Tag Archives: brexit

John Bercow under fire for calling stupid woman “a stupid woman”

John Bercow has come under fire after saying that someone who is actually stupid is stupid, it has been reported.

The Speaker of the House of Commons is alleged to have called Andrea Leadsom a “stupid woman” and “fucking useless”, both of which are demonstrably true.

Cabinet member Leadsom has made a number of visionary proposals, such as getting young people to take up fruit picking jobs, and making tea, biscuits and jam central to British trade plans after Brexit.

Speaking to the Sun, Leadsom said: “I am outraged that the Speaker, who is not a Brexiter and regularly thwarts the will of the people, has outed me as a stupid woman who is fucking useless.”

“I should have been allowed to come out as stupid and fucking useless in my own time, when I felt the time was right, not in the midst of a Parliamentary debate where we were trying to turn Britain into a fascist dictatorship.”

“I mean, I have a lot of respect for John but he needs to understand that the people voted for whatever it is morons like me decide to do with the Brexit mandate, even if it means turning Britain into a post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

 

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Scientists discover first known Leave voter who can spell and construct sentences without using all capitals

Scientists have discovered first known example of a Leave voter who can spell and construct sentences without using all capitals, it has been reported.

Professor Chris Bumfield, who heads the Brexit Science Institute at the University of Life, said: “Leave voters have gained a bad reputation online, due in part to their poor spelling and excessive use of capital letters.”

“When the Department for Exiting the European awarded us funding to search for intelligent life among Leave voters, we immediately set about trawling the internet in search of these mythical people.”

“After hundreds of hours of painstaking searching, we are proud to announce the discovery of a single Leave voter who can spell and make judicious use of capital letters.”

But the discovery is not without caveats, as Professor Bumfield explains: “However, even if Leave voters use correct spelling and avoid capitalising every fucking word, the substance of what they write is nevertheless completely free from rational thought, and thus makes no sense whatsoever.”

Commenting on the groundbreaking discovery, Brexit Minister David Davis said: “You don’t have to be very intelligent to support leaving the EU, and I know I’m not intelligent by any meaning of the word, but this anecdotal evidence proves once and for all that intelligence and voting Leave are not mutually exclusive.”

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BBC’s Countryfile accused of blatant and rabid pro-remain bias

By Johnny Zenith and Jeff Sanchez

BBC’s Countryfile programme has been accused of blatant, rabid and sick pro-remain bias, it has been reported.

Numerous viewers phoned in to complain that this week’s programme looked at the challenges British agriculture is expected to face after the country leaves the EU, instead of focusing on a white, former commonwealth country like New Zealand.

Writing on the BBC’s website, viewer Peter Hamface of Wart-On-Wirral, said: “It’s disgusting. I’m so blinded by Anti-EU rhetoric that the moment Countryfile didn’t promote the great virtues of Brexit I put my foot through the television screen. I will be billing the BBC for another one, of course”.

Angry from Brexiton, Devon, commented: “Appalled by the blatant attempts to brainwash the over 90s into changing their minds over Brexit. We didn’t need to know any of the facts to know what we were voting for, and we don’t want any of your tricky facts now, thank you very much, because they might change our minds.”

And on social media, one user wrote: “When I tune in to Cuntryfile I don’t want to see nothing on about furrinners not wanting to pick froot in our lubberly fields GO Go home STOP Mooaning YErr LUCKY TO BE HERE AFTER WE saved you WW2 you’d speak German.”

As the furore grows, the Prime Mnister has ordered an immediate inquiry into pro-remain bias on Countryfile, telling Parliament: “The BBC are meant to support the aims of this Government as we carry out the will of the people. This means each and every programme, from Question Time to Teletubbies, must make the strongest possible case not only for Tory rule, but also for a hard Brexit.”

“I am very clear the Countryfile team have shown a disappointing lack of commitment to my strong and stable cause, and that is why I have ordered an urgent inquiry into how the right wing media can be used to smear the traitors responsible, and how we might also blame Jeremy Corbyn for the entirely predictable collapse of British agriculture.”

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We won two world wars and one world cup so we can do anything, Brexiters claim

The fact that the country has won two World Wars and one World Cup means we can achieve anything, leading Brexiters have claimed.

