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Theresa May denies NHS has humanitarian crisis because NHS users ‘are not human’

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The National Health Service does not have a humanitarian crisis because NHS users are not human, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking in Parliament, the Prime Minister said: “The Red Cross lied when they said our red, white and blue national health service is facing a humanitarian crisis. This is because NHS users are not actually human.”

“Most of these people fecklessly earn less than £100,000 a year, and in almost all cases have shirked their responsibility to take out private medical insurance policies. If they happen to find themselves dying in an overcrowded hospital corridor, they only have themselves to blame.”

Mrs May added: “The cause of the NHS crisis is a complete mystery to us here in the Conservative Party.”

“We pretend to do our best, but in actual fact we are defunding and dismantling the NHS to set the stage for full privatisation, and we would like the public to believe that due to forces beyond our understanding the NHS just doesn’t have the money to provide healthcare any better than that found in a typical third-world country like Zimbabwe, Sierra Leone or Wales.”

“Even the finest journalistic minds at the BBC or the Daily Mail have been unable to determine whether there is any connection between my government’s deliberate defunding and the shockingly poor quality of healthcare being provided by the NHS at the moment.”

“In the meantime, I suggest we all simply blame foreigners and human rights, because they are the cause of every problem ever.”

UK News

Corbyn ‘fake news’ way more newsworthy than NHS crisis, according to mainstream media

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Anti-Corbyn ‘fake news’ is way more newsworthy than the humanitarian crisis the Tories have deliberately created in the NHS, the mainstream media has decided.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “It is vital that the British public are not permitted to see the true horror of what my good friends in the Government are doing to the National Health Service.”

“By ramping up efforts to manufacture fake news about Jeremy Corbyn, it is hoped that we can create an impenetrable  smokescreen for as long as Mr Hunt needs to complete his dismantling of our unfair and anachronistic universal health care system.”

But even some hard right media outlets have been unable to ignore the issues facing the NHS. An insider at the Daily Mail, who wished to remain anonymous, told Newscrasher: “Because most of our readers are old and infirm, they have a strong interest in the existence of a well run health service, free at the point of use, so we probably do need to report the so-called NHS humanitarian crisis.”

“However, we’re careful to shift blame away from the government’s evil policies and onto our favourite scapegoats: immigrants, gays and the EU. If we play our cards right, the NHS crisis might even accelerate the rise of British fascism that we and many of our readers are so eager to see.”

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Jeremy Hunt blasts Labour for weaponising his deliberate mismanagement of NHS

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Jeremy Hunt has blasted Labour for attempting to weaponise what he has called his “deliberate mismanagement” of the National Health Service, it has emerged.

Speaking to reporters, the Heath Secretary said: “On June 23rd last year Britain held a legally binding referendum on the European Union and whether to immediately defund and privatise the NHS. The people have spoken unanimously, and the will of the people is now settled for all time.”

“As Health Minister, it has fallen to me to carry out the will of the people by deliberately mismanaging the NHS, to set the stage for introduction of patient fees and the eventual privatisation of the profitable bits.”

“As a true hero of the Great British Reich I have spend recent months battling for Britain against antisemitic trotskyist doctors who are trying to overthrow the government, and also against marauding patients who earn less than £200,000 a year and do not have private health insurance.”

“A hero like me will definitely vanquish these foes, but in the meantime I call on Labour to stop weaponising my blatant mismanagement of the NHS, and to join me in my war on the socialised universal healthcare that is ruining this once great nation.”

Several Blairite Labour MPs have jumped to the defence of the embattled Health secretary, with one unnamed source telling Newscrasher: “The NHS crisis represents an excellent opportunity for Corbyn to strike at the government and improve the popularity of our party, and that is why we’d like to help the Tories to change the subject as quickly as possible.”

“The fact that several of us also have a vested interest in private healthcare companies has nothing to do with our stance, of course.”

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Gas chambers in hospitals would make NHS fairer and more efficient, suggests Iain Duncan Smith

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The construction of gas chambers in hospitals would make the National Health Service fairer and more efficient, Iain Duncan Smith has claimed.

Speaking to the BBC’s pro-government presenter Andrew Marr, the former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said: “The so-called humanitarian crisis facing the NHS is definitely not a result of deliberate funding cuts that Jeremy Hunt has imposed.”

“According to my own personal research, the NHS crisis is in fact due to a worrying lack of social justice and efficiency in our hospitals.”

