Iain Duncan Smith discovered conscience in the attic

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher about his decision to resign from the Department of Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith has explained how he found his conscience and abandoned his campaign of terror against those who are disabled, sick, or unemployed.

“For years i asked Betsy to see if she could find my conscience, and after a root around in the loft of our holiday home in the south of France, she found it discarded in a box that hadn’t been opened since 1991.”
“I opened it last night and the immediate warm glow made me realise what a complete bastard I’d been for all these years.”
“I can only apologise to all the disabled people I screwed over. I know that I caused thousands of deaths, but with my conscience now regained I can finally take a stand against David Cameron and back Jeremy Corbyn fully.”
“I look forward to the Labour party processing my application as soon as possible. Keep the red flag flying, comrades!”

Man who hounded the disabled and sick resigns because another man proposed doing more of the same

A member of the Conservative government who persistently hounded the disabled and sick over a period of years has today resigned because the Chancellor proposed hounding the sick and disabled in his new budget.

In his explosive resignation letter Mr Duncan Smith said: “I am unable to watch passively whilst certain policies are enacted in order to meet the fiscal self-imposed restraints that I believe are more and more perceived as distinctly political rather than in the national economic interest,”

“Too often my team and I have been pressured in the immediate run up to a budget or fiscal event to deliver yet more reductions to the working-age benefit bill.

“There has been too much emphasis on money-saving exercises and not enough awareness from the Treasury, in particular, that the government’s vision of a new welfare-to-work system could not be repeatedly salami-sliced.

“It is therefore with enormous regret that I have decided to resign.”

The pro-Conservative BBC political editor Laura Kuenssberg said:”To be fair, George Osborne has an incredibly difficult job to do, and his redistribution of wealth from the poorest to the wealthiest is unquestionably the best course of action for the Chancellor to take.”


We just want to watch your future burn, say baby boomer parents

A couple from Surrey have taken time out from planning their third foreign holiday of the year to ponder the extent to which they would like to destroy the futures of their adult children.

Having enjoyed a lifetime of generous public services, good working conditions and affordable house prices, baby boomers Mr and Mrs Buswell believe they’ve earned the right to a comfortable retirement, funded by the feckless younger generations of today.

Mary, a former admin assistant, said: “We voted UKIP because that nice Mr Farage pledged to stop brown people coming into the country or getting benefits, but neither of us was particularly upset when the Tories won, because we knew they’d keep house prices sky high and would keep screwing over people who are young, poor or foreign.”

Faced with the momentous decision of which way to vote in the referendum on membership of the European Union the Buswells expect to carefully weigh-up the facts, before eventually succumbing to their prejudices about people who aren’t British or white.

Her husband Edward, a former soldier who also worked in the sewage processing industry, added: “On balance, we feel sticking two fingers up to all  foreigners everywhere must take precedence over trivial issues like the economic and social benefits of access to the common market or mutually beneficial cooperation with our European neighbours.”


Proposed reforms to English language will make criticism of Tories impossible, say Labour

Several high profile members of the Labour party have spoken out strongly against the reforms to the English language proposed by the Government.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn described the proposed reforms as “fundamentally undermining our right to freedom of expression” and “an attempt to implement the Orwellian nightmare of newspeak.”

The reforms include changes to grammar rules so that negative or insulting adjectives cannot be used when the Conservative Party or the name of any Conservative MP is the subject of the sentence. The Government has also published a list of recommended adjectives for use when Conservatives are the subject, ranging from ‘good’ to ‘double-plus good’.

Conversely, positive adjectives will no longer be permitted in sentences where Labour is the subject. To describe Jeremy Corbyn, the only permitted adjectives are to be ‘hard-left’ and ‘terrorist sympathiser’ — a rule that is already being strictly observed by the Daily Mail.

Speaking in Parliament about the proposed reforms, hard right prime minister David Cameron said: “What this country needs is a strong economy and an end to terrorism. By making efficiency savings to the vocabulary of the English language, our reforms will not only boost economic activity and create jobs, but will make it impossible for terrorist sympathisers like Jeremy Corbyn to threaten the security of hardworking families earning £100,000 or more a year.”

However, a number of Blatcherite Labour MPs have expressed incredulity that Jeremy Corbyn would oppose the bill. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a prominent Blatcherite MP said: “Jeremy needs to get real and recognise that the Tories won, and they won because Labour weren’t right wing enough. Honestly, we need to be more appealing to the right wing voters who would have voted for Tony Blair, and this means supporting the Tory crackdown on thought-crime.”

The mouthy MP added: “Once I’ve stabbed Jeremy in the front and back and assumed leadership of the party, I can guarantee you I’ll take Labour back to Tory-lite against the wishes of the party membership.”

A number of prominent Conservative MPs have voiced strong support for the bill. Speaking outside Parliament, Government minister Chris Grayling told reporters: “Long have satirical bullies conspired to disparage and humiliate the honest and caring Conservative members of Parliament, of which I am an exceptional example.”

“Words cannot express how pleased I am that soon it will be impossible for the Conservative Government to be the subject of mirth and ridicule, be this via the intelligent satire of broadcasters like Charlie Brooker, or crude internet memes alluding to the unproven but undenied allegation that David Cameron once fucked a dead pig in the head.”


MPs left stunned as fully nude Theresa May debates snooper’s charter

MPs were left stunned today as Home Secretary Theresa May opted to go fully nude during a parliamentary debate on the new investigatory powers bill.

Speaking about new legislation that will allow the state to intrude on the privacy of every man, woman and child in Britain Mrs May said: “The threat of terrorism posed by jihadis and the Labour Party can only be defeated by placing everybody under 24 hour surveillance. That is why I stand before you, completely naked, with nothing whatsoever to hide, and thus nothing to fear.”

