Tag Archives: satire

Letting MPs or the public vote would undermine my dictatorship … I mean democracy, says May

The public and Parliament will not be permitted to vote again because it would undermine my dictatorship, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking to Laura Kuenssberg, a Conservative Party spokesperson currently on secondment to the BBC, the Prime Minister said: “A number of known troublemakers in Parliament, allied with potential terrorist sympathisers among the general public, have asked for there to be a meaningful vote on my Brexit deal, or else a new referendum.”

“But because the deal I have reached with the EU is truly in the national interest, I have decreed that there will be no more voting of any kind because that kind of seditious behaviour would undermine my strong and stable dictatorship, err, I mean it would undermine democracy and loads of gammon snowflakes would be triggered.”

“I would also like to point out that our unwritten constitution literally is not worth the paper it is written on, so I can legally ignore all Parliamentary convention and rule as a tyrant if I so wish. Parliament and the public should get over it, they lost, I won.”

“I am clear that my people love me, as was proven by the landslide victory in the 2016 referendum on whether I should become Prime Minister for life, and in my subsequent landslide general election victory. It would surely violate the sacred will of the people were I to stand down at this crucial stage in our war on EU citizens and Brussels.”

Kuenssberg: “How does it feel to be officially the greatest leader in the entire history of this great nation? It must be hard being so amazing, all the time.”

May: “I’m glad you asked me that, Laura, but the real question is whether the British people want strong and stable leadership under my rule, or a coalition of chaos under Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour. I know the public will be very glad they listened to David Cameron back in 2015 and opted for stable, non-chaotic Conservative rule.”

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Jacob Rees Mogg slams May’s EU deal over “lack of unicorns”

Hardline Brexiteers have slammed Theresa May’s deal with the EU over a complete and utter lack of unicorns, it has been announced.

Conservative backbencher Jacob Rees Mogg said: “In the run up to the referendum we promised unicorns and the Government needs to respect the will of the people and give them the unicorns they clearly voted for.”

“It is disappointing to find that the Prime Minister has reached a deal which makes no mention whatsoever of unicorns. Although my nanny hasn’t read it to me yet, so I don’t know all the details, I feel duty bound to respect the sacred will of the people and thus reject it.”

“I also question why the agreement wasn’t written in a more elitist language such as Latin, which upper class twits like me often use to illustrate our supposed superiority over the masses.”

Leave voter Chris Bumfield from Plymouth said: “I disagree with Theresa May’s deal because it uses correct grammar and spelling throughout, and there are no instanced of isolated words being inexplicably written in ALL UPPER CASE. What’s more, the words their, there and they’re are all used correctly, making the whole thing completely unintelligible to people like me.”

“Arrogant Remoaners claim we didn’t know what we voted for, but I am very clear that Brexit means Brexit and we want all the unicorns we were promised during the referendum campaign. Where are my Brexit unicorns?”

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I didn’t realise Britain was an island, says Dominic Raab

I didn’t realise Britain was an island, Dominic Raab has admitted.

During a speech about Britain’s future outside the EU, the Brexit Secretary said: “The question of how we will be able to import food and medicines after we leave the EUSSR is way more complicated than I thought when I mindlessly decided leaving would be a good idea, and since being appointed Brexit Secretary I’ve had to do countless minutes of research into subjects like basic geography.”

“Some of what I have learnt has seriously blown my mind. For example, not a lot of people know that we live on an island, but after reading a Wikipedia entry I can confirm right now that Great Britain really is thought to be an island according to the best experts we have.”

“It is also separated from France by a narrow stretch of water, which is too deep to wade through, and some experts suggest it is usually impassable to lorries carrying food and other vital supplies, although our negotiating team aims to overturn this as we continue to flesh out a deal with the EU.”

 

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Grenfell effigy hate crime not interesting because perpetrators are Tories, says BBC

The Grenfell effigy hate crime is no longer interesting because the perpetrators are now known to be Tories, the BBC has decided.

The BBC’s Nick Robinson tweeted: “The burning of an effigy of Grenfell was bad and everything, but now we’ve realized some of the perpetrators are Conservatives, we have to drop this inconvenient story as it’s no longer in the national interest.”

“And by national interest, we mean what’s in the interest of the Conservative Party and rich elites who want to maintain or increase the terrible inequality and suffering that characterizes Tory Britain.”

“Now if you don’t mind, I have to get back to talking up claims of antisemitism in Labour, while completely ignoring widespread racism and bigotry in the ruling Conservative Party.”

