The Government has apologised unreservedly for getting caught violating the rights of British citizens, it has been reported.
A spokesperson for Theresa May said: “The Prime Minister is sorry she got caught violating the rights of thousands of British citizens, and she is prepared to make amends by granting all Windrush immigrants the British citizenship they have legally had for decades already.”
“When she had their landing cards destroyed as Home Secretary, the future Prime Minister had no idea that several years later she would decide to illegally imprison and deport Windrush Britons from their own country as part of a drive to please racist Little Englanders.”
“Even though it is clear that she is to blame herself, the PM now calls on Jeremy Corbyn to take full responsibility and resign over this regretable affair.”
The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg commented: “This is yet another colossal fuck up by the Conservatives, but we’re too busy holding the opposition to account to report an issue as trivial as the massive violation of the rights of British citizens.”
I recently had the pleasure of hooking up with critically acclaimed Jazz musician Sean Khan to chat about Moment of Collapse, the first single from his new album Palmares Fantasia, and its connection to current British and World politics.
We meet in a little-known tea house located within Oporto’s arts quarter, and while we wait for our Rooibos tea, I ask Sean what inspired the lyrics of Moment of Collapse.
Sean: “Moment of Collapse is a little connection to what’s happening at the moment with the world going through a political crisis, partly fueled by the uncertainty of Brexit and the uncertainty of what’s going on in the States with Trump.”
“It’s a message that people should try to come together, instead of looking to move away. We’ve been there before in the thirties and it was absolutely disastrous for Humanity. It’s shocking that people just don’t want to look at that and try and learn from that.”
Me: So there’s a strong political message behind this track.
Sean: “I’d say it’s actually more of a humanist message to be honest. Politics basically is just words and theories, but here I’m trying to reach out with a message that’s more spiritual than political.”
“People are worried about their jobs, whether they can get through the year financially, they’re worried about their kids. And then we get these professional provocateurs like Nigel Farage, who come in with the most ridiculous messages about blaming foreigners or taking back control, and people are starting to listen to them again because the global culture has become so dumbed-down. Don’t listen to them, don’t follow these people — that’s a message I wanted to convey with Moment of Collapse.”
We agree that the public generally know there are big problems in modern Britain, but not enough people have worked out that the real cause is not the EU, foreigners, or any of the other scapegoats that the right have pointed the finger at.
Sean: “That’s the great illusion; it was used in the thirties by fascist groups and it’s an age-old rehash of the same nonsense, the economic system is in crisis due to the way it’s run. It’s not really run on purely capitalist lines, it’s run on corporate lines which is very different.”
“Capitalist thinkers often quote Adam Smith, but he wouldn’t recognise what they are doing in his name, exploiting individual talent, doesn’t mean you have to exploit whole groups of people, and then blame everyone else when the system fails.”
Inevitably, I ask Sean what he thinks about Jeremy Corbyn.
Sean: “Frankly, I’m appalled at some of the rubbish that’s been written about him. This whole political class has failed large groups of people, and we’ve got to look closely at what Corbyn is putting forward, whether he’s going to seriously tackle the crises in the NHS, in education and elsewhere. Fundamental societal structures have got to be reinforced in a crisis, not taken away.”
“I’m not a rabid left winger per se, I’m just looking at the faults of the system. I completely agree with allowing the individual to exploit their talents to earn a living, but there also have to be systems in place to help people less fortunate, and if we get rid of those systems society becomes less civil and we all suffer the consequences. This is what Moment of Collapse is all about.”
“In recent years the public have only ever really had a choice between seriously corporate global capitalist leaders or rabid right wingers. It’s a false choice that I don’t want and I doubt most other people want it either. There needs to be a proper alternative that doesn’t involve the complete crushing of the individual that most forms of communism advocate.”
Me: What’s your take on what Noel Gallagher recently said about Corbyn? (“F*** Jeremy Corbyn, he’s a communist”.)
Sean: (laughs) “Did he really say that! I don’t want to insult Noel Gallagher because he’s a tough guy, but pop music by its nature is not very deep music, and the guy’s obviously said something that’s a bit silly and throwaway. When you get celebrities getting involved in politics at a really facile level like this it can be a little embarrassing.”
“I don’t expect Noel is affected by this government’s austerity policies at all, but quite a lot of the people who listen to him will be, and it’s quite sad to think that he may have turned some of his fans away from a Labour leader who, for all his faults, is probably represents the best chance we currently have to fix this broken country.”
“No, I don’t think Corbyn’s a communist, and his left wing ideals are really being overstated by Noel and loads of others. People need to step back and understand what Marxism or communism actually means, and it’s a far cry from what Corbyn is proposing.”
