Hardline Brexiteers have slammed Theresa May’s deal with the EU over a complete and utter lack of unicorns, it has been announced.
Conservative backbencher Jacob Rees Mogg said: “In the run up to the referendum we promised unicorns and the Government needs to respect the will of the people and give them the unicorns they clearly voted for.”
“It is disappointing to find that the Prime Minister has reached a deal which makes no mention whatsoever of unicorns. Although my nanny hasn’t read it to me yet, so I don’t know all the details, I feel duty bound to respect the sacred will of the people and thus reject it.”
“I also question why the agreement wasn’t written in a more elitist language such as Latin, which upper class twits like me often use to illustrate our supposed superiority over the masses.”
Leave voter Chris Bumfield from Plymouth said: “I disagree with Theresa May’s deal because it uses correct grammar and spelling throughout, and there are no instanced of isolated words being inexplicably written in ALL UPPER CASE. What’s more, the words their, there and they’re are all used correctly, making the whole thing completely unintelligible to people like me.”
“Arrogant Remoaners claim we didn’t know what we voted for, but I am very clear that Brexit means Brexit and we want all the unicorns we were promised during the referendum campaign. Where are my Brexit unicorns?”
I didn’t realise Britain was an island, Dominic Raab has admitted.
During a speech about Britain’s future outside the EU, the Brexit Secretary said: “The question of how we will be able to import food and medicines after we leave the EUSSR is way more complicated than I thought when I mindlessly decided leaving would be a good idea, and since being appointed Brexit Secretary I’ve had to do countless minutes of research into subjects like basic geography.”
“Some of what I have learnt has seriously blown my mind. For example, not a lot of people know that we live on an island, but after reading a Wikipedia entry I can confirm right now that Great Britain really is thought to be an island according to the best experts we have.”
“It is also separated from France by a narrow stretch of water, which is too deep to wade through, and some experts suggest it is usually impassable to lorries carrying food and other vital supplies, although our negotiating team aims to overturn this as we continue to flesh out a deal with the EU.”
Little boats will be requisitioned by the government to pick up vital supplies of food and medicine from beaches in France, the Government has announced.
Speaking to reporters, a jubilant Chris Grayling said: “I have been a minister for some years now, and thanks to my incredible incompetence I have fucked up literally everything I have ever been tasked with.”
“I’m like a reverse King Midas, because everything I touch turns to shit. And this is why the public should trust me to organize the bringing in of vital supplies of food and medicines once our self-imposed blockade begins next year.”
“The last time Britain was truly great was when we nearly lost the war and had to scramble to ferry British troops back from France, as shown in the recent Dunkirk film that ignored the important contributions made by our European allies and commonwealth forces.”
“We are pleased to announce that the Government is putting in place a plan to requisition a large number of small boats from marinas all along the South coast, to form a flotilla of little boats that will go in and pick up food and medicines from French beaches.”
Brexit supporter Chris Bumfield from Sunderland said: “We’ve gone from being told we’ll all be much better off when we leave the EU to having to requisition small boats to shuttle basic supplies across the channel to avoid mass starvation and tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths due to lack of medicines, but I still think we should leave because I definitely remember voting for Britain to become a kind of dystopian nightmare.”
“The Government should just get on with wrecking the economy and every single public service, even if it means living in Mad Max 3 but without the ending where they escape Barter Town and find somewhere nice to live.”
I will secure a Brexit deal that works best for my political survival, Theresa May has pledged today.
Speaking to Andrew Marr, the Prime Minister said: “I am very clear that I am working tirelessly to reach a Brexit deal that will allow me to stay in power, with all the financial benefits this entails for me and my husband who is very rich.”
“I am optimistic that a deal will soon be reached between the different factions of the Conservative Party, which will allow the UK to leave the EU in a hard Brexit while still retaining our full membership of the EU and having Norway and Canada Plus Plus arrangements at the same time.”
“David Cameron called the referendum to heal divisions in the Conservative Party, and I now urge my Tory colleagues to come together in harmony to fight for our common purpose, stamping down on the most vulnerable in society, instead of fighting each other.”
The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg immediately took to Twitter to praise the Prime Minister’s approach to Brexit in a series of tweets: “Brilliant words from our caring and benevolent Dear Leader today. It’s clear the people love her and want her to stay on as PM for life.”
Kuenssberg’s tweet was followed up by “Conservatives now well ahead in polls thanks to genius May’s string of victories over the EUSSR. Violent momentum conspiracy theorists claim media bias is real cause, but my research shows it’s because Corbyn is a sick vampire antichrist.”
It is in the national interest to suspend democracy for a while, to prevent the people from stopping Brexit or voting me out of power, Theresa May has announced.
Speaking to journalists on a flight to the United States, the Prime Minister said: “I am on my way to lick the boots of President Trump, and I have better things to do than contemplate trivial matters like whether the public want to be ruled by a far-right authoritarian, or whether we should crash the economy and leave the little people to starve to death in the aftermath.”
“It is simply not in the national interest to let the public have a say at this point, because there’s a chance they might boot me out of power and stop Brexit.”
“I am clear that the public chose this strong and stable government to rule over them after a fair and democratic election, and it is despicable that some antisemites and terrorist sympathisers are now agitating to overthrow the Will of the People via the ballot box.”
“However, I am willing to allow an election in 2022, by which time we’ll be out of the EU with no deal, the NHS will have been sold off to American corporations, and hundreds of thousands of low net worth individuals will have died as a result of Universal Credit.”
