Christianity is definitely compatible with forcing the people into starvation and homelessness this Christmas, the government has decided.
Speaking to the BBC’s Conservative Journalist of the Year Laura Kuenssberg, the prime minister said: “I’m a devout Christian and although there are some interesting ideas in the New Testament, our policies are mainly based on the extremely cruel teachings that can be found in the Old Testament.”
“Bigotry, genocide and slavery are all in there, which is great for us Tories because we can be as evil as Hitler and still claim to be Christians. I’m pushing policies that are destroying the lives of ordinary people by forcing them into poverty, starvation and homelessness, but I’m still totally Christian.”
“God told me it’s OK to do what we’ve been doing to the poorest and most vulnerable in society. He said the same to Iain Duncan Smith as well. Now there’s a man who is right to be proud of his record of manslaughter.”
“On a personal note, I was never a big fan of Jesus Christ anyway. His left wing ideas about tolerance, helping the poor and curing the sick lack a certain Britishness. Jesus really is out of touch with public opinion these days.”
“Even worse, his family were health tourist immigrants who had poor financial planning, and I firmly believe the authorities of Judea were fully justified in putting that potential terrorist to death in the way they did.”