“On the other hand, Theresa May is appalling. She’s self-serving, only interested in staying power, and has no regard for the people she’s meant to be serving. It’s really obvious that she’s got into bed with rabid nationalists just to maintain her power. And when you’ve got even Tory rebels saying hang on, this is the wrong move, it’s obvious there’s something seriously wrong with this picture.”
Palmares Fantasy is available to preview and order here.
Internal party bickering is more important than fighting the Tories, the Blairite faction of the Labour Party has announced.
Writing in the Sun, Labour MP John Mann argued: “Although we have failed several times to overthrow the elected leader of the labour Party, those of us who oppose Jeremy Corbyn owe it to the poorest and most vulnerable to keep on trying.”
“With the local elections fast approaching, and Labour set to do very well this time around, we have decided to launch a renewed smear campaign against Corbyn and the left of the party, with the aim of diverting attention away from the evil shit the Tories are doing to this country, and making the Labour Party look as unattractive as possible to the electorate.”
“With austerity biting hard and ever more children facing poverty and other extreme hardships, now more than ever does our right-leaning faction of the Labour Party need to ally itself with the Tories, to ensure a sinister humanist and moderate left winger like Jeremy Corbyn cannot seize power via the ballot box.”
A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said. “We welcome the renewed smear campaign against Jeremy Corbyn, because it takes the heat off the Government at a very awkward time, with revelations having just emerged about cheating during the Brexit referendum, and my party’s possible use of entities like Cambridge Analytica to win elections.”
“Ordinarly, revelations of this kind would invalidate our mandate to govern or to leave the EU, but because the media’s attention has been turned on Labour and the anti-semitism witch-hunt, it looks like we’ll get away with our blatant electoral fraud yet again.”
Only WE are allowed to kill people on the streets of Britain, the Tories have told Russia.
Speaking at the Conservative Party Conference, Theresa May said: “We will never tolerate a threat to the life of British citizens from Russia. Only this Conservative Government has a legitimate mandate to kill people with impunity on the streets of Britain.”
“The rule of law. Freedom of speech. The toleration of dissenting and minority views. A free press. Fair and democratic elections. A thriving civil society. These are the foundation stones of human freedom, and are all things that I have worked hard to erode during my time in office, first as Home Secretary, and now as Prime Minister.”
Former Minister Iain Duncan Smith said: “We have worked hard to set up our inhumane and punitive system of ever reducing social welfare, which has killed countless thousands of the poorest and most vulnerablem and it is an utter outrage to have Russian agents coming over here and killing people in the streets.
“Only I deserve to bask in the glory of taking the lives of unsuspecting members of the public, through my cruel welfare reforms.”
Senior Tories will lead British troops in the upcoming war with Russia, it has been announced.
Speaking to the Sun, former Tory leader Iain Duncan Smith said: “In an attempt to distract the public from the omnishambles that is Brexit, a jolly good war is going to be necessary, and soon.”
“As a retired military officer who reached the rank of Major Twat, I am well placed to lead our boys into battle in this glorious new war.”
“However, it is important that as much of the glory and medals as possible go to Conservative politicians, and for this reason I have assembled an elite group of hard-line MPs who will parachute in with the first wave to make sure the opening stages of the war go according to plan.”
“Of course, there is no actual plan, but I am confident we will come up with one at some point in time after hostilities begin.”
“Armed with top secret weapons code-named AUSTERITY and UNIVERSAL CREDIT, my crack team of hard-right headbangers will bring death and misery to the poor and the vulnerable in the newly occupied territories of our new Eastern Empire.”
“When not killing the enemy, I will patrol the battlefield issuing cruel sanctions to the wounded, and declaring the dead fit for work.”
A spokesman for the Russian Ministry of Defence commented: “We do not understand why the British government is talking about going to war with Russia. Were the large bribes we paid to various British politicians not high enough?”
Faked imagery of Jeremy Corbyn was done in MS Paint and not Photoshop, the BBC has claimed.
The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “As the state broadcaster, the BBC has a moral and legal obligation to hold the opposition to account, and to defend the elected patriotic government from left-wing attempts to seize power via the ballot box.”
“We have been accused of using Photoshop to create a fake image of Jeremy Corbyn wearing a Bolshevic hat in front of the Kremlin, to create a visual lie suggesting that he is a traitor and a Russian stooge.”
“However, the accusation against us is completely untrue. In actual fact, we used MS Paint to make the fake image, not Photoshop as a number of anti-British traitors have suggested.”
