Tag Archives: theresa may

Medicinal cannabis is way worse than letting children die, insists Theresa May

Allowing patients to access medicinal cannabis would be far worse than simply letting children die, the Prime Minister has announced.

Speaking at a dinner party with city bankers, Theresa May warned: “There  is a word that I cannot bear to hear uttered in my presence. That word is cannabis, the name of the most dangerous and addictive drug known to science.”

“This terrifying drug is a thousand times more addictive than cocaine, the expensive recreational drug that many members of my own party regularly use when cavorting with prostitutes. Even worse, cannabis is inexpensive enough to be available to people from all walks of life, including groups my party hates, such as immigrants, non-whites, and the working class.”

“Some people in the anti-British media have asked why I lied to Billy Caldwell’s mum about getting her son the treatment he needed to stay alive. It’s because my Christian faith tells me that it is better for people to simply be left to die than to receive medicinal cannabis or evil socialist healthcare from the NHS. This applies to children as well as to adults, both of whom can be guilty of poor lifestyle choices such as being born into a family that is not wealthy enough to go private.”

After taking a sip of human blood from the gilded chalice she clutched with her bony, grasping fingers, the Prime Minister added:  “The media should stop challenging my government for all the nasty shit we are doing, and should instead focus on holding the opposition to account, like the BBC does so well these days under Laura Kuenssberg.”


War with Russia ought to distract you from Brexit and Tory misrule, says Theresa May

War with Russia ought to distract you from Brexit and Tory misrule, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking in Parliament, the Prime Minister said: “It is becoming increasingly difficult to blame Labour and the Remainers for the clusterfuck that is Brexit, so I think now would be a good moment to start a jolly good war.”

“With any luck a war will unite the country behind my strong and stable rule, and the public will forget that they can not longer afford food or shelter thanks to my deliberate mismanagement of the nation.”

“A war will also provide vital jobs for young people in communities that have been ravaged by Tory policies, giving them a way up and out onto the savage battlefields of the twenty first century.”

“In order to help those who need it the most, the draft will begin in marginal Labour voting areas first, to drastically reduce the number of Labour voters and make sure my patriotic British party stays in power forever.”

Jeremy Corbyn and many others from across the political spectrum have called for restraint, but the Prime Minister has simply brushed all concerns aside, calling them “Marxist mansplaining by enemies of the people, who are not as strong and stable as I am”.

A number of right-leaning Labour MPs have praised Theresa May for the bravery she showed when she pledged to send working class Britons off to fight and die for her own political gain.

One Blairite MP told reporters: “War is great, and I think we need more of it, not just everywhere in the Middle East except Israel, but also in Europe as well if at all possible.”

“And I’m not just saying that because I get paid by Israel to accuse left wing humanists of being anti-semitic when they express concerns about the treatment of Palestinian children at the hands of some members of the Israeli miltary.”


‘Fake news’ was never a problem back when only we did it, say Tories

So-called ‘fake news’ was never a problem back in the old days when only we did it, the Conservatives have announced.

The Prime Minister said: “Fake news has been around for centuries, and my party has used it with great effectiveness to fool the public into electing us against their own self interests.”

“However, we have recently begun to lose control of the narrative, largely because the public now have a greater choice over where to obtain their information, and also because people have become sick and tired of blatant lies peddled on our behalf by the traditional news media.”

“This loss of control represents a major issue of national security, primarily because it makes it more likely that the public will vote for a left wing government that will run the country for the many, rather than for the rich elite who are fund Brexit and the Conservative Party.”

“By national security, I mean the financial security of the rich elite and the preservation of their divine right to enjoy the fruits of other people’s labour, while maintaining the little people in ever deepening poverty.”

“My husband works for a hedge fund and we are quite wealthy, but if Labour get in he’ll have to pay a bit more in tax and that will impact on my ability to spend a grand on a pair of leather trousers, or buy designer dresses that make me look like a novelty cushion.”

“The only way to respect the will of the people and make Britain great again is to prevent the public from having free access to information on social media, and return to the good old days when the Sun and Daily Mail were the accepted as having privileged access to the truth, and when the public were not too enlightened to listen to the right-wing ravings of those shit rags.”


