Tag Archives: BBC

Tory reshuffle chaos doesn’t matter, look at Corbyn, says BBC

Theresa May’s chaotic reshuffle isn’t newsworthy, so look at Jeremy Corbyn instead, the BBC says.

Speaking on the BBC’s rolling anti-Corbyn channel, Laura Kuenssberg said: “When Jeremy Corbyn did a reshuffle of his front bench team we made as much political capital out of it for the Conservatives, but now the PM has done this shambolic reshuffle of her own it has become clear that reporting this kind of thing is simply not in the public interest. The public should instead look at whatever smears we’ve concocted against Labour this week.”

“As the national broadcaster, the BBC is obliged to provide fair and balanced coverage of current events and politics. We do this by ensuring our coverage shows the Conservative Party in the best light possible, to counter-balance the unfair bias the general public has against their selfish, hateful policies.”

“Similarly, our impartiality guidelines effectively oblige us to help the Tories dismantle the NHS by putting out hard-right propaganda and blaming as much as possible on Labour, who haven’t been in power since 2010.”

“I’m one of the most successful propagandists of our time, having kept Labour out of power at the last two elections, giving the Tories a free hand to cause over a hundred thousand excess deaths as people starve due to lack of money, or die waiting for life saving treatment in underfunded NHS hospitals. It’s great having no morals!”


I love the smell of ripped up foxes in the morning, says Theresa May

In association with piggate2

I love the smell of ripped up foxes in the morning, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking on the campaign trail, the Prime Minister said: “I support fox hunting because I love the smell of ripped up foxes in the morning.”

“Fox hunting is an entirely wholesome sport for white, heterosexual Conservative voters who care little for the well being of animals or other human beings.”

“And the reason I am able to state such a hateful opinion today is that I have most of the mainstream media in my pocket, including the BBC who are doing a fantastic job of holding Jeremy Corbyn and Tim Farron to account for attempting to defy the iron will of the people that I embody.”

“The BBC would never dream of asking me questions like ‘do you approve of homosexuality?’ or ‘why are you so unelectable and are you going to immediately resign?’, because they know they’d lose their charter.”

“And besides, my party has filled the BBC with secret and not so secret Tories, who are more than happy to help turn Britain into a one-party state where no criticism of the Conservative Government is heard, except on alt-left fake news websites like The Canary and Another Angry Voice, both of which should be banned.”

Conservative activist Chris Bumfield said: “Fox hunting is great because it’s something people did in the past, and going to back to thing we did in the past is brilliant.”

“Like Brexit, fox hunting is definitely going to make Britain great again.”


BBC to go mad at minor Labour gaffes but will let cruel Tories off the hook

The BBC has decided to go mad at the slightest slip up by Labour, while letting the cruel Tories get away with murder, it has emerged.

The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “Cruel bullies from the general public are victimising our beloved leader Theresa May, sometimes trying to ask her things about food banks or Brexit, despite the fact that she doesn’t have any answers.”

“Therefore, to uphold the impartiality of the BBC, it has been decided that we must redressing the balance by adopting an even stronger pro-Tory, anti-Labour bias than we usually have.”

“Between now and June the 8th, the BBC will no longer report on anything that could possibly harm the prospect of the Conservative landslide.”

“Things like Tory MPs being prosecuted for electoral fraud, Theresa May being unable to answer questions about any subject without parroting one of three soundbites, or the social and economic disaster that the Brexiteers have brought on Britain. All out of the question now.”

“The BBC will also intensify the way it seizes upon even the smallest gaffe from Labour, attempting to magnify it into something the public can perceive as a huge scandal and a good reason to vote Conservative against their best interests.”

Mrs Kuenssberg added: “And if there are no actual gaffes to report, I’ll just make up some more fake news about Jeremy Corbyn again.”


BBC to review security after non-Brexiter sneaks into Question Time audience

The BBC is conducting an urgent review into its security procedures after a non-Brexiter was somehow able to sneak into the Question Time audience, it has been revealed.

Question Time host David Dimbleby said: “Our audience is carefully selected to be as representative as possible of what the Government would like to the British public to be.”

“However, on this occasion it was discovered that a member of the public who is not right wing or racist somehow managed to sneak into the Question Time audience.”

