Ghost of war criminal unaware he’s been dead since 2007

The ghost of reviled war criminal and former barrister Tony Blair has today launched a stinging attack on current Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn.

Speaking to the Guardian, he said: “I’m struggling to grasp the high popularity of Jeremy Corbyn, given the question of his low popularity.”

“As a member of the wealthy elite, I’m skeptical of mavericks like Corbyn and Bernie Sanders, who embody the loss of faith in the right wing of their respective parties.”

The former friend of Rupert Murdoch, who denied ever touching Wendy’s dong, added: “Sanders I’m sure means well, but ideas like universal healthcare or affordable education are discredited twentieth century concepts. People need to pay their way.”

Turning closer to home, he warned against reversing cuts to public services: “Free healthcare and education: well, that’s great, but there’s no money. An end to war, but there are always going be liars like me to fool the country into new wars, for which there’s always money.”

“It’s hot down here, you know.”


EU exit will allow us to implement Nazism and fight Labour terror threat, says Iain Duncan Smith

Remaining within the EU will prevent the Conservative government from implementing Nazism, and will hinder the fight against Labour party terrorists, Iain Duncan Smith has claimed in an interview with the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.

Euroskeptic Mr Duncan Smith is one of the several cabinet ministers to have declared support for the UK to leave the EU. Outlining his vision for a fully independent UK, he said: “Our continued membership of the European Union places unacceptable constraints on what the British government can do to its people, particularly in terms of human rights abuses.”

“As I battle for Britain against those who are on benefits, there are a number of measures that are urgently needed. Concentration work camps would, for example, reduce the overall benefits bill and would teach survival skills, self reliance, and a work ethic to the disabled and unemployed. Siting large scale crematoria close to these camps would make it possible to more efficiently dispose of the bodies of former claimants who die shortly after being declared fit for work and taken off benefits. These are just examples of some of the incredible efficiency savings that we would be able to implement for the benefit of taxpayers earning £100,000 or more. I know this kind of thing has been tried before, but you can trust this government to put in place the relevant safeguards to ensure Nazism works this time around.”

After a few moments punching the air and laughing raucously, the Work and Pensions Secretary added: “Leaving the EU will give us back the powers we need to crack down on terrorist elements in the unions and the Labour Party, and will also let us reform our democracy to make the Conservative Party the party of eternal government.”


Tories to force the homeless to pay council tax

Today the Conservatives have announced plans that would see the homeless forced to pay council tax, echoing original plans for the Poll Tax.

To little fanfare, a tired and emotional David Cameron took time out from his largely hopeless renegotiation of the UK’s place in the European Union, to announce the new policy to reporters: “For too long, the government has been a soft touch on homelessness.”

“But homeless people use council services too. Local policing costs are expended in maintaining order on the streets, council legal campaigns against soup kitchens cost money, and the hogging of the pavements by the homeless presents huge costs to councils, which could otherwise generate revenue by renting that space. It is, therefore, only fair that the homeless should pay the costs of their homelessness.”

Homeless people will be required to register with their local police force, who will then issue an invoice for council tax, including a small surcharge to cover the additional costs to the police.

When asked how homeless people would be able to afford to pay the tax, a government spokesman said: “In the event that a homeless person’s begging income is insufficient to cover the council tax bill and police surcharge, the DWP will provide advice on how to beg more efficiently”

“In extreme cases, thanks to a landmark agreement between ATOS, Wonga and the DWP, a homeless person may obtain a loan secured against their soul, to be repaid by becoming a tenant in one of the new ATOS workhouses.”

Labour has vowed to vigorously oppose this new policy, a move which some senior cabinet ministers have branded “tantamount to supporting terrorism”.


Poll: Should Iain Duncan Smith be prosecuted?

Few would disagree that Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has introduced a number of policies that have been detrimental to those who are disabled, sick, or unemployed.

Some have even gone as far as to argue that a number of his policies are an abuse of human rights, with new evidence suggesting tens of thousands of premature deaths have been the result of these policies.

Should Iain Duncan Smith face investigation and possibly even prosecution for what he’s doing? You decide.

Please feel free to leave a comment below after casting your vote.


Iain Duncan Smith to be ‘role model’ for the disabled

The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith has today given an speech outlining his plans to become a role model for the disabled.

His proposal includes being subjected to a rigorous Fitness to Govern test each year, to set a positive example to those who are disabled and already undergo similar testing.

The test is to be drawn up by his wife Betsy, and will employ the rigour that the Secretary of State has become known for in his life. He said: “I particularly welcome the involvement of my wife in this political stunt, and I firmly believe she can give the same level of taxpayer value that was last seen in 2002 when she was my diary secretary.”

