Tag Archives: brexit

Joy for Leavers as failing UK economy no longer chained to superior EU economies

Proponents of Brexit are expressing relief that the failing British economy will no longer be chained to superior EU economies, it has been confirmed.

Professor Chris Bumfield of the Brexit Science Institute said: “I am overjoyed at the prospect of unshackling our failing economy from the European Union and the various EU economies that now significantly outperform ours.”

“Finally, Britain can get back to being the sick man of Europe with falling wages and life expectancies, and rising homelessness and poverty. Remain campaigners warned this would happen, so this is precisely what we voted for.”

“I think I speak for all Leave voters when I say this, but the destruction of the UK economy, and ruining or ending millions of lives, is definitely the will of the people as expressed at the ballot box in the EU referendum.”

“But every cloud has a silver lining, and wealthy spivs like Richard Branson and John Redwood are poised to exploit the disaster of Brexit for their own personal financial gain. This, I believe, is what the 52 per cent clearly and unequivocally voted for.”

Leave campaigner and Tory leadership hopeful Jacob Rees Mogg said: “Leaving the EU without a deal spells disaster for the United Kingdom of Great Britain and its glorious, imaginary empire.”

“A hard Brexit will almost certainly plunge the working and middle classes into poverty, forcing families out of their homes and onto the streets to freeze or starve to death. However, this will give them the opportunity to develop innovative new jobs and technologies that will allow them, including children of all ages, to compete against slave labour in China.”

“But most importantly of all, the economic chaos of a hard Brexit will provide exciting new opportunities for high net worth individuals like me to profit from the suffering of ordinary families who did not have the foresight to be born rich, or to hide their money in an offshore tax haven.”


Stop presenting rational arguments against Brexit, demand Leavers

Leave voters from around Britain have asked Remainers to please stop presenting rational arguments against Brexit, it has been reported.

Leave voter Max Scheisser said: “It would be nice if my Remainer relatives would stop trying to change my mind on Brexit using rational arguments, because I’ve already given every possible indication that I am entirely immune to intelligent reasoning.”

“Most Remainers are just not thick enough to construct the type of emotional, anti-logical arguments that would get through to a Daily Express reading simpleton like me.”

“We need arguments like ‘let’s leave the EU to stop immigration from countries that are not even in the EU and never will be’, or ‘vote leave to make the country richer by making everyone poorer.'”

“Of course, if somebody comes at me shouting obviously made-up numbers, or with a transparent lie written on the side of a bus, then maybe they’d have my attention. But the inability of Remoaners to concoct surreal fantasies about getting the empire back just leaves me cold.”

“Now if you would please excuse me, I have to go and be inexplicably rational and logical in every other aspect of my life, except for the issue of membership of the European Union.”


Aesthetic preference for blue passport justifies tanking the economy, says Brexiter

An aesthetic preference for blue passports definitely justifies tanking the economy, a Brexiter has suggested.

Chris Bumfield, a UKIP councilor in Plymouth said: “The worst thing about being in the EU is the red passport, and that is why I voted to leave. My aesthetic preference for blue passports definitely justifies destroying the economy and ruining the lives of millions of Britons.”

“As somebody who doesn’t listen to experts, I’m in the dark about all the economic and political arguments. But what I do know is the fall-out from leaving the EU should only affect people for whom I have an unfounded dislike, such as ethnic minorities, foreigners, and the young.”

“Like many Brexit fantasists, I predict there will be a civil war in Britain if the hardest possible Brexit is not delivered immediately.”

“Naturally, I am not volunteering to be on the front line in this conflict, but there are plenty of pampered young people in Britain from whom my generation has yet to strip one final thing – their lives.”


I have no shame and will NEVER resign, says Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson has will definitely not resign because he has no shame, it has been confirmed today.

The Foreign Secretary said:”My own political ambitions are far more important than trifling matters like whether a British citizen will languish in a foreign jail due to my incompetence as Foreign Secretary.”

“Incompetence and gross misconduct are no longer resigning matters, and why should I resign when I was so obviously born to rule.”

“I clearly have the full support of the British public, who voted for me to be Prime Minister when they chose to leave the European Union in last year’s landslide referendum result.”

“I will make Britain great again and reclaim our glorious empire, free from the shackles of human rights and democratic accountability.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “Boris Johnson and Michael Gove are two of the most despicable and incompetent ministers in the history of this country.”

“However, the Prime Minister is currently unable to sack either of these two clowns because they have the support of powerful people, and somehow there are also members of the public who view them positively.”

“The Prime Minister has been very clear that she will continue to take orders from Johnson and Gove, who are are holding her to ransom over their joint hard-on for a hard Brexit.”


Brexiter fantasizing about civil war somehow thinks the young will do the fighting

A Brexiter has been having fantasies about a civil war if hard Brexit is not delivered, and somehow thinks that young people will do the fighting on his behalf.

Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “What the pampered younger generations need is more unnecessary hardship, such as being made to fight in a war they do not support.”

“If the hard Brexit that I voted for is not delivered soon, then there will be massive riots across Britain, and possibly even a civil war. Of course, as a pensioner I’m not really up to rioting, let alone fighting a war. But that’s why we have young people, isn’t it, to do the dirtywork of armchair patriots like me.”

