Tag Archives: jeremy corbyn

Internal party bickering is more important than fighting the Tories, say Blairites

Internal party bickering is more important than fighting the Tories, the Blairite faction of the Labour Party has announced.

Writing in the Sun, Labour MP John Mann argued: “Although we have failed several times to overthrow the elected leader of the labour Party, those of us who oppose Jeremy Corbyn owe it to the poorest and most vulnerable to keep on trying.”

“With the local elections fast approaching, and Labour set to do very well this time around, we have decided to launch a renewed smear campaign against Corbyn and the left of the party, with the aim of diverting attention away from the evil shit the Tories are doing to this country, and making the Labour Party look as unattractive as possible to the electorate.”

“With austerity biting hard and ever more children facing poverty and other extreme hardships, now more than ever does our right-leaning faction of the Labour Party need to ally itself with the Tories, to ensure a sinister humanist and moderate left winger like Jeremy Corbyn cannot seize power via the ballot box.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said. “We welcome the renewed smear campaign against Jeremy Corbyn, because it takes the heat off the Government at a very awkward time, with revelations having just emerged about cheating during the Brexit referendum, and my party’s possible use of entities like Cambridge Analytica to win elections.”

“Ordinarly, revelations of this kind would invalidate our mandate to govern or to leave the EU, but because the media’s attention has been turned on Labour and the anti-semitism witch-hunt, it looks like we’ll get away with our blatant electoral fraud yet again.”

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Iain Duncan Smith to release uplifting film about people who died after benefits got stopped

Iain Duncan Smith will release an uplifting film about people who died shortly after their benefits got sanctioned, it has been announced.

It is understood that the film is intended to counter what Mr Duncan Smith called ‘the left wing fantasy’ of Ken Loach’s latest film, and is written and directed by the former Minister for Work and Pensions himself.

The professional liar told Newscrasher: “I am proud of my record of killing a large number of benefit claimants via unfair cuts and sanctions, and I wanted to make an uplifting film about that.”

“However, unlike Ken Loach, I wanted to make a film that is not based on the real life experiences of anybody, ever. It will be based on true events, but only because people really are dying as a consequence of having their benefits sanctioned. Everything else will be purely fictional.”

The provision title of the film is reported to be ‘I Duncan Smith’, although there is said to be some debate about whether to change to Mr Duncan Smith’s reportedly preferred title ‘I Came, I Saw, You Starved to Death in a Freezing Home’.

Speaking to Sky News, right wing hack Toby Young said: “There’s a particularly moving scene where Ian just walks over and tips a disabled lady out of her wheel chair, right in the middle of a Job Centre and screams at her: ‘Get up, get up, I command you to stand on your own two feet, and I’ll sanction anybody here who tries to help this woman’.”

“I was moved to tears, tears of joy, at seeing Mr Duncan Smith’s commitment to brutalising those most in need of help from the state.”

After watching the trailer, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg also praised the film: “At last, a film that shows the positive side of Ian Duncan Smith’s visionary policy of hounding the poor, the sick and the disabled to their deaths through stress, starvation and homelessness.”

“The fact that Jeremy Corbyn has refuses to accept the wisdom of Ian Duncan Smith’s war on the poor just goes to show how utterly unelectable he is.”

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BBC Question Time to be renamed ‘Right Wing Anti Corbyn Time’

The BBC’s news and current affairs discussion programme Question Time is to be renamed ‘Right Wing Anti Corbyn Time’, it has been announced today.

A spokesman for the BBC said: “For a long time the British public has been moving towards the right, thanks to visionary journalism from papers such as The Sun and the Daily Express, and patriotic campaigning by fascist groups like UKIP, Britain First and the EDL.”

“By changing the name of Question Time to ‘Right Wing Anti Corbyn Time’, we are merely catching-up with public opinion which is now firmly hard right and violently anti-Corbyn.”

However, an anonymous source from the BBC told Newscrasher: “Here at the BBC we are just following the orders that come down from the boss in Number 10.”

“With numerous major ongoing scandals and massive incompetence from the Government, we are under strict orders to normalise hard right and far right political ideals, and divert attention from all the bad shit the Tories are up to right now, such as privatising the NHS and massive electoral fraud.”

