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Cameron to become ‘PM for life’

As crowds gather in central London and across the country to demand his resignation over his tax dodging, the hard right Prime Minister has signaled his intention to remain in office indefinitely.

Laughing off widespread calls for his resignation, Mr Cameron said: “Who do these plebs think they are? I’ve done nothing wrong, and I will never resign. I absolutely will not.”

“President Robert Mugabe, a great hero of mine, wouldn’t resign over something as trivial as potentially illegal tax irregularities, so why should I? Mugabe would never give in to treason or terrorism like this, and neither will I.”

“And that is why my Government will be rushing through the Patriotic Democracy Bill, without allowing MPs or the Lords to have a vote, in order to provide the legal framework for me to stay on at Number 10 indefinitely.”

“As PM for life, I will be able to see through our long term economic plan to its final solution. Not only will I ensure a reduction in the deficit of at least 5 per cent by the year 2039, I will also make sure hard working families on £100,000 or more have access to world class privatized public services.”

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Osborne twitter row: Cameron ‘common criminal’

The ongoing row over David Cameron’s tax affairs has intensified today after a tweet by George Osborne was seen to suggest he believes the Prime Minister is a ‘common criminal’.

In the tweet, Mr Osborne wrote: “Tax evasion is not just illegal it’s immoral. People evading tax should be treated same as common thieves.”

The Chancellor’s shock intervention in the row over tax dodging is likely to represent the death knell of Mr Cameron’s political career, and it is now likely to become increasingly difficult for Cameron to resist calls for his resignation.

Although the hard-right Prime Minister has not officially commented on the Chancellor’s tweet, Mr Cameron is understood to have privately called him a ‘drug-addled shambles of a chancellor who should still be refolding towels’.

Despite the rest of the media focusing on Cameron’s tax evasion scandal, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg spent most of the day tweeting her musings on why Jeremy Corbyn’s beard makes him unelectable and why the colour of his bicycle is the cause of divisions among the Parliamentary Labour Party.

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Tory leadership contest: Osborne and Adolf Hitler neck and neck

In the wake of disgraced Prime Minister David Cameron’s imminent resignation, media speculation abounds over who will replace him as party leader.

Will the new leader continue to hound the disabled and vulnerable to death, in order to pay for tax cuts for the rich? Or will the Government instead embrace one-nation conservatism and only be moderately evil? For poor and rich alike, the stakes could not be higher.

This list of known or suspected leadership contenders is as follows:

George Osborne: Chancellor of the Exchequer since 2010 and alleged tax-dodger, he currently enjoys similar levels of support within the party membership as Adolf Hitler, thanks in part to his cruel policy of asset-stripping the most vulnerable in society, for the benefit of the wealthy elite.

Iain Duncan Smith: Former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, he presided over some of the worst human rights abuses this country has ever seen. For this reason alone he finds plenty of support from both Young Conservatives and a significant section of the grass-roots party.

Michael Gove: The highly irritating former Education Secretary, whose destruction of the education of millions of children, is well viewed by Conservative activists and voters earning more than £100,000 a year.

Theresa May: Home Secretary since 2010, she spearheaded the government’s totalitarian crackdown on the privacy and freedom of those who are not extremely rich. Considered by many in the party as a champion for wealth-creation due to the outsourcing of a number of Home Office services, from which she has definitely not benefited financially.

Liz Kendall: A Labour back-bencher and fierce critic of Jeremy Corbyn’s humanist policies, Liz is rumoured to be considering crossing the floor to lead the Conservative Party. Sensationally, leaked polling suggests Kendall may achieve even greater support than she did in the Labour leadership contest.

Boris Johnson: Mayor of London and general twat, he is by no means among the front-runners, but for some explicable reason he retains a degree of popularity among the hard right Euroskeptic wing of the party.

Adolf Hitler: Resurrected thanks to a top secret cloning project funded by wealthy Conservative Party donors, he enjoys significant support from prominent hard-right MPs such as Jacob Rees-Mogg. This is thanks to his tough stance on migration, and his planned acceleration of the Government’s policy of killing or enslaving the entirety of the population who earn below £100,000 a year.

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Cameron expected to resign soon over tax-dodging, corruption, sex, drugs scandals

British Prime Minister David Cameron is expected to resign in the very near future, as the result of a perfect storm of self-inflicted scandals concerning allegations over drug-taking, sex with a deceased pig, corruption, tax dodging, cheating in elections, and manslaughter of the sick and disabled.

Speculation abounds regarding which Conservative MP will take the helm of the party, but most commentators agree that the next Tory leader will be only marginally less unpopular than the evil dictator President Assad of Syria.

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Cameron: Tax is for the little people

As the political storm surrounding the Cameron family’s tax affairs intensifies, the Prime Minister has once again attempted to justify his dubious offshore tax arrangements.

Visibly angry at being asked difficult questions by people who don’t know their place, Mr Cameron snarled: “Tax is for the little people, and those earning less than £100,000 a year. At six foot two and being from a wealthy family, I shouldn’t have to bother with things like honesty or actually paying my taxes.”

