By Horace McSavage
Spineless Boris Johnson reacted meekly earlier to news that his long lost backbone has been found washed up on a French beach.
Johnson, whose spine had been missing since the EU referendum, hinted that a reunion with his backbone was unlikely before any Tory leadership contest.
“What kind of cowardly opportunist would I be if I were to suddenly find my backbone and take responsibility for my actions?”
Johnson continued “I’ll just wait for a safer time to launch a leadership bid, long after the Brexit negotiations have gone tits up.”
At least for now, the spine will remain detached from it’s lily-livered owner. And while it remains uncertain what the long-term future holds for it, sources close to the spine have hinted that Johnson may never be in possession of a backbone ever again.
The search for Michael Gove’s guts and David Davis’ brain continues.
Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog
Theresa May has restated her determination to drive the country off a cliff as part of her government’s plan to press ahead with Brexit, it has been confirmed.
Speaking from behind an impenetrable cordon of riot police, the Prime Minister told journalists: “I am in power and I intend to hang on for long enough to drive the country over the edge of the cliff., according to the will of the people as expressed by the Daily Mail.”
“All those people who want me out of power immediately, who probably constitute a majority of voters and business leaders, should respect the will of the people and let me get on with negotiating a Brexit deal that is in the best interest of me and my party of nutters.”
“Not only am I the best politician in the history of this country, I am also an amazing negotiator and only I can get the right deal for Britain, through my idiot proxy David Davis. Although the talks have only just started, but already we have secured a number of great victories against our imagined European enemy.”
“Our plan for exiting the European Union is like a divorce. We will refuse to co-operate at all with anything, lose the house and the kids, and finally be free of everything that has held us down. We will then live in the bedsit of victory rather than a mansion of defeat.”
Britain needs way more xenophobia and a few more decades of Tory rule, Theresa May has decided.
Speaking to one of the BBC’s Tory journalists, the Prime Minister said: “If Britain is to experience the joys of another 5 years of Tory rule, we’re going to have to increase the intensity of the xenophobia that has spread across Britain thanks to right-wing shits like me.”
“It’s the only way the establishment can divert the people’s anger away from the real cause of their problems: people like me, whose selfish and cruel policies are what makes ordinary people’s lives hell on Earth, and onto a carefully chosen scapegoat demographic like foreigners.”
“If the people were ever to catch on to our dirty little scheme in large numbers, there would be a bloody revolution overnight. But thankfully, our friends at the Sun and other tabloids have long been experts at convincing a majority of the people that it’s in their own best interests to vote for a party that always shafts them.”
“Although the traditional media will die out eventually to be replaced by online media, by that time we are confident that cuts and privatisation will have degraded educational standards to such an extent that critical thinking skills have become extinct in the working and middle classes.”
Asked about whether opposition should be allowed in Brexit Britain, Mrs May said: “I would never ban opposition to my iron rule, except in exceptional case where suspected saboteurs attempted to overturn the will of the people as defined by me, or where opposition parties attempted to overthrow my rule via the ballot box.”
“It makes me sick to the stomach to think of people like [World Cup hero] Gary Lineker using their fame to espouse compassion and decency towards the hundreds of thousands of potential terrorists and benefit cheats who enter the country each year, some of whom are children fleeing wars that people like me help perpetuate.”
Theresa May has been awarded the Victoria Cross for heroism in her ‘Battle for Britain’, Theresa May has announced.
Speaking outside Number 10, the Prime Minister declared: “I have for many years been at the forefront of the Battle for Brexit Britain, first sowing seeds of hatred and xenophobia as Home Secretary, and now waging war on immigrants from the EU and their loved ones.”
“This is a war that has been forced upon us by the fact that we Tories have plundered the country so gratuitously that a major distraction was required, but thankfully we are winning thanks to the brave actions I have taken against our carefully chosen scapegoats – the foreigners who had the audacity to come here to contribute to Britain and make a new life.”
“I am the greatest war leader this country has ever had, and in recognition of my heroism I am proud to announce that I am awarding myself the Victoria Cross, along with a cash prize of £350 million on top of the already substantial profits my husband made as a consequence of massive economic turbulence caused by my recklessness.”
“And if my reich lasts a thousand years, the tabloids will still say this was my finest hour.”
By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog
Southern Trains has been awarded a contract to transport EU migrants to Brexit concentration camps, it has been announced.
Speaking outside Parliament, the Secretary of State for Transport and Brexit Concentration Camps said: “Southern Trains have a long and successful history of transporting virtual slaves on an overcrowded and unreliable rail service, where commuters regularly experience conditions comparable to the Holocaust trains employed by the strong and stable leadership of Nazi Germany.”
“In light of the misery and suffering Southern have already achieved on their commuter services, the Government strongly believe the company is well placed to coldly and efficiently transport unwelcome foreigners and opposition saboteurs to new homes in one of several G4S concentration camps, where Iain Duncan Smith will then teach them that work sets you free.”
A spokesman for Southern Trains said: “We are proud to have been selected by the Government to play an active role in the persecution of their chosen scapegoats.”
