Tag Archives: satire

Five areas in England to pilot exclusion of young and poor voters

Voters in five areas in England will be asked to take identification to polling stations at local elections next year as part of a pilot scheme to preferentially exclude demographic groups who are unlikely to vote Conservative.

People in Woking, Gosport, Bromley, Watford and Slough will be asked to take different forms of ID with them to see which does the best job of excluding the young and the poor.

The Electoral Commission recommended three years ago that voters be asked to prove their identity after Conservatives expressed growing fears about losing power.

Minister Chris Skidmark said the aim was to ensure the system was “secure from people with socialist ideals”.

Reports of “personation” in polling stations – votes cast in someone else’s name – increased from 21 in 2014 to 44 in 2016, and are a convenient excuse to crack down on voters who would never dream of ever voting Tory.

Mr Skidmark said the current situation meant it was harder to take out a library book or collect a parcel than it was to get the young, poor or disabled to vote for a Conservative candidate.

He told the Newscrasher: “We currently have a situation where people can go into the ballot station, point out their name on the register, don’t need to provide any information to prove that they intend to vote Conservative.”

He said it was corrosive to democracy if people did not believe  Conservative, Pro-Brexit rule was secure from sabotage from anti-British socialists.

“At the moment we simply don’t know if people are impersonating one another or not. We just need to make sure that the system is secure enough.”

For some years, voters in Northern Ireland have had to prove their identity at polling stations.

But Tom Brake, for the Liberal Democrats, described the latest proposals as “a completely unnecessary move that risks undermining our democracy by preventing millions of people from voting”.

“My party royally shafted the young during its time in coalition with David Cameron, but we’re now asking people to trust us once more because the days of Libdems betraying their voters to get ministerial positions are well and truly behind us.”

“Evidence from around the world tells us forcing voters to bring ID won’t stop determined fraudsters, but is likely to led to even lower turnouts amongst young people and minority groups.”


Tories hail berry export boom as Leave voters sign up for cherry-picking in record numbers

By Jeff Sanchez and Johnny Zenith

The Government has announced an unexpected boom in the export of berries from British farms, thanks to record numbers of Leave voters signing up for cherry-picking jobs.

David Davis said: “The Brexit debate revealed that Britain has a vast untapped reservoir of expertise in the area of cherry-picking, with around 52 per cent of adults rejecting all facts that are inconsistent with their prejudices about foreigners and the European Union.”

“After discovering their cherry-picking abilities many Leave voters have now signed up for jobs on cherry farms, and this is causing a boom in the export of cherries and cherry-flavoured jams.”

The announcement comes after Government figures revealed an export boom in circular reasoning.

Speaking to Newscrasher, Leave voter Chris Bumfield from Taunton said: “At long last something positive has come out of Brexit, and we no longer have to resort to lies and fake news.”

“But I for one will still definitely keep reading fake news published by the Daily Mail or the Sun, because that’s the only way for me to maintain my faith that Brexit is making the country a better place for older, bigoted people like me.”



Cyclists are dangerous say people whose preferred mode of transport kills or injures 200,000 people a year

Cyclists are a menace, according to people whose preferred mode of transport kills or injures 200,000 people each year, it has been reported.

Middle aged motorist Chris Bumfield said: “Nearly 2000 people were killed in road accidents involving motor vehicles last year, but I definitely think cyclists are way more dangerous than car drivers because of one recent high profile case where a cyclist accidentally collided with a pedestrian.”

“The right wing media were absolutely right to use a tragic accident like this to stir up animosity towards cyclists, because Sun-reading bigots like me enjoy having these feelings of hatred towards minority groups, and some people prefer to channel their hatred onto scapegoats that aren’t racial.”

“All cyclists should definitely be banned and forced to pay road tax, especially those who slow me down when I’m late for work, or when I just want to drive and text at the same.”

Sun editor Tony Gallagher said: “Our fake news paper has always campaigned in favour of right wing prejudices, and we are pleased to announce the start of a new anti-cycling campaign in the Sun.”