“A key component of our current plan is to keep hammering away at Jeremy Corbyn, to ensure his popularity remains artificially low, and to send a message that Labour members must only ever choose right wing leaders.”

Right wing Labour rebel Tristram Hunt said: “I welcome the BBC’s war on Jeremy Corbyn, who has no right to lead the party. This is a man who is pure evil, because he wants not only to get into government on a left wing ticket, but also because he is honest enough to deliver on his manifesto promises unlike feted war criminal Tony Blair.”

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Criticising my Stalinist purge is tantamount to terrorism, says Iain McNicol

Any criticism of my righteous Stalinist purge of the Labour Party is a thought-crime and is tantamount to terrorism, Iain McNicol has announced.

The Stalinist General Secretary of the Labour Party is currently running a campaign to oppress party members suspected of supporting Jeremy Corbyn, by removing their right to vote in the leadership election.

Speaking to Newscrasher, Mr McNicol said: “In the 80s and 90s the Labour Party put in a huge amount of work turning itself into a Thatcherite party, parachuting right-wingers into safe seats and maintaining the highly electable Neil Kinnock as leader.”

“And I’m not about to let our good work be overturned by somebody like Jeremy Corbyn who doesn’t even travel first class or claim the maximum allowed expenses.”

“Labour wasn’t founded as a democratic left wing party, but as a vehicle for careerists like me to get rich. I honestly have no idea what the left leaning new members of the party think they are doing here.”

“The Stalinist way we are purging the party of suspected Corbyn supporters of is entirely legal and cannot be criticised. Those who criticise our purge are thought criminals and must be brought to justice, because their criticism is tantamount to racist abuse and terrorism.”

“And to all the new members and supporters who’ve been blocked from voting, I say this: FUCK YOU, and thanks for all the money.”

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A spiv ripping off taxpayers now deserves our sympathy because he fell off a bike

A spiv who made millions of pounds by ripping off British taxpayers now deserves our sympathy, he has decided.

The accident happened when Bond villain Richard Branson suffered a cycling accident on the Caribbean island Virgin Gorda, leaving him with injuries that he immediately photographed and released on the internet.

According to a statement released by Mr Branson, the incident occurred as he rode his solid gold bicycle down a hill. Worth around 110,000 pounds, Sir Richard’s bike also has chainrings fabricated from military grade unobtainium, and a saddle hand-made using the skin of a Virgin Trains passenger who was caught sitting on the carriage floor when there existed an unreserved seat he could have sat in.

“Delirious with joy over my successful smear campaign against Jeremy Corbyn, I had a momentary lapse of concentration and managed to ride head on into a mountain of cash from my NHS contracts.”

“I went flying head-first towards the concrete road, but fortunately my shoulder and cheek took the brunt of the impact, and I was wearing a diamond encrusted helmet that saved my life.”

“My bike was completely destroyed, but I’ll soon have an even more opulent one, to be paid for by the unfortunate British public who’ll be forced to pay more for worse treatment in my privatised bit of the NHS.”

Image credit: virgin.com

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Corbyn victory may lead to rioting again, warns Chuka Umunna

Rioting may ensue if Jeremy Corbyn wins the party’s leadership contest, Labour MP Chuka Umunna has warned.

Speaking to the Daily Telegraph, Mr Umunna said he ‘wouldn’t dismiss’ that victory for Jeremy Corbyn could pave the way for ‘a repeat of the social unrest’ some of the country experienced ‘during the last long period of Conservative government’. 

“I know I predicted rioting in the event of Jeremy winning the previous leadership election, but this time I’m totally sure there’ll be rioting if he wins. There can be no doubt about it.”

“The NEC will have to put out Jeremy’s picture in silence, because his identity by itself causes violence”, the MP for Streatham added.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said: “We stand ever vigilant to thwart possible left-wing thought crime in the form of expressions of support for Jeremy Corbyn or the NHS, both of which are tantamount to violent rioting and as such are proscribed activities under Theresa May’s Police State Act 2016.”

