Boris Johnson has will definitely not resign because he has no shame, it has been confirmed today.
The Foreign Secretary said:”My own political ambitions are far more important than trifling matters like whether a British citizen will languish in a foreign jail due to my incompetence as Foreign Secretary.”
“Incompetence and gross misconduct are no longer resigning matters, and why should I resign when I was so obviously born to rule.”
“I clearly have the full support of the British public, who voted for me to be Prime Minister when they chose to leave the European Union in last year’s landslide referendum result.”
“I will make Britain great again and reclaim our glorious empire, free from the shackles of human rights and democratic accountability.”
A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “Boris Johnson and Michael Gove are two of the most despicable and incompetent ministers in the history of this country.”
“However, the Prime Minister is currently unable to sack either of these two clowns because they have the support of powerful people, and somehow there are also members of the public who view them positively.”
“The Prime Minister has been very clear that she will continue to take orders from Johnson and Gove, who are are holding her to ransom over their joint hard-on for a hard Brexit.”
By Horace McSavage
Spineless Boris Johnson reacted meekly earlier to news that his long lost backbone has been found washed up on a French beach.
Johnson, whose spine had been missing since the EU referendum, hinted that a reunion with his backbone was unlikely before any Tory leadership contest.
“What kind of cowardly opportunist would I be if I were to suddenly find my backbone and take responsibility for my actions?”
Johnson continued “I’ll just wait for a safer time to launch a leadership bid, long after the Brexit negotiations have gone tits up.”
At least for now, the spine will remain detached from it’s lily-livered owner. And while it remains uncertain what the long-term future holds for it, sources close to the spine have hinted that Johnson may never be in possession of a backbone ever again.
The search for Michael Gove’s guts and David Davis’ brain continues.
The surprise appointment of pathological liar and complete tosser Boris Johnson to the role of Foreign Secretary sent shock waves through the international community, leaving many diplomats and leader unable to contain their anger and disbelief.
Below we show some of the very best reactions from world leaders:
President of France: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”
President of Russia: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”
Prime minister of Japan: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”
President of China: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”
Prime Minister of New Zealand: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”
Prime minister of Spain: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”
President of Portugal: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”
Chancellor of Gemany: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”
President of South Korea: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”
President of Mexico: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”
President of South Africa: “Boris Johnson is a twat.”
British Prime Minister David Cameron is reported to be in a coma, following a drunken brawl with euroskeptic MP Boris Johnson. It is understood that Mr Cameron suffered a serious head injury in the altercation, during which Mr Johnson is said to called the Prime Minister ‘an absolute rotter’ and ‘the biggest liar in the history of the world’.
Speaking outside the West-End five-star hospital in which the Prime Minister is being treated, Samantha Cameron told reporters: “We would like to thank the vanishingly small number of well-wishers who have sent messages of support for David.”
“It’s heartwarming to know there are still a few people up and down the country whose lives haven’t yet been utterly wrecked by the cruel policies of David’s government.”
Hospital staff said that security had to be stepped up after a member of the public ‘accidentally’ unplugged Mr Cameron’s life-support in order to charge a mobile telephone.
News of Mr Cameron’s misfortune went viral on social media almost immediately, reaching more than 10 million Facebook ‘likes’ in under an hour.