“I can reveal tomorrow’s front page will feature an exclusive story blaming cyclists for every type of cancer and linking them with increased rates of cardiovascular disease in middle aged drivers who hate cyclists.”

“By discouraging the public from using this inexpensive, healthy mode of transport, we aim to convert people of all ages into fat, middle-aged motorists who hate everyone except other fat, middle aged motorists.”


Britain to become leading exporter of circular reasoning, boasts David Davis

By Jeff Sanchez ad Johnny Zenith

Britain will become a world-beating exporter of circular reasoning, the Brexit Secretary has boasted.

Speaking out after a series of embarrassing failures, David Davis said: “British businesses must do more to embrace the great opportunities presented by the senseless destruction of our economy by Brexit.”

“We had a non-binding referendum which we won based on a pack of lies, and now business leaders must respect the will of the gullible and help us go through with this unnecessary and avoidable economic suicide.”

“Even though all of our companies will go bust or else relocate to the European mainland, Britain can still become a world-beating exporter of the finest circular reasoning, along with jams, biscuits and flip flops.”

“In fact, when companies move their head-quarters and jobs out of the UK as a direct result of Brexit, this is a kind of export boom and Remainers should be doing more to acknowledge this success.”



New ‘Hitlrr’ dating app will let nazis to swipe right or far-right

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

A new dating app for Nazis will allow users to swipe right or far-right, it has been announced.

A press release issued by far-right tech startup Xenotech said: “Nazis are spectacularly unsuccessful with women, not because they are racist thugs who fantasize about creating a white ethno-state , but because of a left wing bias which causes women to swipe left when they see photos of Aryan supermen.”

“Xenotech is pleased to announce creation of our ‘Hitrr’ app, an innovative safe space for Nazis who want to meet a partner with similarly bigoted views, while avoiding the embarrassment of accidentally going on a date with somebody who thinks socialised healthcare is a good idea.”

“It is important for white supremacists can exercise their freedom of speech and rights to meet other members of the master race, without being triggered by left wing snowflakes.”

“The Hitlrr app will allow users to swipe right when a potential match is not considered attractive, or far-right when presented with an promising candidate to help him or her rebuild the master-race.”


Referendum was actually about implementing fascism, claims Brexiter

The EU referendum was actually about whether Britain should become a fascist state, a Brexiter has claimed.

Leave voter Christopher Bumfield said: “Even though it was never mentioned during the campaign, everybody knew that the referendum was about whether we should turn the country into a fascist state. Things like the NHS or leaving the EUSSR were quite obviously just secondary concerns.”

“I’ve researched it and found that fascism is the only way to fix all my imagined problems, including the need to take back the sovereignty that we already had, the need to control immigration which the government can already do if it wants, and the extremely urgent need to buy bananas of the correct, patriotic British shape.”

“We need strong leadership from an authoritarian leader who has scant regard for human rights, let alone the NHS or the levels of child poverty. A great British female Hitler like Theresa May is the only way we will crush the saboteurs and the enemies of the people.”

“Democracy means that after a non-binding referendum in which the Leave side lies their tits off, the people can never be allowed to change their minds.”

“The Remoaners lost and we won, although I do not yet know what we won.”


Rupert Murdoch blames real news for decline of his fake news empire

The growing availability of real news is to blame for the falling readership of fake news outlets like the Sun, Rupert Murdoch has claimed.

Dripping pure poison into the ear of a Newscrasher reporter, Murdoch said: “For decades I got away with spreading fake news through the Sun, the News of the World and, to a lesser extent, the Times and Sunday Times.”

“But in recent years social media has allowed people to be more picky about the kind of news and comment they consume, and many people are unfairly choosing honest journalism by media operations that are not owned by utter cunts like me.”

“News Corp made a loss of over 800 million Dollars for the 2017 financial year, for which I blame the large number of social media users who refuse to swallow the sick lies we publish, and who instead choose to get their news from one of the many independent news media websites that have the audacity to publish real news and to hold the Tories to account.”

“Despite the huge losses, I’ll still keep the Sun and my other shit rags in operation because of the political influence the give me, which I use to ruin the lives of ordinary people for my own personal financial gain. The Sun has always been a hard-right propaganda operation that tries to keep the working classes divided and hateful of foreigners and people on benefits, and against left wing policies that would improve their lives.”

