The National Health Service does not have a humanitarian crisis because NHS users are not human, Theresa May has announced.
Speaking in Parliament, the Prime Minister said: “The Red Cross lied when they said our red, white and blue national health service is facing a humanitarian crisis. This is because NHS users are not actually human.”
“Most of these people fecklessly earn less than £100,000 a year, and in almost all cases have shirked their responsibility to take out private medical insurance policies. If they happen to find themselves dying in an overcrowded hospital corridor, they only have themselves to blame.”
Mrs May added: “The cause of the NHS crisis is a complete mystery to us here in the Conservative Party.”
“We pretend to do our best, but in actual fact we are defunding and dismantling the NHS to set the stage for full privatisation, and we would like the public to believe that due to forces beyond our understanding the NHS just doesn’t have the money to provide healthcare any better than that found in a typical third-world country like Zimbabwe, Sierra Leone or Wales.”
“Even the finest journalistic minds at the BBC or the Daily Mail have been unable to determine whether there is any connection between my government’s deliberate defunding and the shockingly poor quality of healthcare being provided by the NHS at the moment.”
“In the meantime, I suggest we all simply blame foreigners and human rights, because they are the cause of every problem ever.”