Tag Archives: priti patel

Tories to raise retirement age to 100

Amid the general melee of the EU referendum campaigning, the Government have today attempted to bury yet more bad news. In a low key briefing, it was announced that the retirement age is to be raised to 100.

At a sparsely attended press conference, Minister of State for Employment Priti Patel said: “I have always agreed with Iain Duncan Smith and Adolf Hitler that works sets you free. And by raising the retirement age to 100, we will be able to free pensioners from reliance on handouts from hard working people, in addition to freeing those earning more than £100,000, who will see substantial tax cuts due to the resulting savings.”

“Whilst it is only fair that today’s hardworking pensioners get the retirement they deserve, today’s young are feckless and retirement would clearly destroy the motivation and innovation of the elderly to vote Conservative.”

“The Government has launched an independent review of the retirement age, and we are sure that the authors of the report, all loyal retired senior civil servants, will conclude from the available evidence that our plan is absolutely correct.”
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Priti Patel backs death penalty for murderers earning less than £100,000 a year

Conservative member of parliament Priti Patel has today backed the death penalty for murderers earning less than £100,000 a year.

The MP for Witham, who has in the past professed admiration for Ayn Rand, told reporters: “Murder should never be an alternative to an honest day’s work, which is why I’m strongly in favour of a reintroduction of the death penalty for low-earners.”

“A £100,000 earnings cut-off would ensure the most important members of society are not executed, and would also provide a deterrent for the poor and workshy who would rather be housed in jail to save money.”

A spokesperson for the government, responding to our request for comment, told us: “Although this is not official policy, the government welcomes her contribution to the debate on how to get people off benefits.”

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