Category Archives: UK News

Boris Johnson’s spine found washed up on French beach

By Horace McSavage

Spineless Boris Johnson reacted meekly earlier to news that his long lost backbone has been found washed up on a French beach.

Johnson, whose spine had been missing since the EU referendum, hinted that a reunion with his backbone was unlikely before any Tory leadership contest.

“What kind of cowardly opportunist would I be if I were to suddenly find my backbone and take responsibility for my actions?”

Johnson continued “I’ll just wait for a safer time to launch a leadership bid, long after the Brexit negotiations have gone tits up.”

At least for now, the spine will remain detached from it’s lily-livered owner. And while it remains uncertain what the long-term future holds for it, sources close to the spine have hinted that Johnson may never be in possession of a backbone ever again.

The search for Michael Gove’s guts and David Davis’ brain continues.

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Cold and heartless leadership needed in wake of Grenfell, says Theresa May

The country needs cold and heartless leadership in the wake of the Grenfell disaster, the Prime Minister has reiterated.

Asked whether she has a conscience, the Prime Minister moved her head robotically and said: “Well, what we need now is cold and heartless leadership to get us through this really bad tragedy that was nothing to do with Tory policies, and as the most heartless person in the country I believe I am the best person to lead Britain going forward into the Grenfell cover up.”

“I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the emergency services for selflessly accepting the low pay and needless funding cuts that my party has imposed since 2010.”

“But most importantly, I thank the police for withholding the true death toll of this unpleasant episode which happened to some insignificant people who probably wouldn’t vote Conservative anyway.”

“With any luck, the public won’t be paying attention when we reveal that hundreds of people actually perished in the fire, instead of the tens of people that the media and police are helpfully talking about at the moment.”

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Brexiter complains reality has ‘left wing bias’, demands action

A Brexit supporter has complained that reality has too strong a ‘left wing bias’ and is demanding that the government takes urgent action, it has emerged.

Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “It is an absolute outrage that facts and truth refuse to conform to the unreal world view that I have picked up from decades of reading the Daily Mail.”

“Young people are being led astray by facts and exposure to balanced news reporting.”

“What is needed is for the government to attack left wing bias at its source, in the very fabric of reality, with a major crack down on the sharing of unpatriotic information on social media.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister told reporters yesterday: “The Prime Minister understands the concerns of elderly Daily Mail readers who have been tricked into fearing progress and immigration, and we will take robust steps to stop the young from accessing pornography or the dangerous centre-left ideas of Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour.”

“Pornography, socialism and support for the EU are all proven gateways to terrorism, fornication and abortion, and we will take steps to protect the young in the minds of the old by banning those things from Facebook, Twitter and Google Plus.”

“By stopping the free flow of information and opinions on social media which is killing established fake news like the Sun and the Daily Mail, the young and educated will also be made to realise that doing as you’re told in a fascist state is much more important than universal healthcare or the chance to have a decent life in a liberal democracy.”

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IDS praises ‘Big Society’ for Grenfell assistance in absence of state help

Iain Duncan Smith has praised the so-called ‘Big Society’ for stepping in to help Grenfell victims in the complete absence of assistance from the state, it has emerged.

Speaking after his expensive taxpayer funded breakfast, the former Minister for Work and Pensions said: “It is truly heartwarming to see the little people coming to the aid of survivors who made it out of the unfortunate but inevitable fire in Grenfell tower.”

“This is the ‘Big Society’ that David Cameron used to talk about, where the state basically stops looking out for the poorest and most vulnerable, leaving other citizens who take pity and step in.”

“In fact, the public response¬† has been so encouraging that Theresa May is now considering shutting down all forms of state welfare, except of course MP’s expenses and bank bailouts.”

“I applaud the Conservative-led Kensington and Chelsea council for their brave decision to step back and completely ignore the victims, thereby creating the conditions for this exciting new phase in the development of David Cameron’s Big Society.”

“I have already advised the Prime Minister that the next step should be to close down fire, education and health services in poor areas, to provide an impetus for the little people to organise their own services, all while getting the deficit down and living with their means instead of ours.”

Kensington and Chelsea Council leader Nick Paget-Brown chimed in: “We had been warned that a disaster like this could happen, but like many Conservative politicians I just didn’t care very much whether poor people, many of whom would never vote Conservative anyway, live or die in this Borough.”

