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Brexit food shortages an opportunity for the poor to diet, says Dominic Raab

By Dorothy Hotdog an Jeff Sanchez

Food shortages that are expected to result from Brexit offer an amazing opportunity for the poor to diet, the Brexit Secretary has claimed.

Speaking to Piers Morgan on breakfast TV, Dominic Raab said: “Brexit offers a multitude of amazing opportunities for Britain, including the chance for the rich to get even richer, the chance for xenophobes to have blue passports, and opportunities for the poor to go on a crash diet and subsequently die of starvation.”

“Families who use food banks may not be able to stockpile food in time for Brexit Day, and that is why this Government will be sending out a leaflet with hints and tips for how people can grow their own food. Older members of the public will be pleased with our inclusion of a number of traditional British delicacies, such as jellied earthworms and Nettle tea.”

“The British people will have the incredible opportunity to draw on the character forming Irish Potato Famine, and this is just one of many ways that Brexit food shortages can bring the country together in mass starvation.”

“The royal family is to be employed in showing people how they can grow their own vegetables. We will also boost public morale by restarting the Clean For The Queen campaign, this time making it compulsory for all benefit claimants to clean a Tory MP’s home.”

“Even if you have just a small plant pot in your miniscule flat in London, you can still grow a healthy potato plant and feed your family for at least two days.”


I’m the real victim of Hillsborough says Kelvin MacKenzie

Kelvin MacKenzie has provoked widespread public anger by claiming he is the ‘biggest victim’ of the Hillsborough disaster.

When cornered by a Newscrasher reporter, MacKenzie said: “I’m the real victim of the Hillsborough disaster, and the selfishness of the families of the dead in not recognising my suffering knows no end.”

In recent days the former Sun editor has also called for a public inquiry into the victimisation of Sun journalists, some of whom have been accused of picking the pockets of Hillsborough victims and urinating on bodies.

Asked about his reasons for publishing lies about the fans caught up in the Hillborough disaster, Mr MacKenzie said: “I’m a known liar, and for decades I have profited from publishing lies so outrageous they would make even Josef Goebbels blush.”

“I never expected my extensive history of reprehensible behaviour, including some potentially illegal activity, to catch up with me, but I’d be lying if I said I was sorry.”


Cameron: my tax dodging was actually just ‘research’

The right wing Prime Minister has today offered a new excuse in an attempt to explain away his controversial and apparently highly irregular tax affairs.

Speaking at a packed press conference this morning, Mr Cameron told reporters: “Even though I knowingly avoided large sums of tax over a number of years, it was entirely innocent because I was merely conducting research into tax avoidance by the super rich.”

“My naming in the Panama tax scandal was all totally planned by me from the outset, as a means to draw maximum attention to the very serious issue of offshore tax avoidance by the rich. My long term aim was to seek and destroy all offshore tax loopholes that allow the rich to avoid paying the tax that our starved public services are crying out for.”

“This is the culmination of my anti tax avoidance project and is a great victory for myself and George Osborne, who a has also conducted extensive undercover research into highly immoral tax avoidance methods for several decades.”

A former Labour Prime Minister and alleged war criminal, speaking on Condition of anonymity, told Newscrasher: “David Cameron, who is almost as wealthy and as corrupt as I am, is clearly in the right here. Despite the despicable calls for his resignation from the left of the Labour Party, who I hope never win a general election, Cameron has proven that he’s still totally in touch with the public mood.”

The former premier, whose personal wealth is thought to run to several tens of millions of pounds, added: “And that is why I believe Jeremy Corbyn should resign immediately for no reason, live on the BBC like Michael Dugher heroically did.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg took to Twitter to praise the Prime Minister, calling him “our James Bond PM, the people’s PM, fighting global tax injustice”.