The country needs cold and heartless leadership in the wake of the Grenfell disaster, the Prime Minister has reiterated.
Asked whether she has a conscience, the Prime Minister moved her head robotically and said: “Well, what we need now is cold and heartless leadership to get us through this really bad tragedy that was nothing to do with Tory policies, and as the most heartless person in the country I believe I am the best person to lead Britain going forward into the Grenfell cover up.”
“I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the emergency services for selflessly accepting the low pay and needless funding cuts that my party has imposed since 2010.”
“But most importantly, I thank the police for withholding the true death toll of this unpleasant episode which happened to some insignificant people who probably wouldn’t vote Conservative anyway.”
“With any luck, the public won’t be paying attention when we reveal that hundreds of people actually perished in the fire, instead of the tens of people that the media and police are helpfully talking about at the moment.”
Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog
Theresa May has restated her determination to drive the country off a cliff as part of her government’s plan to press ahead with Brexit, it has been confirmed.
Speaking from behind an impenetrable cordon of riot police, the Prime Minister told journalists: “I am in power and I intend to hang on for long enough to drive the country over the edge of the cliff., according to the will of the people as expressed by the Daily Mail.”
“All those people who want me out of power immediately, who probably constitute a majority of voters and business leaders, should respect the will of the people and let me get on with negotiating a Brexit deal that is in the best interest of me and my party of nutters.”
“Not only am I the best politician in the history of this country, I am also an amazing negotiator and only I can get the right deal for Britain, through my idiot proxy David Davis. Although the talks have only just started, but already we have secured a number of great victories against our imagined European enemy.”
“Our plan for exiting the European Union is like a divorce. We will refuse to co-operate at all with anything, lose the house and the kids, and finally be free of everything that has held us down. We will then live in the bedsit of victory rather than a mansion of defeat.”
Democracy is to be canceled from 2018 onward because there is a good chance the Conservatives will lose, it has been announced.
Surrounded by police officers in riot gear to keep the proles at arms length, the Prime Minister said: “Democracy is merely Parliamentary convention, and as Prime Minister I am under no legal obligation to continue with the archaic formalities of the UK’s inefficient parliamentary system.”
“The people have made it very clear, not only in the Brexit referendum but also in the last two general elections, that they do not wish to see the continuation of parliamentary democracy in Britain. The will of the people must be respected above all else, irrespective of what the enemies of the people may say.”
“Also, if MPs or the people are allowed to vote again, I will probably lose.”
“According to the clear wishes of the people as expressed during the country’s last ever election, Parliament will remain dissolved and I will rule Britain with my strong and stable cabinet of millionaires. Never has a cabinet been assembled with such hatred for the poor and vulnerable.”
“Some of my opponents claim I am conducting a coup by salami slicing our democracy, but I can assure you there is already a strong historical precedent for what I am doing.”
“The Long Parliament of 1640 to 1660 sat for twenty years without a single King’s speech, and I see no legal reason why I cannot do the same now, just without any of the opposition parties.”
Another general election is to be held on 8 September so that Theresa May can secure a larger majority, it has been announced.
Speaking to journalists, Mrs May said: “This general election has been a great success for the Conservatives and for me personally, but I still do not have a proper majority.”
“I demand that voters give me the majority I need to go into the Brexit negotiations and secure the wrong deal for Britain.”
“Therefore, the people will be asked to vote again on September the 8th and I hope that this time, voters will do their patriotic duty and return an all Conservative House of Commons.”
“That way, there will be no scrutiny of my policy decisions and I will be able to rule Britain as a dictator.”
“And in case some voters insist on defying my will by voting for one of the anti-British parties like Labour or the Liberal Democrats, I have a war chest full of donations from millionaires to pay for shit loads of fake news and misleading adverts on Facebook.”
Theresa May has scored a ‘titanic’ victory in the 2017 generation election with over 110 per cent of the vote, it has been announced.
Speaking to journalists outside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister said:”With my party securing an unprecedented 110 per cent of the national vote, the people have given me a clear mandate to rule the United Kingdom, in perpetuity.”
“There were times in this general election campaign when I feared that Labour might actually beat us with their credible and socially just policies. But in the end our tried and tested combination of smears, fake news, and targeted Facebook adverts won the day.”
“This is a victory of titanic proportions, but without the iceberg and all the chaos and death.”
“Okay, perhaps there will be just a few hundred thousand deaths going forward, but largely only disabled, homeless, or poor people whose benefits we’ve needed to cut to fund a huge tax cut for the rich.”
“One more thing. Because I said it a couple of days before the election, my plan for state control of all social media and the abolish human rights is now legally binding and can be forced through as a statutory instrument without parliamentary scrutiny.”
“It is the will of the people as defined by me and Rupert Murdoch.”
