F*ck you peasants, says Theresa May

Theresa May has told British peasants to go fuck themselves, it has emerged.

Speaking at the launch of the Conservative election manifesto, the Prime Minister said: “To all the peasants watching at home, FUCK YOU!”

“Because we’re confident of a crushing victory over the left wing saboteurs who continue to defy the will of the people, I’ve stuffed the Conservative Party’s manifesto full to the brim with all my spite and malice, in the form of policies designed to inflict yet more suffering on the poorest and most vulnerable in our so-called society.”

“To protect national security and to prop up the failing business model of patriotic British newspapers like the Mail and the Sun, I will legislate to censor social media and independent, left wing online media. At long last, we will ensure that citizens are no longer at risk of reading anything that is either true or left wing, raising the possibility of strong and stable Conservative rule for all eternity.”

“We will also snatch food from the mouths of hungry school children, to restore unfairness and inequality to school meal times. Because I believe in personal responsibility and good life choices,  I also believe that nobody should be required to feed somebody else’s child, however malnourished they may be.”

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