By Jeff Sanchez ad Johnny Zenith
Britain will become a world-beating exporter of circular reasoning, the Brexit Secretary has boasted.
Speaking out after a series of embarrassing failures, David Davis said: “British businesses must do more to embrace the great opportunities presented by the senseless destruction of our economy by Brexit.”
“We had a non-binding referendum which we won based on a pack of lies, and now business leaders must respect the will of the gullible and help us go through with this unnecessary and avoidable economic suicide.”
“Even though all of our companies will go bust or else relocate to the European mainland, Britain can still become a world-beating exporter of the finest circular reasoning, along with jams, biscuits and flip flops.”
“In fact, when companies move their head-quarters and jobs out of the UK as a direct result of Brexit, this is a kind of export boom and Remainers should be doing more to acknowledge this success.”
By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez
The government is to create a Ministry of Silly Talks, David Davis has announced.
The announcement was made near the end of a rambling and incoherent speech in which the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union also admitted there is no actual plan for exiting the European Union.
Mr Davis said: “The Ministry of Silly Talks will allow me to spout complete bullshit about a variety of topics, not just Brexit as is currently the case, and in a manner that allows the Prime Minister to avoid the embarrassment of having to repeatedly disown my idiotic statements as merely my ‘personal opinion'”.
On the subject of post-Brexit trade, the minister added: “We want all the trade! On all the terms! And none of the bits! And good things for us! And bad things for you!”
Mr Davis also threatened to repeal the act of Parliament that gives the United States of America its independence unless the UK goes to the front of the queue in trade negotiations, adding that Britain has an independent nuclear deterrent and wouldn’t hesitate to use it.
Brushing aside the legitimate concerns of the Japanese government about Brexit, the Secretary of State retorted: “Who needs Japan anyway.”
“All they have is sushi and vending machines selling school girl underwear. It’s not like they actually make cars; we do that in Sunderland.”
By Jeff Sanchez and Johnny Zenith
Government ministers have demanded the immediate invention of virtual reality headsets that can superimpose a realistic graphical representation of a white British person on top of any black, asian or foreign person they may meet in the street, it has emerged.
Brexit minister David Davis said: “On the 23rd of June the people clearly voted for Britain to go back to its racist past and kick out all foreigners and non-whites.”
“However, leaving the EU is going to take several years and the economy is going to be in the toilet for several decades or more as a result. But many Brexiters cannot wait that long due to being in their 60s or 70s.”
“Therefore, a radical solution is urgently needed, and the invention of a virtual reality headset will allow Leave voters to live in the surreal fantasy dream-world that they voted for.”
“In the coming days the government will put out to tender a contract to develop and manufacture a Brexit VR device which has advanced technological capabilities, such as flagging and masking the negative impact of Brexit on daily life, or replacing non-white or foreign people with high definition texture maps depicting British people of good Aryan stock.”
The professional liar added: “But most importantly, the on-board software will also auto-correct the shape of evil EU bananas, add raw sewage to British beaches, and place a Judeo-Christian style halo above the head of national saviour Sir Nigel Farage OBE.”