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Khan photographed sharing platform with extremist

The Mayor of London Sadiq Khan has been caught sharing a platform with extremist Prime Minister David Cameron, it has emerged.

The mishap is said to have taken place as both men campaigned for the Britain to remain within the European Union. Mr Khan said: “we both believe passionately that the United Kingdom is better off as part of the European Union, but for very different reasons.

“I firmly believe the benefits of EU membership for the people of this country greatly outweigh any of the drawbacks.”

Mr Cameron added: “Look, I hate the poor and the vulnerable as much as the next hard-right Tory extremist, and I deeply resent the protections for worker and human rights that the EU has given us.”

“But as someone who is rich due to ripping-off the taxpayer, I strongly believe that remaining in the EU will allow me to protect my vast personal wealth, and keep getting richer at the expense of the poor.”

“I am also concerned about the prospect of an increase in the price of importing pork products from the continent, including pig’s heads.”

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Middle East urgently needs more wars, says Tony Blair

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair believes the entire Middle-East is in urgent need of a lot more war, it has emerged.

Speaking to a journalist from the Guardian, a paper which recently sold-out to corporate interests and the right, Mr Blair said: “My visionary intervention in Iraq has unleashed hell all across Iraq and Syria, with millions of ordinary people dead, including women and children, and with many more displaced.”

“It is now time to build on this shining success by bringing yet more war to the Middle-East, and once everyone there is either dead or has left, I am supremely confident that my prayers will be answered and democracy will finally be established across the region.”

The alleged war criminal and Middle East Peace Envoy also argued that “Labour can only win a general election with a leader who cares passionately about selling out the poor, is totally insincere, and is willing to send millions of people to their death on a whim. Basically me.”

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Iain Duncan Smith to freeze to death sleeping rough in London to show he understands austerity

Iain Duncan Smith has announced he intends to be frozen to death while sleeping rough in London, to prove he understands the hardship caused by the Conservative Government’s cruel austerity policies.

The former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said: “As one of the chief architects of the government’s cruel austerity regime, I am uniquely qualified to understand the plight of the poorest and most vulnerable in society.”

“David Cameron, with whom I colluded to totally destroy the lives of millions of Britons, thinks he can understand how austerity feels just by walking round a supermarket pretending to buy food. It’s totally fucking laughable.”

“To show the little people how much better I understand the impact of austerity on their pitiful lives, I am pleased to announce that starting from today I will be sleeping rough in London every night until I eventually freeze to death.”

Within minutes of Mr Duncan Smith’s announcement the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg tweeted: “Homelessness is caused exclusively by Corbyn’s refusal to back brave Cameron’s necessary welfare reforms.”

Figures in the Labour Party have welcomed the announcement, with one opposition front-bencher calling on the rest of the Conservative Party to follow Mr Duncan Smith’s example.

Prime Minister David Cameron is said to be angered at being upstaged by the former Minister for Manslaughter, especially after he invested so much effort into his highly stage-managed visit to a supermarket. However, Mr Cameron may well have the last laugh when he visits the homeless Iain Duncan Smith to burn a 50 pound note.

Eric Pickles has also now joined the austerity arms-race, and has floated the idea of starving himself to death, a process that experts say may take until at least the year 2025 given his size.

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Tories accuse others of being Hitler and fail to see the irony

Extreme-right politicians who have recently made ludicrous comparisons to Hitler and the Nazis have also failed to realise the irony, it has emerged.

One Tory politician, Boris Johnson, has even been diagnosed with ‘Hitler Tourettes’ by medical professionals after a series of bizarre outbursts which culminated in the claims that “the European Union is Hitler” and that he would be “a wonderfully British Hitler” if he were to become UK Prime Minister.

However, Mr Johnson’s claims were immediately rejected by Prime Minister David Cameron, who said that “wanting to leave the EU is like being ISIS and Stalin and Hitler all at the same time”.

When asked whether he recognises the unintended irony in his statement, Mr Cameron said: “I have completely failed to see the irony in it, yes.”

“Moreover, I have utterly failed to see the irony in my accusation that Jeremy Corbyn is a terrorist sympathiser, an accusation I made just a few months after I proposed giving air support to help terrorists in Syria.”

“What’s more, I have also missed the obvious irony in accusing Labour of being anti-semitic, when I am in fact leader of a hard-right party that is crammed full of racists and bigots.”

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I’m a modern day Churchill fighting against Hitler, Suggests Jeremy Hunt

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has today claimed his battle with the entire medical profession and the vast majority of the British public is ‘like being Winston Churchill fighting against Hitler’.

Mr Hunt told Newsnight: “I’m battling for Britain against doctors, against nurses and against patients, and I imagine this is how Winston Churchill felt at the height of the Battle of Britain, facing down the overwhelming odds of Hitler’s Nazi war machine.”