“A good war will do a world of good for pampered young people, with their extortionate housing costs and no chance of getting on the property ladder, let alone being able to retire before the age of 90.”

“Not like us older generations who’ve enjoyed disproportionately high levels of public spending our entire lives, and who are now pulling the ladder up behind us.”


Farage blasts ‘Remoaners’ for not being stupid enough to understand case for Brexit

Nigel Farage has launched a tirade against Remainers for not being stupid enough to understand the case for Brexit, it has been reported.

Speaking on LBC Radio, the firebrand hate preacher said: “Frankly, I’m sick and tired of having to keep re-stating the case for Brexit, only to find that Remoaners are simply not stupid enough to understand any of it.”

“Not only will we make ourselves richer by becoming a lot poorer, we will also finally become a fascist state, free from the evil centrism and human rights imposed by the EUSSR.”

“To paraphrase George Orwell: Hate is love, poverty is wealth, Brexit is Brexit.”

“One Remoaniac who phoned in for an argument insisted incessantly that 2+2=4, when my calculations made on the back of a cigarette packet have already established, with the help of the right wing press, that 2+2 definitely equals 5.”

“I guess he didn’t get the memo announcing that Britain doesn’t need experts any more. The country is doing just fine with outrageously anti-intellectual liars like Michael Gove, Boris Johnson and Theresa May in charge.”


Tories hail berry export boom as Leave voters sign up for cherry-picking in record numbers

By Jeff Sanchez and Johnny Zenith

The Government has announced an unexpected boom in the export of berries from British farms, thanks to record numbers of Leave voters signing up for cherry-picking jobs.

David Davis said: “The Brexit debate revealed that Britain has a vast untapped reservoir of expertise in the area of cherry-picking, with around 52 per cent of adults rejecting all facts that are inconsistent with their prejudices about foreigners and the European Union.”

“After discovering their cherry-picking abilities many Leave voters have now signed up for jobs on cherry farms, and this is causing a boom in the export of cherries and cherry-flavoured jams.”

The announcement comes after Government figures revealed an export boom in circular reasoning.

Speaking to Newscrasher, Leave voter Chris Bumfield from Taunton said: “At long last something positive has come out of Brexit, and we no longer have to resort to lies and fake news.”

“But I for one will still definitely keep reading fake news published by the Daily Mail or the Sun, because that’s the only way for me to maintain my faith that Brexit is making the country a better place for older, bigoted people like me.”



Britain to become leading exporter of circular reasoning, boasts David Davis

By Jeff Sanchez ad Johnny Zenith

Britain will become a world-beating exporter of circular reasoning, the Brexit Secretary has boasted.

Speaking out after a series of embarrassing failures, David Davis said: “British businesses must do more to embrace the great opportunities presented by the senseless destruction of our economy by Brexit.”

“We had a non-binding referendum which we won based on a pack of lies, and now business leaders must respect the will of the gullible and help us go through with this unnecessary and avoidable economic suicide.”

“Even though all of our companies will go bust or else relocate to the European mainland, Britain can still become a world-beating exporter of the finest circular reasoning, along with jams, biscuits and flip flops.”

“In fact, when companies move their head-quarters and jobs out of the UK as a direct result of Brexit, this is a kind of export boom and Remainers should be doing more to acknowledge this success.”



Referendum was actually about implementing fascism, claims Brexiter

The EU referendum was actually about whether Britain should become a fascist state, a Brexiter has claimed.

Leave voter Christopher Bumfield said: “Even though it was never mentioned during the campaign, everybody knew that the referendum was about whether we should turn the country into a fascist state. Things like the NHS or leaving the EUSSR were quite obviously just secondary concerns.”

“I’ve researched it and found that fascism is the only way to fix all my imagined problems, including the need to take back the sovereignty that we already had, the need to control immigration which the government can already do if it wants, and the extremely urgent need to buy bananas of the correct, patriotic British shape.”

“We need strong leadership from an authoritarian leader who has scant regard for human rights, let alone the NHS or the levels of child poverty. A great British female Hitler like Theresa May is the only way we will crush the saboteurs and the enemies of the people.”

“Democracy means that after a non-binding referendum in which the Leave side lies their tits off, the people can never be allowed to change their minds.”

“The Remoaners lost and we won, although I do not yet know what we won.”


Michael Gove announces ‘passionate support’ for staying in EU after watching Dunkirk

Former Brexiter Michael Gove has become a ‘passionate Remainer’ after watching Dunkirk on IMAX cinema, he has announced.

Speaking at a press conference: “When I saw our brave lads standing together with fighting men of France, working towards a common goal for the greater good of all, I shed a tear because it was then that I realised how wrong I have been to advocate leaving the EU.”

“When we got to the bit when Farrier turned his Spitfire back to make one final attack on the nationalist bomber, despite being almost out of fuel, I turned to my wife and asked her why Brexit Britain cannot now turn back at this late stage, and do the right thing for its people and the people of Europe?”

“I thought of our child, sitting abandoned and alone in our hotel room late that night, and wondered what kind of dystopian future Brexit would bring his generation.”

“I understand now that nationalism has never brought peace or prosperity to Europe, only suffering and war. And even though my paymaster Rupert Murdoch stands to gain financially from Brexit, which will make Britain richer through the trickle down effect, the dangerous rise of nationalism in Britain is too high a price to pay.”