Category Archives: UK News

Letting MPs or the public vote would undermine my dictatorship … I mean democracy, says May

The public and Parliament will not be permitted to vote again because it would undermine my dictatorship, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking to Laura Kuenssberg, a Conservative Party spokesperson currently on secondment to the BBC, the Prime Minister said: “A number of known troublemakers in Parliament, allied with potential terrorist sympathisers among the general public, have asked for there to be a meaningful vote on my Brexit deal, or else a new referendum.”

“But because the deal I have reached with the EU is truly in the national interest, I have decreed that there will be no more voting of any kind because that kind of seditious behaviour would undermine my strong and stable dictatorship, err, I mean it would undermine democracy and loads of gammon snowflakes would be triggered.”

“I would also like to point out that our unwritten constitution literally is not worth the paper it is written on, so I can legally ignore all Parliamentary convention and rule as a tyrant if I so wish. Parliament and the public should get over it, they lost, I won.”

“I am clear that my people love me, as was proven by the landslide victory in the 2016 referendum on whether I should become Prime Minister for life, and in my subsequent landslide general election victory. It would surely violate the sacred will of the people were I to stand down at this crucial stage in our war on EU citizens and Brussels.”

Kuenssberg: “How does it feel to be officially the greatest leader in the entire history of this great nation? It must be hard being so amazing, all the time.”

May: “I’m glad you asked me that, Laura, but the real question is whether the British people want strong and stable leadership under my rule, or a coalition of chaos under Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour. I know the public will be very glad they listened to David Cameron back in 2015 and opted for stable, non-chaotic Conservative rule.”

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BREAKING NEWS: Theresa May likely to resign soon over Brexit omnishambles

The Prime Minister’s resignation is imminent, it is now widely believed in political circles.

Despite never having been elected as leader of the Conservative Party and never having won a general election, Theresa May has ruled Britain as an ‘elected dictator’, trampling not only constitutional convention, but also our human rights.

Having presided over the Conservatives’ Brexit omnishambles for more than two years, with no actual progress to show for her Government’s so called negotiations with the EU, she has finally achieved what no previous leader of her party has ever been able to do.

She has united Remain and Leave Tories in near universal rejection of her pitiful Brexit deal, and it is not highly likely that she will be forced to resign as Prime Minister.

Good riddance, we say!

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Jacob Rees Mogg slams May’s EU deal over “lack of unicorns”

Hardline Brexiteers have slammed Theresa May’s deal with the EU over a complete and utter lack of unicorns, it has been announced.

Conservative backbencher Jacob Rees Mogg said: “In the run up to the referendum we promised unicorns and the Government needs to respect the will of the people and give them the unicorns they clearly voted for.”

“It is disappointing to find that the Prime Minister has reached a deal which makes no mention whatsoever of unicorns. Although my nanny hasn’t read it to me yet, so I don’t know all the details, I feel duty bound to respect the sacred will of the people and thus reject it.”

“I also question why the agreement wasn’t written in a more elitist language such as Latin, which upper class twits like me often use to illustrate our supposed superiority over the masses.”

Leave voter Chris Bumfield from Plymouth said: “I disagree with Theresa May’s deal because it uses correct grammar and spelling throughout, and there are no instanced of isolated words being inexplicably written in ALL UPPER CASE. What’s more, the words their, there and they’re are all used correctly, making the whole thing completely unintelligible to people like me.”

“Arrogant Remoaners claim we didn’t know what we voted for, but I am very clear that Brexit means Brexit and we want all the unicorns we were promised during the referendum campaign. Where are my Brexit unicorns?”

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I didn’t realise Britain was an island, says Dominic Raab

I didn’t realise Britain was an island, Dominic Raab has admitted.

During a speech about Britain’s future outside the EU, the Brexit Secretary said: “The question of how we will be able to import food and medicines after we leave the EUSSR is way more complicated than I thought when I mindlessly decided leaving would be a good idea, and since being appointed Brexit Secretary I’ve had to do countless minutes of research into subjects like basic geography.”