“And that is why I have asked Jeremy Hunt to consider introducing ATOS gas chambers into hospitals, to streamline the manslaughter of the poor and vulnerable.”

“I have also asked him to consider bringing in staff from G4S to act as hospital porters of death, who would be tasked with finding and incinerating patients who had missed a Job Centre appointment due to having been in hospital.”

“As always, the strongest safeguards will be put in place. Only after a subjective tick-box test that ignores medical evidence would a patient be wheeled into one of the hospital’s newly installed ATOS Social Justice Ovens.”

“The emergency measures that I am proposing could save the NHS and would allow Britain to accelerate the patriotic social justice revolution that I initiated during my tenure at the Department of Work and Pensions.”

To which Andrew Marr replied: “I do not have any difficult questions for you, nor will I give our viewers any hint about the sinister motives behind the policies of you and many other Tory politicians.”

“I am sure our glorious Fuhrer Mrs May, whom I adore profoundly, will seriously consider your groundbreaking proposal to establish a fairer and more efficient NHS fit for 21st century Britain, or 1930s Germany.”

“My knighthood’s in the post, right?”

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Jeremy Hunt ‘living proof’ body can survive with no brain, doctors say

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Jeremy Hunt is definitive ‘living proof’ that the body can survive without a brain, doctors have announced.

The discovery was made after an MRI scan, taken during a routine health check of Mr Hunt last December, showed his cranium to be completely empty.

Medical researchers from around the world have heralded the discovery as a major breakthrough in the area of neuro-political science.

Professor Chris Bumfield of the Brexit Science Institute told Newscrasher: “Researchers have long suspected that living among us are a small number of individuals who are able not only to survive, but to lead an ostensibly normal life and sometimes even enter politics despite having no brain whatsoever.”

“Previously written off as an urban legend, Jeremy Hunt is living proof that the so-called ‘brainless politician’ phenomenon is real.”

However, the Health Secretary has denied the claim: “I can assure you that I do in fact have a brain, and a very good one at that.”

“To the untrained eye I appear to be utterly incompetent, but in reality I am a scheming evil genius who is deliberately running the NHS into the ground, for personal political and financial gain.”

“Once I have brought the NHS to its knees, I will propose the introduction of patient fees and eventual privatisation as the only possible solution to the crisis I have manufactured.”

“It’s just too bad about all the people who will have died unnecessarily as a result of my actions, which some have alleged could see me prosecuted for the criminal offence of misconduct in public office.”

“Thankfully, with the might of the right wing media and the BBC on my side, I have no doubt that millions of gullible members of the public will fall hook, line and sinker for my dirty little scam.”

UK News

Jeremy Corbyn should swear more to raise popularity, say New Labour grandees

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By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Jeremy Corbyn is being urged to make  greater use of foul language in order to boost his popularity, it has emerged.

New Labour grandees have advised Jeremy Corbyn to call Theresa May “a cunt” at least once in every Prime Ministers Questions, in an attempt to be a more populist leader.

Jeremy is often seen as weak and ineffectual despite winning two leadership contests in a row with a record number of votes. Labour focus groups have indicated if he was nastier he would become more popular.

The decision comes following the airing last week of a video on Youtube which showed Theresa May trampling a baby to death in her Jimmy Choos whilst shouting “I hate poor people”. In the aftermath a Yougov poll found her popularity had risen more than seven points.

It is understood that Mr Corbyn has also been advised to carry out a sex act with a dead animal, but has refused citing his vegetarianism.

A former New Labour minister told Newscrasher: “We spoke to Jeremy about making himself more accessible through pranks and japes, but sadly he ruled out fucking a pigs head. The good news is that he is up for a large marrow and has already selected an organic prize winning specimen from his allotment.”

“He was particularly excited about the fact it would be one he’d grown himself to the most exacting organic standards in his allotment, and remarked that it wouldn’t feel any different to how we treat him normally anyway.”

News of a possible change of leadership style has been welcomed by many Conservatives, including Boris Johnson: “For years I have been an utter bastard and the public have loved me for it. If Jeremy takes the advice of the Blairites and starts acting like a Tory, we may then get some real opposition at last.”

UK News

Woman who has contempt for ordinary people claims it’s the unions who have contempt for ordinary people

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A woman who has total contempt for ordinary people has claimed that unionised workers who are fighting to defend worker rights are actually the ones who have contempt for ordinary people, it has emerged.

