Tag Archives: theresa may

Brexit means f*** off, EU tells Theresa May

Brexit means f*** off, the rest of the European Union has told Theresa May, as she grovels for concessions in Brussels last night.

“Brexit means Brexit, and the will of the people is for a red, white and blue Brexit that only I can deliver. But for this to happen I need to stay in power, and that is why I have been running around the EU like a headless chicken begging EU leaders for concessions to appease rabid extremist Tories.”

“Even though the entire EU just told me to just go and f*** myself, I am pleased to announce that a new deal is now 95 per cent complete, so please let me stay in power a bit longer while I keep this shambolic shit-show going for just a few more months.”

“I would also like to remind everyone that it is in the national interest for me to stay in power as Prime Minister for as long as possible, so I can continue to cover up years of wrongdoing from my time as Home Secretary, including the truth surrounding my decision to shred Windrush documents, and my refusal to allow the security services to investigate Russian interference in UK democracy.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg tweeted: “Genius May wins historic backing of Parliament and the little people, strong and stable in the national interest. Not like vampire antichrist Jeremy Corbyn.”

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Letting MPs or the public vote would undermine my dictatorship … I mean democracy, says May

The public and Parliament will not be permitted to vote again because it would undermine my dictatorship, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking to Laura Kuenssberg, a Conservative Party spokesperson currently on secondment to the BBC, the Prime Minister said: “A number of known troublemakers in Parliament, allied with potential terrorist sympathisers among the general public, have asked for there to be a meaningful vote on my Brexit deal, or else a new referendum.”

“But because the deal I have reached with the EU is truly in the national interest, I have decreed that there will be no more voting of any kind because that kind of seditious behaviour would undermine my strong and stable dictatorship, err, I mean it would undermine democracy and loads of gammon snowflakes would be triggered.”

“I would also like to point out that our unwritten constitution literally is not worth the paper it is written on, so I can legally ignore all Parliamentary convention and rule as a tyrant if I so wish. Parliament and the public should get over it, they lost, I won.”

“I am clear that my people love me, as was proven by the landslide victory in the 2016 referendum on whether I should become Prime Minister for life, and in my subsequent landslide general election victory. It would surely violate the sacred will of the people were I to stand down at this crucial stage in our war on EU citizens and Brussels.”

Kuenssberg: “How does it feel to be officially the greatest leader in the entire history of this great nation? It must be hard being so amazing, all the time.”

May: “I’m glad you asked me that, Laura, but the real question is whether the British people want strong and stable leadership under my rule, or a coalition of chaos under Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour. I know the public will be very glad they listened to David Cameron back in 2015 and opted for stable, non-chaotic Conservative rule.”

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Not letting the people vote me out of power is in the national interest, says May

It is in the national interest to suspend democracy for a while, to prevent the people from stopping Brexit or voting me out of power, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking to journalists on a flight to the United States, the Prime Minister said: “I am on my way to lick the boots of President Trump, and I have better things to do than contemplate trivial matters like whether the public want to be ruled by a far-right authoritarian, or whether we should crash the economy and leave the little people to starve to death in the aftermath.”

“It is simply not in the national interest to let the public have a say at this point, because there’s a chance they might boot me out of power and stop Brexit.”

“I am clear that the public chose this strong and stable government to rule over them after a fair and democratic election, and it is despicable that some antisemites and terrorist sympathisers are now agitating to overthrow the Will of the People via the ballot box.”

“However, I am willing to allow an election in 2022, by which time we’ll be out of the EU with no deal, the NHS will have been sold off to American corporations, and hundreds of thousands of low net worth individuals will have died as a result of Universal Credit.”

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Surge in Labour membership shows I am right to abolish democracy and implement national socialism, says May

The latest surge in Labour membership indicates that the people want an end to democracy and a National Socialist government, Theresa May has concluded.

The Prime Minister said: “The Labour Party has seen a recent surge in new members, many of whom want a more socialist Britain. Listening to the British public, I will give them the National Socialist rule they clearly now want.”

“Of course, my subjects don’t yet know they want me to rule them with an iron fist, stamping down on their faces for eternity, but I am clear that they want precisely what I want.”