“I don’t know why you journalists are going round setting fire to each other over a trivial matter like my tax dodging, when I’ve done things that are far more illegal and damaging to the national interest.”

Taking to Twitter in defence of the Prime Minister, Laura Kuenssberg wrote: “PM doing nothing illegal, rich tax dodgers help poor via trickle down effect”.

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Osborne poll boost as Chancellor overtakes Adolf Hitler

Hard-right Chancellor George Osborne has received a major boost to his popularity, a recent Yougov poll suggests.

The new poll suggests Mr. Osborne has seen a substantial increase in his popularity since his omnishambles 2016 Budget, with his approval rating having increased from -99 to -97, overtaking Adolf Hitler to become the second least popular Chancellor in the history of the world.

The accompanying report from a Yougov analyst argues that although the increase in popularity is statistically significant, it is likely to be caused by the fact that the Chancellor’s cruel policies are predominantly killing off those with whom he is least popular.

Speaking about his growing popularity, the hard-right Chancellor said: “Adolf Hitler was great in his own way, and on a personal level it is a true honour to know that the British public hold me in even higher esteem than Hitler, despite the fact that I have not yet caused the level of misery and death than the Fuhrer achieved under his own long-term economic plans.”

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Global tax evasion community disowns man who fucked a pig’s head

The global tax evasion community has today denied any link with alleged tax criminal and UK Prime Minister David Cameron.

A spokesman for the International Association of Money Launderers (IAML) said: “Our members are interested only in the victim-less crime of defrauding the taxpayer of their respective countries of residence.”

“Had we known at the time about the unproven but undenied allegation of sexual activity with a dead pig, we would never have admitted David Cameron to our criminal enterprise. Therefore, it is with regret that we must now sever all official ties with Mr Cameron.”

The announcement by the IAML comes hot on the heels of the explosive revelation that David Cameron’s father used an offshore tax evasion scheme to evade a substantial amount of tax.

But even more damaging for the right wing Prime Minister is his refusal to deny allegations that he has used the same tax evasion scheme as his late father: a non-denial which some observers have taken as a tacit admission of Mr Cameron’s guilt.

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Cameron in coma after drunken brawl with Boris

British Prime Minister David Cameron is reported to be in a coma, following a drunken brawl with euroskeptic MP Boris Johnson. It is understood that Mr Cameron suffered a serious head injury in the altercation, during which Mr Johnson is said to called the Prime Minister ‘an absolute rotter’ and ‘the biggest liar in the history of the world’.

Speaking outside the West-End five-star hospital in which the Prime Minister is being treated, Samantha Cameron told reporters: “We would like to thank the vanishingly small number of well-wishers who have sent messages of support for David.”

“It’s heartwarming to know there are still a few people up and down the country whose lives haven’t yet been utterly wrecked by the cruel policies of David’s government.”

Hospital staff said that security had to be stepped up after a member of the public ‘accidentally’ unplugged Mr Cameron’s life-support in order to charge a mobile telephone.

News of Mr Cameron’s misfortune went viral on social media almost immediately, reaching more than 10 million Facebook ‘likes’ in under an hour.

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Blairites to intensify abstentions in wake of Port Talbot

Several prominent Blairite MPs have vowed to intensify their abstentions in the wake of the Port Talbot crisis.

An anonymous Labour MP told Newscrasher: “Our campaign of abstentions has been highly effective at providing opposition to the Tories, in a way that Jeremy’s actual opposition has not.”

“Not only have we allowed the passage of numerous bills that cruelly victimise the poor. We have also propagated the myth that as a non-Blairite, Jeremy Corbyn is unable to mount any effective opposition to the Tories with whom I share so much common ground.”

He added: “Now is the time to step-up the intensity of our abstention campaign, to show solidarity with the hard working wealth creators up and down the country who earn £100,000 or more.”

An anonymous former Labour leadership candidate, who gained an impressive 4.5 per cent in last year’s leadership contest, said: “As somebody who stands for nothing except election, I’m uniquely placed to help the ordinary people.”

“That is why I will be fighting tooth and nail against literally thousands of job losses at Porto Talbot by abstaining on absolutely every commons vote.”

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Train operators welcome National Rail Refund Day

Next Tuesday is rail refund day, where passengers have the annual chance to collect a rail refund.

As stated in section 91827(a) paragraph 16 of the terms and Conditions of Carriage, passengers may obtain a refund between 2.15 AM and 2.16 AM next Tuesday morning from a single designated customer service window at Penzance.

This national service is provided to rail passengers on condition that they bring with them no less than 6 different photo IDs, along with a serial number of the ticket machine they bought the original ticket from, and a description of the weather that day for verification purposes.

The refund period has been welcomed by the train operating companies who claim it heralds a new openness towards customers, following criticism last year that refunds were only available from the ticket office on the shetland islands, which have no train station.

Customers no longer have to bring six pints of blood from their first born child.
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