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Retailers face call to introduce discount card for Leave voters

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Retailers must introduce discount cards so that Leave voters can avoid the massive price rises they have caused, Boris Johnson has demanded.

Speaking on the BBC’s Daily Politics programme, the Foreign Secretary said: “The ongoing collapse of the Pound against most other currencies is all because Remain voters are talking the country down.”

“Therefore, it is with the utmost urgency that I call on British retailers to insulate patriotic Leave voters from these unforeseen price rises that they didn’t cause, by issuing a patriotic Brexit discount card.”

The formerly pro-EU politician added: “The costs will be more than offset through a series of penalty charges to be imposed on the people who caused the collapse in the Pound, and by that I mean anybody who believes the UK should stay in the EU.”

Leave voter Chris Bumfield said: “Nobody could have predicted that unpatriotic Remain voters would talk-down the economy to such an extent that I too would be hit with dramatically higher retail prices, so I welcome the concept of a discount card to benefit me and all other Leave voters.”

The Britain First supporter added: “When I voted to leave the EU, I thought I’d only be ruining the lives of foreigners and stealing the future of young people, while awarding myself an even more comfortable lifestyle than I already had.”

“I wish one of those so-called ‘experts’ would have warned me about the consequences of Brexit.”

UK News

Iain Duncan Smith to release uplifting film about people who died after benefits got stopped

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Iain Duncan Smith will release an uplifting film about people who died shortly after their benefits got sanctioned, it has been announced.

It is understood that the film is intended to counter what Mr Duncan Smith called ‘the left wing fantasy’ of Ken Loach’s latest film, and is written and directed by the former Minister for Work and Pensions himself.

The professional liar told Newscrasher: “I am proud of my record of killing a large number of benefit claimants via unfair cuts and sanctions, and I wanted to make an uplifting film about that.”

“However, unlike Ken Loach, I wanted to make a film that is not based on the real life experiences of anybody, ever. It will be based on true events, but only because people really are dying as a consequence of having their benefits sanctioned. Everything else will be purely fictional.”

The provision title of the film is reported to be ‘I Duncan Smith’, although there is said to be some debate about whether to change to Mr Duncan Smith’s reportedly preferred title ‘I Came, I Saw, You Starved to Death in a Freezing Home’.

Speaking to Sky News, right wing hack Toby Young said: “There’s a particularly moving scene where Ian just walks over and tips a disabled lady out of her wheel chair, right in the middle of a Job Centre and screams at her: ‘Get up, get up, I command you to stand on your own two feet, and I’ll sanction anybody here who tries to help this woman’.”

“I was moved to tears, tears of joy, at seeing Mr Duncan Smith’s commitment to brutalising those most in need of help from the state.”

After watching the trailer, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg also praised the film: “At last, a film that shows the positive side of Ian Duncan Smith’s visionary policy of hounding the poor, the sick and the disabled to their deaths through stress, starvation and homelessness.”

“The fact that Jeremy Corbyn has refuses to accept the wisdom of Ian Duncan Smith’s war on the poor just goes to show how utterly unelectable he is.”

UK News

IDS slams Ken Loach for being ‘out of touch’ with spivs and high net worth individuals

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Iain Duncan Smith has criticised left-wing film-maker Ken Loach for being out of touch with spivs and high net worth individuals, it has emerged.

The former Minister for Manslaughter said: “It’s all very well Ken Loach making films about the supposed plight of people who I plunged into poverty during my tenure as Minister for Manslaughter, but he needs to realise how out of touch he has become to spivs and high net worth individuals who don’t pay any tax.”

“The plot of his new film, ‘I, Daniel Blake’ paints an inaccurate picture of the lives of people who need to use benefits in order to survive.”

“When benefit claimants are sanctioned, they gain the freedom to take control and look for new opportunities to identify efficiency savings, such as starving or freezing to death due to lack of money.”

“Many claimants whose benefits were stopped for no good reason quickly freed themselves from having to pay extortionate rents to greedy landlords, some of whom are Tory MPs, by becoming homeless and living on the streets.”

“In addition, numerous actors paid by the DWP to make statements in support of my fantasy have thanked me for helping to turn their lives around through my cruel regime of sanctions and fitness to work assessments.”

“I am truly proud of my record as Minister for Manslaughter, but I’m even prouder of my exceptionally bald head.”