“And that is why there is no need for the public to vote again on the brilliant Brexit deal we are negotiating. In fact, there is no longer any need for the public to vote on anything ever again, now that the Will Of The People  has been settled for all time.”

“Jeremy Corbyn is socialist but he only represents Islington and Labour Party members. Only I can roll out socialism across the entire country to create the British National Socialist state.”

“National Socialism has been given a bad name by the actions of the National Socialists who ran Germany in the first half the 20th century, but there’s no reason why this system of government cannot be tried again, with a strong and stable leader at the helm.”

“I am very clear that Hitler was a quite bad person who made mistakes, such as exterminating Jews instead of cynically weaponising them against the opposition. But I am the new Nelson Mandela, as I hope the media has now convinced you all, and I will rule for the ordinary people as I promised when I seized power in 2016 without a single vote being cast.”

“What’s another broken promise to a serial liar like me? I break electoral promised more often than George Osborne snorts coke.”

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Theresa May “dropped an E” before Africa “rave”

By Jeff Sanchez and Johnny Zenith

Theresa May “dropped an E” before her African “rave” dancing, it has been announced.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “Theresa May is passionate about generating new trade opportunities, and she is pleased to announce a new agreement with several African countries regarding the export of large quantities of high quality pharmaceutical products.”

“In order to demonstrate the very high quality of British Ecstasy to African delegates, the Prime Minister dropped an E and demonstrated a number of advanced British dance moves while under the drug’s influence.”

“The trade delegates were extremely impressed that the drug was able to turn a somebody as boring and wooden as the PM into an uninhibited raver, and several large bags of Ecstasy were ordered from an enterprise connected to Philip May.”

However, insiders have claimed the Prime Minister spent the subsequent 4 hours thinking she had a deep connection to everyone present, only to find out she and nobody else give a shit about each other the next day.

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Theresa May challenges EU leaders to “dance-off” to settle Brexit negotiations

Theresa May has challenged EU leaders to a “dance-off” to settle Brexit negotiation, it has been announced.

Speaking on the BBC, the Prime Minister said: “In recent days I have amazed the world with my incredibly natural and fluid dance moves, and the next step will be to challenge other EU leaders to a dance-off to settle the Brexit negotiations.”

Interviewer Laura Kuenssberg replied: “Prime Minister, not only are you the greatest dancer this proud, Christian nation has ever produced, but you are also the most perfect human being in the history of the world. Britain is truly blessed to have you as its dear leader Would you like to tell any more lies, which will go unchallenged?”

Mrs May added: “Thank you Laura, and yes, as a matter of fact I would like to just add that Jeremy Corbyn is the new Enoch Powell, and is like a pitiful worm compared to a heroic, lifelong anti-Apartheid campaigner like me.”

“I am also very clear that Jeremy Corbyn should immediately be thrown out of parliament, on account of him getting upgraded from ‘laughably unelectable’ to ‘now very electable and dangerous to my own personal wealth’.”

“Oh, but I can’t say I fear Corbyn so I’d better just say it’s because of the ridiculous antisemitism smear we’ve manufactured and weaponised against him.”

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Medicinal cannabis is way worse than letting children die, insists Theresa May

Allowing patients to access medicinal cannabis would be far worse than simply letting children die, the Prime Minister has announced.

Speaking at a dinner party with city bankers, Theresa May warned: “There  is a word that I cannot bear to hear uttered in my presence. That word is cannabis, the name of the most dangerous and addictive drug known to science.”

“This terrifying drug is a thousand times more addictive than cocaine, the expensive recreational drug that many members of my own party regularly use when cavorting with prostitutes. Even worse, cannabis is inexpensive enough to be available to people from all walks of life, including groups my party hates, such as immigrants, non-whites, and the working class.”

“Some people in the anti-British media have asked why I lied to Billy Caldwell’s mum about getting her son the treatment he needed to stay alive. It’s because my Christian faith tells me that it is better for people to simply be left to die than to receive medicinal cannabis or evil socialist healthcare from the NHS. This applies to children as well as to adults, both of whom can be guilty of poor lifestyle choices such as being born into a family that is not wealthy enough to go private.”