“Instead of asking a sensible question like ‘when will my hero Nigel Farage get his well deserved knighthood?’, the interloper instead asked a question that was very unfair to the Government because it made use of real facts.”

“We apologise to the Government for this oversight, and we are now reviewing our security and vetting procedures to make sure this never, ever happens again.”

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The BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg added: “Because Jeremy Corbyn is unelectable, just like whoever ends up replacing him as Labour leader will be, it is important that the state broadcasting corporation adheres to a strict policy of undermining Labour at every possible opportunity.”

“This includes criticising Corbyn for things we have no issue with when Conservatives do the same or worse, and finding inventive ways to blame Labour for fuck-ups made by Cabinet Ministers.”

“However, if the BBC is to succeed in this patriotic task, we must ensure we always have the highest quality right wing audiences in all our live programmes, especially Question Time.”


BBC should respect will of people and stop airing anti-Brexit views, says Government

The BBC must respect the will of the people and stop airing anti-Brexit views, the Government has said.

Speaking on BBC Question Time, a Conservative minister said: “The British people have spoken. Even though they were tricked by lies and fake news, the people cannot be allowed to change their minds, ever.”

“There is now only a short window of time left before the Conservatives install themselves as a full dictatorship with the ability to exercise plenary powers, answerable to no-one.”

“Therefore, at this crucial time the government requires the BBC and all other media outlets to dissuade the people from doing anything silly, like disagreeing with the will of the people as dictated by our Lord Protector Theresa May.”

“These extraordinary measures will be needed only for a short while, until the Enabling Act 2017 (Law to Remedy the Distress of People and Reich) has been passed into law.”

“At that point the Reich Kabinett and the Fuhrer herself will be free to rule by decree, free from interference from the treacherous democratic elements that have dogged Parliament for centuries with their moderate ideals.”

Nodding in agreement, the show’s host David Dimbleby said: “Yes, and as the state broadcaster the BBC has a legal and moral obligation to help the Tories stay in power and hold to account the opposing political groups, be they Labour or traitors who wish to remain in the crumbling EU.”

“Take the BBC’s reluctance to give coverage to the large anti Brexit march in London a few days ago. This was the largest protest in the UK since the Iraq war protests in 2003, but we managed to downplay the size of the crowd and give the impression that it was nothing more than a small group of hard line activists, not a popular movement against the heroically dictatorial government we now enjoy.”

A spokesman for Labour’s Jeremy Corbyn said: “Jeremy opposes the Tories with all his strength, and that is why he intends to impose a three line whip to make sure Labour MPs vote with the Government on this important issue.”

Image credit: Horace McSavage


BBC Question Time to spend full hour on Jeremy Corbyn’s tax return and why it makes him unelectable

BBC Question Time will spend a full hour discussing Jeremy Corbyn’s tax return and why it proves he is definitely unelectable, it has been decided.

Speaking in her capacity as spokesperson for the Conservative Party, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “It is unfair and unpatriotic of Jeremy Corbyn to divert attention away from his proven unelectability and onto the obviously dodgy tax affairs of senior Conservatives such as Philip Hammond or Theresa May.”

“Fortunately, the BBC stands ready to hold the Labour leader to account for his antidemocratic and unpatriotic opposition to this government, which has an unchallengeable mandate to do anything it wants under the guise of the will of the people.”

“And that is why this week’s Question Time will be dedicated in its entirety to smearing Jeremy Corbyn even more than normal.”

“Theresa May asked us to ensure that the opening question is ‘does the panel agree with everybody in Britain that Jeremy Corbyn is an unelectable tax dodger, and when do you think he should resign?'”

“The second question will see the panel asked why they think Theresa May is loved so much by the people, and how brilliant things will be when she takes us out of the EU.”

“In the unlikely event that an anti-Tory audience member manages to speak, they will be overdubbed with a recording of New Labour attack dog John McTernan ranting about Jeremy Corbyn.”


Philip Hammond won’t publish tax return because ‘honest tax affairs are for the little people’

Philip Hammond believes that he shouldn’t have to publish his tax return because ‘honest tax affairs are for the little people’, it has emerged.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer is understood to be considering publishing details of his earnings and tax avoidance, after Jeremy Corbyn published his own tax return and challenged the Tory front bench to do the same.

