Tories Jubilant as record deaths from cold and hunger predicted for Christmas period

Senior Conservatives are jubilant over the prediction of a record number of deaths this Christmas due to cold or hunger, it has been reported.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one senior Tory said: “I am very clear that my strong and stable government is raising the living standards of the rich at a time when they need it least, because is what the country voted for in my recent landslide election victory.”

“However, there is no magic money tree, and the money must come from somewhere. The unemployed, the disabled, and the feckless working poor  will be asset-stripped until there is nothing left for them to give, at which point we’ll starve or freeze them to death using the system of cruel sanctions pioneered by Iain Duncan Smith.”

Iain Duncan Smith reportedly punched their air with joy at the prospect of what he called “a huge victory for social justice”.

The Former Minister for Manslaughter told reporters: “For many years I have been praying to Our Lord Jesus Christ, asking for a really cold winter with loads of deaths from among the poorest and most vulnerable people in our brave new society.”

“It is my belief that as they freeze or starve to death, the victims of austerity will feel a patriotic fervour derived from the knowledge that they are about to die for the lofty cause of making rich people every so slightly richer.”

“Jesus himself has granted us this huge victory for social justice.”

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