We hate socialism except when our rich donors need bailing out, say Tories

Socialism is evil except when our rich corporate donors need to be bailed out with taxpayers’ money, the Conservatives have announced.

Speaking in Parliament, the Prime Minister said:”Nobody hates socialism more than I do, but our rich corporate donors need to be bailed out using public funds from the magic money tree.”

“For years now the Government has paid companies like Carillion to provide rip-off public services and to build overpriced infrastructure, in return for generous donations to the propaganda budget of the criminal organisation known as the Conservative Party.”

“I am gravely concerned about Carillion going bust, not because thousands of ordinary people will lose their jobs, and not because public services and infrastructure projects will be disrupted.”

“My real concern is about the potential loss of future donations from Carillion executives, which we Conservatives will need if we are win future elections against a Labour Party that now has such incredible grass-roots support.”


Basin haircut makes me look like a Crusader knight, boasts Theresa May

The Prime Minister believes her basin haircut makes her look like a Crusader knight, it has been revealed.

An anonymous source with close links to the Prime Minister said: “Theresa May is very keen to show off her Christianity and dispel the myth that her policies of starving the poor and hounding the disabled are not compatible with the Christian faith.”

“After looking at a number of possible options, it was decided that a basin haircut would make her look a bit like a Crusader knight, providing just the right look as she strives to carry out the austere will of Christ.”

“We worked closely with a top hair stylist to ensure the PM didn’t end up looking like a massive bellend. A recent poll shows most people think she doesn’t.”

However, a recent poll for Newscrasher found that more than half of respondents believe Theresa May is in fact a massive bellend.

Further elaborating on Mrs May’s hairstyle makeover, the anonymous source added: “Labour voters might not like it, but the fact that the Crusaders went on a murderous rampage in the Middle East, slaughtering everyone in their path, is expected to play well with the prejudiced and callous Tory and Ukip voters to whom she wishes to pander.”

“The PM particularly wants to show she is a strong, fighting woman who is battling for Britain against saboteurs and the treacherous European Union who are trying to defy her iron will.”

“The Eurocrats appeared to be visibly shaken with fear during her most recent meeting in Brussels. However, some unpatriotic commentators from the fake news have suggested that they may instead have been shaking with side-splitting laughter at her ineptitude.”

“In recent months our team has come under sustained attack from problematic thugs on social media, who have pointed out that if the Prime Minister was a genuine Christian, she would not plunge children into poverty or sentence the most vulnerable members of society to death.”

“We believe the Momentum terrorist group are behind this campaign of bullying, and we call on Jeremy Corbyn to immediately shut down the group, so the Prime Minister can get on with ruining ordinary people’s lives with the impunity she desires.”


I have no shame and will NEVER resign, says Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson has will definitely not resign because he has no shame, it has been confirmed today.

The Foreign Secretary said:”My own political ambitions are far more important than trifling matters like whether a British citizen will languish in a foreign jail due to my incompetence as Foreign Secretary.”

“Incompetence and gross misconduct are no longer resigning matters, and why should I resign when I was so obviously born to rule.”

“I clearly have the full support of the British public, who voted for me to be Prime Minister when they chose to leave the European Union in last year’s landslide referendum result.”

“I will make Britain great again and reclaim our glorious empire, free from the shackles of human rights and democratic accountability.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “Boris Johnson and Michael Gove are two of the most despicable and incompetent ministers in the history of this country.”

“However, the Prime Minister is currently unable to sack either of these two clowns because they have the support of powerful people, and somehow there are also members of the public who view them positively.”

“The Prime Minister has been very clear that she will continue to take orders from Johnson and Gove, who are are holding her to ransom over their joint hard-on for a hard Brexit.”


Theresa May vows to make Britain a ‘hostile environment’ for anyone not rich

Theresa May will address inequality by making Britain a ‘hostile environment’ for anyone who is not rich, it has been reported.

Speaking during an intimate interview with the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, the Prime Minister said: “I now acknowledge that inequality is a growing problem for my government, because despite our weak claims to the contrary, rising inequality is hard proof that we are governing for the few, not the many.”

