The country needs cold and heartless leadership in the wake of the Grenfell disaster, the Prime Minister has reiterated.
Asked whether she has a conscience, the Prime Minister moved her head robotically and said: “Well, what we need now is cold and heartless leadership to get us through this really bad tragedy that was nothing to do with Tory policies, and as the most heartless person in the country I believe I am the best person to lead Britain going forward into the Grenfell cover up.”
“I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the emergency services for selflessly accepting the low pay and needless funding cuts that my party has imposed since 2010.”
“But most importantly, I thank the police for withholding the true death toll of this unpleasant episode which happened to some insignificant people who probably wouldn’t vote Conservative anyway.”
“With any luck, the public won’t be paying attention when we reveal that hundreds of people actually perished in the fire, instead of the tens of people that the media and police are helpfully talking about at the moment.”
Sprinklers only work properly when fitted in the luxurious apartments of the rich, Philip Hammond has claimed.
Speaking on the BBC, the chancellor said: “There is no real evidence that sprinklers would have quenched the fire in Grenfell Tower, or that non-flammable cladding would have hindered the rapid spread of the flames.”
“Sprinklers are only known to be effective when installed in luxury apartments where well-off Conservative voters live, but the evidence is unclear as to the effectiveness of such systems in social housing where poorer people live.”
“Likewise, things like highly flammable cladding, faulty wiring or dangerously narrow escape routes are only a safety risk to rich people. However, in the context of council flats where Labour voters sometimes live, it is better to think of those so-called risks as design features instead of safety hazards.”
Former Minister for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, praised the Hammond’s defence of the indefensible, saying: “The Chancellor is correct to talk shit on national television about sprinklers not putting out fires where poor people live, many of whom are on benefits and do not have the luxury of claiming tens of thousands in expenses like I do.”
“There are a number of complex reason why dozens of innocent people died in the Grenfell fire, including poor lifestyle choices and not arriving at the local Jobcente on time.”
“Daily Mail readers can rest assured that in the coming days I will be on the prowl inside the burnt shell of the tower, searching for dead bodies to declare fit for work, and the melted fat from the bodies will make a lovely soap to sell in Fortnum and Mason.”
Tories and their supporters on social media have criticised Jeremy Corbyn for ‘politicising’ the Grenfell Tower disaster that happened as a result of negligent Tory policies, it has emerged.
Former Housing Minister Gavin Barwell said: “I wish people, including Jeremy Corbyn, would stop pointing out that there is an obvious connection between Conservative policy and the disappointing incident that has occurred in Grenfell Tower.”
“People should be left in peace, without assistance from the government, and with their mourning carefully managed by the authorities to ensure nobody gets too angry at the Conservative politicians responsible.”
“What we now need is some time to establish the facts, whether there was indeed a fire as some have suggested in the media, and whether it affected any valuable Conservative voters in this marginal constituency.”
“Meanwhile, our friends at the Sun and the Daily Mail are busy figuring out whether there are any foreign or brown-skinned residents they can scapegoat. Once they’re ready and we have our cover up strategy in place, the risk to national security will be over and the Home Office will then be able to lift its D-Notice.”
The response from far-right extremist group Britain First has been predictable. Paul Golding, the group’s leader, attending the scene to harass Muslims, issued a public statement saying that “a bad thing has happened and I call on Theresa May to institute full Nazism right now, not the half-arsed crypto-fascism she currently favours.”
One Twitter user wrote: “Corbyn has no right to look prime-ministerial by meeting ordinary people from the area, offering his support as they come to terms with the tragedy that has taken place. Why can’t he behave in a more cowardly fashion and avoid any contact with local people, like brave Theresa May did last night.”