UK News

Anger as Brexit bet winnings are completely wiped out by plunging Pound

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By John M.

The dramatic plunge in the Pound after June’s Brexit vote has now resulted in an aggregate loss for those who bet on the UK to leave the European Union.

Despite predicting the Leave campaign’s ultimate victory (unlike the Brexit architects themselves), those who cashed in on the unlikely eventuality have seen the real value of their money depreciate such that they have less Pound in their pocket today than before the vote.

Visibly struck by the news, one resident of Taunton interviewed live on BBC News at 6: “Like many brexiters I marched gleefully to the bookmakers on June 24 to collect my winnings, but I now feel short-changed after the Remain voters unpatriotically talked down the Pound. The betting slip’s going to be worth more than the cash by winter.”

“My money might be worthless. But it’s British worthless money.”

He then reverted back to UKIP factory settings: “This is the Great British pound and we have taken back control. Taken back control. Taken back control…”

Elsewhere, in Downing Street, Theresa May has been advised by economists to physically seal her lips shut for the coming days after advisors remarked that the pound has been suffering crushing blows each time she opens her mouth.

Her own comments on the crisis were accordingly indecipherable: “Mhf, mhffmhf. Mhff.”

UK News

Man who scored 48 goals for England vilified for not being racist enough

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A retired football hero who scored an incredible 48 goals for England should now be vilified for not being racist enough, the far right have decided.

Leave voter Chris Bumfield from Sunderland said: “I used to think Gary Lineker was a football legend, having scored 48 goals playing for England, including ten goals in the world cup.”

“But I was saddened to learn that unlike mine, his heart isn’t full of hate for foreign children who were forced to flee their homes because of a war that my country helped to start.”

“Lineker should definitely be sacked from Match of the Day and replaced by someone really racist and right wing.”

“Somebody like Katie Hopkins would be perfect for the role. She’d probably begin the programme by claiming that drowning migrants are cockroaches and that the government should use our latest helicopter gunships against the ones who make it to Europe alive.”

The Sun newspaper has launched a campaign for Lineker and all the other BBC employees who do not hate foreigners to be immediately sacked for their unpatriotic thought-crimes.

 

UK News

The Sun launches campaign for BBC to sack everyone who isn’t a heartless bastard

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The Sun has launched a new campaign to pressure the BBC into sacking all of its employees who are not utterly heartless bastards, it has been announced.

Sun columnist Katie Hopkins said: “It makes me physically sick to know that our state broadcaster has been infiltrated by a small number of presenters who are not heartless, hard-right bastards like me.”

“It made my blood boil to see Gary Lineker describe foreign children as ‘humans’, instead of calling for them to be tortured to death and then burned in ovens as I would have done.”

“In the name of patriotism and democracy, we are calling for Gary and all other BBC employees who are not heartless bastards to be sacked, in order to satisfy the primitive racist urges of millions of racist bigots who read the Sun and other rabidly right wing tabloids.”

The widely reviled Z-list celebrity added: “I’m living proof that the human body can survive without a brain.”

UK News

Just submit to my will and human rights won’t be necessary, Theresa May announces

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You will not need any human rights if you submit to me, your new dictatorial overlord, Theresa May has announced.

“For too long the government have tolerated the European concept of human rights, much to the annoyance of people like me who want to be able to do anything I want to you little people.”

“But on June 23rd the people have given me a massive mandate to do anything I want, and this includes the abolition of all human rights and all worker’s rights.”

The Prime Minister continued: “In our brave new world, there will be no need for human rights to protect patriotic and hard-working Britons from their masters in the government, unless they are engaged in criminal activities, which includes socialist thought-crime and the treasonous activity of trying to overthrow a Conservative government via the ballot box.”

“Likewise, all good British born patriots will surely agree that worker’s rights are entirely unnecessary if you are a hard-working, wealth-creater earning £100,000 a year or more.”

Sun reader Jeff Bumfield commented: “I agree with whatever lies the Sun publish today. I read the Sun for the same reason that I eat and drink from the toilet — I love to swallow shit.”

UK News

Britons to meekly tolerate another 4 years of this shit

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British voters are planning to meekly tolerate another 4 years of falling living standards and all the other shit the Conservative government want to throw at them, it has been decided.

