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Arriva Trains to sell lost children into slavery “to cover costs”

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Arriva Trains is to charge ten per cent on the return of lost children, to prevent them being sold into slavery, according to their updated terms and conditions.

“In order to cover our costs and provide value for money for our shareholders, children who become lost on one of our trains will be sold into slavery on the open market. This is in line with other rail operators, particularly those operating between 1939 and 1945 in Germany, Austria, and a number of German-occupied territories prior to their liberation by violent anti-fascist thugs in 1945.”

“Listening to customer feedback, we have now added a provision that the child’s parents will be able to buy back their child at a price that is ten percent above the market price. This additional ten per cent is to cover costs and protect shareholder dividends.”

“Drunks who fall asleep on an Arriva train and end up at the depot will have a kidney removed and sold before they are released back into society.”

Transport Secretary Chris Grayling praised Arriva trains in no uncertain terms: “The criminal extortion racket known as Arriva Trains is just the kind of innovative business the Government hoped would flourish when we sold off the railways and gave the proceeds to people who were already quite wealthy.”

“To reward its incredible success, the Department of Transport will be giving additional public funds so Arriva can continue to extort money from taxpayers whose poor lifestyle choices mean they cannot afford to commute in a chauffeur driven Bentley.”

“I particularly welcome the diversification of Arriva Trains into the human organ trade, as it coincides with the Government’s measures to liberalise the human organ market, which will soon allow the poor or homeless to resolve temporary cashflow problems by selling a kidney or any other organ.”

However, Grayling suggested Arriva and other train companies still need to do more if they are to meet the Government’s Brexit Solution Homeland Infrastructure Targets (BrexSHIT): “I still have concerns that too many rail operators are still unprepared for the mass transportation of EU nationals, political dissidents and the disabled to G4S holiday camps, where they will temporarily reside while the Cabinet decides how best to put them to work or dispose of them.”

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Katie Hopkins struck off organ donor register as tests reveal she has no heart or brain

Infamous far-right nobody Katie Hopkins has been struck off the organ donor register after routine tests revealed she lacks either a heart or a brain, it has been reported.

Speaking to the Sun, a tearful Hopkins said: “Having gone bankrupt as a result of my own stupidity, all I have left to monetise is my body. But when I tried to sell it on the open market, there were surprisingly few takers, so I decided to mortgage a number of my own organs, including my heart and my brain.”

“You can imagine my horror when the doctors told me that my MRI scans had come back negative for either a heart or a brain. The doctors still can’t explain what causes ‘Heartless Brainless Bitch Syndrome’ or how I have managed to survive without those vital organs, but they are sure I’ve had this rare condition for my entire career as a far-right hate preacher.”

However, the far-right pin-up remains defiant: “I won’t let this set-back affect my career, and I am confident that I can continue to support my family financially through a combination of hate-preaching and agitation for Nazi rule in Britain.”

“I call on Chuka Umunna to call off his alt-centrist Twitter attack dogs, some of whom have cruelly called for me to be lobotomised in the past. Their nasty little memes just look so cruel now that I have been revealed to have no actual brain whatsoever.”

“Forget Jeremy Corbyn, it’s the alt-centrists who are the new Hitlers with their complete absence of ideals and their utter lack of desire to change society. The only way to deliver us from the alt-centrist menace is to vote in a Prime Minister who is so similar to Adolf Hitler that the media can then portray him as the new Nelson Mandela as he or she forces through a Nazi Brexit.”

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Surge in Labour membership shows I am right to abolish democracy and implement national socialism, says May

The latest surge in Labour membership indicates that the people want an end to democracy and a National Socialist government, Theresa May has concluded.

The Prime Minister said: “The Labour Party has seen a recent surge in new members, many of whom want a more socialist Britain. Listening to the British public, I will give them the National Socialist rule they clearly now want.”

“Of course, my subjects don’t yet know they want me to rule them with an iron fist, stamping down on their faces for eternity, but I am clear that they want precisely what I want.”

“And that is why there is no need for the public to vote again on the brilliant Brexit deal we are negotiating. In fact, there is no longer any need for the public to vote on anything ever again, now that the Will Of The People  has been settled for all time.”

“Jeremy Corbyn is socialist but he only represents Islington and Labour Party members. Only I can roll out socialism across the entire country to create the British National Socialist state.”

“National Socialism has been given a bad name by the actions of the National Socialists who ran Germany in the first half the 20th century, but there’s no reason why this system of government cannot be tried again, with a strong and stable leader at the helm.”

“I am very clear that Hitler was a quite bad person who made mistakes, such as exterminating Jews instead of cynically weaponising them against the opposition. But I am the new Nelson Mandela, as I hope the media has now convinced you all, and I will rule for the ordinary people as I promised when I seized power in 2016 without a single vote being cast.”

“What’s another broken promise to a serial liar like me? I break electoral promised more often than George Osborne snorts coke.”

