Tories Jubilant as record deaths from cold and hunger predicted for Christmas period

Senior Conservatives are jubilant over the prediction of a record number of deaths this Christmas due to cold or hunger, it has been reported.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one senior Tory said: “I am very clear that my strong and stable government is raising the living standards of the rich at a time when they need it least, because is what the country voted for in my recent landslide election victory.”

“However, there is no magic money tree, and the money must come from somewhere. The unemployed, the disabled, and the feckless working poor  will be asset-stripped until there is nothing left for them to give, at which point we’ll starve or freeze them to death using the system of cruel sanctions pioneered by Iain Duncan Smith.”

Iain Duncan Smith reportedly punched their air with joy at the prospect of what he called “a huge victory for social justice”.

The Former Minister for Manslaughter told reporters: “For many years I have been praying to Our Lord Jesus Christ, asking for a really cold winter with loads of deaths from among the poorest and most vulnerable people in our brave new society.”

“It is my belief that as they freeze or starve to death, the victims of austerity will feel a patriotic fervour derived from the knowledge that they are about to die for the lofty cause of making rich people every so slightly richer.”

“Jesus himself has granted us this huge victory for social justice.”


David Davis awarded honorary doctorate by University of Life

David Davis has been awarded an honorary doctorate by the University of Life, it has been announced.

The university’s Vice Chancellor, Professor Chris Bumfield, said: “In recognition of the extraordinary work David Davis has done towards a destructive and racist Brexit, we are extremely proud to award him an honorary Ph.D. in the area of Brexit Science.”

“The way he finessed the question of the simultaneous existence and non-existence of those 58 sectorial impact studies was a tour de force, and is an example of the high quality Brexit Science that this university is keen to promote.”

The University of Life is Britain’s fastest growing university, and its stated aims include giving its students negative IQs by the end of their three-year course, by replacing rational, fact-based thought processes with magical thinking that defies all logic. Its most popular course is the PhD programme in the area of Brexit Science, which has attracted record funding from the government in an attempt to find elusive reasons why leaving the EU might improve the country.

Accepting his diploma, David Davis said: “The University of Life is at the forefront of our brave efforts to reduce Britain to a herd of idiotic sheep who will do and vote exactly as the ruling tell them.”

“It provides validation to people who are basically stupid but want to make believe that a lifetime of watching TV and reading the Sun are equivalent or better than having actually learnt to think at an actual university or college.”


David Davis agrees to buy sofa from DFS at the full price

By Dorothy Hotdog

David Davis has agreed to buy a sofa from DFS at the full price, it has been announced.

The triumphant Brexit Secretary said: “I entered DFS with red lines. It was important to get a larger sofa than the last one, and pay nothing for it. I am pleased to say those red lines have been preserved and I have only paid twice as much for a smaller sofa”

“I did agree to wash the salesman’s car every Sunday for a year too.”

“We need to look beyond that at the real impact the new sofa will have on Ten Downing Street”

“Britons will now see the clear progress that has been made, and will continue to be made, as we transition from our old sitting arrangement to the new one.”

Following the loss of the three seater sofa, and its replacement with a two seater, Mr. Davis is expected to be made to sit on the floor during meetings.


Farage ‘deeply unhappy’ that Brexit deal failed no mention concentration camps

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has expressed his dismay at that Brexit deal does not mention putting foreigners in concentration camps.

Mr Farage told a radio interviewer: “I am deeply unhappy about the deal that Theresa May has struck with the EU, because it fails to achieve a number of key things we all secretly voted for, including rounding foreigners up and putting them in concentration camps while we ponder how best to dispose of them.”

“Numerous studies have shown that Leave voters tend to be racist and bigoted, and often just want foreigners, ethnic minorities, and LGBT people sent back to where they came from. This means any deal with the EUSSR must address the desire to get rid of foreigners and make Britain into a fully fledged fascist state.”

“Of course, when I say we need to get rid of foreigners, that obviously doesn’t apply to fruity European women I would like to have it off with behind my German wife’s back.”


