The May Day bank holiday is to be renamed ‘Theresa May Day’ in recognition of our beloved dictator’s strong and stable rule over the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, it has been announced.
Speaking to a small crowd of bused-in party activists in a remote village hall, the Prime Minister said: “The May Day bank holiday was originally meant to commemorate something to do with spring and something about international workers, but it is increasingly out of touch with modern Britain which cares little for the rights of workers or having the odd day off to pass time with family or friends.”
“Therefore, using plenary powers granted to me by Parliament I hereby decree that May Day shall be renamed Theresa May Day, in recognition of my strong and stable dictatorial rule over this country.”
“Hard working people need not worry about losing a bank holiday, because Theresa May Day will remain a public holiday for any hard working individual earning over £100,000 a year, or with assets valued at £500,000 or more.”
Theresa May has confirmed she will now rule Britain as a dictator, after lawyers gave her exactly the same legal opinion that she paid them to provide.
The Prime Minister said: “I have always believed that parliament doesn’t need to be consulted when making the most significant constitutional change in the history of our democracy, and finally I’ve found some lawyers willing to reach precisely the legal conclusions I want in exchange for money.”
“I am immensely proud to be the first female dictator to rule this once great country.”
“Even though the EU referendum was merely advisory and the vote was conducted on the basis of unadulterated lies, I’m going to use my newly decreed dictatorial powers to unilaterally invoke Article 50, against the wishes of the majority of MPs and the majority of the public.”
“There may be an outcry from members of the public whose brains have not yet been rotted by reality television. Such people represent a clear threat to national security, but do not worry, the Police State Act 2017 will deal with them.”
“Some of my critics have suggested that I’m a secret Brexiter, and cynically hid my intentions until I was safely installed as Prime Minister. I find that offensive – I’m much more cynical than that.”
“I don’t actually give a shit about Brexit. What interests me is that Brexit presents an incredible opportunity to seize power for myself, to sweep away all kinds of protections and human rights, and to abolish parliamentary democracy,” the prime minister added.