Tories to spend the day laughing about child poverty

A number of Conservative MPs plan to spend the day in parliament laughing about child poverty, it has been announced.

One front bench Conservative MP said: “Like many of my parliamentary colleagues, I love nothing better than having a good laugh at the plight of people, especially children, whom we have cruelly plunged into poverty.”

“In fact, I only go to prime minister’s questions because I enjoy hearing Jeremy Corbyn give examples of the poverty and hardships that ordinary people are being made to suffer as a result of policies I voted for.”

“It’s hilarious. I just can’t stop myself from bursting out in laughter when I hear the details of their wretched lives.”

“It’s also good to know that our regressive policies are working as intended, taking the country back to the Victorian era of private wealth and public squalor.”

“These proles only have themselves to blame for making the lifestyle choice of being born into a Northern or working class family. It’s a clear case of poor financial planning on their part.”

Iain Duncan Smith, the disgraced former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions added: “The fact that I married a rich wife and now live in luxury on the sprawling estate of my in-laws makes me uniquely qualified to comment on topics related to social justice, employment and benefits.”

“My own painstaking research, which is based entirely on Tory ideological assumptions instead of facts, shows that child poverty is actually the direct result of poor lifestyle choices not only by the parents, but by the children themselves.”

“If a seven year old is too lazy to sweep chimneys or sell themselves into slavery, then their family definitely deserves to be sanctioned and starve. Starvation sets you free, as I have always said.”

“And we have to ask the question: if that kind of innovative child labour is good enough for economic powerhouses like India or Indonesia, then why isn’t it good enough for these British snowflakes?”

“So when the leader of the opposition tells us about the supposed hardships of ordinary people I clearly do not give a single fuck about, it makes me want to jump up and punch the air with both fists.”

“When I do that, I like to imagine I’m a fascist version of Chuck Norris and I’m punching massive holes in the windows of people who are on benefits, so they’ll be freezing cold all Christmas.”

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