Tag Archives: brexit

Tories hail berry export boom as Leave voters sign up for cherry-picking in record numbers

By Jeff Sanchez and Johnny Zenith

The Government has announced an unexpected boom in the export of berries from British farms, thanks to record numbers of Leave voters signing up for cherry-picking jobs.

David Davis said: “The Brexit debate revealed that Britain has a vast untapped reservoir of expertise in the area of cherry-picking, with around 52 per cent of adults rejecting all facts that are inconsistent with their prejudices about foreigners and the European Union.”

“After discovering their cherry-picking abilities many Leave voters have now signed up for jobs on cherry farms, and this is causing a boom in the export of cherries and cherry-flavoured jams.”

The announcement comes after Government figures revealed an export boom in circular reasoning.

Speaking to Newscrasher, Leave voter Chris Bumfield from Taunton said: “At long last something positive has come out of Brexit, and we no longer have to resort to lies and fake news.”

“But I for one will still definitely keep reading fake news published by the Daily Mail or the Sun, because that’s the only way for me to maintain my faith that Brexit is making the country a better place for older, bigoted people like me.”

 

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Britain to become leading exporter of circular reasoning, boasts David Davis

By Jeff Sanchez ad Johnny Zenith

Britain will become a world-beating exporter of circular reasoning, the Brexit Secretary has boasted.

Speaking out after a series of embarrassing failures, David Davis said: “British businesses must do more to embrace the great opportunities presented by the senseless destruction of our economy by Brexit.”

“We had a non-binding referendum which we won based on a pack of lies, and now business leaders must respect the will of the gullible and help us go through with this unnecessary and avoidable economic suicide.”

“Even though all of our companies will go bust or else relocate to the European mainland, Britain can still become a world-beating exporter of the finest circular reasoning, along with jams, biscuits and flip flops.”

“In fact, when companies move their head-quarters and jobs out of the UK as a direct result of Brexit, this is a kind of export boom and Remainers should be doing more to acknowledge this success.”

 

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Referendum was actually about implementing fascism, claims Brexiter

The EU referendum was actually about whether Britain should become a fascist state, a Brexiter has claimed.

Leave voter Christopher Bumfield said: “Even though it was never mentioned during the campaign, everybody knew that the referendum was about whether we should turn the country into a fascist state. Things like the NHS or leaving the EUSSR were quite obviously just secondary concerns.”

“I’ve researched it and found that fascism is the only way to fix all my imagined problems, including the need to take back the sovereignty that we already had, the need to control immigration which the government can already do if it wants, and the extremely urgent need to buy bananas of the correct, patriotic British shape.”

“We need strong leadership from an authoritarian leader who has scant regard for human rights, let alone the NHS or the levels of child poverty. A great British female Hitler like Theresa May is the only way we will crush the saboteurs and the enemies of the people.”

“Democracy means that after a non-binding referendum in which the Leave side lies their tits off, the people can never be allowed to change their minds.”

“The Remoaners lost and we won, although I do not yet know what we won.”

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Michael Gove announces ‘passionate support’ for staying in EU after watching Dunkirk

Former Brexiter Michael Gove has become a ‘passionate Remainer’ after watching Dunkirk on IMAX cinema, he has announced.

Speaking at a press conference: “When I saw our brave lads standing together with fighting men of France, working towards a common goal for the greater good of all, I shed a tear because it was then that I realised how wrong I have been to advocate leaving the EU.”

“When we got to the bit when Farrier turned his Spitfire back to make one final attack on the nationalist bomber, despite being almost out of fuel, I turned to my wife and asked her why Brexit Britain cannot now turn back at this late stage, and do the right thing for its people and the people of Europe?”

“I thought of our child, sitting abandoned and alone in our hotel room late that night, and wondered what kind of dystopian future Brexit would bring his generation.”

“I understand now that nationalism has never brought peace or prosperity to Europe, only suffering and war. And even though my paymaster Rupert Murdoch stands to gain financially from Brexit, which will make Britain richer through the trickle down effect, the dangerous rise of nationalism in Britain is too high a price to pay.”

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Chlorinated chicken perfectly safe for benefit claimants and low earners, government says

Chlorinated chicken from the United States is perfectly safe for low earners and people on benefits, it has been decided.

Speaking to journalists, the Liam Fox said: “My party has worked hard to bring British wages and living conditions into line with other third world countries, and our proposed trade deal with the United States will soon bring food our standards down to a similarly low level.”

“Some people have begun to notice the increase in their cost of living as a result of Brexit. Thankfully,  innovative American food processing techniques such as pumping livestock full of harmful pharmaceuticals and soaking chicken in chlorine will soon be within reach of British consumers, to help them make ends meet at the expense of their long term health.”

“And if our Brexit omnishambles continues as planned, it won’t be very long before the average Briton will only be able to afford the shittiest of American food imports. The excellent reduction in life expectancy of ordinary people will dramatically reduce the burden on the NHS, and should facilitate further tax cuts for wealthy Conservative voters.”

Brexiteer David Davis added: “It would be racist and undemocratic to prevent substandard American produce from entering a sovereign United Kingdom.”

“We are considering legislation that would force consumers to purchase and eat a mandatory minimum quantity of this substandard produce, or face up to six months in prison.”

“If British farmers cannot compete, then they should look at ways they can become more efficient, perhaps through the use of potentially dangerous chemicals, or by placing themself on a zero-hours contract.”

Iain Duncan Smith, the self-styled ‘Hammer of the Poor’, also claimed: “A large number of disabled people have personally thanked me for voting to cut their benefits by £30 a week, because now they can only afford to eat delicious sausages made from mechanically recovered faecal matter, imported from America.”