“When I wrote my book about how I would go about dismantling the NHS, I was absolutely clear that I am passionate about making the NHS work for those earning £100,000 a year or more, and for shareholders in the private medical industry, and this is exactly the aim of my demented plans for NHS reform.”

Commenting on the ongoing dispute between NHS staff and the Government, Boris Johnson said: “When I become Prime Minister of a fully independent United Kingdom, I will immediately abolish the National Health Service, or the ‘National Hitler Service’ as me and my Eton chums often call it, because it penalises those with vast inherited wealth like me, David Cameron, George Osborne, and many other Conservative MPs.”

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Electoral fraud made necessary by anti-Tory bias of public, says David Cameron

Prime Minister David Cameron has today defended his party’s massive electoral fraud as a necessary measure to counteract the anti-Tory bias of the voting public.

Speaking to the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, Mr Cameron said: “What we have is a voting public who by-and-large do not like the ideals of the selfish shits who populate the Conservative Party.”

“This represents a hugely unfair bias against our party, and it is only right that we should try to redress this problem using premeditated and carefully orchestrated electoral fraud.”

“Together with substantial help from several of our friends who own right-wing media corporations, we were able to fool enough people into voting Conservative for us to obtain a Parliamentary majority, despite this being to the detriment of the overwhelming majority of the British people.”

Asked about the recent right-wing ‘coup’ taking place in Brazil, the Prime Minister said: “Due to the inherent global bias against parties like ours which work only for the 1 per cent, the hard-right need to find ever more elaborate ways to seize power. I congratulate the Brazilian hard-right for imposing themselves on the people of Brazil and for their immediate implementation of Osbornian austerity policies which target the poorest and most vulnerable.”

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All your problems will cease to exist after Brexit, say Brexit campaigners

Each and every problem that people face in everyday life will immediately disappear if Britain votes to leave the European Union, according a leaflet issued by pro-Brexit campaigners.

The 14745 page leaflet gives an exhaustive list of problems that will cease to exist after Brexit, including ‘being unable to open a carrier bag without using saliva’, ‘ingrowing toenails’, and ‘the presence of Noel Edmonds on television at Christmas’.

Speaking to Sky News after the leaflet was launched, Nigel Farage said: “There’s no real evidence for it, but it’s a scientific fact that everything that’s bad or problematic in this country is caused by foreigners and the European Union.”

“I urge people with little or no grasp on reality to vote for Brexit against their own best interest, and I promise quite categorically that all your wildest dreams will then come true.”

Brexit campaigners have also claimed that once Britain leaves the EU, the significant subset of the public who are bigoted or racist will no longer have to see foreigners, Muslims, or people with brown skin.

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David Cameron overheard calling himself ‘fantastically corrupt’

David Cameron’s description of himself as “fantastically corrupt” has been branded “unfair” and “embarrassing” by leaders of Nigeria and Afghanistan, both of whom claim to be at least 50 per cent more corrupt than Mr Cameron.

The Prime Minister was caught on camera making the unflattering remark about himself during a conversation with the Queen ahead of an ironic anti-corruption summit he is hosting in London.

Later that day, a spokesman for the David Cameron told reporters: “The Prime Minister is fiercely proud of his record of global corruption and tax dodging, and believes his expertise in this area is second to none.”

“David considers corruption to be ‘fantastic’ only in the sense that it allows unscrupulous elected officials to covertly generate fantastic levels of personal wealth, which until recently could be easily hidden in offshore tax avoidance schemes in tax havens such as Panama.”

“However, the Prime Minister wishes to clarify that any corruption he may be suspected of, be this now in the future, has been carried out purely for research purposes, and the money is merely resting in his offshore accounts.”

 

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Our Lord Jesus Christ would support Tory austerity, claims Stephen Crabb

Jesus Christ would agree with the cruel austerity policies of the Conservative Government, Stephen Crabb has claimed.

Speaking during David Cameron’s international conference on ‘How to Increase the Suffering of the Poorest in Society While Pretending to Make the World a Better Place’, the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said: “Our Lord Jesus Christ would totally have given approval to our government’s vindictive austerity policies.”

“Jesus himself lived without possessions, setting an example of austerity which we are now trying to impose on the working poor and the unemployed, much to their detriment.”

“Among the most relevant messages in the Bible is how God created us sick and commanded us to be well, much like the Fitness to Work assessments which have seen the severely ill and disabled commanded to heal themselves or regrow missing limbs, under threat of sanctions, starvation and certain death.”

“Jesus showed us there is virtue in suffering and starvation, for at the end of his life Christ was hounded by the authorities, before being tortured to death by cruel government officials. Much like my Government Department is trying to do to the poor, vulnerable and disabled in Britain today.”

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