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Poll: Should Stephen Crabb be prosecuted?

Few would disagree that new Secretary of State for Work and Pensions is implementing a number of policies that will be hugely detrimental to those who are disabled, sick, or unemployed.

Some have even gone as far as to argue that a number of the policies are an abuse of human rights, with suggestions that tens of thousands of premature deaths may result.

Should Stephen Crabb face investigation and prosecution for what he’s doing? You decide.

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Osborne discovered hiding in a hole with Coke and a half-eaten cat

After several days missing, Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has been found alive and well, much to the relief of a vanishingly small number of people.

Mr Osborne left 11 Downing Street on Thursday citing an ‘urgent hair-cut appointment’ and was not seen until this morning, when worried civil servants found him in a hole dug in the back garden of 10 Downing Street.

Osborne was reportedly recovered in a semi-deranged state, ranting about how Iain Duncan Smith was the fault of Jeremy Corbyn.

During his disappearance, Osborne’s only sustenance is believed to have been a value pack of Coke and Larry the Downing Street cat, who was last seen by the PM on Friday morning.

Treasury officials have denied the chancellor has had an actual breakdown: “On Thursday evening the Chancellor left for an urgent hair cut appointment, and then began a meditative break to reconnect with nature here in the City of Westminster. Rejuvenated by his break the Chancellor looks forward to resuming work, just as soon as the fall-out from his shambolic budget fuck-up has blown over.”

Mr Osborne was unavailable for comment.

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George Osborne completes 27 cuts in 27 days

George Osborne has today completed a total of 27 cuts in just 27 days.

The Chancellor ended his exertions under a statue of Rhodes in Oxford. “It was very, very tough. The 27 cuts were intended to reflect the 27 years Mr Mandela spent in jail before becoming South Africa’s worst president.”

Osborne’s endurance feat has cut more than £1.35 billion and the 2016 Tory Tax Relief total now stands at £56 billion.

Over the course of the 27 cuts he battled eating too much caviar, complaining about a noisy Top Gear Episode being filmed outside, and a desire to laugh at disabled people.

He was also forced to avoid a scheduled cut on the fifth day of the challenge, which meant he had to make two cuts on the final day.

“It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” said a very tired Osborne. “Thank you to everyone who voted Tory, and don’t do this at home.”

Jim Davidson, Rebekkah Brooks and Mike Reid are among those who tweeted their congratulations.

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Stephen Crabb under fire over links to ‘Tory cure’ group

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Stephen Crabb has come under intense fire over his links to a fundamentalist Christian group that believes holding Conservative political ideals is a perversion that can be ‘cured’.

The Christian Action Research and Education group (CARE), with whom the hard-right MP for Preseli Pembrokeshire began his political career, claims that Tories are ‘politically broken’ and that they can become ‘ex-Tory’ through a combination of prayer and brainwashing.

His appointment by David Cameron to the position of Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has raised eyebrows in some quarters, not least because the fundamentalist MP recently voted in favour of asset-stripping the disabled for the benefit of high earners.

Speaking to the press last night, Mr Crabb said: “My predecessor at the Department of Work and Pensions should be proud of his record of waging war on the disabled, the sick, and the unemployed. I hope to bring the same hatred and thoughtlessness to the role.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have cruel policies to roll out against the disabled.”

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Iain Duncan Smith discovered conscience in the attic

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher about his decision to resign from the Department of Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith has explained how he found his conscience and abandoned his campaign of terror against those who are disabled, sick, or unemployed.

“For years i asked Betsy to see if she could find my conscience, and after a root around in the loft of our holiday home in the south of France, she found it discarded in a box that hadn’t been opened since 1991.”
“I opened it last night and the immediate warm glow made me realise what a complete bastard I’d been for all these years.”
“I can only apologise to all the disabled people I screwed over. I know that I caused thousands of deaths, but with my conscience now regained I can finally take a stand against David Cameron and back Jeremy Corbyn fully.”
“I look forward to the Labour party processing my application as soon as possible. Keep the red flag flying, comrades!”
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Man who hounded the disabled and sick resigns because another man proposed doing more of the same

A member of the Conservative government who persistently hounded the disabled and sick over a period of years has today resigned because the Chancellor proposed hounding the sick and disabled in his new budget.

In his explosive resignation letter Mr Duncan Smith said: “I am unable to watch passively whilst certain policies are enacted in order to meet the fiscal self-imposed restraints that I believe are more and more perceived as distinctly political rather than in the national economic interest,”

“Too often my team and I have been pressured in the immediate run up to a budget or fiscal event to deliver yet more reductions to the working-age benefit bill.

“There has been too much emphasis on money-saving exercises and not enough awareness from the Treasury, in particular, that the government’s vision of a new welfare-to-work system could not be repeatedly salami-sliced.

“It is therefore with enormous regret that I have decided to resign.”

The pro-Conservative BBC political editor Laura Kuenssberg said:”To be fair, George Osborne has an incredibly difficult job to do, and his redistribution of wealth from the poorest to the wealthiest is unquestionably the best course of action for the Chancellor to take.”

