Starvation of poor children could boost education results, say Tories

School children from less well off families could perform better in exams if they are forced into starvation, the Tories have suggested.

Former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith said: “My own personal research shows that plunging vulnerable people into poverty and starvation often motivates them to work or study harder, in order to get out of the hole we have dug for them.”

“And that is why we need to ensure that children from the poorest families, many of whom are unlikely to vote Conservative, are denied access to food on school days.”

Accomplished academic Duncan Smith added: “The fact that Jeremy Corbyn believes the government should provide free school meals just shows how unelectable and out of touch he is with the real issues in people’s lives.”

“If he spent more time on real issues like securing the most destructive Brexit possible, starting a pointless war with Spain or bringing back blue passports, the lives of the ordinary people would improve significantly.”

Speaking out about the idea of free school meals, Conservative voter Chris Bumfield said: “I work hard for my money and it’s all mine, so why should I have to contribute towards other people’s children?”

“If their own parents can’t be bothered to earn enough to pay for everything they need, including education and healthcare, then fuck them.”

“And it’s not like children are the workforce of tomorrow, whose tax and national insurance contributions will eventually pay for my pension and healthcare in my old age.”

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