Man who scored 48 goals for England vilified for not being racist enough

A retired football hero who scored an incredible 48 goals for England should now be vilified for not being racist enough, the far right have decided.

Leave voter Chris Bumfield from Sunderland said: “I used to think Gary Lineker was a football legend, having scored 48 goals playing for England, including ten goals in the world cup.”

“But I was saddened to learn that unlike mine, his heart isn’t full of hate for foreign children who were forced to flee their homes because of a war that my country helped to start.”

“Lineker should definitely be sacked from Match of the Day and replaced by someone really racist and right wing.”

“Somebody like Katie Hopkins would be perfect for the role. She’d probably begin the programme by claiming that drowning migrants are cockroaches and that the government should use our latest helicopter gunships against the ones who make it to Europe alive.”

The Sun newspaper has launched a campaign for Lineker and all the other BBC employees who do not hate foreigners to be immediately sacked for their unpatriotic thought-crimes.



The Sun launches campaign for BBC to sack everyone who isn’t a heartless bastard

The Sun has launched a new campaign to pressure the BBC into sacking all of its employees who are not utterly heartless bastards, it has been announced.

Sun columnist Katie Hopkins said: “It makes me physically sick to know that our state broadcaster has been infiltrated by a small number of presenters who are not heartless, hard-right bastards like me.”

“It made my blood boil to see Gary Lineker describe foreign children as ‘humans’, instead of calling for them to be tortured to death and then burned in ovens as I would have done.”

“In the name of patriotism and democracy, we are calling for Gary and all other BBC employees who are not heartless bastards to be sacked, in order to satisfy the primitive racist urges of millions of racist bigots who read the Sun and other rabidly right wing tabloids.”

The widely reviled Z-list celebrity added: “I’m living proof that the human body can survive without a brain.”


Just submit to my will and human rights won’t be necessary, Theresa May announces

You will not need any human rights if you submit to me, your new dictatorial overlord, Theresa May has announced.

“For too long the government have tolerated the European concept of human rights, much to the annoyance of people like me who want to be able to do anything I want to you little people.”

“But on June 23rd the people have given me a massive mandate to do anything I want, and this includes the abolition of all human rights and all worker’s rights.”

The Prime Minister continued: “In our brave new world, there will be no need for human rights to protect patriotic and hard-working Britons from their masters in the government, unless they are engaged in criminal activities, which includes socialist thought-crime and the treasonous activity of trying to overthrow a Conservative government via the ballot box.”

“Likewise, all good British born patriots will surely agree that worker’s rights are entirely unnecessary if you are a hard-working, wealth-creater earning £100,000 a year or more.”

Sun reader Jeff Bumfield commented: “I agree with whatever lies the Sun publish today. I read the Sun for the same reason that I eat and drink from the toilet — I love to swallow shit.”


Britons to meekly tolerate another 4 years of this shit

British voters are planning to meekly tolerate another 4 years of falling living standards and all the other shit the Conservative government want to throw at them, it has been decided.

Sun reader and Brexit supporter Chris Bumfield from Plymouth said: “I meekly accepted the economic crash in 2008 and the subsequent age of permanent austerity, and I’m now ready to tolerate another big recession and a massive fall in my standard of living because of Brexit.”

“I’m so glad the Tories and their friends in the press were there to blame it all on evil foreigners. Immigrants come over here with dark intentions, such as learning British knowledge or contributing to the British economy, often doing low paid jobs that need to be done but which Britons refuse.”

“I now eagerly look forward to the extension of austerity, the removal of all my rights and of course the dismantling of the NHS. It is our patriotic duty to tolerate a drop in living standards and cuts to all our public services. Only a traitor would think otherwise.”

“I don’t care if my food and energy bills go up, or if my foreign holidays are now substantially more expensive. We’ve gained so much more, something intangible.”

“We’ve taken back control and regained sovereignty, both of which curiously bypassed parliament and went directly into the hands of our new fascist dictatorship.”


A fascist wants to jail ‘Remoaners’ and Theresa May hasn’t condemned it

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

The British Prime Minister Theresa May has failed to condemn a petition to amend the Treason Felony Act to jail those who support the European Union.

The petition was created by Conservative councillor Christian Holliday from Burpham in Guildford, who is horrified that the majority of people where he lives don’t share his own political views.