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Corbyn smear must be true if it’s on the news, says moron

The latest media smear against Jeremy Corbyn must be true if it’s on the news, a moron has decided.

Low information voter Chris Bumfield said: “The news exists to inform and educate the public, and is definitely not owned by corrupt billionaires with the sole purpose of fooling us into voting against our own interests. That’s why I believe that if it’s being talked about on the news, then Jeremy Corbyn is definitely anti-Semitic like they keep saying.”

“I don’t pay much attention to things like whether there’s actually any evidence to back up the claim that he’s anti-Semitic, but because the media and people who want Corbyn out have been talking about it for so long, while ignoring widespread incompetence and racism in the Conservative Government, I reckon it’s all definitely true.”

“I mean, people don’t make up smears and then talk about them for ages if the made up smears are not true, do they?”

“Yeah, I used to quite like Jeremy Corbyn’s policy of making the rich pay their taxes so we can have a dignified society for all, with well funded public services and an end to homelessness and poverty. But then some billionaires started saying some bad things about Corbyn, and some moderate Labour politicians who believe in nothing except their own power starting saying the same bad things, which all convinced me that Corbyn is the new Enoch Powell while Theresa May is the British Nelson Mandela.”

“I’m just glad Rupert Murdoch, Laura Kuenssberg and Stephen Kinnock were around to stop me making the terrible mistake of voting for someone like Jeremy Corbyn, whose plans to fund public services and fight poverty would be to the detriment of the cruelly oppressed elite.”

“I see now that the real reason ordinary people’s lives have become so difficult is because we still don’t give enough of our money to people who are already extremely rich.”

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Theresa May “dropped an E” before Africa “rave”

By Jeff Sanchez and Johnny Zenith

Theresa May “dropped an E” before her African “rave” dancing, it has been announced.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “Theresa May is passionate about generating new trade opportunities, and she is pleased to announce a new agreement with several African countries regarding the export of large quantities of high quality pharmaceutical products.”

“In order to demonstrate the very high quality of British Ecstasy to African delegates, the Prime Minister dropped an E and demonstrated a number of advanced British dance moves while under the drug’s influence.”

“The trade delegates were extremely impressed that the drug was able to turn a somebody as boring and wooden as the PM into an uninhibited raver, and several large bags of Ecstasy were ordered from an enterprise connected to Philip May.”

However, insiders have claimed the Prime Minister spent the subsequent 4 hours thinking she had a deep connection to everyone present, only to find out she and nobody else give a shit about each other the next day.

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Theresa May challenges EU leaders to “dance-off” to settle Brexit negotiations

Theresa May has challenged EU leaders to a “dance-off” to settle Brexit negotiation, it has been announced.

Speaking on the BBC, the Prime Minister said: “In recent days I have amazed the world with my incredibly natural and fluid dance moves, and the next step will be to challenge other EU leaders to a dance-off to settle the Brexit negotiations.”

Interviewer Laura Kuenssberg replied: “Prime Minister, not only are you the greatest dancer this proud, Christian nation has ever produced, but you are also the most perfect human being in the history of the world. Britain is truly blessed to have you as its dear leader Would you like to tell any more lies, which will go unchallenged?”

Mrs May added: “Thank you Laura, and yes, as a matter of fact I would like to just add that Jeremy Corbyn is the new Enoch Powell, and is like a pitiful worm compared to a heroic, lifelong anti-Apartheid campaigner like me.”

“I am also very clear that Jeremy Corbyn should immediately be thrown out of parliament, on account of him getting upgraded from ‘laughably unelectable’ to ‘now very electable and dangerous to my own personal wealth’.”

“Oh, but I can’t say I fear Corbyn so I’d better just say it’s because of the ridiculous antisemitism smear we’ve manufactured and weaponised against him.”

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Shock new media claim: Corbyn stood next to someone in 1988

Jeremy Corbyn stood next to someone or something in 1988, according to shocking new claims in the mainstream media today.

An explosive photo showing Jeremy Corbyn standing next to someone in 1988 has been splashed across the front pages of the mainstream media today, and is being heavily featured on the BBC, with Tory MPs and a number of pretend Labour MPs calling for his immediate resignation.

Writing in the Daily Mail, the pretend former Labour supporter Dan Hodges said: “I find it completely scandalous for Jeremy Corbyn to have stood next to someone in 1988.”

“As somebody who frequently pretends to have once supported Labour, I am uniquely placed to call for Corbyn resign and allow someone like Luke Akehurst, who has no interest in helping the poor and vulnerable, to take over the leadership.”

“With a nearly perfect track record of electoral failure, Luke Akehurst is the perfect choice to lead Labour to general election defeat, allowing my beloved Tories to continue to ratchet up the suffering of the poorest and most vulnerable for the personal financial benefit of the wealth creators and high net worth individuals who must be enriched at all costs.”

