Allowing patients to access medicinal cannabis would be far worse than simply letting children die, the Prime Minister has announced.
Speaking at a dinner party with city bankers, Theresa May warned: “There is a word that I cannot bear to hear uttered in my presence. That word is cannabis, the name of the most dangerous and addictive drug known to science.”
“This terrifying drug is a thousand times more addictive than cocaine, the expensive recreational drug that many members of my own party regularly use when cavorting with prostitutes. Even worse, cannabis is inexpensive enough to be available to people from all walks of life, including groups my party hates, such as immigrants, non-whites, and the working class.”
“Some people in the anti-British media have asked why I lied to Billy Caldwell’s mum about getting her son the treatment he needed to stay alive. It’s because my Christian faith tells me that it is better for people to simply be left to die than to receive medicinal cannabis or evil socialist healthcare from the NHS. This applies to children as well as to adults, both of whom can be guilty of poor lifestyle choices such as being born into a family that is not wealthy enough to go private.”
After taking a sip of human blood from the gilded chalice she clutched with her bony, grasping fingers, the Prime Minister added: “The media should stop challenging my government for all the nasty shit we are doing, and should instead focus on holding the opposition to account, like the BBC does so well these days under Laura Kuenssberg.”
Companies are leaving the UK en masse because they are so confident in Brexit Britain, Iain Duncan Smith has claimed.
Speaking on the BBC, the former Minister for Manslaughter said: “No companies are leaving the UK, not a single one, and those that are leaving are doing so because they are extremely confident in Brexit Britain.”
“They are merely taking my advice and seeking out new opportunities in other parts of the world, in ways that they never would have done before our proud country threw off the shackes and protections of the EU.”
“You can trust me on this, and as you know I’ve never been wrong about anything. I am the visionary who came up with Universal Credit, and it was me who coined the phrase ‘work sets you free’ shortly after I visited a concentration camp in the EU.”
“People often come up to me and thank me for ruining their life, but they also ask me to tell them how Brexit can benefit them personally. The answer is simple: anyone can set up an offshore trust and use it to avoid paying any UK tax, thereby saving themselves thousands of pounds a year and making Britain a country we can truly be proud of.”
An invisible magic door would solve the Northern Ireland border issue, the Brexit Secretary has claimed.
Writing in the Sun, David Davis said: “Northern Ireland could be in and out of the EU at the same time, but if that idea is rejected by the EU then I propose we invent an invisible magic door to solve the Irish border problem.”
“In recent years Britain has become a world leader in magical thinking, and we could bring in the best minds to work out the exact details of how our invisible magical door would work.”
“The door would be large enough to allow articulated lorries to pass through, automatically scanning their freight load and applying import duties, but obviously would prevent immigrants and criminals from entering,”
Iain Duncan Smith has reportedly asked whether the magic door could have an iron sign above it showing the words “work sets you free”, and for the road leading through the buffer zone to be lined with crucified benefit claimants.
The former Minister For Manslaughter said: “This initiative represents an excellent opportunity to hound the poor and vulnerable, in a way that will appeal to sick right wingers who vote Conservative.”
John Bercow has come under fire after saying that someone who is actually stupid is stupid, it has been reported.
The Speaker of the House of Commons is alleged to have called Andrea Leadsom a “stupid woman” and “fucking useless”, both of which are demonstrably true.
Cabinet member Leadsom has made a number of visionary proposals, such as getting young people to take up fruit picking jobs, and making tea, biscuits and jam central to British trade plans after Brexit.
Speaking to the Sun, Leadsom said: “I am outraged that the Speaker, who is not a Brexiter and regularly thwarts the will of the people, has outed me as a stupid woman who is fucking useless.”
“I should have been allowed to come out as stupid and fucking useless in my own time, when I felt the time was right, not in the midst of a Parliamentary debate where we were trying to turn Britain into a fascist dictatorship.”
“I mean, I have a lot of respect for John but he needs to understand that the people voted for whatever it is morons like me decide to do with the Brexit mandate, even if it means turning Britain into a post-apocalyptic wasteland.”
The public should vote for our lies again, the Conservatives have announced.
As the public heads to the polls, the Prime Minister made a last-minute attempt to swing the vote back to the Conservatives: “We have nothing to offer except lies, racism and the annihilation of the NHS. Please vote for us today and give us another opportunity renege on all our promises.”
“The patriotic will of the people was made clear in the EU referendum and in the most recent general election, and I call on the voting public to now vote accordingly. This means voting for the a Conservative Party that has been infiltrated and shifted to the far-right by UKIP.”
“Because the people love me, I predict we will win all wards with at least 100 per cent of the popular vote. In the event that Labour do well, my allies in the media and the PLP stand ready to say that any result for Labour, however good, is a disaster and a sign that Jeremy Corbyn should resign, or at least stop holding me to account.”
The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “There is mounting evidence that voters intend to punish Labour for unpatriotically holding the government to account, when the party should instead have been praising Theresa May’s brave decision to attend PMQs in the nude, to show she has nothing to hide over the Windrush scandal.”
“I will be on television later tonight to help the Government save face in the wake of big losses in today’s local elections.”
The Government has apologised unreservedly for getting caught violating the rights of British citizens, it has been reported.