Sun reader and Brexit supporter Chris Bumfield from Plymouth said: “I meekly accepted the economic crash in 2008 and the subsequent age of permanent austerity, and I’m now ready to tolerate another big recession and a massive fall in my standard of living because of Brexit.”

“I’m so glad the Tories and their friends in the press were there to blame it all on evil foreigners. Immigrants come over here with dark intentions, such as learning British knowledge or contributing to the British economy, often doing low paid jobs that need to be done but which Britons refuse.”

“I now eagerly look forward to the extension of austerity, the removal of all my rights and of course the dismantling of the NHS. It is our patriotic duty to tolerate a drop in living standards and cuts to all our public services. Only a traitor would think otherwise.”

“I don’t care if my food and energy bills go up, or if my foreign holidays are now substantially more expensive. We’ve gained so much more, something intangible.”

“We’ve taken back control and regained sovereignty, both of which curiously bypassed parliament and went directly into the hands of our new fascist dictatorship.”

UK News

A fascist wants to jail ‘Remoaners’ and Theresa May hasn’t condemned it

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By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

The British Prime Minister Theresa May has failed to condemn a petition to amend the Treason Felony Act to jail those who support the European Union.

The petition was created by Conservative councillor Christian Holliday from Burpham in Guildford, who is horrified that the majority of people where he lives don’t share his own political views.

Mr Holliday said: “As a right wing extremist, for years I have fought to leave the European Union. At last, thanks to the work of several high profile liars such as Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage, our side tricked the public and won the referendum on the 23rd of June this year.”

“Now that we have won the war, we must get to work on the mopping-up operation to cleanse the country of the pro-EU thought-criminals.”

“Unfortunately, even right here in Guildford 44,155 voted remain and 34,458 voted leave. This is completely unacceptable and needs to be dealt with by the government before I lose my seat. I therefore call on the government to change the law using the Royal prerogative and jail the majority of my friends and neighbours immediately.”

Despite being absolutely mental, Holliday’s call has not been explicitly condemned by Theresa May.

The Prime Minister told Newscrasher: “On the 23rd of June the people of Britain voted to leave the European Union, and that means there is a mandate for jailing those who disagree with the policies of elected Conservatives who hate Europe and foreigners. The people of Britain have decisively voted to jail these rebels immediately.”

“The security services are already snooping on all the electronic communications of the British public, so it should be a relatively simple job to draw up a list of all the subversives who continue to voice support for EU membership on social media.”

“Our new Night and Fog law will be proposed in the next Queen’s speech and will target those who support the European Union, their accomplices, or anyone endangering British migration security.”

Her Britannic Excellency the Dictator continued: “An effective and lasting deterrent can only be achieved by the death penalty or by taking measures which will leave the family and the population uncertain to the fate of the offender.”

“Fortunately, due to my foresight during my time as Britain’s most illustrious Home Secretary, the UK now has some of the world’s toughest anti-terrorism legislation, which will allow for Kafkaesque secret trials in which the accused is kept completely in the dark, both figuratively and literally.”

The petition has been warmly welcomed by uneducated UKIP supporters like Chris Bumfield: “We voted, they lost. They should suck it up and stop moaning, and if people don’t like it they should be jailed for life with no chance of parole. That’s democracy!”

Note: This story is satirical, but not entirely fictional.

UK News

Government introduces billboard vans telling Remain voters to ‘shut up’

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The Conservative government has introduced billboard vans telling Remain voters to ‘shut up’, it has been announced.

Brexit minister David Davis said: “In difficult times such as this it is crucial that order and social cohesion are maintained, and this is why we are trying to silence people who don’t want the UK to leave the EU.”

“Patriotic Leave voters are sick and tired of all the treasonous fact-mongering coming from Remain voters, many of whom are saying that Brexiters are utter twats for crashing the economy, or that they knew Brexit would be shit.”

The professional liar continued: “Our plan is to roll out two thousand billboard vans with the message: If you are a traitorous Remain voter, SHUT UP. Stop your reasoned arguments and highbrow fact mongering. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life in jail.”

“The vans will also be fitted with a PA system that plays a high pitched tone that induces nausea in those under the age of 40, to ensure the young are made to suffer unnecessarily according to the wishes of Theresa May.”

A Satirical Take On The News