The Church of England is wrong for glorifying ‘health tourist’ and ‘potential terrorist’ Jesus Christ and his parents, Theresa May has announced.
Speaking to somebody from the Sun who pretends to be a journalist, the Prime Minister said: “As a practising Christian I call on the Church of England to stop glorifying Jesus Christ and his parents, whose health tourism incurred a small but unacceptable administrative cost for the authorities of Judea two thousand years ago.”
“I now ask the Archbishop of Canterbury to join with me in calling for the potential terrorist and health tourist Jesus Christ to fuck off back to where he came from.”
“If the Church wishes to stay relevant to the people of Britain, it needs to accept that public opinion, as manipulated by right wing politicians and media, is now squarely against migrants coming over here and giving birth to messiahs in British stables.”
“The Church should glorify me instead, because I have the strongest Christian values of anybody in history. Just look at all the good work I’ve done making ordinary people’s lives worse through austerity, all while funneling wealth to the rich elite.”
“Why can’t people see the truth that I’m even more Christian than Jesus Christ himself.”
Far right inn keeper Chris Bumfield said: “A young couple knocked on our door in the early hours looking for a place to stay, but I told them the country’s already full and that they should clear off, and then without irony I complained that migrants don’t want to integrate”