A spokesperson for Theresa May said: “The Prime Minister is sorry she got caught violating the rights of thousands of British citizens, and she is prepared to make amends by granting all Windrush immigrants the British citizenship they have legally had for decades already.”
“When she had their landing cards destroyed as Home Secretary, the future Prime Minister had no idea that several years later she would decide to illegally imprison and deport Windrush Britons from their own country as part of a drive to please racist Little Englanders.”
“Even though it is clear that she is to blame herself, the PM now calls on Jeremy Corbyn to take full responsibility and resign over this regretable affair.”
The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg commented: “This is yet another colossal fuck up by the Conservatives, but we’re too busy holding the opposition to account to report an issue as trivial as the massive violation of the rights of British citizens.”
Internal party bickering is more important than fighting the Tories, the Blairite faction of the Labour Party has announced.
Writing in the Sun, Labour MP John Mann argued: “Although we have failed several times to overthrow the elected leader of the labour Party, those of us who oppose Jeremy Corbyn owe it to the poorest and most vulnerable to keep on trying.”
“With the local elections fast approaching, and Labour set to do very well this time around, we have decided to launch a renewed smear campaign against Corbyn and the left of the party, with the aim of diverting attention away from the evil shit the Tories are doing to this country, and making the Labour Party look as unattractive as possible to the electorate.”
“With austerity biting hard and ever more children facing poverty and other extreme hardships, now more than ever does our right-leaning faction of the Labour Party need to ally itself with the Tories, to ensure a sinister humanist and moderate left winger like Jeremy Corbyn cannot seize power via the ballot box.”
A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said. “We welcome the renewed smear campaign against Jeremy Corbyn, because it takes the heat off the Government at a very awkward time, with revelations having just emerged about cheating during the Brexit referendum, and my party’s possible use of entities like Cambridge Analytica to win elections.”
“Ordinarly, revelations of this kind would invalidate our mandate to govern or to leave the EU, but because the media’s attention has been turned on Labour and the anti-semitism witch-hunt, it looks like we’ll get away with our blatant electoral fraud yet again.”
Only WE are allowed to kill people on the streets of Britain, the Tories have told Russia.
Speaking at the Conservative Party Conference, Theresa May said: “We will never tolerate a threat to the life of British citizens from Russia. Only this Conservative Government has a legitimate mandate to kill people with impunity on the streets of Britain.”
“The rule of law. Freedom of speech. The toleration of dissenting and minority views. A free press. Fair and democratic elections. A thriving civil society. These are the foundation stones of human freedom, and are all things that I have worked hard to erode during my time in office, first as Home Secretary, and now as Prime Minister.”
Former Minister Iain Duncan Smith said: “We have worked hard to set up our inhumane and punitive system of ever reducing social welfare, which has killed countless thousands of the poorest and most vulnerablem and it is an utter outrage to have Russian agents coming over here and killing people in the streets.
“Only I deserve to bask in the glory of taking the lives of unsuspecting members of the public, through my cruel welfare reforms.”
The United States Congress has voted to lift the ban on possession of anthrax, which is also known as the bacterium Bacillus Anthracis, it has been confirmed today.
Speaking on Fox News, House Speaker Paul Ryan said: “Anthrax doesn’t kill, the person who mails it does. And that is why we have voted to lift the unconstitutional ban on Anthrax, safeguarding American liberty so that ordinary citizens can once again take their own decisions about how they choose to defend their homes and schools using this deadly bacterium.”
“By arming every citizen with anthrax, including teachers and homeless war veterans, communities all across America will become so much safer, because all future anthrax attacks will be prevented by the presence of a good guy with anthrax.”
“The large donations many congressmen have recieved from the National Anthrax Association have absolutely nothing to do with this decision, just like donations from the NRA have nothing to do with our lack of interest in enacting any kind of gun control.”
President Trump openly supported the lifting of the ban, publishing a tweet in support of the move: “Nothing is more American than being able to choose how to end another person’s life using a deadly weapon or bacterium.”
Senior Tories will lead British troops in the upcoming war with Russia, it has been announced.
Speaking to the Sun, former Tory leader Iain Duncan Smith said: “In an attempt to distract the public from the omnishambles that is Brexit, a jolly good war is going to be necessary, and soon.”
“As a retired military officer who reached the rank of Major Twat, I am well placed to lead our boys into battle in this glorious new war.”
“However, it is important that as much of the glory and medals as possible go to Conservative politicians, and for this reason I have assembled an elite group of hard-line MPs who will parachute in with the first wave to make sure the opening stages of the war go according to plan.”
“Of course, there is no actual plan, but I am confident we will come up with one at some point in time after hostilities begin.”
“Armed with top secret weapons code-named AUSTERITY and UNIVERSAL CREDIT, my crack team of hard-right headbangers will bring death and misery to the poor and the vulnerable in the newly occupied territories of our new Eastern Empire.”
“When not killing the enemy, I will patrol the battlefield issuing cruel sanctions to the wounded, and declaring the dead fit for work.”
A spokesman for the Russian Ministry of Defence commented: “We do not understand why the British government is talking about going to war with Russia. Were the large bribes we paid to various British politicians not high enough?”