Responding to questions about his competence, chief Brexiter David Davis said: “If there’s one thing the 2017 film Dunkirk has taught us, it’s that Britain can easily make a frantic wthdrawal from Europe without any real sacrifices being made by the elite.”

“We won two World Wars and One World Cup, which means we can achieve anything we want, however ludicrous or unrealistic. All our Brexit unicorns will materialise as long as we keep the Blitz spirit alive by singing ‘two world wars and one world cup’ throughout the negotiations with Brussels.”

The Secretary of State for Making Cockups added: “If we put our minds to it, we will easily replace all our lost EU trade with better, more patriotic trade with smaller economies who aren’t all that interested in trading with us.”

Commenting on the statement by Mr Davis, the Hard Brexiter Jacob Rees Mogg said: “The’re no real evidence for it, but it’s an established political fact that Britain won both wars alone, with no outside assistance whatsoever.”

“We didn’t need allies in 1914-1918 or 1939-1945, and we sure as hell don’t need trading partners now, because over in the United States there are numerous companies licking their lips at the prospect of buying up the NHS and other public services for peanuts, which they will then rightly run for profit instead of for some communist public good.”

“Also, people should remember that the 1966 World Cup Final is the only one that counts, just as the 2016 referendum on leaving the EU is the only vote that counts.”

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Leave voters surprised to learn the war ended more than 70 years ago

Leave voters have been surprised to learn that the Second World War has been over for more than 70 years, it has been reported.

Leave voter Chris Bumfield, from Barnsley said: “Churchill and Hitler both sought to unify Europe into a single political structure, albeit by different means.”

“But because my brain has been destroyed by decades of lies and propaganda from the right wing fake news media, I have chosen to associate the concept of a European Union with the Nazis instead of Churchill, despite the fact that I hold quite similar political beliefs to the Nazis myself.”

“Of course, even a school child could spot the glaring inconsistency in my reasoning that the EU is bad because Hitler tried to unify Europe, and my insistence in also calling it the EUSSR.”

“Logically, the EU cannot be both Nazi and communist at the same time, but as a hard line Brexiter my mind is unconstrained by logical thought, or concern for the younger generations who will be forced to live this idiotic decision for the rest of their lives.”

“All I know is we must leave the EU immediately. We’re not stupid fools who were taken in by obvious lies and propaganda.  We know what we voted for and we don’t care about any of the details.”

“Whatever the deal turns out to be, however hard or soft a Brexit we get, that is precisely what we voted for.”

“You have to remember, I was born in the early fifties when the Second World War was at its peak, and war against Europe is all I have known. But with Brexit, two world wars and one world cup maybe finally we can declare victory over the EUSSR once and for all.”

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David Davis awarded honorary doctorate by University of Life

David Davis has been awarded an honorary doctorate by the University of Life, it has been announced.

The university’s Vice Chancellor, Professor Chris Bumfield, said: “In recognition of the extraordinary work David Davis has done towards a destructive and racist Brexit, we are extremely proud to award him an honorary Ph.D. in the area of Brexit Science.”

“The way he finessed the question of the simultaneous existence and non-existence of those 58 sectorial impact studies was a tour de force, and is an example of the high quality Brexit Science that this university is keen to promote.”

The University of Life is Britain’s fastest growing university, and its stated aims include giving its students negative IQs by the end of their three-year course, by replacing rational, fact-based thought processes with magical thinking that defies all logic. Its most popular course is the PhD programme in the area of Brexit Science, which has attracted record funding from the government in an attempt to find elusive reasons why leaving the EU might improve the country.

Accepting his diploma, David Davis said: “The University of Life is at the forefront of our brave efforts to reduce Britain to a herd of idiotic sheep who will do and vote exactly as the ruling tell them.”

“It provides validation to people who are basically stupid but want to make believe that a lifetime of watching TV and reading the Sun are equivalent or better than having actually learnt to think at an actual university or college.”

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David Davis agrees to buy sofa from DFS at the full price

By Dorothy Hotdog

David Davis has agreed to buy a sofa from DFS at the full price, it has been announced.

The triumphant Brexit Secretary said: “I entered DFS with red lines. It was important to get a larger sofa than the last one, and pay nothing for it. I am pleased to say those red lines have been preserved and I have only paid twice as much for a smaller sofa”

“I did agree to wash the salesman’s car every Sunday for a year too.”