“Some of what I have learnt has seriously blown my mind. For example, not a lot of people know that we live on an island, but after reading a Wikipedia entry I can confirm right now that Great Britain really is thought to be an island according to the best experts we have.”

“It is also separated from France by a narrow stretch of water, which is too deep to wade through, and some experts suggest it is usually impassable to lorries carrying food and other vital supplies, although our negotiating team aims to overturn this as we continue to flesh out a deal with the EU.”

 

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Grenfell effigy hate crime not interesting because perpetrators are Tories, says BBC

The Grenfell effigy hate crime is no longer interesting because the perpetrators are now known to be Tories, the BBC has decided.

The BBC’s Nick Robinson tweeted: “The burning of an effigy of Grenfell was bad and everything, but now we’ve realized some of the perpetrators are Conservatives, we have to drop this inconvenient story as it’s no longer in the national interest.”

“And by national interest, we mean what’s in the interest of the Conservative Party and rich elites who want to maintain or increase the terrible inequality and suffering that characterizes Tory Britain.”

“Now if you don’t mind, I have to get back to talking up claims of antisemitism in Labour, while completely ignoring widespread racism and bigotry in the ruling Conservative Party.”

“Because nothing is more in the national interest than holding the opposition to account and thwarting their dastardly scheme to seize power via the ballot box.”

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Experts to be banned because magic unicorns will soon make anything possible in Brexit Britain

Experts are to be banned because magic unicorns will make anything possible in Brexit Britain, it has been announced.

Speaking to a baying mob of Leave voters, Jacob Rees Mogg said: “We know what we voted for when we voted Leave, and the Government should just get on with it and give us our magic unicorns.”

“But sinister experts and Remoaners are trying to stop us getting the precious magic unicorns we now know we voted for, and only by banning all experts will the 17 million who voted for Brexit be able to stand tall in a collective display of erect priapism and copulate with the magic unicorns we were promised.”

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“As our sacred texts have long foretold, only the reproductive seed of the truly patriotic can fertilize the eggs of freedom and sovereignty that lay within the magicae unicornis brexitus. The European Union would have given us our unicorns and we’d all be balls-deep already, had it not been for those pesky Remoaner experts who keep undermining our negotiations with things like facts and reason.”

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Schools to teach history using Second World War comics

Changes to the state school curriculum mean that history will now be taught using Second World War comics such as Commando, the Government has announced.

A spokesperson for the Department of Education said: “For far to long, school children have been brainwashed by leftist history teachers into becoming compassionate, socially aware members of society who vote against inequality and fascism. The EU referendum result clearly showed that there is a groundswell of support for ruining the lives of all young people, and the indoctrination of school children to become proud British patriots, much like the older and wiser generations who, although born after the war ended, have bravely fought the EUSSR menace from the the 1950s to the present day.”

“With immediate effect, and backed by Jacob Rees Mogg and the ERG, the Prime Minister has decreed that all state schools must immediately shred their current history textbooks and replace them with the full back catalogue of Commando comics, which will now be the only source to be read in history lessons in the United Kingdom.”

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“The Prime Minister is very clear that the country needs to pull together under her strong and stable rule, and she calls on all teachers and members of the public to embrace her xenophobic re-imagining of British history as basically just what happened between 1939 and 1945.”

“The fact that Philip May recently acquired shares in the publisher of Commando comics, which are expected to return a substantial profit, is entirely coincidental and any further questions surround Mr May’s business activities would not be in the national interest.”

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“Balance” means giving suspected criminals and fascists a platform to lie, says BBC

Suspected criminals and blatant fascists must be given a platform to lie to the public because of “balance” rules, the BBC has announced.

The announcement comes as suspected criminal and far right activist Arron Banks is set to appear on The Andrew Marr show.

Defending the decision on Twitter, the right wing BBC host Andrew Marr wrote: “As the state broadcaster, the BBC has strict rules handed down from the Conservative Party which means that if it is unavoidable that some uncomfortable facts come out, then we need to balance those facts by letting someone from the far right spout lies unchallenged on live TV.”