“Although this tragedy was entirely preventable, there’s simply no evidence that it would not still have happened had we done our jobs properly and renovated the tower paying attention to the safety of the residents, instead of focusing on making the outside look nice for the wealthy residents of Kensington and Chelsea as we evidently did.”

“It’s just a shame this didn’t happen before the election, because the loss of several hundred Labour voters may have helped this marginal seat stay Conservative.”

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I am DETERMINED to drive the country OFF A CLIFF, says Theresa May

Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Theresa May has restated her determination to drive the country off a cliff as part of her government’s plan to press ahead with Brexit, it has been confirmed.

Speaking from behind an impenetrable cordon of riot police, the Prime Minister told journalists: “I am in power and I intend to hang on for long enough to drive the country over the edge of the cliff., according to the will of the people as expressed by the Daily Mail.”

“All those people who want me out of power immediately, who probably constitute a majority of voters and business leaders, should respect the will of the people and let me get on with negotiating a Brexit deal that is in the best interest of me and my party of nutters.”

“Not only am I the best politician in the history of this country, I am also an amazing negotiator and only I can get the right deal for Britain, through my idiot proxy David Davis. Although the talks have only just started, but already we have secured a number of great victories against our imagined European enemy.”

“Our plan for exiting the European Union is like a divorce. We will refuse to co-operate at all with anything, lose the house and the kids, and finally be free of everything that has held us down. We will then live in the bedsit of victory rather than a mansion of defeat.”

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Sprinklers only work in luxurious apartments of the rich, says Chancellor

Sprinklers only work properly when fitted in the luxurious apartments of the rich, Philip Hammond has claimed.

Speaking on the BBC, the chancellor said: “There is no real evidence that sprinklers would have quenched the fire in Grenfell Tower, or that non-flammable cladding would have hindered the rapid spread of the flames.”

“Sprinklers are only known to be effective when installed in luxury apartments where well-off Conservative voters live, but the evidence is unclear as to the effectiveness of such systems in social housing where poorer people live.”

“Likewise, things like highly flammable cladding, faulty wiring or dangerously narrow escape routes are only a safety risk to rich people. However, in the context of council flats where Labour voters sometimes live, it is better to think of those so-called risks as design features instead of safety hazards.”

Former Minister for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, praised the Hammond’s defence of the indefensible, saying: “The Chancellor is correct to talk shit on national television about sprinklers not putting out fires where poor people live, many of whom are on benefits and do not have the luxury of claiming tens of thousands in expenses like I do.”

“There are a number of complex reason why dozens of innocent people died in the Grenfell fire, including poor lifestyle choices and not arriving at the local Jobcente on time.”

“Daily Mail readers can rest assured that in the coming days I will be on the prowl inside the burnt shell of the tower, searching for dead bodies to declare fit for work, and the melted fat from the bodies will make a lovely soap to sell in Fortnum and Mason.”

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Democracy canceled from 2018 onward because Theresa May might lose

Democracy is to be canceled from 2018 onward because there is a good chance the Conservatives will lose, it has been announced.

Surrounded by police officers in riot gear to keep the proles at arms length, the Prime Minister said: “Democracy is merely Parliamentary convention, and as Prime Minister I am under no legal obligation to continue with the archaic formalities of the UK’s inefficient parliamentary system.”

“The people have made it very clear, not only in the Brexit referendum but also in the last two general elections, that they do not wish to see the continuation of parliamentary democracy in Britain. The will of the people must be respected above all else, irrespective of what the enemies of the people may say.”

“Also, if MPs or the people are allowed to vote again, I will probably lose.”

“According to the clear wishes of the people as expressed during the country’s last ever election, Parliament will remain dissolved and I will rule Britain with my strong and stable cabinet of millionaires. Never has a cabinet been assembled with such hatred for the poor and vulnerable.”

“Some of my opponents claim I am conducting a coup by salami slicing our democracy, but I can assure you there is already a strong historical precedent for what I am doing.”

“The Long Parliament of 1640 to 1660 sat for twenty years without a single King’s speech, and I see no legal reason why I cannot do the same now, just without any of the opposition parties.”