Workplace masturbation is the key to job satisfaction, says Damian Green

Extended periods of masturbation in the workplace is the key to job satisfaction, according to top Conservative Minister Damian Green.

Mr Green said: “At the end of an ordinary working day, I come home to my wife fully refreshed after a day of hard work, punctuated by periods of extended masturbation at my desk.”

“Bosses looking to raise productivity and employee satisfaction levels should have a long, hard look at implementing this sort of masturbation policy in the workplace.”

“For workers who are not fortunate enough to have a pro-masturbation employer, I suggest becoming best friends with the Prime Minister, just like I am.”

“That way, even if you get caugh bashing one out to porn on your work computer, you can never be sacked. On the contrary, you may even rise to become deputy leader of the 6th richest country on the planet, as I have done.”

“A number of other senior Conservative ministers are also boosting their productivity and job satisfaction using sexually energising techniques. However, they are not yet ready to go public about it for fear of weakening the UK Government’s hand in the ongoing Brexit negotiations.”


This amazing anti Trump tweet is going viral on social media

An amazing anti Trump tweet by the husband of murdered lawmaker Jo Cox has been going viral on social media.

The controversy erupted when Donald Trump retweeted several racist videos from far-right group Britain First, drawing major criticism from British politicians.

As the Twitter was escalated, Brendan Cox (@Mr BrendanCox) tweeted this scathing rebuke to President Trump:

“You have a mass shooting every single day in your country, your murder rate is many times that of the UK, your healthcare system is a disgrace, you can’t pass anything through a congress that you control. I would focus on that.”

Brendan Cox is the widower of slain British lawmaker Jo Cox, who was assassinated in 2016 by right-wing terrorist Thomas Mair. Mair is thought to have been a follower of Britain First at the time, and shouted “Britain first” as he shot Mrs Cox to death.

In an interview on ITV on Thursday, Mr Cox said: “This is a criminal group of people being retweeted by the president of our closest ally and that is a problem, because hatred has impact. When you drive hatred it has consequences, people lose family members. I am testament to that. Wherever that hatred comes from we need to crack down on it and this president is promoting it.”

He added: “Our most important relationship is now mediated through this man who has the mental approach of a toddler. That’s probably being harsh to toddlers. I think my kids would deal with international affairs in a much more effective way.”


Express reader FURY over foreigners ‘coming over here and stealing our princes’

Readers of the Daily Express have expressed outrage over a perceived wave of foreigners coming to Britain just to steal our princes, it has been found.

Writing in the comments section of the online version of the Daily Express, user Chris Bumfield exclaimed: “At first I thought a Royal engagement would be a good thing for Britain, to distract people from the blindingly obvious negative effects of the Brexit we voted for. But then I found out that Prince Harry has gone and got engaged to an American. Bloody foreigners, coming over here and stealing our princes!”

“Why is this country still being flooded with wave after wave of foreigners coming here to steal our princes? Why wasn’t this sort of thing stopped after we voted to leave the EUSSR?”

“This is definitely all the fault of the Remainers who refuse to get behind the government and make a success of destroying the economy.”


Release of complete Brexit reports is ‘against the sacred will of the people’, claims David Davis

Releasing unedited versions of the Brexit impact reports would defy the sacred will of the people, David Davis has claimed.

Addressing Parliament, the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union and Wrecking the Economy said:”I stand before you as a great defender of the sacred will of the people, standing firm against agents of traitorous transparency.”

“There is nothing more sacred in our democracy than the will of the people as expressed on June 23rd 2017, when a concerted campaign of lies tricked the people into voting for a huge fall in living standards.”

“The people voted to leave the European Union without understanding any of the consequences whatsoever. The people must now respect their own flawed decision and let me get on with ruining their lives in ways that Tories do best.”

“The need to respect the sacred will of the people is what prevents me today from releasing the full, unredacted reports on the incredibly negative impact of Brexit.”