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Boris Johnson’s spine found washed up on French beach

By Horace McSavage

Spineless Boris Johnson reacted meekly earlier to news that his long lost backbone has been found washed up on a French beach.

Johnson, whose spine had been missing since the EU referendum, hinted that a reunion with his backbone was unlikely before any Tory leadership contest.

“What kind of cowardly opportunist would I be if I were to suddenly find my backbone and take responsibility for my actions?”

Johnson continued “I’ll just wait for a safer time to launch a leadership bid, long after the Brexit negotiations have gone tits up.”

At least for now, the spine will remain detached from it’s lily-livered owner. And while it remains uncertain what the long-term future holds for it, sources close to the spine have hinted that Johnson may never be in possession of a backbone ever again.

The search for Michael Gove’s guts and David Davis’ brain continues.

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I am DETERMINED to drive the country OFF A CLIFF, says Theresa May

Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Theresa May has restated her determination to drive the country off a cliff as part of her government’s plan to press ahead with Brexit, it has been confirmed.

Speaking from behind an impenetrable cordon of riot police, the Prime Minister told journalists: “I am in power and I intend to hang on for long enough to drive the country over the edge of the cliff., according to the will of the people as expressed by the Daily Mail.”

“All those people who want me out of power immediately, who probably constitute a majority of voters and business leaders, should respect the will of the people and let me get on with negotiating a Brexit deal that is in the best interest of me and my party of nutters.”

“Not only am I the best politician in the history of this country, I am also an amazing negotiator and only I can get the right deal for Britain, through my idiot proxy David Davis. Although the talks have only just started, but already we have secured a number of great victories against our imagined European enemy.”

“Our plan for exiting the European Union is like a divorce. We will refuse to co-operate at all with anything, lose the house and the kids, and finally be free of everything that has held us down. We will then live in the bedsit of victory rather than a mansion of defeat.”

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What Britain really needs is even more xenophobia, announces Theresa May

Britain needs way more xenophobia and a few more decades of Tory rule, Theresa May has decided.

Speaking to one of the BBC’s Tory journalists, the Prime Minister said: “If Britain is to experience the joys of another 5 years of Tory rule, we’re going to have to increase the intensity of the xenophobia that has spread across Britain thanks to right-wing shits like me.”

“It’s the only way the establishment can divert the people’s anger away from the real cause of their problems: people like me, whose selfish and cruel policies are what makes ordinary people’s lives hell on Earth, and onto a carefully chosen scapegoat demographic like foreigners.”

“If the people were ever to catch on to our dirty little scheme in large numbers, there would be a bloody revolution overnight. But thankfully, our friends at the Sun and other tabloids have long been experts at convincing a majority of the people that it’s in their own best interests to vote for a party that always shafts them.”

“Although the traditional media will die out eventually to be replaced by online media, by that time we are confident that cuts and privatisation will have degraded educational standards to such an extent that critical thinking skills have become extinct in the working and middle classes.”

Asked about whether opposition should be allowed in Brexit Britain, Mrs May said: “I would never ban opposition to my iron rule, except in exceptional case where suspected saboteurs attempted to overturn the will of the people as defined by me, or where opposition parties attempted to overthrow my rule via the ballot box.”

“It makes me sick to the stomach to think of people like [World Cup hero] Gary Lineker using their fame to espouse compassion and decency towards the hundreds of thousands of potential terrorists and benefit cheats who enter the country each year, some of whom are children fleeing wars that people like me help perpetuate.”

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Theresa May awards herself Victoria Cross for heroism in ‘Battle for Britain’

Theresa May has been awarded the Victoria Cross for heroism in her ‘Battle for Britain’, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking outside Number 10, the Prime Minister declared: “I have for many years been at the forefront of the Battle for Brexit Britain, first sowing seeds of hatred and xenophobia as Home Secretary, and now waging war on immigrants from the EU and their loved ones.”

“This is a war that has been forced upon us by the fact that we Tories have plundered the country so gratuitously that a major distraction was required, but thankfully we are winning thanks to the brave actions I have taken against our carefully chosen scapegoats – the foreigners who had the audacity to come here to contribute to Britain and make a new life.”

“I am the greatest war leader this country has ever had, and in recognition of my heroism I am proud to announce that I am awarding myself the Victoria Cross, along with a cash prize of £350 million on top of the already substantial profits my husband made as a consequence of massive economic turbulence caused by my recklessness.”

“And if my reich lasts a thousand years, the tabloids will still say this was my finest hour.”

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Southern Trains win contract to transport EU migrants to Brexit concentration camps

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

Southern Trains has been awarded a contract to transport EU migrants to Brexit concentration camps, it has been announced.

Speaking outside Parliament, the Secretary of State for Transport and Brexit Concentration Camps said: “Southern Trains have a long and successful history of transporting virtual slaves on an overcrowded and unreliable rail service, where commuters regularly experience conditions comparable to the Holocaust trains employed by the strong and stable leadership of Nazi Germany.”

“In light of the misery and suffering Southern have already achieved on their commuter services, the Government strongly believe the company is well placed to coldly and efficiently transport unwelcome foreigners and opposition saboteurs to new homes in one of several G4S concentration camps, where Iain Duncan Smith will then teach them that work sets you free.”

A spokesman for Southern Trains said: “We are proud to have been selected by the Government to play an active role in the persecution of their chosen scapegoats.”

“Our company has been transporting commuters of London and the South East to a fate worse than death, in cramped and unsanitary conditions, on a daily basis for a number of years now.”

“Thanks to the continued degradation of our service, there will be no need for Southern Trains to make any changes when we begin to run the Tory death camp trains.”

However, a spokeswoman for a rail passenger association said: “If the Nazis had been as shit a Southern Trains then no one would have ever arrived at Auschwitz.”

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