“We need to look beyond that at the real impact the new sofa will have on Ten Downing Street”

“Britons will now see the clear progress that has been made, and will continue to be made, as we transition from our old sitting arrangement to the new one.”

Following the loss of the three seater sofa, and its replacement with a two seater, Mr. Davis is expected to be made to sit on the floor during meetings.

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Farage ‘deeply unhappy’ that Brexit deal failed to mention concentration camps

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has expressed his dismay at that Brexit deal does not mention putting foreigners in concentration camps.

Mr Farage told a radio interviewer: “I am deeply unhappy about the deal that Theresa May has struck with the EU, because it fails to achieve a number of key things we all secretly voted for, including rounding foreigners up and putting them in concentration camps while we ponder how best to dispose of them.”

“Numerous studies have shown that Leave voters tend to be racist and bigoted, and often just want foreigners, ethnic minorities, and LGBT people sent back to where they came from. This means any deal with the EUSSR must address the desire to get rid of foreigners and make Britain into a fully fledged fascist state.”

“Of course, when I say we need to get rid of foreigners, that obviously doesn’t apply to fruity European women I would like to have it off with behind my German wife’s back.”

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Release of complete Brexit reports is ‘against the sacred will of the people’, claims David Davis

Releasing unedited versions of the Brexit impact reports would defy the sacred will of the people, David Davis has claimed.

Addressing Parliament, the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union and Wrecking the Economy said:”I stand before you as a great defender of the sacred will of the people, standing firm against agents of traitorous transparency.”

“There is nothing more sacred in our democracy than the will of the people as expressed on June 23rd 2017, when a concerted campaign of lies tricked the people into voting for a huge fall in living standards.”

“The people voted to leave the European Union without understanding any of the consequences whatsoever. The people must now respect their own flawed decision and let me get on with ruining their lives in ways that Tories do best.”

“The need to respect the sacred will of the people is what prevents me today from releasing the full, unredacted reports on the incredibly negative impact of Brexit.”

“If the people were to be informed of the terrifying ramifications of leaving the EU, I have no doubt that a great many leave voters would immediately switch to remain, in defiance of the will of the people.”

“As someone who respects democracy, that cannot be allowed to happen.”

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This fantastic anti Brexit comment has been going viral on social media

This comment about Brexit in the Guardian has been going viral. It sums up very well how much of the country now feel about Brexit and the people who are forcing the country off the cliff-edge and towards the imminent destruction of not just the economy, but the very fabric of Britain itself.

“Thank you brexiters. You have succeeded in doing what no Armada, airforce, enemy or war has done in 300 years. You’ve made Britain small.

Your vote has manifestly and undeniably reduced this country. You have diminished us in the eyes of the world. Our power has been lessened, our influence has declined, we no longer have the same reach and standing.

You’ve lost us our seat on the international court. You’ve lost us our banks access to Europe. You’ve lost us our position as the cutting edge of European research. You’ve lost us any influence over our European neighbours and friends and as a consequence of that the rest of the world too.

You’ve turned this country into a backwater. You’ve made us a little people on a little island on the periphery of world events.

Taking back control? You’ve given all our power away for a sack full of dreams and a belly full of bile.

Why?

Why have you done this? I don’t understand. What is it? What is this grand dream that you believe we’ve lost and that leaving the EU will bring back?

Is it possible that I’m the only British person alive today that has no clue as to what we’re meant to be fighting for? I literally have no idea what you brexiters want. I know what we’re meant to be against, but not one positive thing we’re meant to be striving towards in this new non European Britain. It seems to be something to do with churchill but other than than not a clue. It also seems that as I don’t know what this shared dream is meant to be then somehow you believe I’m now a traitor, why?

So brexiters please tell us all what you’re for, what you want? What is this “control” you claim to want so badly? What is it control over?

I’m not sure you actually understand yourselves. I think it’s a feeling you’re craving, a feeling of control over a world that is passing you by. I don’t think it amounts to any more than that. You want our country to bend to feelings and that’s it. You’re after obtaining the intangible and ephemeral by dismantling the real and permanent.

So please brexiters if you want me to pronounce shibboleth can you please have the decency of saying it out loud first. Give me a clue as to what you want us to be?”

The above comment was originally posted under a Guardian article by user ‘Tintenfische‘.

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