“If the people were to be informed of the terrifying ramifications of leaving the EU, I have no doubt that a great many leave voters would immediately switch to remain, in defiance of the will of the people.”

“As someone who respects democracy, that cannot be allowed to happen.”


Why professional liars like me fear social media, by Michael Gove

Recenty, a number of constituents have written to me to express genuine, right-wing concerns about the way social media is negatively affecting proffessional liars like me. Several of them described quite extreme cases where a younger relative has obtained access to fact-based information online, after violently shunning the centrist Murdoch press with aggressive words.

It is true that social media must be lauded allowing unprecedented interconnection and sharing of information between individuals, and the majority of people using social media to share selfies, funny videos of cats, or Daily Mail articles.

And although the vast majority of people use social media with moderation, there is now a hard-core minority who use social media to talk Brexit and the British Government down, putting in jeapardy British industry, the NHS, and even my own hard-won job as a professional liar.

By allowing ordinary people to fact check my lies and then expose my deceptive behaviour to tens of thousands of other people, social media is distorting politics and leading impressionable young people astray, breaking the natural connection between young people and the Conservative Party.

I have no doubt that most social media users between the ages of 16 and 35 would now be fully paid up members of the Young Conservatives, were it not for the corrupting influence of facts and the free exchange of ideas and information that fake news platforms like Facebook facilitate.

What’s more, Rupert Murdoch told me that if the younger generations continue to shun his loss-making fake news papers, he may have to shut them down altogether before too long. I know I am not alone in lamenting the imminent demise of much of the far-right press, whose long-term brianwashing of the British electorate has kept an otherwise centre-left country under the yoke of cruel right wingers for many decades.

This all needs to change, if democracy and the rule of law is to be protected. Something needs to be done about young snowflakes who use social media to defile Britain by rejecting Brexit and Tory misrule.

Therefore, if I become the next Prime Minister I will make church attendance compulsory on a Sunday, I will crack down on social media use by the young, and I will restore the Sun as the main source of news for the British electorate.


This fantastic anti Brexit comment has been going viral on social media

This comment about Brexit in the Guardian has been going viral. It sums up very well how much of the country now feel about Brexit and the people who are forcing the country off the cliff-edge and towards the imminent destruction of not just the economy, but the very fabric of Britain itself.

“Thank you brexiters. You have succeeded in doing what no Armada, airforce, enemy or war has done in 300 years. You’ve made Britain small.

Your vote has manifestly and undeniably reduced this country. You have diminished us in the eyes of the world. Our power has been lessened, our influence has declined, we no longer have the same reach and standing.

You’ve lost us our seat on the international court. You’ve lost us our banks access to Europe. You’ve lost us our position as the cutting edge of European research. You’ve lost us any influence over our European neighbours and friends and as a consequence of that the rest of the world too.

You’ve turned this country into a backwater. You’ve made us a little people on a little island on the periphery of world events.

Taking back control? You’ve given all our power away for a sack full of dreams and a belly full of bile.


Why have you done this? I don’t understand. What is it? What is this grand dream that you believe we’ve lost and that leaving the EU will bring back?

Is it possible that I’m the only British person alive today that has no clue as to what we’re meant to be fighting for? I literally have no idea what you brexiters want. I know what we’re meant to be against, but not one positive thing we’re meant to be striving towards in this new non European Britain. It seems to be something to do with churchill but other than than not a clue. It also seems that as I don’t know what this shared dream is meant to be then somehow you believe I’m now a traitor, why?

So brexiters please tell us all what you’re for, what you want? What is this “control” you claim to want so badly? What is it control over?

I’m not sure you actually understand yourselves. I think it’s a feeling you’re craving, a feeling of control over a world that is passing you by. I don’t think it amounts to any more than that. You want our country to bend to feelings and that’s it. You’re after obtaining the intangible and ephemeral by dismantling the real and permanent.

So please brexiters if you want me to pronounce shibboleth can you please have the decency of saying it out loud first. Give me a clue as to what you want us to be?”

The above comment was originally posted under a Guardian article by user ‘Tintenfische‘.