The Prime Minister has claimed victory over all other parties in last night’s debate on the BBC, it has emerged.
“My strong and stable leadership shone through in the TV debate last night, and I am pleased to crown myself the clear winner in this and all subsequent debates between the party leaders.”
“Because I’m now on course to secure a large majority, I see no point wasting time in pointless debates that I will just continue to win, so I’ll be sending along one of my equally dishonest minions to face the unwashed masses.”
“Come to think of it, why don’t we just postpone the election for a few years or even decades, by which time the terror threat level might have gone down and the economy might have recovered from Brexit.”
“All the polls show I’m definitely going to secure a renewed mandate with 110% of the vote.”
Theresa May has told British peasants to go fuck themselves, it has emerged.
Speaking at the launch of the Conservative election manifesto, the Prime Minister said: “To all the peasants watching at home, FUCK YOU!”
“Because we’re confident of a crushing victory over the left wing saboteurs who continue to defy the will of the people, I’ve stuffed the Conservative Party’s manifesto full to the brim with all my spite and malice, in the form of policies designed to inflict yet more suffering on the poorest and most vulnerable in our so-called society.”
“To protect national security and to prop up the failing business model of patriotic British newspapers like the Mail and the Sun, I will legislate to censor social media and independent, left wing online media. At long last, we will ensure that citizens are no longer at risk of reading anything that is either true or left wing, raising the possibility of strong and stable Conservative rule for all eternity.”
“We will also snatch food from the mouths of hungry school children, to restore unfairness and inequality to school meal times. Because I believe in personal responsibility and good life choices, I also believe that nobody should be required to feed somebody else’s child, however malnourished they may be.”
Putting Jeremy Corbyn into power would wreck the economy, according to a woman who is busy wrecking the economy, it has emerged.
“It is very important that the voting public make the correct choice and elect a strong and stable dictatorship, I mean government to rule over them.”
“The Conservative Party has a whole raft of wonderful policies designed to rob from the poor and give to the oppressed rich elite, and to make ordinary people’s lives even more hopeless than they already are.”
“If that doesn’t convince you to vote Tory, then perhaps our massive fake news campaign will.”
“But whatever you do, don’t vote for Jeremy Corbyn, because he’s unelectable. I haven’t got any evidence to back this up, but he’s bad news and will definitely wreck the economy almost as much as the Conservative Party has.”
A spokesperson from the BBC said: “As the propaganda arm of the Conservative Party, the BBC can confirm that everything Theresa May says is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
“We are also obliged to tell you that the Labour Party is double plus bad.”
In association with piggate2
I love the smell of ripped up foxes in the morning, Theresa May has announced.
Speaking on the campaign trail, the Prime Minister said: “I support fox hunting because I love the smell of ripped up foxes in the morning.”
“Fox hunting is an entirely wholesome sport for white, heterosexual Conservative voters who care little for the well being of animals or other human beings.”
“And the reason I am able to state such a hateful opinion today is that I have most of the mainstream media in my pocket, including the BBC who are doing a fantastic job of holding Jeremy Corbyn and Tim Farron to account for attempting to defy the iron will of the people that I embody.”
“The BBC would never dream of asking me questions like ‘do you approve of homosexuality?’ or ‘why are you so unelectable and are you going to immediately resign?’, because they know they’d lose their charter.”
“And besides, my party has filled the BBC with secret and not so secret Tories, who are more than happy to help turn Britain into a one-party state where no criticism of the Conservative Government is heard, except on alt-left fake news websites like The Canary and Another Angry Voice, both of which should be banned.”
Conservative activist Chris Bumfield said: “Fox hunting is great because it’s something people did in the past, and going to back to thing we did in the past is brilliant.”
“Like Brexit, fox hunting is definitely going to make Britain great again.”
Theresa May has been awarded the Victoria Cross for heroism in her ‘Battle for Britain’, Theresa May has announced.
Speaking outside Number 10, the Prime Minister declared: “I have for many years been at the forefront of the Battle for Brexit Britain, first sowing seeds of hatred and xenophobia as Home Secretary, and now waging war on immigrants from the EU and their loved ones.”
“This is a war that has been forced upon us by the fact that we Tories have plundered the country so gratuitously that a major distraction was required, but thankfully we are winning thanks to the brave actions I have taken against our carefully chosen scapegoats – the foreigners who had the audacity to come here to contribute to Britain and make a new life.”
“I am the greatest war leader this country has ever had, and in recognition of my heroism I am proud to announce that I am awarding myself the Victoria Cross, along with a cash prize of £350 million on top of the already substantial profits my husband made as a consequence of massive economic turbulence caused by my recklessness.”
“And if my reich lasts a thousand years, the tabloids will still say this was my finest hour.”