All posts by Jeff

Born in El Salvador to British and French parents, I moved back to the UK as a teenager, where I now live and work.

Joy for Leavers as failing UK economy no longer chained to superior EU economies

Proponents of Brexit are expressing relief that the failing British economy will no longer be chained to superior EU economies, it has been confirmed.

Professor Chris Bumfield of the Brexit Science Institute said: “I am overjoyed at the prospect of unshackling our failing economy from the European Union and the various EU economies that now significantly outperform ours.”

“Finally, Britain can get back to being the sick man of Europe with falling wages and life expectancies, and rising homelessness and poverty. Remain campaigners warned this would happen, so this is precisely what we voted for.”

“I think I speak for all Leave voters when I say this, but the destruction of the UK economy, and ruining or ending millions of lives, is definitely the will of the people as expressed at the ballot box in the EU referendum.”

“But every cloud has a silver lining, and wealthy spivs like Richard Branson and John Redwood are poised to exploit the disaster of Brexit for their own personal financial gain. This, I believe, is what the 52 per cent clearly and unequivocally voted for.”

Leave campaigner and Tory leadership hopeful Jacob Rees Mogg said: “Leaving the EU without a deal spells disaster for the United Kingdom of Great Britain and its glorious, imaginary empire.”

“A hard Brexit will almost certainly plunge the working and middle classes into poverty, forcing families out of their homes and onto the streets to freeze or starve to death. However, this will give them the opportunity to develop innovative new jobs and technologies that will allow them, including children of all ages, to compete against slave labour in China.”

“But most importantly of all, the economic chaos of a hard Brexit will provide exciting new opportunities for high net worth individuals like me to profit from the suffering of ordinary families who did not have the foresight to be born rich, or to hide their money in an offshore tax haven.”

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Stop presenting rational arguments against Brexit, demand Leavers

Leave voters from around Britain have asked Remainers to please stop presenting rational arguments against Brexit, it has been reported.

Leave voter Max Scheisser said: “It would be nice if my Remainer relatives would stop trying to change my mind on Brexit using rational arguments, because I’ve already given every possible indication that I am entirely immune to intelligent reasoning.”

“Most Remainers are just not thick enough to construct the type of emotional, anti-logical arguments that would get through to a Daily Express reading simpleton like me.”

“We need arguments like ‘let’s leave the EU to stop immigration from countries that are not even in the EU and never will be’, or ‘vote leave to make the country richer by making everyone poorer.'”

“Of course, if somebody comes at me shouting obviously made-up numbers, or with a transparent lie written on the side of a bus, then maybe they’d have my attention. But the inability of Remoaners to concoct surreal fantasies about getting the empire back just leaves me cold.”

“Now if you would please excuse me, I have to go and be inexplicably rational and logical in every other aspect of my life, except for the issue of membership of the European Union.”

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Aesthetic preference for blue passport justifies tanking the economy, says Brexiter

An aesthetic preference for blue passports definitely justifies tanking the economy, a Brexiter has suggested.

Chris Bumfield, a UKIP councilor in Plymouth said: “The worst thing about being in the EU is the red passport, and that is why I voted to leave. My aesthetic preference for blue passports definitely justifies destroying the economy and ruining the lives of millions of Britons.”

“As somebody who doesn’t listen to experts, I’m in the dark about all the economic and political arguments. But what I do know is the fall-out from leaving the EU should only affect people for whom I have an unfounded dislike, such as ethnic minorities, foreigners, and the young.”

“Like many Brexit fantasists, I predict there will be a civil war in Britain if the hardest possible Brexit is not delivered immediately.”

“Naturally, I am not volunteering to be on the front line in this conflict, but there are plenty of pampered young people in Britain from whom my generation has yet to strip one final thing – their lives.”

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Food bank users could eat insects instead, claims Michael Gove

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Food bank users could eat insects instead, Michael Gove has claimed.

The Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs said:”With the cost of food rising in line with the will of people, more and more families are failing to manage their finances properly and are having to rely on food banks. Clearly, we need to rethink how ordinary families eat.”