Mr Holliday said: “As a right wing extremist, for years I have fought to leave the European Union. At last, thanks to the work of several high profile liars such as Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage, our side tricked the public and won the referendum on the 23rd of June this year.”

“Now that we have won the war, we must get to work on the mopping-up operation to cleanse the country of the pro-EU thought-criminals.”

“Unfortunately, even right here in Guildford 44,155 voted remain and 34,458 voted leave. This is completely unacceptable and needs to be dealt with by the government before I lose my seat. I therefore call on the government to change the law using the Royal prerogative and jail the majority of my friends and neighbours immediately.”

Despite being absolutely mental, Holliday’s call has not been explicitly condemned by Theresa May.

The Prime Minister told Newscrasher: “On the 23rd of June the people of Britain voted to leave the European Union, and that means there is a mandate for jailing those who disagree with the policies of elected Conservatives who hate Europe and foreigners. The people of Britain have decisively voted to jail these rebels immediately.”

“The security services are already snooping on all the electronic communications of the British public, so it should be a relatively simple job to draw up a list of all the subversives who continue to voice support for EU membership on social media.”

“Our new Night and Fog law will be proposed in the next Queen’s speech and will target those who support the European Union, their accomplices, or anyone endangering British migration security.”

Her Britannic Excellency the Dictator continued: “An effective and lasting deterrent can only be achieved by the death penalty or by taking measures which will leave the family and the population uncertain to the fate of the offender.”

“Fortunately, due to my foresight during my time as Britain’s most illustrious Home Secretary, the UK now has some of the world’s toughest anti-terrorism legislation, which will allow for Kafkaesque secret trials in which the accused is kept completely in the dark, both figuratively and literally.”

The petition has been warmly welcomed by uneducated UKIP supporters like Chris Bumfield: “We voted, they lost. They should suck it up and stop moaning, and if people don’t like it they should be jailed for life with no chance of parole. That’s democracy!”

Note: This story is satirical, but not entirely fictional.


Government introduces billboard vans telling Remain voters to ‘shut up’

The Conservative government has introduced billboard vans telling Remain voters to ‘shut up’, it has been announced.

Brexit minister David Davis said: “In difficult times such as this it is crucial that order and social cohesion are maintained, and this is why we are trying to silence people who don’t want the UK to leave the EU.”

“Patriotic Leave voters are sick and tired of all the treasonous fact-mongering coming from Remain voters, many of whom are saying that Brexiters are utter twats for crashing the economy, or that they knew Brexit would be shit.”

The professional liar continued: “Our plan is to roll out two thousand billboard vans with the message: If you are a traitorous Remain voter, SHUT UP. Stop your reasoned arguments and highbrow fact mongering. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life in jail.”

“The vans will also be fitted with a PA system that plays a high pitched tone that induces nausea in those under the age of 40, to ensure the young are made to suffer unnecessarily according to the wishes of Theresa May.”


Why I bully left wing and pro-EU panelists on Question Time, by David Dumbleby

By the BBC’s David Dumbleby

Over the past few months, there have been numerous complaints about the very clear right-wing, pro-Brexit bias that I inject into the BBC’s flagship political debate programme Question Time. It is now time for me to answer my anti-Britain accusers who are antisemitic Trotskyites and who are treasonously trying to overthrow the government via the ballot box.

People have asked me why our studio audience always seems to be packed full of right wingers and Brexit supporters. The answer lies in the fact that the BBC is obliged to ensure a balance between the different parties and views that prevail in the country. The government are widely hated by the public and are deliberately crashing the economy for their own personal advancement, and the BBC has a legal duty to strongly over-emphasize the other side of the debate by inviting hard right or bigoted panelists, and by inviting UKIP and EDL supporters to join the audience.

In addition, I am careful to allow right wingers and bigots to speak uninterrupted, while always interrupting and bullying left winger and those who are interested in improving the lives of ordinary people.

Although Question Time is currently highly biased, over time this bias will be transmitted to the general population and become ‘normal’, so that eventually most of the public will be far-right, neo-liberal fanatics who hate the very idea of the welfare state and socialised healthcare almost as much as they hate foreigners and the poor.

