Tag Archives: electoral fraud

Tories launch inquiry into FAILURE of electoral fraud schemes

Senior Conservative figures have launched an urgent inquiry into the failure of electoral fraud schemes in several marginal constituencies, it has emerged.

One Tory insider told Newscrasher: “After the shock discovery of our 2015 electoral fraud scheme, the party formulated a plan involving accidental administrative errors that would help Conservative candidates in marginal constituencies, but with a greater level of plausible deniability than last time.”

“For example, in Plymouth a large number of postal ballots went missing, ostensibly caused by an unlikely sequence of human errors at the city’s Conservative-UKIP council, which benefited the Conservative candidate at the expense of Labour.”

“And then in the final declaration of the results, a strongly Labour voting ward was accidentally left out of the final tally, taking many more votes from Labour than from the Tories.”

Accusations of electoral fraud or incompetence have been leveled at officials in other areas too. In Newcastle-under-Lyme, a large number of students were turned away from voting by officials who had been given an older electoral register, but some returned in the final hours of polling to cast the winning votes for Labour candidate.

A Conservative former minister said:”Fraud is one of several techniques my party uses to compete with parties like Labour or the Liberal Democrats, who actually try to win elections honestly and with proposals to improve the lives or ordinary people.”

“Things like electoral fraud, gerrymandering and tabloid smear campaigns are crucial for maintaining a level playing field against Labour, but the prospect of any of these schemes losing its effectiveness strikes terror into the heart of many in the Conservative party.”

“So it is deeply troubling that some of our electoral fraud schemes failed this time, and an urgent inquiry is now being conducted to find out what went wrong, and how we can make it work in the general election that will be called later this year when the meltdown of Theresa May’s government comes to a head.”


Tories demand action over ‘left wing bias’ of electorate

Immediate action must be taken over an alleged ‘left wing bias’ in the British electorate, Tories have demanded.

Speaking on Newsnight, Iain Duncan Smith said: “Over the last few weeks we’ve seen the British electorate gradually turn its back on Theresa May, and warm to Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour.”

“There are a number of complex reasons why Britain has become more left wing since 2010, but this is nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that our sick policies have caused many early deaths among the poor and disabled, some of whom died through starvation or shortly after being declared fit to work.”

“Irrespective of the reasons, this left wing bias in the electorate is unfair on the Conservatives and I demand that the authorities take urgent action to address it.”

“There needs to be a level playing field, something that would allow lying shits like me to put out all kinds of sick propaganda without being called out by the media.”

“Conservative councils could act by forgetting to send out postal ballot papers to Labour areas, accidentally on purpose of course. They could also consider supplying polling station staff with the 2015 electoral register instead of the 2017 version, disenfranchising all the newly registered young voters who will mostly vote Labour.”

“Otherwise, we Tories would never, ever get elected. And if we can’t get elected, how would be we able to siphon off public money to give to our spiv friends and, sometimes, ourselves?”



Elderly should be able to bequeath their vote to the Conservative Party, government says

The elderly should be able to bequeath their vote to the Conservative Party when they die, the government has announced.

A spokesman for the Prime Minister said: “Older generations have contributed so much to Britain during their lifetime of secure jobs, excellent free healthcare and affordable housing, that it is only fair to allow them to wield influence from the grave as well.”

“And this is why the government will be using the Royal Prerogative to force through legislation granting people aged 60 or over the right bequeath their vote to the Conservative Party, to be used for all time in every election or referendum, and to be deployed in constituencies where our party would gain the greatest electoral advantage.”

“Unpatriotic traitors who love immigrants and do not support the Conservative Party will be able to opt-out, as long as they file the correct paperwork at a Job Centre or DWP office on the morning of their death. Otherwise consent will be assumed by default.”

“Imagine being able to easily turn a marginal Labour constituency Conservative on election day using these deployable votes. Liam Fox said it gave him a raging hard-on just thinking about it.”

Conservative voter Chris Bumfield said: “I was born in the fifties so my generation won two world wars, one world cup and one Brexit referendum.”

“Having given so much to this country over the years, I should be allowed to continue to wreck the lives of the young and the poor from the grave and for all eternity, by ensuring the Conservatives or another fascist party keep getting into government.”