By Dorothy Hotdog
A Conservative council is to install barbed wire in Royal parks to deter the homeless, it has been announced.
Kensington and Chelsea councillor Chris Bumfield said: “We will be drawing on the military archives held at the Imperial War Museum on how No Man’s Land was fortified in World War One to create an environment that is hostile for the homeless.”
“We know that such military architecture is popular with the public, because the imperial war museum receives tens of billions of visitors a year who idolise our country’s battle against Germany”
“In addition, all homeless people in our area are to fitted with GPS collars that vibrate if they try to lie down anywhere in the borough. Repeated attempts to sleep rough will lead to detonation of an explosive collar, like in the 1987 box office hit The Running Man.”
Jacob Rees Mogg has praised the proposal: “This brilliant initiative will bring us closer to the future envisaged in The Running Man, a film which I have loved ever since I was a child due to its attractive futuristic vision for Britain.”
The council is also considering the installation of minefields, although the bidding process has been hampered by the collapse of Carillion PLC.
The Suffragettes are to be dug up and jailed under new anti protest laws, Theresa May has announced.
“It is 100 years since women were granted the vote, and clearly the best way to honour the Suffragettes is to criminalise their actions with draconian new laws that will finally crush freedom of expression once and for all.”
“Everyone knows that protesting against Conservative MPs was always meant to be a criminal offence, and that’s what the people definitely voted for in the EU referendum.”
“My new laws will close the particular loophole that allows peaceful protest against right wing politicians who embody the sacred will of the people. The will of the people must triumph over trivialities like democracy, human rights, or economic competence.”
“There can be no special treatment for the Suffragettes, who will need to be dug up and jailed like everybody else who violates our tough new anti protest laws.”
“As it happens, new information discovered by the Daily Mail shows that the Suffragettes were in fact violent anarchist Momentum supporters, and we will be asking Jeremy Corbyn to reign them in despite him having no actual connection to them whatsoever.”
The Conservatives have launched a new social media campaign with the intention of attracting young people who use social media, it has been reported.
A spokesman for the ‘Hate not Hope’ campaign said: “Young people often display shockingly high levels of compassion towards others, including foreigners and the disabled, due to a social media bubble that gives them a worryingly broader and more truthful picture of politics and world events.”
“If the Conservative Party is to survive, Britain’s decline into humanism and civilised behaviour must be urgently reversed. And that is why today, we are proud to launch our ‘Hate not Hope’ social media campaign.”
“We have literally hundreds of engaging tweets and memes ready and waiting to infect the minds of the young, to turn them into raving Tory bastards.”
“Our first tweet will give a list of ten reasons why it’s cool to hate foreigners and the disabled.”
“And if that one doesn’t work, our seven reasons why socialists are hypocrites if they own their own home surely will.”
People between the ages of 16 and 18 simply do not have the maturity to understand the true benefits of having a fascist government, Theresa May has explained.
Speaking during her visit to China, the Prime Minister said: “The recent suggestion to allow 16 and 17 year olds to vote in national elections and referenda is misguided, and does not take into account the fact that young people are too immature to understand the benefits of fascism.”
“They are also not mature enough to uncritically accept right wing propaganda from low quality newspapers like the Sun, instead turning to social media to find out what’s really going on in the world. I wish they would see the light and just let hatred of others determine the way they vote.”
“The very fact that young people are more likely to support Jeremy Corbyn, and their preference for unaffordable things like properly funded public services just shows how unrealistic they are.”
“Young people need to understand that the future does not belong to them, it belongs to me and I shall ruin the future exactly how I please, especially if it benefits older or wealthier people who support my Party.”
So-called ‘fake news’ was never a problem back in the old days when only we did it, the Conservatives have announced.
The Prime Minister said: “Fake news has been around for centuries, and my party has used it with great effectiveness to fool the public into electing us against their own self interests.”
“However, we have recently begun to lose control of the narrative, largely because the public now have a greater choice over where to obtain their information, and also because people have become sick and tired of blatant lies peddled on our behalf by the traditional news media.”
“This loss of control represents a major issue of national security, primarily because it makes it more likely that the public will vote for a left wing government that will run the country for the many, rather than for the rich elite who are fund Brexit and the Conservative Party.”
“By national security, I mean the financial security of the rich elite and the preservation of their divine right to enjoy the fruits of other people’s labour, while maintaining the little people in ever deepening poverty.”
“My husband works for a hedge fund and we are quite wealthy, but if Labour get in he’ll have to pay a bit more in tax and that will impact on my ability to spend a grand on a pair of leather trousers, or buy designer dresses that make me look like a novelty cushion.”
“The only way to respect the will of the people and make Britain great again is to prevent the public from having free access to information on social media, and return to the good old days when the Sun and Daily Mail were the accepted as having privileged access to the truth, and when the public were not too enlightened to listen to the right-wing ravings of those shit rags.”
By Johnny Zenith and Jeff Sanchez
The Bayeux Tapestry should be burned because it depicts people who are disabled and foreign, Ester McVey has demanded.
The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said: “As the minister in charge of hounded the disabled, I am deeply concerned about the proposed loan of the Bayeux Tapestry to Brexit Britain, because it will send out absolutely the wrong signals to the public concerning disabled and foreign people.”
“Worryingly, the tapestry depicts foreigners coming over here and stealing British jobs and engaging in health tourism. Even worse, it also depicts disabled people in an insufficiently negative light.”