“Eating insects is an environmentally friendly and financially responsible alternative to real food. If snails are good enough for the French, then why aren’t insects good enough for the feckless British?”

“Together with social injustice warrior Iain Duncan Smith, I have written to the Prime Minister today to call for the creation of a national network of insect banks, which will allow private investors to profit from the destitution of the poorest and most vulnerable in our brave new society.”

“Administration of the new insect banks will be outsourced to G4S, who will use benefit claimants to harvest and package the most nourishing insects, from post-Brexit fields of rotten, unpicked vegetables.”

Retired Conservative voter Chris Bumfield said: “As someone who is retired and financially comfortable, I welcome the idea of degrading and privatising public services that I no longer rely on myself.”

“I voted for Brexit, but only on the understanding that other people would pay for it with their money, tears and in some cases blood.”

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I have no shame and will NEVER resign, says Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson has will definitely not resign because he has no shame, it has been confirmed today.

The Foreign Secretary said:”My own political ambitions are far more important than trifling matters like whether a British citizen will languish in a foreign jail due to my incompetence as Foreign Secretary.”

“Incompetence and gross misconduct are no longer resigning matters, and why should I resign when I was so obviously born to rule.”

“I clearly have the full support of the British public, who voted for me to be Prime Minister when they chose to leave the European Union in last year’s landslide referendum result.”

“I will make Britain great again and reclaim our glorious empire, free from the shackles of human rights and democratic accountability.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “Boris Johnson and Michael Gove are two of the most despicable and incompetent ministers in the history of this country.”

“However, the Prime Minister is currently unable to sack either of these two clowns because they have the support of powerful people, and somehow there are also members of the public who view them positively.”

“The Prime Minister has been very clear that she will continue to take orders from Johnson and Gove, who are are holding her to ransom over their joint hard-on for a hard Brexit.”

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Sex toy purchase was actually just research about continental sexual practices, claims Tory minister

A Conservative minister who was caught sending his female assistant to buy toys from a sex shop was merely conducting research into continental sexual practices, it has been announced.

Speaking outside his family home alongside his wife, International Trade minister Mark Garnier told reporters: “I’m not going to deny it, because I’m not going to be dishonest.”

“I did send my secretary to the sex shop to buy vibrators, but only as part of an international research project to study the sexual practices of continental Europeans.”

“As a Conservative politician I am among the most honest and trustworthy people in the country. I would not lie about something like this.”

“I would never have used these devices myself, as I only like to shag in the missionary position while fantasizing about the glory of Brexit.”

The Prime Minister added: “I am relieved that Mark Garnier has now cleared up the unfortunate misunderstanding about his entirely innocent recent purchase of sex toys, and his entirely harmless erotic banter with his female secretary.”

“I would also like to thank the BBC for downplaying this scandal in the national interest, while continuing to hold Labour MPs to account for much less offensive remarks made a long time before they entered politics.”

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Isn’t it time we had laws to prosecute politicians for the suffering they cause?

Each new year in politics seems to bring a new low in terms of how our elected representatives conduct themselves. Whenever a new minister is appointed, it appears their only goal is to out-do the shameless lying and corruption that their predecessors got away with.

There’s often a grey area between incompetence, ignorance, and negligence when politicians introduce a new policy, but sometimes things can be rather clear cut.

For instance, it is right that parents whose child dies from neglect can be prosecuted. And so it should also be right to prosecute somebody like Iain Duncan Smith, whose benefit sanctions regime has led to many unnecessary and foreseeable deaths (e.g., from starvation or illness) after people had their benefits stopped for no good reason.

Some may argue that the government do not always know beforehand the full consequences of implementing a new policy. That may be true of some policies, but it is a virtual certainty that Iain Duncan Smith knew: (a) people would have the benefits they rely on to feed and house themselves cut off; (b) with no money, they would be unable to buy food; (c) with no food, the would face starvation; (d) the end result of starvation is death. So when IDS got the DWP to implement his regime of benefit sanctions, he surely must have known that there were likely to be deaths as a direct result.