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Tories slam Corbyn for ‘politicising’ a disaster their policies created

Tories and their supporters on social media have criticised Jeremy Corbyn for ‘politicising’ the Grenfell Tower disaster that happened as a result of negligent Tory policies, it has emerged.

Former Housing Minister Gavin Barwell said: “I wish people, including Jeremy Corbyn, would stop pointing out that there is an obvious connection between Conservative policy and the disappointing incident that has occurred in Grenfell Tower.”

“People should be left in peace, without assistance from the government, and with their mourning carefully managed by the authorities to ensure nobody gets too angry at the Conservative politicians responsible.”

“What we now need is some time to establish the facts, whether there was indeed a fire as some have suggested in the media, and whether it affected any valuable Conservative voters in this marginal constituency.”

“Meanwhile, our friends at the Sun and the Daily Mail are busy figuring out whether there are any foreign or brown-skinned residents they can scapegoat. Once they’re ready and we have our cover up strategy in place, the risk to national security will be over and the Home Office will then be able to lift its D-Notice.”

The response from far-right extremist group Britain First has been predictable. Paul Golding, the group’s leader, attending the scene to harass Muslims, issued a public statement saying that “a bad thing has happened and I call on Theresa May to institute full Nazism right now, not the half-arsed crypto-fascism she currently favours.”

One Twitter user wrote: “Corbyn has no right to look prime-ministerial by meeting ordinary people from the area, offering his support as they come to terms with the tragedy that has taken place. Why can’t he behave in a more cowardly fashion and avoid any contact with local people, like brave Theresa May did last night.”

 

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Jacob Rees Mogg reaches out to urban youth with twerking workshops

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Hard Brexiter Jacob Rees-Mogg has unveiled plans to reach out to urban youth with twerking workshops and a rap gig, it has been confirmed.

“Under the stage name ‘Notorious J-R Bantz’ I will reach out to young people in ways that Jeremy Corbyn can only dream of, with a series of twerking workshops and a rap gig that will enhance the street credibility of the Conservative party.”

“Some people have questioned my rap credentials, but I was a pioneer of the East London rap scene in the mid 80s in addition to being a prominent member of the Young Conservatives. Some people find it hard to believe I managed to achieve this while also being an amazing student at Eton, but let me assure you I am really that talented.”

For decades my favourite album has been Cop Killa, but I am also a big fan of Miley Ray Cyrus who would definitely vote Tory with a double-barreled name like that.”

Speaking about his upcoming gig at Boxpark in Croydon, an area which was recently lost by the Tories, Bantz said: “All the yoof should come. It’s going to be totally peng, innit”

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Tories launch inquiry into FAILURE of electoral fraud schemes

Senior Conservative figures have launched an urgent inquiry into the failure of electoral fraud schemes in several marginal constituencies, it has emerged.

One Tory insider told Newscrasher: “After the shock discovery of our 2015 electoral fraud scheme, the party formulated a plan involving accidental administrative errors that would help Conservative candidates in marginal constituencies, but with a greater level of plausible deniability than last time.”

“For example, in Plymouth a large number of postal ballots went missing, ostensibly caused by an unlikely sequence of human errors at the city’s Conservative-UKIP council, which benefited the Conservative candidate at the expense of Labour.”

“And then in the final declaration of the results, a strongly Labour voting ward was accidentally left out of the final tally, taking many more votes from Labour than from the Tories.”

Accusations of electoral fraud or incompetence have been leveled at officials in other areas too. In Newcastle-under-Lyme, a large number of students were turned away from voting by officials who had been given an older electoral register, but some returned in the final hours of polling to cast the winning votes for Labour candidate.

A Conservative former minister said:”Fraud is one of several techniques my party uses to compete with parties like Labour or the Liberal Democrats, who actually try to win elections honestly and with proposals to improve the lives or ordinary people.”

“Things like electoral fraud, gerrymandering and tabloid smear campaigns are crucial for maintaining a level playing field against Labour, but the prospect of any of these schemes losing its effectiveness strikes terror into the heart of many in the Conservative party.”

“So it is deeply troubling that some of our electoral fraud schemes failed this time, and an urgent inquiry is now being conducted to find out what went wrong, and how we can make it work in the general election that will be called later this year when the meltdown of Theresa May’s government comes to a head.”

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