“In addition to having had an illustrious military career and fathering a substantial number of children with my millionaire wife, I also have a quite extraordinary academic prowess. I won a place to read management at Dunchurch, and also studied at the prestigious Italian University of Perugia; even though I was not awarded any qualification from either, the academic rigour involved makes me uniquely qualified to lead the DWP through these difficult times. I am also one of the few people who has ever been able to live on £53 a week.”

“The aim of this project is to be a role model for the disabled, giving them a role model that can truly inspire them to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and get back into work.”

The exact details of the sanction regime have not yet been given.


Second class rail carriages to be replaced by first class

The British government has announced today that second class rail carriages are to be completely phased out by 2017, and will be replaced with first class carriages on all rail services.

A spokesman explained that the policy is intended to provide greater value for money for shareholders, while also improving customer satisfaction for high earners. However, ordinary commuters are expected to face huge fare rises when the new first class only services come into service.

The spokesman added: “Travelers earning more than £100,000 a year have consistently shown overwhelming support for a reduction in second class carriages, and shareholders have also asked for competitive profit growth. This new measure represents the best of both worlds, and will for the first time give Britain a truly first class rail system.”


Westminster Council to force homeless to wear advertising boards

Westminster Council has announced the introduction of a new scheme that will see the homeless forced pay for their sleeping bag pitches by wearing advertising boards.
The council says the policy, called “Extracting Human Value From Public Space” is being rolled out to address concerns that the homeless provide unfair competition with street traders, who pay the council tens of thousands of pounds a year.
A spokesman for the council said: “This innovative scheme is another world first, continuing the good record of public service our councilors established since 1986.” He added: “We’re calling time on the free lunch for the homeless in Westminster”
The advertising is to be provided by Westminster Council’s commercial partners, which include Capita and McKinsey.
The government is understood to be enthusiastic about this scheme, and has asked civil servants to look at having it rolled out to the entire country.

Even Our Lord Jesus Christ didn’t suffer this kind of persecution, says Iain Duncan Smith

Iain Duncan Smith has today lashed out at critics of his treatment of the disabled, the ill, the unemployed, and those who are in receipt of in work benefits.

The Conservative MP for Chingford and Woodford Green said: “Look, I went to look round Auschwitz in 2009 so I know about suffering, not to mention what human beings can be made to do when demonized, brutalized and starved, in a cold bureaucratic place of death.

“Little did I know that in 2010, only a year later, I would take charge of the DWP, reshaping it into a cold bureaucratic place of death. Nor did I imagine that I would soon have the opportunity to plunge children, the sick and disabled into poverty, or to force people to work as virtual slaves at Poundland, for the benefit of the wealthiest.”

The minister continued: “The way I’m being persecuted by the disabled, the unemployed and those who have died immediately after being declared fit for work is hurtful and completely unjustified. Even the persecution inflicted upon our dear Lord Jesus Christ pales in comparison to what I’ve been subjected to; I’m just trying to get on and do my job.”

Some might say Iain Duncan Smith learnt the wrong lessons from his tour of Auschwitz. The full text of his report on his visit, as part of the Lessons From Auschwitz project, can be found here.


I’m even more socialist than Bernie, says Clinton

Democratic Party hopeful Hillary Clinton has today shocked the country by parading her left-wing credentials. At a packed news conference, Hillary raised the stakes in her battle with social democrat Bernie Sanders by claiming to be “even more socialist than Bernie.”

Mrs Clinton said: “Thanks to my superior wealth creation ability, I’ve paid way more in taxes than Bernie, despite being a lot younger and not having the benefit of white privilege. And all those taxes have gone to help pay for things like medicare and other public services Bill and I are way too rich to use.”

“The vast personal wealth I’ve amassed during my career in politics is merely resting in my account; just as soon as I’m elected president of the United States, this money will be donated to a variety of charities and causes to improve the lives of the poorest and most vulnerable in our horribly unequal society. That’s 32,015,000 reasons to choose me as the Democratic Party’s presidential candidate.”

The announcement was greeted with some skepticism. There have even been suggestions that this is a cynical, last-ditch attempt to steal support from Bernie Sanders, after he overtook Clinton in the polls this week.


School pupils must pay their way, says Nicky Morgan

The secretary of state for education, Nicky Morgan, has today unveiled plans for children to pay their way through school. Factories are to be built on school playing fields, in which pupils would work to pay for their tuition.

Mrs Morgan said: “Our radical proposals are based on what voters up and down the country told us they wanted at the recent general election, and we are proud to bring British state education into the twelfth century. Families will have more choice in the education system than ever, and pupils will now be able to obtain significant vocation training to boost their career opportunities.”

A spokesperson for Mrs Morgan added: “Children will be able to choose from a variety of exciting and rewarding roles, from iPad assembly line operatives, to factory canteen staff, to telephone sanitizers, setting them in good stead for a lifetime of indentured labour for their wealthy overlords.”

It is understood that families will have the option to pay a £10,000 annual tuition fee if they choose full time education for their child, with the option to undergo work experience as a member of the board of directors.



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