Tag Archives: brexit

David Davis has negotiated “bespoke resignation deal” and will keep ministerial salary and perks

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

David Davis has negotiated a bespoke resignation deal that would allow him to keep his ministerial salary and continue to attend Cabinet meetings, he has announced.

Speaking to reporters, the former Minister for Exiting the European Union said? “I spent two years getting paid a ministerial salary for doing absolutely nothing, and I do not see why that should not continue now that I have voted to leave the Government.”

“I have negotiated a bespoke deal with Theresa May that would allow me to continue to receive a ministerial salary, have use of  ministerial car, and attend Cabinet meetings as before. This is what I was voting for when I decided to resign my ministerial post, and the will of the person must be respected.”

“Of course, when I say I have negotiated a bespoke deal, what I really mean is I have invented a fantasy proposal in my own mind and I plan to present it to the Prime Minister later today. The Prime Minister will definitely agree to all my demands, however outrageous or unrealistic, because the Government need me more they I need them.”

However, Number 10 issued a statement on behalf of the Prime Minister, saying: “Let me be clear: Resignation means resignation. Mr Davis’s plans to cherry pick a deal are completely unacceptable. Either you are in or out of my government.”

“But let me also be clear that the opposition from the EU to my own cherry picking are unacceptable, and they seem unable to understand we can and will have our cake and eat it.”

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David Davis resigns to spend more time with his magical fantasies

David Davis has resigned from his post, to be able to spend more time with his magical fantasies, it has been announced.

The former Brexit Secretary explained: “For years I have lived in a surreal fantasy dream world where the normal laws of physics do not apply, allowing me to avoid the reality of a realistic Brexit.”

“But when forced to agree to a workable plan for Brexit that does not involve economic catastrophe and mass job losses, I have been given no choice except to resign in protest.”

“I now look forward to spending more time with my magical fantasies, where unicorns roam freely across purple plains while singing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.”

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Cave divers find Tory party and are now trying to guide it to Brexit

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Cave divers have found the Tory party trapped in a cave and are now trying to guide it to Brexit, it has been reported.

Speaking to reporters, the head of the Cave rescue Service said: “We received a frantic call early this morning to report a party of extremist nutters who need rescuing from deep within a flooded cave.”

“They appear to have  survived in the dark for two years by eating themselves, and if they don’t get out soon, there it is feared they will consume Theresa May.”

“We are doing our best to coax them out to safety, but the group is more interested in bickering amongst themselves over how best to screw over the poor, and Boris just wants to be leader and doesn’t give a shit about getting the rest of the group to safety.”

“We’ve explained several plausible rescue plans to them over the radio, but the group keeps demanding that we follow their own impossible and unrealistic plan.”

“It’s as though they have no interest or understanding of basic facts, and believe they can make their wildest fantasies come true simply through wishful thinking and pig-headed stubbornness.”

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Tories to immediately withdraw England from World Cup “to respect referendum result”

England are to be withdrawn from the FIFA World Cup in order to respect the will of the people, a spokesman has confirmed.

Speaking at a press conference at the headquarters of the FA, the spokesman said: “The Prime Minister has instructed the Football Association to withdraw England from the FIFA World Cup effective immediately, in preparation for the 2018 Commonwealth Football Cup which will be held in Belize during November and December, and the FA are pleased to confirm that we have formally given notice of our withdrawal from both FIFA and UEFA.”

Asked by a Sun reporter whether he accepts that “the will of the people is to quit the World Cup like Rupert Murdoch says it is”, Gareth Southgate replied cautiously: “It’s not ideal because England still had a chance of reaching the final of the FIFA World Cup, having reached the quarter finals tonight after our victory over Colombia, and the lads are understandably disappointed to be going home early, but we have to accept at the end of the day this isn’t a democracy and Theresa May’s iron will must be obeyed.”

Also in attendance was Matthew Hancock, the Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, who told reporters: “We are proud to announce England’s immediate withdrawal from the World Cup, freeing our once proud footballing nation from the shackles of the unelected and corrupt supranational body called FIFA.”