Kuenssberg added: “Because the accusation of photoshopping is untrue, Jeremy Corbyn should now immediately resign and let the Blairites take Labour back to the good old days of waving through Tory austerity.”
“Even if we had used Photoshop instead of MS Paint, Jeremy Corbyn should still have to resign because of his dangerous humanist ideals, such as making the super rich pay tax and making sure the little people get decent healthcare and public services.”
War with Russia ought to distract you from Brexit and Tory misrule, Theresa May has announced.
Speaking in Parliament, the Prime Minister said: “It is becoming increasingly difficult to blame Labour and the Remainers for the clusterfuck that is Brexit, so I think now would be a good moment to start a jolly good war.”
“With any luck a war will unite the country behind my strong and stable rule, and the public will forget that they can not longer afford food or shelter thanks to my deliberate mismanagement of the nation.”
“A war will also provide vital jobs for young people in communities that have been ravaged by Tory policies, giving them a way up and out onto the savage battlefields of the twenty first century.”
“In order to help those who need it the most, the draft will begin in marginal Labour voting areas first, to drastically reduce the number of Labour voters and make sure my patriotic British party stays in power forever.”
Jeremy Corbyn and many others from across the political spectrum have called for restraint, but the Prime Minister has simply brushed all concerns aside, calling them “Marxist mansplaining by enemies of the people, who are not as strong and stable as I am”.
A number of right-leaning Labour MPs have praised Theresa May for the bravery she showed when she pledged to send working class Britons off to fight and die for her own political gain.
One Blairite MP told reporters: “War is great, and I think we need more of it, not just everywhere in the Middle East except Israel, but also in Europe as well if at all possible.”
“And I’m not just saying that because I get paid by Israel to accuse left wing humanists of being anti-semitic when they express concerns about the treatment of Palestinian children at the hands of some members of the Israeli miltary.”
Tories have expressed anger over alleged ‘humanist plants’ in the audience of BBC Question Time, it has been learned.
Conservative councilor Chris Bumfield said: “Many of us have noticed the increasingly sinister presence of normal, humanist people in the audience of Question Time.”
“The people have clearly spoken, and they want the country to be ruled by a gang of sociopaths who are intent on stripping the people of their dignity, their food, and eventually their lives.”
“Something must be done about this, and that is why I will be sneaking into the Question Time audience next week by pretending to be an ordinary member of the public. I urge other small-time Conservative councilors to do the same.”
“I have yet to decide what I’ll ask, but it’ll probably be something about Corbyn being unelectable and how my party is giving more money to the public services than ever before.”
“That’s precisely the kind of bullshit like that should keep the most gullible, Tory-voting members of society in their rightful place at the bottom.”
A Conservative council is to install barbed wire in Royal parks to deter the homeless, it has been announced.
Kensington and Chelsea councillor Chris Bumfield said: “We will be drawing on the military archives held at the Imperial War Museum on how No Man’s Land was fortified in World War One to create an environment that is hostile for the homeless.”
“We know that such military architecture is popular with the public, because the imperial war museum receives tens of billions of visitors a year who idolise our country’s battle against Germany”
“In addition, all homeless people in our area are to fitted with GPS collars that vibrate if they try to lie down anywhere in the borough. Repeated attempts to sleep rough will lead to detonation of an explosive collar, like in the 1987 box office hit The Running Man.”
Jacob Rees Mogg has praised the proposal: “This brilliant initiative will bring us closer to the future envisaged in The Running Man, a film which I have loved ever since I was a child due to its attractive futuristic vision for Britain.”
The council is also considering the installation of minefields, although the bidding process has been hampered by the collapse of Carillion PLC.
The Suffragettes are to be dug up and jailed under new anti protest laws, Theresa May has announced.
“It is 100 years since women were granted the vote, and clearly the best way to honour the Suffragettes is to criminalise their actions with draconian new laws that will finally crush freedom of expression once and for all.”
“Everyone knows that protesting against Conservative MPs was always meant to be a criminal offence, and that’s what the people definitely voted for in the EU referendum.”
“My new laws will close the particular loophole that allows peaceful protest against right wing politicians who embody the sacred will of the people. The will of the people must triumph over trivialities like democracy, human rights, or economic competence.”
“There can be no special treatment for the Suffragettes, who will need to be dug up and jailed like everybody else who violates our tough new anti protest laws.”
“As it happens, new information discovered by the Daily Mail shows that the Suffragettes were in fact violent anarchist Momentum supporters, and we will be asking Jeremy Corbyn to reign them in despite him having no actual connection to them whatsoever.”