By Jeff Sanchez and Johnny Zenith
Theresa May “dropped an E” before her African “rave” dancing, it has been announced.
A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “Theresa May is passionate about generating new trade opportunities, and she is pleased to announce a new agreement with several African countries regarding the export of large quantities of high quality pharmaceutical products.”
“In order to demonstrate the very high quality of British Ecstasy to African delegates, the Prime Minister dropped an E and demonstrated a number of advanced British dance moves while under the drug’s influence.”
“The trade delegates were extremely impressed that the drug was able to turn a somebody as boring and wooden as the PM into an uninhibited raver, and several large bags of Ecstasy were ordered from an enterprise connected to Philip May.”
However, insiders have claimed the Prime Minister spent the subsequent 4 hours thinking she had a deep connection to everyone present, only to find out she and nobody else give a shit about each other the next day.
Theresa May has challenged EU leaders to a “dance-off” to settle Brexit negotiation, it has been announced.
Speaking on the BBC, the Prime Minister said: “In recent days I have amazed the world with my incredibly natural and fluid dance moves, and the next step will be to challenge other EU leaders to a dance-off to settle the Brexit negotiations.”
Interviewer Laura Kuenssberg replied: “Prime Minister, not only are you the greatest dancer this proud, Christian nation has ever produced, but you are also the most perfect human being in the history of the world. Britain is truly blessed to have you as its dear leader Would you like to tell any more lies, which will go unchallenged?”
Mrs May added: “Thank you Laura, and yes, as a matter of fact I would like to just add that Jeremy Corbyn is the new Enoch Powell, and is like a pitiful worm compared to a heroic, lifelong anti-Apartheid campaigner like me.”
“I am also very clear that Jeremy Corbyn should immediately be thrown out of parliament, on account of him getting upgraded from ‘laughably unelectable’ to ‘now very electable and dangerous to my own personal wealth’.”
“Oh, but I can’t say I fear Corbyn so I’d better just say it’s because of the ridiculous antisemitism smear we’ve manufactured and weaponised against him.”