A spokesperson for Theresa May said: “By striking, ordinary working people are showing contempt for the ordinary people who voted to leave the EU, and that is quite unacceptable in 21st century Tory Britain.”

“The prime minister hates the idea of workers having rights, because it causes so much inconvenience to ordinary people who earn £100,000 a year or more, people who are rich enough to have little need for collective bargaining and who are just trying to go about their lives of luxury.”

“The PM now calls on the striking workers to be patriotic, get back round the table and accept whatever shit deal the employers want to impose.”

“Ordinary working people need to realise they have no choice except to become slaves to rich shareholders like her millionaire husband who works for a hedge fund. This is the will of the British people according to the referendum held on the 23rd of June.”

“Failure to relinquish the right to strike will be met with the full force of a new anti-worker law that the Blairites will help us push through in Parliament early in 2017.”

UK News

Theresa May’s new year resolutions: learn to dress herself and stand properly

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Theresa May has big plans for 2017, including learning how to dress herself and how to stand properly, she has announced.

Speaking to a Daily Mail reporter during her latest fashion shoot, the Prime Minister said: “I’ve never needed the services of a style consultant, because being stylish just comes so naturally to me.”

“Today I’m wearing a pair of leather trousers with a retail price of £995. Ever conscious of how my actions impact on the environment, I selected these very eco-friendly trousers precisely because they were made from the skin of job seekers who died shortly after being sanctioned by the DWP.”

“Last week I left the house dressed as an Ikea cushion, for which the Mail gave me much praise for my elegance and fashion sense. People often stop me in the street and tell me I look great for somebody who is over 100 years old.”

“When I stood up on the stage at the Conservative Party conference, I decided to do George Osborne’s wide-legged power stance that his overpaid style adviser old him to do, but it just made me look even more of a twat than usual.”

“But that barely matters when you’re a style icon like I am.”

UK News

God is OK with all the starvation and homelessness we’re causing, Tories decide

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Christianity is definitely compatible with forcing the people into starvation and homelessness this Christmas, the government has decided.

Speaking to the BBC’s Conservative Journalist of the Year Laura Kuenssberg, the prime minister said: “I’m a devout Christian and although there are some interesting ideas in the New Testament, our policies are mainly based on the extremely cruel teachings that can be found in the Old Testament.”

“Bigotry, genocide and slavery are all in there, which is great for us Tories because we can be as evil as Hitler and still claim to be Christians. I’m pushing policies that are destroying the lives of ordinary people by forcing them into poverty, starvation and homelessness, but I’m still totally Christian.”

“God told me it’s OK to do what we’ve been doing to the poorest and most vulnerable in society. He said the same to Iain Duncan Smith as well. Now there’s a man who is right to be proud of his record of manslaughter.”

“On a personal note, I was never a big fan of Jesus Christ anyway. His left wing ideas about tolerance, helping the poor and curing the sick lack a certain Britishness. Jesus really is out of touch with public opinion these days.”

“Even worse, his family were health tourist immigrants who had poor financial planning, and I firmly believe the authorities of Judea were fully justified in putting that potential terrorist to death in the way they did.”

UK News

Theresa May slams Church of England for glorifying ‘health tourist’ Jesus

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The Church of England is wrong for glorifying ‘health tourist’ and ‘potential terrorist’ Jesus Christ and his parents, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking to somebody from the Sun who pretends to be a journalist, the Prime Minister said: “As a practising Christian I call on the Church of England to stop glorifying Jesus Christ and his parents, whose health tourism incurred a small but unacceptable administrative cost for the authorities of Judea two thousand years ago.”

“I now ask the Archbishop of Canterbury to join with me in calling for the potential terrorist and health tourist Jesus Christ to fuck off back to where he came from.”

“If the Church wishes to stay relevant to the people of Britain, it needs to accept that public opinion, as manipulated by right wing politicians and media, is now squarely against migrants coming over here and giving birth to messiahs in British stables.”

“The Church should glorify me instead, because I have the strongest Christian values of anybody in history. Just look at all the good work I’ve done making ordinary people’s lives worse through austerity, all while funneling wealth to the rich elite.”

“Why can’t people see the truth that I’m even more Christian than Jesus Christ himself.”

Far right inn keeper Chris Bumfield said: “A young couple knocked on our door in the early hours looking for a place to stay, but I told them the country’s already full and that they should clear off, and then without irony I complained that migrants don’t want to integrate”

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