“Our company has been transporting commuters of London and the South East to a fate worse than death, in cramped and unsanitary conditions, on a daily basis for a number of years now.”
“Thanks to the continued degradation of our service, there will be no need for Southern Trains to make any changes when we begin to run the Tory death camp trains.”
However, a spokeswoman for a rail passenger association said: “If the Nazis had been as shit a Southern Trains then no one would have ever arrived at Auschwitz.”
Patriotic Britons should boycott continental European products that are better than British ones, John Redwood has demanded.
Speaking to the BBC’s least biased journalist, Laura Kuenssberg, Mr Redwood said: “Patriotic Britons should further reduce their quality of life by restricting themselves to purchase only those products that are not made elsewhere in the European Union.”
“British patriots have no legitimate need for reliable German cars, quality french wines, or delicious produce from Southern Europe, so I call on all true Britons to boycott products that are imported from continental Europe.”
“It is high time that the lower and middle classes learn how to make do and mend in the spirit of the Blitz, which was a truly glorious time in our island story, while spivs like me and my friends continue to enjoy the luxuries and privilege that our wealth and connections allow.”
A new poll by the Government shows that 120 per cent of the public are now fully behind Brexit, a spokesman has announced.
Speaking to the press, the Government spokesman said: “A new poll commissioned by us shows very clearly that the will of the people is now solidly behind Brexit, with 120 per cent of people now strongly supportive of leaving the EU and perpetual Tory rule.”
“On the day of the referendum, only a minority of the public wanted to leave the EU. But thanks to our campaign of lies and aggressive propaganda the people are casting off the shackles of critical thinking, and are slowly but surely uniting behind our plan for a patriotic Brexit.”
“We are currently planning to conduct another poll, this time showing the popularity of Britain’s most loved Prime Minister, Theresa May, and the unpopularity of the evil Labour Party.”
Our Lord Jesus Christ died on the cross so the UK could eventually leave the European Union, Theresa May has announced.
Speaking to a pro-government presenter on the BBC, the Prime Minister said: “I was consulting God about government policy the other day as I often do , and when the subject of Brexit came up He reminded me that Jesus died on the cross specifically to enable the UK’s exit from the EU.”
“He also gave me the strongest possible assurance that all Remoaners who refuse to accept the will of the people, as expressed by my own iron will, are to face eternal torture in Hell.”
However, atheists and Remainers have not responded favourably to what many see as a cynical attempt to associate Brexit with piety and godliness.
Leading atheist Richard Dawkins said: “What a crock of shit. It’s mad enough that the Prime Minister invokes religion to lend legitimacy to her sick policy of bullying the disabled and starving the poor for profit.”
“But she now has the audacity to claim that Jesus, who may have been the one of the first socialists in history, if he even existed at all, got nailed to a wooden plank in bronze age Palestine specifically so the United Kingdom could shoot itself in the foot by leaving the EU some 2017 years later.”
The BBC is conducting an urgent review into its security procedures after a non-Brexiter was somehow able to sneak into the Question Time audience, it has been revealed.
Question Time host David Dimbleby said: “Our audience is carefully selected to be as representative as possible of what the Government would like to the British public to be.”
“However, on this occasion it was discovered that a member of the public who is not right wing or racist somehow managed to sneak into the Question Time audience.”
“Instead of asking a sensible question like ‘when will my hero Nigel Farage get his well deserved knighthood?’, the interloper instead asked a question that was very unfair to the Government because it made use of real facts.”
“We apologise to the Government for this oversight, and we are now reviewing our security and vetting procedures to make sure this never, ever happens again.”
Get your socialist and anti-Brexit T-shirts here!
The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg added: “Because Jeremy Corbyn is unelectable, just like whoever ends up replacing him as Labour leader will be, it is important that the state broadcasting corporation adheres to a strict policy of undermining Labour at every possible opportunity.”
“This includes criticising Corbyn for things we have no issue with when Conservatives do the same or worse, and finding inventive ways to blame Labour for fuck-ups made by Cabinet Ministers.”
“However, if the BBC is to succeed in this patriotic task, we must ensure we always have the highest quality right wing audiences in all our live programmes, especially Question Time.”
Brexit isn’t about xenophobia, but let’s try to make a club for white English speaking countries that are all very far apart, says David Davis.
His excellency the Minister for Brexit told reporters: “It is wrong for 400 million Europeans to have the right to come to Britain, but at the same time it is definitely alright for 300 million Americans, 35 million Canadians, 23 million Australians and 5 million New Zealanders to be given the right to come here instead.”
“The government now accepts that free movement of people is a necessary condition for the new trade deals we plan to establish with some of our former colonies, all of which contain the good type of foreigners that do not frighten middle aged Daily Mail readers.”
Mr Davis continued: “Brexit is not about xenophobia, and never has been. People voted to Leave the EU with their eyes wide open, completely aware of the cynical bait and switch scam that I and others were about to pull.”
“It is deeply offensive to the millions of people who voted Leave to suggest that they were fooled by my campaign of barefaced lies.”