“It gives me the biggest raging hard-on to I think I can put the Tories into power, who’ll then utterly destroy the lives of tens of millions of people, especially children and the disabled, and also kill tens of thousands of people by stopping their benefits.”


Michael Gove announces ‘passionate support’ for staying in EU after watching Dunkirk

Former Brexiter Michael Gove has become a ‘passionate Remainer’ after watching Dunkirk on IMAX cinema, he has announced.

Speaking at a press conference: “When I saw our brave lads standing together with fighting men of France, working towards a common goal for the greater good of all, I shed a tear because it was then that I realised how wrong I have been to advocate leaving the EU.”

“When we got to the bit when Farrier turned his Spitfire back to make one final attack on the nationalist bomber, despite being almost out of fuel, I turned to my wife and asked her why Brexit Britain cannot now turn back at this late stage, and do the right thing for its people and the people of Europe?”

“I thought of our child, sitting abandoned and alone in our hotel room late that night, and wondered what kind of dystopian future Brexit would bring his generation.”

“I understand now that nationalism has never brought peace or prosperity to Europe, only suffering and war. And even though my paymaster Rupert Murdoch stands to gain financially from Brexit, which will make Britain richer through the trickle down effect, the dangerous rise of nationalism in Britain is too high a price to pay.”


Theresa May promises to cap energy prices as soon as British Gas say it’s OK

Theresa May has promised to help struggling families by capping energy prices once they’ve gone up by another 30 per cent, it has been announced.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister told reporters: “Theresa May is busy on holiday at the moment, illegally running through fields of wheat, but she asked me to issue an important statement to pretend she cares about the little people.”

“The Prime Minister is deeply concerned that many struggling families still have some money left over at the end each the month, and this is harming the economy by unfairly denying profits to the hard working shareholders of large energy companies such as British Gas.”

“Therefore, the Prime Minister has decided to honour her non-binding pledge to cap energy prices, by letting them rise by at least 30 per cent before applying the cap.”

“The Dear Leader now commands that all assembled stand for today’s patriotic Two Minutes of Hate against the treacherous enemy of the people and saboteur Jeremy Corbyn.”

A statement from British Gas, released on Tuesday morning, reads: “It is criminal that hard-pressed families are selfishly hurting the profits of energy companies, by economising and reducing their energy bills to ensure they can afford to eat.”

“Low income families have made a lifestyle choice to not be born rich, and as such it is our moral duty to snatch as much money as possible from them, regardless of whether it means children or elderly people starving or freezing to death this winter.”

“This is entirely justified by the fact that the people voted Conservative at the last election, giving spivs like us a clear mandate to continue ripping-off the poorest and most vulnerable people in society, for the benefit of those who are wealthy and do not need any more money.”


Young Conservatives to get new uniform fit for Brexit Britain

The Young Conservatives are to get a new uniform fit for Brexit Britain, it has been announced.

Speaking to the BBC, Iain Duncan Smith said: “The Scouts have an official uniform, Britain First have an official uniform, so it is only right that the youth wing of the Conservative Party also has a uniform.”

“The Hitler Youth had a really spiffing uniform and was very successful at mobilising young people in the righteous and Christian cause of hatred, so that is what we’ve modeled our new uniform on.”

The former Minister for Manslaughter continued: “By relaunching Young Conservatives as an exciting militaristic organisation, we hope to teach young people to embrace greed and hate the poor, the disabled and foreigners.”

“As Conservatives, it is important that we continue to promote Tory values. Like the Scouts, our members will be awarded badges for successfully completing Conservative activities, such as hounding disabled benefit claimants to death, successfully getting away with white collar crimes like as expense fraud, or laying waste to the entire British economy for personal financial gain.”

“Our camping trips will teach important survival skills, especially how to convince a gullible public that we Tories are the party of the working class, or how blame immigration for your own policy failures.”

“Sleeping in our two-man tents, will also allow older, married members of the Conservative Party to form lifelong relationships with unsuspecting young people.”