However,  Hammond remains defiant: “Taxes are for the little people, not wealthy government ministers like me who are too good to use public services like the NHS.”

“I don’t really give a fuck what voters think about my financial situation and whether or not I pay my taxes honestly. There’s not very much in the way of tax avoidance in my return anyway.”

“Now that we Tories have a major fake news outlet like the BBC fighting for us, we barely have to worry about the opposition these days.”

“And thanks in part to how good the BBC has become at holding the unelectable, unpatriotic opposition to account, people who are quite stupid will keep on voting for us no matter what.”

“I’ll probably just sit tight for a while and watch the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg try to smear Jeremy Corbyn over nonexistent mistakes in his tax return.”


NHS debate not as interesting as giving platform to xenophobes, says David Dimbleby

The debate about the perilous state of the National Health Service is not as interesting as giving a platform to xenophobics, the BBC’s David Dimbleby has argued.

Speaking on this week’s BBC Question Time, the former Bullingdon Club member said: “I take my role as host of the BBC’s flagship propaganda programme extremely seriously, just like the show’s audience producer who deliberately packs the audience with people who support UKIP and other far right groups.”

“For the good of the Government and in the interest of national security, we try to avoid debating the NHS because it’s a topic that tends to favour unelectable left wing parties who actually give a shit about public services and the well being of people.”

“Instead, we arrange it so that the majority of time is taken up with Brexit and other topics that can be used to bully left wing panelists, much to the political advantage of the Conservatives and other right wing extremist parties.”

“And if it looks like a Labour politician is about to make a popular point about how they would spend more on the NHS, I’ll quickly interrupt under the guise of ‘balance’ and state as fact my personal opinion that the Conservatives AND Labour are both wrong.”


BBC gets banned from Facebook minutes after launch of ‘fake news’ algorithm

The BBC has been banned from Facebook within minutes of the social media platform’s launch of a new algorithm that detects and blocks ‘fake news’, it has emerged.

Tory propagandist Laura Kuenssberg expressed concerns about the growing public awareness about ‘fake news’, saying: “As propagandist in chief of the Conservative Party, it is my legal and moral duty to hold the Labour opposition to account using lies and highly biased reporting.”

“When I first heard that ‘fake news’ was to be targeted on social media, I assumed Facebook were looking to crush the independent, left wing news websites that have filled the vacuum left by the predominantly hard-right mainstream media.”

“Sites like The Canary have already done far too much to expose the truth about me and my Conservative masters, and there are many people in parliament or in the mainstream media who would love to see independent, left wing media disappear.”

“However, I was deeply disappointed to learn that news stories put out by fake journalists like me are also going to be put under objective scrutiny.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to keep the working people of Britain ignorant and oppressed if I’m prevented from inserting my lies into the social media feed of unsuspecting voters?”

The Conservative Journalist of the Year added: “The PM is absolutely livid, because this raises the possibility that voters may discover the truth about how she’s trying to screw them in so many devious ways.”

A spokeswoman for Facebook has given assurances that users will still be able to opt-in to receive BBC ‘fake news’ in their feeds, but it will come tagged with the words ‘Biased Bullshit Corporation’.


Corbyn ‘fake news’ way more newsworthy than NHS crisis, according to mainstream media

Anti-Corbyn ‘fake news’ is way more newsworthy than the humanitarian crisis the Tories have deliberately created in the NHS, the mainstream media has decided.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “It is vital that the British public are not permitted to see the true horror of what my good friends in the Government are doing to the National Health Service.”

“By ramping up efforts to manufacture fake news about Jeremy Corbyn, it is hoped that we can create an impenetrable  smokescreen for as long as Mr Hunt needs to complete his dismantling of our unfair and anachronistic universal health care system.”

But even some hard right media outlets have been unable to ignore the issues facing the NHS. An insider at the Daily Mail, who wished to remain anonymous, told Newscrasher: “Because most of our readers are old and infirm, they have a strong interest in the existence of a well run health service, free at the point of use, so we probably do need to report the so-called NHS humanitarian crisis.”

“However, we’re careful to shift blame away from the government’s evil policies and onto our favourite scapegoats: immigrants, gays and the EU. If we play our cards right, the NHS crisis might even accelerate the rise of British fascism that we and many of our readers are so eager to see.”