“Because nothing is more in the national interest than holding the opposition to account and thwarting their dastardly scheme to seize power via the ballot box.”

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“Balance” means giving suspected criminals and fascists a platform to lie, says BBC

Suspected criminals and blatant fascists must be given a platform to lie to the public because of “balance” rules, the BBC has announced.

The announcement comes as suspected criminal and far right activist Arron Banks is set to appear on The Andrew Marr show.

Defending the decision on Twitter, the right wing BBC host Andrew Marr wrote: “As the state broadcaster, the BBC has strict rules handed down from the Conservative Party which means that if it is unavoidable that some uncomfortable facts come out, then we need to balance those facts by letting someone from the far right spout lies unchallenged on live TV.”

“For example, the failed businessman Arron Banks is being investigated for crimes related to the source of his large donation to the Leave campaign. But because revelations about his alleged criminal activity means the validity of the referendum vote is now highly questionable, our balance rules kick in and he must be allowed to tell his side of the story, which is basically just a pack of lies.”

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“We also have to consider the will of the people, which is and always will be what the Conservative Government say it is, so Brexit is the only true path and all other options are unpatriotic and antisemitic.”

“Under the same rules, we are also obliged to hold the opposition to account over their treasonous attempts to seize power via the ballot box. And that’s why we’ll need to spend the whole of next week talking about claims of Labour antisemitism, to take the heat off our strong and stable dear Leader who’s in the shit for blocking criminal investigations in criminal activity by Brexiters.”

Leave voter Chris Bumfield tweeted: “Arron Banks should be given a knighthood for leading us to national salvation, so I utterly reject the really strong evidence for him being a treasonous criminal and lying twat. I don’t care if Brexit was basically a huge con which will ruin all our lives, as long as injustices like Polish workers receiving Child Tax Credits while working in Britain are ended.”

And who cares if the young won’t be able to go and study or work abroad? They can easily get a job picking fruit or wiping elderly people’s bums as a result of the exodus of EU workers, so the young should really be thanking us for the exciting job opportunities we ave created for them.”

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Little boats to pick up food and medicine from beaches in France after Brexit, according to Government plan

Little boats will be requisitioned by the government to pick up vital supplies of food and medicine from beaches in France, the Government has announced.

Speaking to reporters, a jubilant Chris Grayling said: “I have been a minister for some years now, and thanks to my incredible incompetence I have fucked up literally everything I have ever been tasked with.”

“I’m like a reverse King Midas, because everything I touch turns to shit. And this is why the public should trust me to organize the bringing in of vital supplies of food and medicines once our self-imposed blockade begins next year.”

“The last time Britain was truly great was when we nearly lost the war and had to scramble to ferry British troops back from France, as shown in the recent Dunkirk film that ignored the important contributions made by our European allies and commonwealth forces.”

“We are pleased to announce that the Government is putting in place a plan to requisition a large number of small boats from marinas all along the South coast, to form a flotilla of little boats that will go in and pick up food and medicines from French beaches.”

Brexit supporter Chris Bumfield from Sunderland said: “We’ve gone from being told we’ll all be much better off when we leave the EU to having to requisition small boats to shuttle basic supplies across the channel to avoid mass starvation and tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths due to lack of medicines, but I still think we should leave because I definitely remember voting for Britain to become a kind of dystopian nightmare.”

“The Government should just get on with wrecking the economy and every single public service, even if it means living in Mad Max 3 but without the ending where they escape Barter Town and find somewhere nice to live.”

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Theresa May pledges to secure Brexit deal that works best for her political survival

I will secure a Brexit deal that works best for my political survival, Theresa May has pledged today.

Speaking to Andrew Marr, the Prime Minister said: “I am very clear that I am working tirelessly to reach a Brexit deal that will allow me to stay in power, with all the financial benefits this entails for me and my husband who is very rich.”

“I am optimistic that a deal will soon be reached between the different factions of the Conservative Party, which will allow the UK to leave the EU in a hard Brexit while still retaining our full membership of the EU and having Norway and Canada Plus Plus arrangements at the same time.”

“David Cameron called the referendum to heal divisions in the Conservative Party, and I now urge my Tory colleagues to come together in harmony to fight for our common purpose, stamping down on the most vulnerable in society, instead of fighting each other.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg immediately took to Twitter to praise the Prime Minister’s approach to Brexit in a series of tweets: “Brilliant words from our caring and benevolent Dear Leader today. It’s clear the people love her and want her to stay on as PM for life.”