After taking a sip of human blood from the gilded chalice she clutched with her bony, grasping fingers, the Prime Minister added:  “The media should stop challenging my government for all the nasty shit we are doing, and should instead focus on holding the opposition to account, like the BBC does so well these days under Laura Kuenssberg.”

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War with Russia ought to distract you from Brexit and Tory misrule, says Theresa May

War with Russia ought to distract you from Brexit and Tory misrule, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking in Parliament, the Prime Minister said: “It is becoming increasingly difficult to blame Labour and the Remainers for the clusterfuck that is Brexit, so I think now would be a good moment to start a jolly good war.”

“With any luck a war will unite the country behind my strong and stable rule, and the public will forget that they can not longer afford food or shelter thanks to my deliberate mismanagement of the nation.”

“A war will also provide vital jobs for young people in communities that have been ravaged by Tory policies, giving them a way up and out onto the savage battlefields of the twenty first century.”

“In order to help those who need it the most, the draft will begin in marginal Labour voting areas first, to drastically reduce the number of Labour voters and make sure my patriotic British party stays in power forever.”

Jeremy Corbyn and many others from across the political spectrum have called for restraint, but the Prime Minister has simply brushed all concerns aside, calling them “Marxist mansplaining by enemies of the people, who are not as strong and stable as I am”.

A number of right-leaning Labour MPs have praised Theresa May for the bravery she showed when she pledged to send working class Britons off to fight and die for her own political gain.

One Blairite MP told reporters: “War is great, and I think we need more of it, not just everywhere in the Middle East except Israel, but also in Europe as well if at all possible.”

“And I’m not just saying that because I get paid by Israel to accuse left wing humanists of being anti-semitic when they express concerns about the treatment of Palestinian children at the hands of some members of the Israeli miltary.”

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‘Fake news’ was never a problem back when only we did it, say Tories

So-called ‘fake news’ was never a problem back in the old days when only we did it, the Conservatives have announced.

The Prime Minister said: “Fake news has been around for centuries, and my party has used it with great effectiveness to fool the public into electing us against their own self interests.”

“However, we have recently begun to lose control of the narrative, largely because the public now have a greater choice over where to obtain their information, and also because people have become sick and tired of blatant lies peddled on our behalf by the traditional news media.”

“This loss of control represents a major issue of national security, primarily because it makes it more likely that the public will vote for a left wing government that will run the country for the many, rather than for the rich elite who are fund Brexit and the Conservative Party.”

“By national security, I mean the financial security of the rich elite and the preservation of their divine right to enjoy the fruits of other people’s labour, while maintaining the little people in ever deepening poverty.”

“My husband works for a hedge fund and we are quite wealthy, but if Labour get in he’ll have to pay a bit more in tax and that will impact on my ability to spend a grand on a pair of leather trousers, or buy designer dresses that make me look like a novelty cushion.”

“The only way to respect the will of the people and make Britain great again is to prevent the public from having free access to information on social media, and return to the good old days when the Sun and Daily Mail were the accepted as having privileged access to the truth, and when the public were not too enlightened to listen to the right-wing ravings of those shit rags.”

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We hate socialism except when our rich donors need bailing out, say Tories

Socialism is evil except when our rich corporate donors need to be bailed out with taxpayers’ money, the Conservatives have announced.

Speaking in Parliament, the Prime Minister said:”Nobody hates socialism more than I do, but our rich corporate donors need to be bailed out using public funds from the magic money tree.”

“For years now the Government has paid companies like Carillion to provide rip-off public services and to build overpriced infrastructure, in return for generous donations to the propaganda budget of the criminal organisation known as the Conservative Party.”

“I am gravely concerned about Carillion going bust, not because thousands of ordinary people will lose their jobs, and not because public services and infrastructure projects will be disrupted.”

“My real concern is about the potential loss of future donations from Carillion executives, which we Conservatives will need if we are win future elections against a Labour Party that now has such incredible grass-roots support.”

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