“I believe the Bayeux Tapestry should be burned immediately on its arrival in England, primarily to avoid the national shame of acknowledging the important role foreign immigrants have made to this country over the millennia, but also to send out the right message about our thinly veiled disdain for the most vulnerable members of society.”
However, Liam Fox has come out in strong support of not burning the Tapestry: “Brexit Britain is struggling to secure any trade deals with major economies, largely because Remainers are talking this country down. But when they time comes to return the Bayeux Tapestry to the French, I will be able to claim that exports have soared beyond all expectations and declare Brexit an incredible success.”
Scientists have discovered first known example of a Leave voter who can spell and construct sentences without using all capitals, it has been reported.
Professor Chris Bumfield, who heads the Brexit Science Institute at the University of Life, said: “Leave voters have gained a bad reputation online, due in part to their poor spelling and excessive use of capital letters.”
“When the Department for Exiting the European awarded us funding to search for intelligent life among Leave voters, we immediately set about trawling the internet in search of these mythical people.”
“After hundreds of hours of painstaking searching, we are proud to announce the discovery of a single Leave voter who can spell and make judicious use of capital letters.”
But the discovery is not without caveats, as Professor Bumfield explains: “However, even if Leave voters use correct spelling and avoid capitalising every fucking word, the substance of what they write is nevertheless completely free from rational thought, and thus makes no sense whatsoever.”
Commenting on the groundbreaking discovery, Brexit Minister David Davis said: “You don’t have to be very intelligent to support leaving the EU, and I know I’m not intelligent by any meaning of the word, but this anecdotal evidence proves once and for all that intelligence and voting Leave are not mutually exclusive.”
Satirical show Spitting Image will return to BBC this spring, but will focus exclusively on Jeremy Corbyn being ‘unelectable’, the state broadcaster has confirmed.
Tweeting on Twitter, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “We thought it was about time to bring back Spitting Image, but this time around the show will not shy away from the most pressing political questions of the day.”
“Instead of satirising boring things like Tory incompetence or the demented behaviour of the Prime Minister, Spitting Image will altogether avoid any kind of criticism of the Conservatives and will instead focus on Jeremy Corbyn and why I say he is unelectable.”
“Keeping Jeremy Corbyn out of power is in the public interest of the will of the people as embodied by our supreme leader Theresa May, whose divine right to rule cannot and must not be challenged, ever.”
“Corbyn will be shown as a vampire antichrist who is trying to overthrow the legitimate far right government using the ballot box, even going as far as to try to purge Tory MPs from their rightful seats by winning more votes in a general election.”
“Theresa May, however, will be shown as a saintly figure who works tirelessly to make sure the poor and the needy are well provided for, despite unpatriotic opposition from the Labour Party, who ruthlessly defy her iron will and cause the collapse of the NHS by talking the country down.”
People are somehow surprised to learn that Tories are into eugenics, it has been found.
Undecided voter Chris Bumfield said: “I am genuinely surprised to learn that an extreme right-wing party that hates foreigners and the disabled also contains people who support eugenics.”
“Toby Young went to a secret conference on eugenics, but he says he sat at the back and didn’t participate so that makes it all OK, apparently.”
“There’s also Ben Bradley who suggested that unemployed people should have vasectomies to prevent their genes being passed down to future generations.”
“That’s some appallingly Nazi shit right there, and presumably Theresa May knew about it all when she appointed them to their new positions.”
“However, I still might vote Tory at the next election because apparently Labour are just as bad, according to what right wing propagandists says I should think in my brain.”
“I mean, on the one hand you’ve got a right wing party of lying Tories who secretly want to dismantle all public services and force millions of working families into poverty and an early grave, versus a party of left-wing humanists who want to provide well-funded public services and investment in education and infrastructure. It’s such a hard choice because they’re all the same aren’t they.”
“In the end I’ll probably still vote Tory because Theresa May is a woman and that makes her progressive, and I have taken a vague dislike of Jeremy Corbyn due to all the dishonest smears he has been subjected to in the right wing press.”
“Another major reason I will probably vote Tory is that I’m a selfish, heartless cunt.”
The Tories plan to lie about everything, all the time, it has been announced.
A spokesperson for the Tories said: “The Conservative Party is currently at an unfair disadvantage because the public generally think we’re total bastards who want to ruin their lives, and possibly even starve them to death.”
“Today I am proud to announce our innovative new plan to deal with this injustice, which involves simply lying about everything, all the time.”
“With the help of the right-wing media and the state broadcasting corporation, our lies will be uncritically passed on to the public, many of whom will be gullible enough to vote us into power again.”
“For instance, when people start to notice the NHS is crumbling because we’ve starved it of funding, we can simply repeat the lie about there being a winter crisis every year. We can also lie about putting record levels of funding into the NHS, and if we feel like doing a bit of gaslighting, we can also claim Jeremy Corbyn and Labour are to blame for everything.”
When asked why they don’t come up with some proper policies, the Tory spokesman said: “When your main goal is to get into power and grab as much cash as you can for yourself and your wealthy donors, lying your way through elections is pretty much the only option.”
“People often ask us why we never come up with innovative ideas to solve the numerous problems Britain is currently facing, despite having been educated at the most expensive public schools.”
“But the thing is, we created many of these so called problems on purpose. Things like poverty and underfunded pubic services are beneficial to the high net worth individuals our party represents.”