Staunch Corbyn Critic Margaret Hodge has also weighed in on the Corbyn photo scandal: “I’ve hated Jeremy Corbyn ever since he vanquished me in a debate in 1995, and now we’ve got him on the ropes with these ludicrous antisemitism smears. The amazing thing is that so many people are gullible enough to believe me, someone who covered up massive child abuse as Leader of Islington Council, that a lifelong anti-racism campaigner like Jeremy is actually a racist bigot.”

“Corbyn represents an existential threat to the wealth of high net worth individuals who don’t give a shit about poverty, homelessness or the NHS, and that is why he should immediately resign and hand power over to someone who will abandon hard-left ideas about helping the little people and making the rich pay their taxes again.”

A spokesperson for Jeremy Corbyn told a baying mob of fanatical propagandists, sometimes also known as MSM journalists: “As a Member of Parliament, Jeremy Corbyn often finds himself in the presence of people who may have very different ideals to his, but this doesn’t necessarily mean he accepts or shares their political beliefs.”

The spokesperson added: “In this case it is regrettable for Jeremy Corbyn to have been photographed with a known extremist who recently provided arms for the terror-bombing of children in Yemen, but at the time of the photograph Jeremy had no reason to suspect that Theresa May would go on to be involved in atrocities such as the recent Yemen terror bombings .”

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If only there was some way to know the causes of homelessness, say Tories

If only there was some way to know the causes of homelessness, the Tories have said.

Speaking on the BBC, the Housing Minister said: “Sensing an opportunity to pretend we give a shit, the Government is proud to announce a new plan to eliminate the homeless within 200 years.”

“In its initial phase, the plan is to commission an independent inquiry by a retired establishment figure, who will spend at least five years looking into the causes of homelessness, before concluding that there is no known cause. And if the Israeli government pay us enough, then our report may also conclude that Jeremy Corbyn, or whoever is the Leader of the Opposition at the time, is anti-Semitic.”

James Brokenshire added: “If only there was an easier way to know the causes of homelessness, because getting rid the homeless from the streets of Conservative-voting areas is something I feel passionate about.”

“Until we have fully understood the causes of homelessness, there will be a moratorium on all new housing projects for ten to fifteen years to ensure middle-class baby boomers can continue to enjoy rising property prices, and we will be asking landlords to continue to rip-off ordinary people who have no choice but to rent.”

“Among our proposed solutions to the homelessness problem, at top of our list is to provide all homeless people with a 1:100 scale model of a suburban semi-detached 2 bedroom house, which would allow the Government to remove them from the official statistics of homeless people.”

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Walkers Crisps announce new “Gammon” flavour to appease Brexiters

Walkers Crisps will add a new flavour to their line of potato crisps after coming under pressure from Brexit voters, it has been announced.

Speaking to the BBC, the CEO of Walkers Crisps said: “Walkers Crisps has been the subject of fierce protests on social media due to our links to Gary Lineker. We have listened to the concerns of Brexit voters, and have added an exciting new flavour to our line of crisps.”

“Our new Gammon flavour crisps will allow Brexit voters enjoy our delicious potato crisps without compromising their values of blind nationalism and hatred of anyone who is different or has a different opinion to them.”

“We also feel Brexiters should get exactly what they voted for, and because of this our new Gammon flavour crisps will be priced significantly above our other flavours, to reflect the economic damage that Leave voters have knowngly brought upon British industry and consumers.”

“At £3.50 per bag, Gammon flavour crisps are the ideal accompaniment for the beans on toast dinner that the average Leave voter will eat for the next 20 years while the economy recovers from their preferred ‘Mad Max’ Brexit.”

Based on a meme by Dave Poole.

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Senior Tories complain rail network is unfit to transport large numbers of passengers to death camps

The national rail network is currently unfit to transport large numbers of people to death camps, senior Tories have complained.

One back-bench Conservative MP said: “As our coup against the British people gears up for the introduction of full-blown fascism, it is imperative that national infrastructure is ready to deal with the exciting new business opportunities associated with escalating hatred of foreigners, benefit claimants, and Remainers.”

“An essential component of our plan for a rejuvenated Fatherland, free from the shackles of intellect and compassion, is an efficiently run railway that is capable of transporting large numbers of people to specially built DWP camps where low net worth individuals and their families can be set-free through a lifetime of back-breaking labour.”

“Unfortunately, the gross incompetence of Chris Grayling has left the British rail network in ruins and lacking the capacity to transport commuters into London to work, and clearly unfit to transport large numbers of passengers to death camps.”

“Of course, the DWP will not actually be killing anybody at these camps, and all expected deaths resulting from chronic overwork or starvation will be the fault of Jeremy Corbyn, and will be wholly independent of the patriotic actions of the DWP.”

A number of Labour MPs from the right of the party are said to be supportive of the new camps. A spokesperson for Margaret Hodge told Newscrasher: “When Dame Margaret Hodge asked her Israeli handlers what to say on this matter, they told her to blame Jeremy Corbyn for all antisemitism throughout all of history, including in Nazi Germany.”

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A Satirical Take On The News