My hope is that in the long term, the ordinary people never actually wake up to the fact that the rich ruling elite are responsible for their fall in living standards, instead of the foreigners and people on benefits that the right currently tell them to blame.

But the challenge for the coming decades of rule by our glorious dictator Theresa May will be to find new scapegoats to wrongly blame once the foreigners have all been deported, and once the poor and sick are all dead.


Hubble discovery paves way for post-Brexit intergalactic free trade, says Liam Fox

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Liam Fox has welcomed the recent discovery by the Hubble Space Telescope of at least 2 trillion galaxies in the Universe, ten times as many as were previously thought to exist.

“It boggles the mind that over 90 percent of the galaxies in the universe have yet to be studied. Who knows what interesting properties we will find when we discover these galaxies with future generations of telescopes?” said Christoper Conselice from the University of Nottingham.

Disgraced former minister of defence Liam Fox hailed the breakthrough as a boon for hard Brexit: “This will hopefully show the doubters to Brexit that there isn’t just a whole world out there but a whole universe, so Britain doesn’t actually need the EU.”

“I predict that by next March we will have contacted at least 90 percent of the governments of all the planets in all the galaxies in the Universe, and will have negotiated an intergalactic free trade area spanning many cubic Gigaparsecs in size.”

“Of course, if the European Union wants to join it’ll have to pay us or face our massive space wonder weapons, which of course we have kept secret up until now. It’s all very exciting.”

Mr. Fox, who is known to be a complete twat, also praised the massive contribution that British science has made to discovering the Universe. “Once again this shows us to be better than everyone else, and now we get to name everything that’s out there in space. Because of this, the government will be introducing the Universe Named After Margaret Thatcher Bill in the next Queen’s speech. I can’t wait to stargaze at the constellation Murdoch.”


Building a massive ship will definitely solve all our Brexit problems, a tw*t has suggested

Building a big ship for the Queen will definitely solve the large number of massive problems facing Brexit Britain, a twat has announced.

Government twat Boris Johnson said: “The British economy is in the shit due to circumstances that are totally unrelated to Britain’s historic vote to leave the EU, and the best way to solve all the problems in Brexit Britain is to build a humongous ship for the Queen.”

“The new Royal Yacht will sail from country to country carrying officials who will beg foreign governments to do trade deals with the UK on terms that are extremely generous to us.”

“Although basically all our neighbours and trading partners have told us to just f*** off until we’re properly out of the EU, we think having a big and expensive ship will definitely make them change their mind.”

The Foreign Secretary added: “I won’t be a gunboat or anything too spiffing, but we still hope the presence of a large ship will persuade Johnny Foreigner to be kind to us and give us loads of free money and stuff, despite the British government and half the voters having basically declared war on all foreign people everywhere.”



BBC to stop covering Brexit because it’s been a ‘great success and now the matter is closed’

The BBC will no longer cover anything related to Brexit because it has been a great success and the matter is now closed, it has been announced.

A spokesman for the BBC said: “There is no truth at all in claims that Theresa May’s government has pressured us to hide the appalling negative impact of Brexit from our viewers.”

“The BBC has full editorial independence, which is why we’ve consistently toed the official Conservative Government’s line, giving David Cameron and now Theresa May an easy ride, and at the same time attacking Labour at every opportunity to give the Tories as much of an advantage as possible.”

“It is true, however, that the BBC has a duty to serve the public interest, and the best way to do this is to help the Tories implement cruel and insane policies that will ruin the lives of millions of people, including children.”

Brexit voter Chris Bumfield said: “Our ideological quest to leave an imaginary evil European empire is going splendidly, with no evidence having emerged to suggest that we are not hugely better off than before.”

“The other day somebody who knows things told me Brexit is going badly and that there’s something called ‘currency’ and it’s having a crisis right now.”

“But I put him straight: there is no currency crisis. In fact, every other currency around the world is suffering from hyperinflation due to Britain becoming so much more competitive and wealthy after our historic vote to leave the EU.”

Mr Bumfield added: “And if there are any negative effects from Brexit, which there definitely aren’t, they would be all the fault of the ‘Remoaners’ who keep talking the country down.”

“These Remoaners need to be quiet and help make Brexit a success, because this is a fascist state now and no dissent can be allowed.”