Speaking outside Parliament, Labour MP Harriet Harman described the Home Secretary’s nude speech as “daring and inspirational, an example to us all.”

However, Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron labeled it a “cheap stunt designed to deflect attention” from what he claimed is “the sinister totalitarian agenda of the Home Secretary.”


People thank me for stopping their benefits, says Iain Duncan Smith

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has today claimed that 75% of people who’ve suffered benefit sanctions thanked him personally for “helping them focus and get on.”

Mr Duncan Smith said: “One man came up me who said he’d been in a wheelchair. He hadn’t had use of his legs since 1998, but when DWP staff tricked him into losing his benefits, this helped him focus and he told me how he’d subsequently adopted a Bruce Lee style training plan that enabled him to grow his legs back again.”

“Now he not only walks, but is a black belt at Karate.”

“Every day I am humbled,” added Duncan Smith, “at the love and affection given to me by the disabled. Some even ask me for their autograph and there’s nothing more moving than posing for a selfie with a formerly disabled person who grew their legs back and can now stand up. It’s all thanks to me!


Tories to raise retirement age to 100

Amid the general melee of the EU referendum campaigning, the Government have today attempted to bury yet more bad news. In a low key briefing, it was announced that the retirement age is to be raised to 100.

At a sparsely attended press conference, Minister of State for Employment Priti Patel said: “I have always agreed with Iain Duncan Smith and Adolf Hitler that works sets you free. And by raising the retirement age to 100, we will be able to free pensioners from reliance on handouts from hard working people, in addition to freeing those earning more than £100,000, who will see substantial tax cuts due to the resulting savings.”

“Whilst it is only fair that today’s hardworking pensioners get the retirement they deserve, today’s young are feckless and retirement would clearly destroy the motivation and innovation of the elderly to vote Conservative.”

“The Government has launched an independent review of the retirement age, and we are sure that the authors of the report, all loyal retired senior civil servants, will conclude from the available evidence that our plan is absolutely correct.”

Sniping at Corbyn more important than smashing Tories, says Jess Phillips

Firebrand moderate Labour MP Jess Phillips has repeated her calls for Blairite Labour MPs to stay the course in their campaign of sniping against left wing Jeremy Corbyn.

Ms Phillips, who is tipped to depose  the current Labour leader  warned: “Labour members and the voting public may find Jeremy Corbyn’s policies hugely attractive, People’s Chancellor John McDonnell may be doing a great job, and all this under a sustained campaign of media monstering.”

“Admittedly, it’s hard to find fault with Jeremy. But despite being elected to parliament many times during his career in politics, and despite also being elected to party leader in a landslide, my concern is he just isn’t electable. There’s no real evidence for it, but it’s an established fact.”

“Look, in an ideal world Labour would oppose Tory benefit cuts, would fight for better public services, and would push for fair redistribution of wealth and resources. But it just isn’t realistic to think we’d be able to win a general election on this kind of idealistic platform. Our only chance is to betray our support base and copy the Tories.”

“I believe moving Labour to the right would be entirely justified. I have always argued that Labour caused the global banking crisis and the ensuing recession, and by voting Labour in 1997 the poor and disabled are directly responsible for that, so it’s only fair that they should now pay with benefit cuts.”

“The reality now is that we must not allow a left wing Labour leader have a clear run at winning the local or general elections, mainly because the resulting improvement in the lives of tens of millions of the poorest Britons would be disastrous for those on middle and high incomes, but also because we need to perpetuate the myth that only Blairites can oppose the Tories or win general elections.”

“That is why I and others have, from the very beginning, waged a war of backstabbing, front-stabbing or any-stabbing against Corbyn and Momentum, to make quite sure Her Majesty’s Opposition is seen to be divided and continuously in an internal crisis.”

“Because if there’s one thing worse than seeing the Tories win, it’s seeing a genuinely left wing Labour Party get in.”


George Osborne to buy smoke machines from EDF to create a long-term economic smoke screen

Right wing Chancellor George Osborne has announced it is the Treasury’s intention to buy an undisclosed quantity of smoke machines from EDF, to create what he called “a long term economic smoke screen.”
Paying twice the market value, Osborne insisted that the untested technology would prove valuable to the British economy in producing record numbers of the unemployed.
He told Newscrasher: “As the conservative party has long believed, unemployment is a price worth paying, and I am confident that our Chinese partners will be as enthusiastic about the long-term economic smoke screen as we are.”
The chancellor refused to comment on press reports that China is actually in recession.

G4S to sell juvenile prison to McDonalds

G4S is to sell its Medway juvenile prison to fast food giant McDonalds, it has been announced today. A spokeswoman for G4S said the Medway Secure Training Centre in Kent had seen a fall in profitability due to a recent spate of violence by guards and inmates.

A McDonalds spokesman, speaking exclusively to Newscrasher claimed “for decades we have been renowned for our high quality food that contains important nutritional elements such as water, for our educational projects with children thanks to plastic toy film tie-ins, and Ronald McDonald, an icon among the young. This move into the prison sector is a welcome diversification of our business, and is expected to further enhance our share of the fast-food market.”

“Not only will the inmates be able to enjoy breakfast, lunch and dinner carefully selected by us from the McDonalds menu, they will also enjoy paying their way by working within an adjoining McDonalds restaurant and drive-thru, to be constructed at the expense of the taxpayer.”

The news has been welcomed by Home Secretary Theresa May, whose husband Philip bought a substantial shareholding in McDonalds last week.


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