There are many other examples of ministerial conduct that ought to have landed the minister in court. The case of Amber Rudd’s deportation of Samim Bigzad is a very recent example of a minister ignoring a court order which even stated that Rudd is in contempt of court. However, despite being in contempt of court she cannot be jailed or fined personally, instead the home office is even though the minister herself is the one who is in contempt.

The end result is the taxpayer is hit with the bill, whilst the person who actually broke the law isn’t punished at all. The censure of the courts is not career ending now as it was even a decade ago, and is of no consequence whatsoever to people like Rudd who do not care about the censure of the court.

Amazingly, as the law currently stands ministers effectively have legal immunity. In most countries, if the government decided to ignore the courts it would trigger a constitutional crisis. But in Tory Britain it evokes at best a shrug.

We need to stop giving politicians a free pass to behave in ways that would be deemed criminal if done by an ordinary citizen or corporation. We urgently need new laws that would allow politicians to be tried and punished for their actions in public office. Until that happens, there’ll be little incentive for people like Iain Duncan Smith to behave themselves and actually serve the public interest.

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Tory Johnny Mercer concerned he might lose votes over Universal Credit

A Tory MP is quite concerned that Universal Credit might cost him some votes in the next election, it has been reported.

Plymouth MP Johnny Mercer said: “I’ve known about Universal Credit for ages and did nothing to oppose it, but I’m quite concerned about it now because this is a marginal seat and I’m worried about losing my small majority in the next election.”

“I want people to take notice that even though I’m voicing concerns about Universal Credit, I will not be supporting Labour’s attempt to pause the introduction of the new benefit, because I am a firm believer that the poor are inferior beings who deserve to be punished.”

“However, they should still definitely vote Conservative, because only I can provide strong and stable leadership for Plymouth.”

“I will be raising concerns about my possible loss of votes with the Prime Minister. That said, the relatively well-off constituents whom I truly represent may rest assured that the punishment of the poor and vulnerable will continue until their morale improves.”

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Brexiter fantasizing about civil war somehow thinks the young will do the fighting

A Brexiter has been having fantasies about a civil war if hard Brexit is not delivered, and somehow thinks that young people will do the fighting on his behalf.

Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “What the pampered younger generations need is more unnecessary hardship, such as being made to fight in a war they do not support.”

“If the hard Brexit that I voted for is not delivered soon, then there will be massive riots across Britain, and possibly even a civil war. Of course, as a pensioner I’m not really up to rioting, let alone fighting a war. But that’s why we have young people, isn’t it, to do the dirtywork of armchair patriots like me.”

“A good war will do a world of good for pampered young people, with their extortionate housing costs and no chance of getting on the property ladder, let alone being able to retire before the age of 90.”

“Not like us older generations who’ve enjoyed disproportionately high levels of public spending our entire lives, and who are now pulling the ladder up behind us.”

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Theresa May vows to make Britain a ‘hostile environment’ for anyone not rich

Theresa May will address inequality by making Britain a ‘hostile environment’ for anyone who is not rich, it has been reported.

Speaking during an intimate interview with the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, the Prime Minister said: “I now acknowledge that inequality is a growing problem for my government, because despite our weak claims to the contrary, rising inequality is hard proof that we are governing for the few, not the many.”

“And that is why I intend to make this country a hostile environment for anyone who is not rich. We will end inequality once and for all, simply by getting rid of the poor.”

“By crashing the economy, as we Tories so often do, we will induce millions of young or less well off people to emigrate to other countries, preferably to majority white commonwealth countries rather than European ones, leaving behind high net worth individuals and baby-boomers who usually vote Conservative.”

“Any low net worth Britons who refuse to emigrate will be dealt with according to Iain Duncan Smith’s blueprint for hounding the vulnerable to an early grave. If bullying and starvation doesn’t get them, then our merciless cuts to the NHS surely will.”

Idiot Tory voter Chris Bumfield told Newscrasher: “I know nothing about economics, but the false analogies peddled by the Conservatives about household budgets and living within our means have convinced me that my children’s lives should be utterly ruined by needless austerity and cuts, because of a global recession that Labour are said to have caused.”

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