A popular tabloid newspaper founded, staffed and read by nazis has now accused moderately left wing people of being ‘nazi stormtroopers’, it has emerged.

In an opinion piece in the Mail On Sunday titled ‘Why I despise Jeremy Corbyn and his Nazi stormtroopers’, right wing Labour donor Michael Foster repeated a number of outright lies, and attempted to paint the moderate left-leaning members of the public who support Jeremy Corbyn as being even more hateful and bigoted than the average reader of the Mail On Sunday.

The new accusation comes just a few days after right wing entryist and Labour deputy leader Tom Watson accused Jeremy Corbyn supporters of being Trotskyite entryists.

Watson has now offered £75,000 to theoretical physicists if they can find a way for Corbyn supporters to be nazis AND communists at the same time ‘using wormholes are some other crazy quantum shit.’

Head teachers must do more to combat unacceptably high levels of social mobility, the government has demanded.

Education Secretary Justine Greening said: “The landslide victory we obtained in May last year gave us a clear mandate to institute a number of really quite nasty policies that were not actually mentioned in our manifesto. One of these policies is a crackdown on social mobility, starting in state schools.”

“For far too long, schools have educated children to a decent level, even those from left wing or poor families, helping them to achieve their potential and go on to have a rewarding career. This simply has to stop, and the poor need to learn their place is at the bottom, forever.”

“Our privatised academy schools have been doing a great job of prioritising private profits over quality of education, like the academy where poor pupils are water-boarded and forced to eat their lunch in isolation cells if their parents fall behind with school lunch payments.”

“I call on the headmasters of all remaining state schools to immediately privatise and implement these and other ground breaking Tory educational measures, or they shall face my wrath.”

Owen Smith has described his strategy in the leadership contest as “holding a knife to the throat of the Labour Party.”

Speaking candidly to Guardian journalist Owen Jones, who used to be left wing, Smith said: “Going forward, the only real way to persuade Labour to move back to the right is by holding a knife to the throat of the Party.”

“I believe this compelling message will resonate with voters and will bring Labour back to power at the next general election. I plan make up some actual policies once we are in power.”

When challenged on his flip-flopping over NHS privatisation and support for austerity, the former Pfizer lobbyist said: “There’s nothing inconsistent in my position on the NHS and austerity. Nothing whatsoever.”

“As a Guardian journalist I’m sure you will understand that sometimes you absolutely have to adopt the political stance that your paymaster wants.”

“In my case, yes, it was my heartfelt belief that privatisation of the NHS would be fantastic, and I have no qualms about telling you the main reason I believed in privatisation was the substantial salary I received from Pfizer.”

Jeremy Corbyn, benefit claimants and economic migrants from the EU are to blame for the massive delays on rail services, Southern Trains has claimed.

A spokesman for Southern Trains said: “Southern Trains is among the best performing rail companies in the world, providing third world punctuality at first world prices.”

“Unfortunately, circumstances beyond our control are increasingly causing long delays on some Southern Trains services, with left winger Jeremy Corbyn being among the main causes due to the threat from his frightening policies. Benefit claimants and economic migrants from elsewhere in the EU are also among the major causes.”

“But every cloud has its silver lining — our profits are up significantly compared to 2015, as are dividend payments and the bonus of our chief executive.”

Prime Minister Theresa May is considering removing ‘racially valuable children’  when deporting EU migrants, it has emerged.

Speaking outside Number 10, Mrs. May said: “For far too long the British public have tolerated foreigners coming to our shores to work, paying their taxes and making a positive contribution to the fabric of society.”

“On June 23rd, xenophobes from all across the country voted to take back their country and get rid of the foreigners who they wrongly blame for all their problems, thanks to cynical liars like me.”

“However, the expulsion of such a large number of working age people leaves the UK open to a demographic crisis, which is why the government will be taking the evidence based approach of removing racially valuable children from their parents prior to deportation.”

“I am not a cruel leader, and that is why I have decreed that no foreigners are to be harmed by any of the state’s official security apparatus during their detention in one of the new G4S deportation processing camps.”

“I can also give categorical assurances that the unusually large number of ovens in the camps is entirely innocent, as are the hair and gold-tooth recycling facilities.”

By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

A Brexit voter has demanded continued use of the gym facilities after he chose to cancel his membership, it has emerged.

Daily Mail reader Martin Bumfield said: “I looked at the cost of my gym membership and just felt so angry that this money pays for facilities that can be used by other people, maybe even by foreigners and people on benefits.”

“Ignorant of the benefits of being a member, I reasoned that I would like to spend that money on myself only, and so I resolved to take back control and leave.”

However, soon after cancelling his membership, Mr Bumfield was shocked to find the gym staff had become somewhat uncooperative and even refused to allow him use of the gym’s facilities.

“This is bullying. I’m being bullied by the faceless bureaucrats of a corrupt organisation.”

“How dare they punish me by stopping me from swimming in the pool even though I’m no longer a paying member. It’s my RIGHT as a former member to continue to the use the pool whether they like it or not. And it’s also my right to piss in it if I want.”

Mr Bumfield is now in discussions with the manager about retaining limited use of a range of facilities, but without actually being a member and with a much higher monthly fee. He is also considering whether to cancel his golf course membership, but still shit in sand bunker near the 16th hole.

Afghanistan war hero and SAS veteran Sir Ross Kemp has entered the Labour leadership race with a stinging attack on incumbent leader Jeremy Corbyn.

Former hard-man Kemp repeated a number of concerns which are basically a load of bollocks: “Jeremy Corbyn is unelectable, he’s a bad leader and he’s actively aiding the infiltration of the Labour Party by people with left wing ideals who care about outdated things like the NHS and fighting poverty.”

“And as somebody who is most famous for playing  a bone-headed thug, you can take my word for it that Jeremy Corbyn needs to make way for somebody right wing with links to disgraced Murdoch hack Rebekah Brooks, and who thinks selling out the poor and vulnerable to get elected is absolutely the right thing to do – we’ll still be able to help the middle classes anyway.”

Some observers have pointed out the irony of the Blairite faction labeling their critics as ‘vile thugs’, when prominent Blairite supporter Ross Kemp himself spent many years acting like a vile thug in the BBC’s soap opera Eastenders.