“For example, the failed businessman Arron Banks is being investigated for crimes related to the source of his large donation to the Leave campaign. But because revelations about his alleged criminal activity means the validity of the referendum vote is now highly questionable, our balance rules kick in and he must be allowed to tell his side of the story, which is basically just a pack of lies.”

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“We also have to consider the will of the people, which is and always will be what the Conservative Government say it is, so Brexit is the only true path and all other options are unpatriotic and antisemitic.”

“Under the same rules, we are also obliged to hold the opposition to account over their treasonous attempts to seize power via the ballot box. And that’s why we’ll need to spend the whole of next week talking about claims of Labour antisemitism, to take the heat off our strong and stable dear Leader who’s in the shit for blocking criminal investigations in criminal activity by Brexiters.”

Leave voter Chris Bumfield tweeted: “Arron Banks should be given a knighthood for leading us to national salvation, so I utterly reject the really strong evidence for him being a treasonous criminal and lying twat. I don’t care if Brexit was basically a huge con which will ruin all our lives, as long as injustices like Polish workers receiving Child Tax Credits while working in Britain are ended.”

And who cares if the young won’t be able to go and study or work abroad? They can easily get a job picking fruit or wiping elderly people’s bums as a result of the exodus of EU workers, so the young should really be thanking us for the exciting job opportunities we ave created for them.”

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Little boats to pick up food and medicine from beaches in France after Brexit, according to Government plan

Little boats will be requisitioned by the government to pick up vital supplies of food and medicine from beaches in France, the Government has announced.

Speaking to reporters, a jubilant Chris Grayling said: “I have been a minister for some years now, and thanks to my incredible incompetence I have fucked up literally everything I have ever been tasked with.”

“I’m like a reverse King Midas, because everything I touch turns to shit. And this is why the public should trust me to organize the bringing in of vital supplies of food and medicines once our self-imposed blockade begins next year.”

“The last time Britain was truly great was when we nearly lost the war and had to scramble to ferry British troops back from France, as shown in the recent Dunkirk film that ignored the important contributions made by our European allies and commonwealth forces.”

“We are pleased to announce that the Government is putting in place a plan to requisition a large number of small boats from marinas all along the South coast, to form a flotilla of little boats that will go in and pick up food and medicines from French beaches.”

Brexit supporter Chris Bumfield from Sunderland said: “We’ve gone from being told we’ll all be much better off when we leave the EU to having to requisition small boats to shuttle basic supplies across the channel to avoid mass starvation and tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths due to lack of medicines, but I still think we should leave because I definitely remember voting for Britain to become a kind of dystopian nightmare.”

“The Government should just get on with wrecking the economy and every single public service, even if it means living in Mad Max 3 but without the ending where they escape Barter Town and find somewhere nice to live.”

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Theresa May pledges to secure Brexit deal that works best for her political survival

I will secure a Brexit deal that works best for my political survival, Theresa May has pledged today.

Speaking to Andrew Marr, the Prime Minister said: “I am very clear that I am working tirelessly to reach a Brexit deal that will allow me to stay in power, with all the financial benefits this entails for me and my husband who is very rich.”

“I am optimistic that a deal will soon be reached between the different factions of the Conservative Party, which will allow the UK to leave the EU in a hard Brexit while still retaining our full membership of the EU and having Norway and Canada Plus Plus arrangements at the same time.”

“David Cameron called the referendum to heal divisions in the Conservative Party, and I now urge my Tory colleagues to come together in harmony to fight for our common purpose, stamping down on the most vulnerable in society, instead of fighting each other.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg immediately took to Twitter to praise the Prime Minister’s approach to Brexit in a series of tweets: “Brilliant words from our caring and benevolent Dear Leader today. It’s clear the people love her and want her to stay on as PM for life.”

Kuenssberg’s tweet was followed up by “Conservatives now well ahead in polls thanks to genius May’s string of victories over the EUSSR. Violent momentum conspiracy theorists claim  media bias is real cause, but my research shows it’s because Corbyn is a sick vampire antichrist.”

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