Kuenssberg’s tweet was followed up by “Conservatives now well ahead in polls thanks to genius May’s string of victories over the EUSSR. Violent momentum conspiracy theorists claim  media bias is real cause, but my research shows it’s because Corbyn is a sick vampire antichrist.”

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Not letting the people vote me out of power is in the national interest, says May

It is in the national interest to suspend democracy for a while, to prevent the people from stopping Brexit or voting me out of power, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking to journalists on a flight to the United States, the Prime Minister said: “I am on my way to lick the boots of President Trump, and I have better things to do than contemplate trivial matters like whether the public want to be ruled by a far-right authoritarian, or whether we should crash the economy and leave the little people to starve to death in the aftermath.”

“It is simply not in the national interest to let the public have a say at this point, because there’s a chance they might boot me out of power and stop Brexit.”

“I am clear that the public chose this strong and stable government to rule over them after a fair and democratic election, and it is despicable that some antisemites and terrorist sympathisers are now agitating to overthrow the Will of the People via the ballot box.”

“However, I am willing to allow an election in 2022, by which time we’ll be out of the EU with no deal, the NHS will have been sold off to American corporations, and hundreds of thousands of low net worth individuals will have died as a result of Universal Credit.”

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The EU must respect our lies, leading Brexiters insist

The European Union must respect the lies we told to secure the Leave vote, leading Brexiters have insisted today.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one high profile Brexiter said: “It’s all very well for European leaders to expose us a blatant liars, but the people have spoken and the EU must now respect our lies. We have every right to demand unearned respect for our insane proposals.”

“The will of the people is clear, and what they want is to have all the benefits of being in the EU, and to also have all of the benefits of being outside the EU as well. Now the EU are legally obliged to deliver on the dishonest promises I made.”

“Although the Pound is in free fall and the economy is stagnating, there are still plenty of benefits to leaving the EU ahead of us. The main benefit I foresee is that the gap between the richest and the poorest will grow exponentially, rewarding high net worth individuals for the hard work that they or their ancestors did to rob the poor of what little wealth they had.”

“Rich tax dodgers will also reap the benefits of avoiding the EU’s new rules on tax avoidance. This is likely to fuel a boom in rich people buying a second Ferrari and renovating the basements of their spacious town houses. The trickle down effect of this will surely be felt by Ferrari dealers and tax accountants across the home counties.”

“As originally promised, the NHS will benefit immeasurably when we leave the EU, when American healthcare companies will be invited to come asset strip our hospitals, providing huge efficiency savings for the taxpayer. Our leaner, meaner and more profitable healthcare system will also offer much more choice than at present. For instance, poor people are always telling me they want the NHS to be starved of funding so that the rich can have lower taxes, thereby stimulating creation of jobs that can help poor people pay for private health cover.”

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Arriva Trains to sell lost children into slavery “to cover costs”

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Arriva Trains is to charge ten per cent on the return of lost children, to prevent them being sold into slavery, according to their updated terms and conditions.

“In order to cover our costs and provide value for money for our shareholders, children who become lost on one of our trains will be sold into slavery on the open market. This is in line with other rail operators, particularly those operating between 1939 and 1945 in Germany, Austria, and a number of German-occupied territories prior to their liberation by violent anti-fascist thugs in 1945.”

“Listening to customer feedback, we have now added a provision that the child’s parents will be able to buy back their child at a price that is ten percent above the market price. This additional ten per cent is to cover costs and protect shareholder dividends.”

“Drunks who fall asleep on an Arriva train and end up at the depot will have a kidney removed and sold before they are released back into society.”

Transport Secretary Chris Grayling praised Arriva trains in no uncertain terms: “The criminal extortion racket known as Arriva Trains is just the kind of innovative business the Government hoped would flourish when we sold off the railways and gave the proceeds to people who were already quite wealthy.”

“To reward its incredible success, the Department of Transport will be giving additional public funds so Arriva can continue to extort money from taxpayers whose poor lifestyle choices mean they cannot afford to commute in a chauffeur driven Bentley.”

“I particularly welcome the diversification of Arriva Trains into the human organ trade, as it coincides with the Government’s measures to liberalise the human organ market, which will soon allow the poor or homeless to resolve temporary cashflow problems by selling a kidney or any other organ.”

However, Grayling suggested Arriva and other train companies still need to do more if they are to meet the Government’s Brexit Solution Homeland Infrastructure Targets (BrexSHIT): “I still have concerns that too many rail operators are still unprepared for the mass transportation of EU nationals, political dissidents and the disabled to G4S holiday camps, where they will temporarily reside while the Cabinet decides how best to put them to work or dispose of them.”

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