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Jeremy Corbyn biased against everyone, BBC claims

The BBC has defended its apparent bias against Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn by arguing that Corbyn is the one who is in fact biased.

A spokesperson for the BBC said: “Vampire antichrist Jeremy Corbyn and his communist nazi stormtrooper supporters often claim that the right wing media, including the pro-Tory BBC, are biased against him and the left. This could not be further from the truth.”

“In actual fact, it is Mr Corbyn and the left who are extremely biased, not only against the mainstream media, but also against the country in general, because Britain is a completely right wing country.”

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg added: “Ever since democracy was reestablished in 1979, Britain has always elected right wing governments. So when Jeremy Corbyn makes wild claims about media bias he is purposefully and malevolently offending every man, woman, child and cat in this amazing, God-fearing country.”

“And that is why I have been out to get him since day one of his tenure as leader. I loathe Jeremy Corbyn and everything he stands for, from his pathetic interest in lifting children out of poverty, to his squeamishness about dropping bombs on innocent children in Syria.”

Labour deputy leader Tom Watson, wearing a tin foil hat to ‘block Momentum mind control rays’, said: “Jeremy’s idea of actually helping ordinary people, instead of bowing down to corporations and media magnates is so last century.”

“He needs to step aside for somebody a bit more electable, and by that I mean more right wing, so that Labour can return to power and do basically the same shit as the Tories. Perhaps we can get Hilary Benn in the cabinet again and start a few more illegal wars.”

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Owen Smith slams Jeremy Corbyn for ‘weaponising train floors’

Owen Smith has criticised Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn for ‘weaponising the sitting on train floors’, it has emerged.

Speaking to the Daily Telegraph, Smith said: “We all know the UK rail system is in trouble, and that is why I have stolen Jeremy’s plan for rail nationalisation along with a number of other popular policies.”

“However, the way Jeremy has weaponised the act of sitting on train floors is despicable.”

“Surely it would have been more prime-ministerial to use taxpayers’ money to upgrade to first class, or better still to hire a limousine for his long distance journey”, Smith suggested.

“This is just a crude attempt to make careerists like me look bad.”

“Just because I claimed £46,709.11 in expenses for the 2015/2016 parliamentary year, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m intentionally ripping off the taxpayer, although my secret plans to privatise the NHS definitely will.”

The leadership challenger added: “People should vote for me because unlike Jeremy, I do know who Ant and Dec are.”

Then, reading off a prompt card held up by a spin doctor, Smith delcared: “I’m their number one fan, having followed them since the beginning of their musical career as rap-artists PJ and Duncan. I own all their records, but the critically acclaimed Psyche is my favourite. That’s the one where they wrecked the mike. They even invented a completely new dance called The Rumble.”

“And unlike Jeremy, I’m a truly authentic shape shifting moderate who’ll do or say whatever is needed to get in.”

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Blairite fury over Corbyn poll boost

A number of right-wing Blairite MPs have voiced outrage over the rising popularity of Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn, after several polls suggested he is now more popular than hard-right Prime Minister David Cameron.

An anonymous Labour MP told Newscrasher: “Jeremy Corbyn’s rising popularity is a fucking disaster for those of us who broadly agree with Tory austerity.”

“It just isn’t realistic to think that Labour could win a general election on a platform of getting the wealthy to pay their fair share of tax, and using the money to improve the lives of the poor. With Corbyn at the helm, the party is totally unelectable as far as voters earning £100,000 or more are concerned. ”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a former Labour Prime Minister said: “Jeremy’s a nice guy and probably means well, but Alastair and I feel he just doesn’t have what it takes on defence. He probably hasn’t even got the guts to start an illegal war, causing millions of civilian deaths and plunging an entire region into turmoil.”

Speaking about tentative plans to topple Corbyn, another Labour MP said: “Our attempts to damage Corbyn’s credibility with continuous leaks and back-stabbing in the media haven’t been effective, so it’s now time to stab him in the front.”

“Jeremy needs to understand that left wing ideals and skateboarding are exactly the same thing. Having a long-held belief in improving the lives of the poor and vulnerable, to be paid for by taxing the rich, is like saying: ‘I’m going to skateboard until I die.’ It’s just ridiculous. Grow up!”

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