Iain Duncan Smith is to give up cannibalism for lent, it has been announced.
The devoutly Christian former minister said: “I first developed a taste for human flesh during my time as Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, or ‘Minister for Manslaughter’ as I am affectionately known in some Facebook groups.”
“As it became clear that my cruel benefit cuts were killing people in numbers beyond even my own wildest dreams, I embarked on a rigorous academic study and concluded that I would be able to make significant efficiency gains by cooking and eating the flesh and organs of benefit claimants who had died as a result of my sick policies.”
“Since early 2011 my daily intake of meat has been exclusively human flesh”
“Although I was recently diagnosed with Kuru, which is quite similar to Mad Cow Disease, I haven’t allowed to affect my political career, and my parliamentary colleagues say they are unable to notice any difference.”
“And as a devout Christian, I am pleased to announced that I will be giving up cannibalism for lent, in honour of Our Lord Jesus Christ who would definitely approve of all the evil shit I have done in recent years.”