“And that is why I intend to make this country a hostile environment for anyone who is not rich. We will end inequality once and for all, simply by getting rid of the poor.”

“By crashing the economy, as we Tories so often do, we will induce millions of young or less well off people to emigrate to other countries, preferably to majority white commonwealth countries rather than European ones, leaving behind high net worth individuals and baby-boomers who usually vote Conservative.”

“Any low net worth Britons who refuse to emigrate will be dealt with according to Iain Duncan Smith’s blueprint for hounding the vulnerable to an early grave. If bullying and starvation doesn’t get them, then our merciless cuts to the NHS surely will.”

Idiot Tory voter Chris Bumfield told Newscrasher: “I know nothing about economics, but the false analogies peddled by the Conservatives about household budgets and living within our means have convinced me that my children’s lives should be utterly ruined by needless austerity and cuts, because of a global recession that Labour are said to have caused.”


Cold and heartless leadership needed in wake of Grenfell, says Theresa May

The country needs cold and heartless leadership in the wake of the Grenfell disaster, the Prime Minister has reiterated.

Asked whether she has a conscience, the Prime Minister moved her head robotically and said: “Well, what we need now is cold and heartless leadership to get us through this really bad tragedy that was nothing to do with Tory policies, and as the most heartless person in the country I believe I am the best person to lead Britain going forward into the Grenfell cover up.”

“I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the emergency services for selflessly accepting the low pay and needless funding cuts that my party has imposed since 2010.”

“But most importantly, I thank the police for withholding the true death toll of this unpleasant episode which happened to some insignificant people who probably wouldn’t vote Conservative anyway.”

“With any luck, the public won’t be paying attention when we reveal that hundreds of people actually perished in the fire, instead of the tens of people that the media and police are helpfully talking about at the moment.”


I am DETERMINED to drive the country OFF A CLIFF, says Theresa May

Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Theresa May has restated her determination to drive the country off a cliff as part of her government’s plan to press ahead with Brexit, it has been confirmed.

Speaking from behind an impenetrable cordon of riot police, the Prime Minister told journalists: “I am in power and I intend to hang on for long enough to drive the country over the edge of the cliff., according to the will of the people as expressed by the Daily Mail.”

“All those people who want me out of power immediately, who probably constitute a majority of voters and business leaders, should respect the will of the people and let me get on with negotiating a Brexit deal that is in the best interest of me and my party of nutters.”

“Not only am I the best politician in the history of this country, I am also an amazing negotiator and only I can get the right deal for Britain, through my idiot proxy David Davis. Although the talks have only just started, but already we have secured a number of great victories against our imagined European enemy.”

“Our plan for exiting the European Union is like a divorce. We will refuse to co-operate at all with anything, lose the house and the kids, and finally be free of everything that has held us down. We will then live in the bedsit of victory rather than a mansion of defeat.”


Democracy canceled from 2018 onward because Theresa May might lose

Democracy is to be canceled from 2018 onward because there is a good chance the Conservatives will lose, it has been announced.

Surrounded by police officers in riot gear to keep the proles at arms length, the Prime Minister said: “Democracy is merely Parliamentary convention, and as Prime Minister I am under no legal obligation to continue with the archaic formalities of the UK’s inefficient parliamentary system.”

“The people have made it very clear, not only in the Brexit referendum but also in the last two general elections, that they do not wish to see the continuation of parliamentary democracy in Britain. The will of the people must be respected above all else, irrespective of what the enemies of the people may say.”

“Also, if MPs or the people are allowed to vote again, I will probably lose.”

“According to the clear wishes of the people as expressed during the country’s last ever election, Parliament will remain dissolved and I will rule Britain with my strong and stable cabinet of millionaires. Never has a cabinet been assembled with such hatred for the poor and vulnerable.”

“Some of my opponents claim I am conducting a coup by salami slicing our democracy, but I can assure you there is already a strong historical precedent for what I am doing.”

“The Long Parliament of 1640 to 1660 sat for twenty years without a single King’s speech, and I see no legal reason why I cannot do the same now, just without any of the opposition parties.”