The European Union must respect the lies we told to secure the Leave vote, leading Brexiters have insisted today.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, one high profile Brexiter said: “It’s all very well for European leaders to expose us a blatant liars, but the people have spoken and the EU must now respect our lies. We have every right to demand unearned respect for our insane proposals.”
“The will of the people is clear, and what they want is to have all the benefits of being in the EU, and to also have all of the benefits of being outside the EU as well. Now the EU are legally obliged to deliver on the dishonest promises I made.”
“Although the Pound is in free fall and the economy is stagnating, there are still plenty of benefits to leaving the EU ahead of us. The main benefit I foresee is that the gap between the richest and the poorest will grow exponentially, rewarding high net worth individuals for the hard work that they or their ancestors did to rob the poor of what little wealth they had.”
“Rich tax dodgers will also reap the benefits of avoiding the EU’s new rules on tax avoidance. This is likely to fuel a boom in rich people buying a second Ferrari and renovating the basements of their spacious town houses. The trickle down effect of this will surely be felt by Ferrari dealers and tax accountants across the home counties.”
“As originally promised, the NHS will benefit immeasurably when we leave the EU, when American healthcare companies will be invited to come asset strip our hospitals, providing huge efficiency savings for the taxpayer. Our leaner, meaner and more profitable healthcare system will also offer much more choice than at present. For instance, poor people are always telling me they want the NHS to be starved of funding so that the rich can have lower taxes, thereby stimulating creation of jobs that can help poor people pay for private health cover.”
Walkers Crisps will add a new flavour to their line of potato crisps after coming under pressure from Brexit voters, it has been announced.
Speaking to the BBC, the CEO of Walkers Crisps said: “Walkers Crisps has been the subject of fierce protests on social media due to our links to Gary Lineker. We have listened to the concerns of Brexit voters, and have added an exciting new flavour to our line of crisps.”
“Our new Gammon flavour crisps will allow Brexit voters enjoy our delicious potato crisps without compromising their values of blind nationalism and hatred of anyone who is different or has a different opinion to them.”
“We also feel Brexiters should get exactly what they voted for, and because of this our new Gammon flavour crisps will be priced significantly above our other flavours, to reflect the economic damage that Leave voters have knowngly brought upon British industry and consumers.”
“At £3.50 per bag, Gammon flavour crisps are the ideal accompaniment for the beans on toast dinner that the average Leave voter will eat for the next 20 years while the economy recovers from their preferred ‘Mad Max’ Brexit.”
Based on a meme by Dave Poole.
By Dorothy Hotdog an Jeff Sanchez
Food shortages that are expected to result from Brexit offer an amazing opportunity for the poor to diet, the Brexit Secretary has claimed.
Speaking to Piers Morgan on breakfast TV, Dominic Raab said: “Brexit offers a multitude of amazing opportunities for Britain, including the chance for the rich to get even richer, the chance for xenophobes to have blue passports, and opportunities for the poor to go on a crash diet and subsequently die of starvation.”
“Families who use food banks may not be able to stockpile food in time for Brexit Day, and that is why this Government will be sending out a leaflet with hints and tips for how people can grow their own food. Older members of the public will be pleased with our inclusion of a number of traditional British delicacies, such as jellied earthworms and Nettle tea.”
“The British people will have the incredible opportunity to draw on the character forming Irish Potato Famine, and this is just one of many ways that Brexit food shortages can bring the country together in mass starvation.”
“The royal family is to be employed in showing people how they can grow their own vegetables. We will also boost public morale by restarting the Clean For The Queen campaign, this time making it compulsory for all benefit claimants to clean a Tory MP’s home.”
“Even if you have just a small plant pot in your miniscule flat in London, you can still grow a healthy potato plant and feed your family for at least two days.”
By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez
David Davis has negotiated a bespoke resignation deal that would allow him to keep his ministerial salary and continue to attend Cabinet meetings, he has announced.
Speaking to reporters, the former Minister for Exiting the European Union said? “I spent two years getting paid a ministerial salary for doing absolutely nothing, and I do not see why that should not continue now that I have voted to leave the Government.”
“I have negotiated a bespoke deal with Theresa May that would allow me to continue to receive a ministerial salary, have use of ministerial car, and attend Cabinet meetings as before. This is what I was voting for when I decided to resign my ministerial post, and the will of the person must be respected.”
“Of course, when I say I have negotiated a bespoke deal, what I really mean is I have invented a fantasy proposal in my own mind and I plan to present it to the Prime Minister later today. The Prime Minister will definitely agree to all my demands, however outrageous or unrealistic, because the Government need me more they I need them.”
However, Number 10 issued a statement on behalf of the Prime Minister, saying: “Let me be clear: Resignation means resignation. Mr Davis’s plans to cherry pick a deal are completely unacceptable. Either you are in or out of my government.”
“But let me also be clear that the opposition from the EU to my own cherry picking are unacceptable, and they seem unable to understand we can and will have our cake and eat it.”
David Davis has resigned from his post, to be able to spend more time with his magical fantasies, it has been announced.
The former Brexit Secretary explained: “For years I have lived in a surreal fantasy dream world where the normal laws of physics do not apply, allowing me to avoid the reality of a realistic Brexit.”
“But when forced to agree to a workable plan for Brexit that does not involve economic catastrophe and mass job losses, I have been given no choice except to resign in protest.”
“I now look forward to spending more time with my magical fantasies, where unicorns roam freely across purple plains while singing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.”