taken its toll, we think the public will accept the introduction of a ‘sickness penalty tax’, to be levied on everyone who needs NHS treatment and whose earnings are below the widely accepted scrounger/striver threshold of £100,000 a year.”

“Our objective is to make the NHS a lot fairer to rich people who resent that a small fraction of the tax they pay goes to fund socialised healthcare provision for people who are less wealthy than they are.”

Medical professionals are not impressed, however. One NHS doctor told Newscrasher: “Jeremy Hunt is living proof that the human body can survive for extended periods without a brain. I’m actually preparing an article for publication in The Lancet about this.”

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