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Toby Young resigns to spend more time being a twat

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Toby Young has resigned in order to spend more time being a twat, it has been reported.

The hard-right idealogue told reporters: “Even though I am barely a few days into my new job at the Office for Students, I have decided to resign in order to pursue new personal and professional challenges.”

“I am resigning not because of the outrage that my ill-advised appointment has caused, but because I would like to spend more time being a complete twat.”

“It is a shame that Momentum thugs have chosen to hound me on Twitter, just because of of some trivial remarks I made when I was in my late 40s.”

“I had big plans to destroy the education of hundreds of thousands of university students by forcing them to listen to crazed far-right propagandists like Milo Yiannopoulos and Rupert Murdoch.”

“I can also now reveal I had plans to create a mandatory module titled ‘The Benefits of Brexit and the Evils of the EUSSR’, which would have ensured only the brightest and most committed to the Brexit cause should be awarded a degree.”

“Now if you would all please excuse me, I have to go and be hateful and misogynistic on Twitter.”

UK News

Iain Duncan Smith to release uplifting film about people who died after benefits got stopped

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Iain Duncan Smith will release an uplifting film about people who died shortly after their benefits got sanctioned, it has been announced.

It is understood that the film is intended to counter what Mr Duncan Smith called ‘the left wing fantasy’ of Ken Loach’s latest film, and is written and directed by the former Minister for Work and Pensions himself.

The professional liar told Newscrasher: “I am proud of my record of killing a large number of benefit claimants via unfair cuts and sanctions, and I wanted to make an uplifting film about that.”

“However, unlike Ken Loach, I wanted to make a film that is not based on the real life experiences of anybody, ever. It will be based on true events, but only because people really are dying as a consequence of having their benefits sanctioned. Everything else will be purely fictional.”

The provision title of the film is reported to be ‘I Duncan Smith’, although there is said to be some debate about whether to change to Mr Duncan Smith’s reportedly preferred title ‘I Came, I Saw, You Starved to Death in a Freezing Home’.

Speaking to Sky News, right wing hack Toby Young said: “There’s a particularly moving scene where Ian just walks over and tips a disabled lady out of her wheel chair, right in the middle of a Job Centre and screams at her: ‘Get up, get up, I command you to stand on your own two feet, and I’ll sanction anybody here who tries to help this woman’.”

“I was moved to tears, tears of joy, at seeing Mr Duncan Smith’s commitment to brutalising those most in need of help from the state.”

After watching the trailer, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg also praised the film: “At last, a film that shows the positive side of Ian Duncan Smith’s visionary policy of hounding the poor, the sick and the disabled to their deaths through stress, starvation and homelessness.”

“The fact that Jeremy Corbyn has refuses to accept the wisdom of Ian Duncan Smith’s war on the poor just goes to show how utterly unelectable he is.”