“British fans will soon be able to enjoy exciting fixtures such as Barbados vs England, Wales vs Nauru and Canada vs Scotland. Our researchers have predicted that Harry Kane will win the Commonwealth Golden Boot award with between 100 and 150 goals due to the low quality opposition, and we believe an easy England victory will provide a much needed morale boost for gammons at a time when Brexit is turning out to be pretty shit.”

 

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Companies leaving UK because of high confidence in Brexit Britain, claims Iain Duncan Smith

Companies are leaving the UK en masse because they are so confident in Brexit Britain, Iain Duncan Smith has claimed.

Speaking on the BBC, the former Minister for Manslaughter said: “No companies are leaving the UK, not a single one, and those that are leaving are doing so because they are extremely confident in Brexit Britain.”

“They are merely taking my advice and seeking out new opportunities in other parts of the world, in ways that they never would have done before our proud country threw off the shackes and protections of the EU.”

“You can trust me on this, and as you know I’ve never been wrong about anything. I am the visionary who came up with Universal Credit, and it was me who coined the phrase ‘work sets you free’ shortly after I visited a concentration camp in the EU.”

“People often come up to me and thank me for ruining their life, but they also ask me to tell them how Brexit can benefit them personally. The answer is simple: anyone can set up an offshore trust and use it to avoid paying any UK tax, thereby saving themselves thousands of pounds a year and making Britain a country we can truly be proud of.”

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Invisible magic door would solve Northern Ireland border issue, says David Davis

An invisible magic door would solve the Northern Ireland border issue, the Brexit Secretary has claimed.

Writing in the Sun, David Davis said: “Northern Ireland could be in and out of the EU at the same time, but if that idea is rejected by the EU then I propose we invent an invisible magic door to solve the Irish border problem.”

“In recent years Britain has become a world leader in magical thinking, and we could bring in the best minds to work out the exact details of how our invisible magical door would work.”

“The door would be large enough to allow articulated lorries to pass through, automatically scanning their freight load and applying import duties, but obviously would prevent immigrants and criminals from entering,”

Iain Duncan Smith has reportedly asked whether the magic door could have an iron sign above it showing the words “work sets you free”, and for the road leading through the buffer zone to be lined with crucified benefit claimants.

The former Minister For Manslaughter said: “This initiative represents an excellent opportunity to hound the poor and vulnerable, in a way that will appeal to sick right wingers who vote Conservative.”

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John Bercow under fire for calling stupid woman “a stupid woman”

John Bercow has come under fire after saying that someone who is actually stupid is stupid, it has been reported.

The Speaker of the House of Commons is alleged to have called Andrea Leadsom a “stupid woman” and “fucking useless”, both of which are demonstrably true.

Cabinet member Leadsom has made a number of visionary proposals, such as getting young people to take up fruit picking jobs, and making tea, biscuits and jam central to British trade plans after Brexit.

Speaking to the Sun, Leadsom said: “I am outraged that the Speaker, who is not a Brexiter and regularly thwarts the will of the people, has outed me as a stupid woman who is fucking useless.”

“I should have been allowed to come out as stupid and fucking useless in my own time, when I felt the time was right, not in the midst of a Parliamentary debate where we were trying to turn Britain into a fascist dictatorship.”

“I mean, I have a lot of respect for John but he needs to understand that the people voted for whatever it is morons like me decide to do with the Brexit mandate, even if it means turning Britain into a post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

 

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Scientists discover first known Leave voter who can spell and construct sentences without using all capitals

Scientists have discovered first known example of a Leave voter who can spell and construct sentences without using all capitals, it has been reported.

Professor Chris Bumfield, who heads the Brexit Science Institute at the University of Life, said: “Leave voters have gained a bad reputation online, due in part to their poor spelling and excessive use of capital letters.”

“When the Department for Exiting the European awarded us funding to search for intelligent life among Leave voters, we immediately set about trawling the internet in search of these mythical people.”

