Tag Archives: jesus

My christian values, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

It has come to my attention that some people on the social medias have been commenting on the hypocrisy of Conservatives like me, who claim to be devoutly christian while voting for policies that hurt the poorest and most vulnerable in society.

When Newscrasher approached me about writing this column, I jumped at the opportunity to set the record straight about my christian values, and why I am deliriously happy about the rise in the use of food banks.

First I would like to reiterate what I have often said in the media. There is no inconsistency whatsoever between being devoutly christian and voting for legislation that ruins the lives of the poor for the benefit of high net worth individuals like myself.

Jesus Christ himself was a Tory, arguing that there should be less provision of healthcare and reductions in the social welfare programmes in the Roman province of Judea. And that is precisely why the hard left Roman administration of the day arrested and crucified Jesus.

Thanks to scholars such as Iain Duncan Smith BSc (Bronze Swimming Certificate), it is now well established that God approves of all Conservative policies, especially our completely unnecessary imposition of austerity and the hounding of the sick and disabled to an an early grave. Therefore, I am proud to sit in Parliament alongside many other rabid right wingers doing the Lord’s work, sometimes also sleeping.

The bible clearly states that taxes are the work of the Devil. Indeed, it was Satan himself who proposed the first system of progressive taxation as a hateful punishment for high net worth christians who had amassed entirely legitimate wealth off the back of the work of others.

Consequently, I fail to see why someone like me, who had the foresight to be born into a wealthy family, should be penalised by way of taxation on the large sums I earn from my many talents, when so many of my fellow Britons made the poor lifestyle choice of being born into a family that is not rich. Why should they have free healthcare and financial safety nets if they are too lazy to be rich?

In conclusion, there is absolutely no incongruence in claiming to be christian while actively plunging people into poverty, starvation, and in some cases an early grave.

I trust that by penning this satirical column I have explained myself to everybody’s satisfaction, and I hope we can all now move on and go back to talking about how wonderful food banks are, or how Jeremy Corbyn’s very moderate plans to bring back proper NHS and welfare funding are akin to North Korea.

This was a satirical story not written by Conservative MP Jacob Rees Mogg, the moron’s favourite to replace Theresa May as Prime Minister.

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Theresa May slams Church of England for glorifying ‘health tourist’ Jesus

The Church of England is wrong for glorifying ‘health tourist’ and ‘potential terrorist’ Jesus Christ and his parents, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking to somebody from the Sun who pretends to be a journalist, the Prime Minister said: “As a practising Christian I call on the Church of England to stop glorifying Jesus Christ and his parents, whose health tourism incurred a small but unacceptable administrative cost for the authorities of Judea two thousand years ago.”

“I now ask the Archbishop of Canterbury to join with me in calling for the potential terrorist and health tourist Jesus Christ to fuck off back to where he came from.”

“If the Church wishes to stay relevant to the people of Britain, it needs to accept that public opinion, as manipulated by right wing politicians and media, is now squarely against migrants coming over here and giving birth to messiahs in British stables.”

“The Church should glorify me instead, because I have the strongest Christian values of anybody in history. Just look at all the good work I’ve done making ordinary people’s lives worse through austerity, all while funneling wealth to the rich elite.”

“Why can’t people see the truth that I’m even more Christian than Jesus Christ himself.”

Far right inn keeper Chris Bumfield said: “A young couple knocked on our door in the early hours looking for a place to stay, but I told them the country’s already full and that they should clear off, and then without irony I complained that migrants don’t want to integrate”

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Baby Jesus and his parents should have been sanctioned and left to starve, say DWP

Baby Jesus and his parents Joseph and Mary should have been sanctioned and then left to starve over the Christmas period, the Department for Work and Pensions has claimed.

The DWP announced: “The parents of baby Jesus made poor lifestyle choices and were economic migrants, and thus would have faced the full wrath of the DWP’s regime of vicious sanctions had they attempted to enter the UK to look for food and shelter.”

“Our fake statistics prove that stopping people’s benefits for no good reason is working, by plunging them and their family into poverty and sometimes causing them to starve to death, thereby reducing the benefit bill and reducing the number of Labour voters.”

“Without a doubt, DWP employees would have been able to concoct grounds for imposing severe sanctions on baby Jesus and his parents, leading to their starvation and possibly death. Thanks to this punishment, Joseph and Mary would have become motivated enough to write an excellent CV and then find jobs on zero hour contracts.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “Although our glorious Fuhrer claims to be some kind of Christian in order to appear human, her values are in fact the exact opposite to what Jesus Christ preached.”

“But there is one teaching that Mrs May agrees with, it’s the one that says people should give away all their earthly wealth, preferably to people who are already extremely rich like she is.”

“By keeping people poor and near starvation, we’re really just doing the Lord’s work. Merry Christmas.”

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Jesus Christ has forgiven me for Iraq, says Tony Blair

Reviled war criminal Tony Blair believes that Jesus Christ has forgiven him for invading Iraq and killing many thousands of people, it has emerged.

Speaking at a press conference immediately after the publication of the Chilcot report, the former Prime Minister said: “With hindsight it’s easy to criticise, but at the time I genuinely believed that taking the country into an illegal war based on blatantly fabricated evidence was absolutely the right thing to do, regardless of how many people ended up dying or having their lives ruined as a result.”

“Some of my critics say I’ll have to live with the guilt of what I’ve done for the rest of my life. But Our Lord Jesus Christ has already forgiven me, and the Lord’s judgement counts for way more than what the silly little Hague War Crimes Tribunal thinks.”

“Jesus also told me to tell you that Jeremy Corbyn is the antichrist and has a large stockpile of left wing policies that could be ready to launch within 45 minutes.”

Image credit: K. Singh.

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