Toby Young has resigned in order to spend more time being a twat, it has been reported.
The hard-right idealogue told reporters: “Even though I am barely a few days into my new job at the Office for Students, I have decided to resign in order to pursue new personal and professional challenges.”
“I am resigning not because of the outrage that my ill-advised appointment has caused, but because I would like to spend more time being a complete twat.”
“It is a shame that Momentum thugs have chosen to hound me on Twitter, just because of of some trivial remarks I made when I was in my late 40s.”
“I had big plans to destroy the education of hundreds of thousands of university students by forcing them to listen to crazed far-right propagandists like Milo Yiannopoulos and Rupert Murdoch.”
“I can also now reveal I had plans to create a mandatory module titled ‘The Benefits of Brexit and the Evils of the EUSSR’, which would have ensured only the brightest and most committed to the Brexit cause should be awarded a degree.”
“Now if you would all please excuse me, I have to go and be hateful and misogynistic on Twitter.”
Former Prime Minister David Cameron has announced he is to stand down as a member of Parliament, in order to spend more time doing drugs and having sex with pig heads.
The 49-year-old has been Conservative MP for Witney since 2001, and became Conservative leader in 2005. During his six-year term as Prime Minister, Mr. Cameron and his cabinet of millionaires presided over the destruction of public services for private profit, as well as massive increases in homelessness and poverty.
Speaking to journalists outside his very expensive home, David Cameron said: “Having irreparably fucked up the country, and having caused the death or suffering of thousands, if not millions of British citizens, I think I’m going to bugger off to enjoy my offshored personal wealth now.”
“To the ordinary people who voted for my party in two general elections, and to those whose lives I callously ruined to help the rich get richer, I have only one message.”
“Farewell and fuck you all.”
On learning of Cameron’s announcement, Iain Duncan Smith said: “Although I disagree with David on the issue of the European Union, I have always admired his willingness to harm or kill large numbers of people, including the disabled and children, in pursuit of the wholesale liquidation of all public services.”
“Some people may want to see me on trial for crimes against humanity, but I would like everybody to know that just like the concentration camp guards, I was merely following orders from my superiors.”
British Prime Minister David Cameron is expected to resign in the very near future, as the result of a perfect storm of self-inflicted scandals concerning allegations over drug-taking, sex with a deceased pig, corruption, tax dodging, cheating in elections, and manslaughter of the sick and disabled.
Speculation abounds regarding which Conservative MP will take the helm of the party, but most commentators agree that the next Tory leader will be only marginally less unpopular than the evil dictator President Assad of Syria.
A member of the Conservative government who persistently hounded the disabled and sick over a period of years has today resigned because the Chancellor proposed hounding the sick and disabled in his new budget.
In his explosive resignation letter Mr Duncan Smith said: “I am unable to watch passively whilst certain policies are enacted in order to meet the fiscal self-imposed restraints that I believe are more and more perceived as distinctly political rather than in the national economic interest,”
“Too often my team and I have been pressured in the immediate run up to a budget or fiscal event to deliver yet more reductions to the working-age benefit bill.
“There has been too much emphasis on money-saving exercises and not enough awareness from the Treasury, in particular, that the government’s vision of a new welfare-to-work system could not be repeatedly salami-sliced.
“It is therefore with enormous regret that I have decided to resign.”
The pro-Conservative BBC political editor Laura Kuenssberg said:”To be fair, George Osborne has an incredibly difficult job to do, and his redistribution of wealth from the poorest to the wealthiest is unquestionably the best course of action for the Chancellor to take.”