“After hundreds of hours of painstaking searching, we are proud to announce the discovery of a single Leave voter who can spell and make judicious use of capital letters.”

But the discovery is not without caveats, as Professor Bumfield explains: “However, even if Leave voters use correct spelling and avoid capitalising every fucking word, the substance of what they write is nevertheless completely free from rational thought, and thus makes no sense whatsoever.”

Commenting on the groundbreaking discovery, Brexit Minister David Davis said: “You don’t have to be very intelligent to support leaving the EU, and I know I’m not intelligent by any meaning of the word, but this anecdotal evidence proves once and for all that intelligence and voting Leave are not mutually exclusive.”

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BBC’s Countryfile accused of blatant and rabid pro-remain bias

By Johnny Zenith and Jeff Sanchez

BBC’s Countryfile programme has been accused of blatant, rabid and sick pro-remain bias, it has been reported.

Numerous viewers phoned in to complain that this week’s programme looked at the challenges British agriculture is expected to face after the country leaves the EU, instead of focusing on a white, former commonwealth country like New Zealand.

Writing on the BBC’s website, viewer Peter Hamface of Wart-On-Wirral, said: “It’s disgusting. I’m so blinded by Anti-EU rhetoric that the moment Countryfile didn’t promote the great virtues of Brexit I put my foot through the television screen. I will be billing the BBC for another one, of course”.

Angry from Brexiton, Devon, commented: “Appalled by the blatant attempts to brainwash the over 90s into changing their minds over Brexit. We didn’t need to know any of the facts to know what we were voting for, and we don’t want any of your tricky facts now, thank you very much, because they might change our minds.”

And on social media, one user wrote: “When I tune in to Cuntryfile I don’t want to see nothing on about furrinners not wanting to pick froot in our lubberly fields GO Go home STOP Mooaning YErr LUCKY TO BE HERE AFTER WE saved you WW2 you’d speak German.”

As the furore grows, the Prime Mnister has ordered an immediate inquiry into pro-remain bias on Countryfile, telling Parliament: “The BBC are meant to support the aims of this Government as we carry out the will of the people. This means each and every programme, from Question Time to Teletubbies, must make the strongest possible case not only for Tory rule, but also for a hard Brexit.”

“I am very clear the Countryfile team have shown a disappointing lack of commitment to my strong and stable cause, and that is why I have ordered an urgent inquiry into how the right wing media can be used to smear the traitors responsible, and how we might also blame Jeremy Corbyn for the entirely predictable collapse of British agriculture.”

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We won two world wars and one world cup so we can do anything, Brexiters claim

The fact that the country has won two World Wars and one World Cup means we can achieve anything, leading Brexiters have claimed.

Responding to questions about his competence, chief Brexiter David Davis said: “If there’s one thing the 2017 film Dunkirk has taught us, it’s that Britain can easily make a frantic wthdrawal from Europe without any real sacrifices being made by the elite.”

“We won two World Wars and One World Cup, which means we can achieve anything we want, however ludicrous or unrealistic. All our Brexit unicorns will materialise as long as we keep the Blitz spirit alive by singing ‘two world wars and one world cup’ throughout the negotiations with Brussels.”

The Secretary of State for Making Cockups added: “If we put our minds to it, we will easily replace all our lost EU trade with better, more patriotic trade with smaller economies who aren’t all that interested in trading with us.”

Commenting on the statement by Mr Davis, the Hard Brexiter Jacob Rees Mogg said: “The’re no real evidence for it, but it’s an established political fact that Britain won both wars alone, with no outside assistance whatsoever.”

“We didn’t need allies in 1914-1918 or 1939-1945, and we sure as hell don’t need trading partners now, because over in the United States there are numerous companies licking their lips at the prospect of buying up the NHS and other public services for peanuts, which they will then rightly run for profit instead of for some communist public good.”

“Also, people should remember that the 1966 World Cup Final is the only one that counts, just as the 2016 referendum on leaving the EU is the only vote that counts.”

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