Tag Archives: christmas

Theresa May slams Church of England for glorifying ‘health tourist’ Jesus

The Church of England is wrong for glorifying ‘health tourist’ and ‘potential terrorist’ Jesus Christ and his parents, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking to somebody from the Sun who pretends to be a journalist, the Prime Minister said: “As a practising Christian I call on the Church of England to stop glorifying Jesus Christ and his parents, whose health tourism incurred a small but unacceptable administrative cost for the authorities of Judea two thousand years ago.”

“I now ask the Archbishop of Canterbury to join with me in calling for the potential terrorist and health tourist Jesus Christ to fuck off back to where he came from.”

“If the Church wishes to stay relevant to the people of Britain, it needs to accept that public opinion, as manipulated by right wing politicians and media, is now squarely against migrants coming over here and giving birth to messiahs in British stables.”

“The Church should glorify me instead, because I have the strongest Christian values of anybody in history. Just look at all the good work I’ve done making ordinary people’s lives worse through austerity, all while funneling wealth to the rich elite.”

“Why can’t people see the truth that I’m even more Christian than Jesus Christ himself.”

Far right inn keeper Chris Bumfield said: “A young couple knocked on our door in the early hours looking for a place to stay, but I told them the country’s already full and that they should clear off, and then without irony I complained that migrants don’t want to integrate”

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Baby Jesus and his parents should have been sanctioned and left to starve, say DWP

Baby Jesus and his parents Joseph and Mary should have been sanctioned and then left to starve over the Christmas period, the Department for Work and Pensions has claimed.

The DWP announced: “The parents of baby Jesus made poor lifestyle choices and were economic migrants, and thus would have faced the full wrath of the DWP’s regime of vicious sanctions had they attempted to enter the UK to look for food and shelter.”

“Our fake statistics prove that stopping people’s benefits for no good reason is working, by plunging them and their family into poverty and sometimes causing them to starve to death, thereby reducing the benefit bill and reducing the number of Labour voters.”

“Without a doubt, DWP employees would have been able to concoct grounds for imposing severe sanctions on baby Jesus and his parents, leading to their starvation and possibly death. Thanks to this punishment, Joseph and Mary would have become motivated enough to write an excellent CV and then find jobs on zero hour contracts.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: “Although our glorious Fuhrer claims to be some kind of Christian in order to appear human, her values are in fact the exact opposite to what Jesus Christ preached.”

“But there is one teaching that Mrs May agrees with, it’s the one that says people should give away all their earthly wealth, preferably to people who are already extremely rich like she is.”

“By keeping people poor and near starvation, we’re really just doing the Lord’s work. Merry Christmas.”

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