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We just want to watch your future burn, say baby boomer parents

A couple from Surrey have taken time out from planning their third foreign holiday of the year to ponder the extent to which they would like to destroy the futures of their adult children.

Having enjoyed a lifetime of generous public services, good working conditions and affordable house prices, baby boomers Mr and Mrs Buswell believe they’ve earned the right to a comfortable retirement, funded by the feckless younger generations of today.

Mary, a former admin assistant, said: “We voted UKIP because that nice Mr Farage pledged to stop brown people coming into the country or getting benefits, but neither of us was particularly upset when the Tories won, because we knew they’d keep house prices sky high and would keep screwing over people who are young, poor or foreign.”

Faced with the momentous decision of which way to vote in the referendum on membership of the European Union the Buswells expect to carefully weigh-up the facts, before eventually succumbing to their prejudices about people who aren’t British or white.

Her husband Edward, a former soldier who also worked in the sewage processing industry, added: “On balance, we feel sticking two fingers up to all  foreigners everywhere must take precedence over trivial issues like the economic and social benefits of access to the common market or mutually beneficial cooperation with our European neighbours.”

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Proposed reforms to English language will make criticism of Tories impossible, say Labour

Several high profile members of the Labour party have spoken out strongly against the reforms to the English language proposed by the Government.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn described the proposed reforms as “fundamentally undermining our right to freedom of expression” and “an attempt to implement the Orwellian nightmare of newspeak.”

The reforms include changes to grammar rules so that negative or insulting adjectives cannot be used when the Conservative Party or the name of any Conservative MP is the subject of the sentence. The Government has also published a list of recommended adjectives for use when Conservatives are the subject, ranging from ‘good’ to ‘double-plus good’.

Conversely, positive adjectives will no longer be permitted in sentences where Labour is the subject. To describe Jeremy Corbyn, the only permitted adjectives are to be ‘hard-left’ and ‘terrorist sympathiser’ — a rule that is already being strictly observed by the Daily Mail.

Speaking in Parliament about the proposed reforms, hard right prime minister David Cameron said: “What this country needs is a strong economy and an end to terrorism. By making efficiency savings to the vocabulary of the English language, our reforms will not only boost economic activity and create jobs, but will make it impossible for terrorist sympathisers like Jeremy Corbyn to threaten the security of hardworking families earning £100,000 or more a year.”

However, a number of Blatcherite Labour MPs have expressed incredulity that Jeremy Corbyn would oppose the bill. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a prominent Blatcherite MP said: “Jeremy needs to get real and recognise that the Tories won, and they won because Labour weren’t right wing enough. Honestly, we need to be more appealing to the right wing voters who would have voted for Tony Blair, and this means supporting the Tory crackdown on thought-crime.”

The mouthy MP added: “Once I’ve stabbed Jeremy in the front and back and assumed leadership of the party, I can guarantee you I’ll take Labour back to Tory-lite against the wishes of the party membership.”

A number of prominent Conservative MPs have voiced strong support for the bill. Speaking outside Parliament, Government minister Chris Grayling told reporters: “Long have satirical bullies conspired to disparage and humiliate the honest and caring Conservative members of Parliament, of which I am an exceptional example.”

“Words cannot express how pleased I am that soon it will be impossible for the Conservative Government to be the subject of mirth and ridicule, be this via the intelligent satire of broadcasters like Charlie Brooker, or crude internet memes alluding to the unproven but undenied allegation that David Cameron once fucked a dead pig in the head.”

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MPs left stunned as fully nude Theresa May debates snooper’s charter

MPs were left stunned today as Home Secretary Theresa May opted to go fully nude during a parliamentary debate on the new investigatory powers bill.

Speaking about new legislation that will allow the state to intrude on the privacy of every man, woman and child in Britain Mrs May said: “The threat of terrorism posed by jihadis and the Labour Party can only be defeated by placing everybody under 24 hour surveillance. That is why I stand before you, completely naked, with nothing whatsoever to hide, and thus nothing to fear.”

Speaking outside Parliament, Labour MP Harriet Harman described the Home Secretary’s nude speech as “daring and inspirational, an example to us all.”

However, Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron labeled it a “cheap stunt designed to deflect attention” from what he claimed is “the sinister totalitarian agenda of the Home Secretary.”

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People thank me for stopping their benefits, says Iain Duncan Smith

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has today claimed that 75% of people who’ve suffered benefit sanctions thanked him personally for “helping them focus and get on.”

Mr Duncan Smith said: “One man came up me who said he’d been in a wheelchair. He hadn’t had use of his legs since 1998, but when DWP staff tricked him into losing his benefits, this helped him focus and he told me how he’d subsequently adopted a Bruce Lee style training plan that enabled him to grow his legs back again.”

“Now he not only walks, but is a black belt at Karate.”

“Every day I am humbled,” added Duncan Smith, “at the love and affection given to me by the disabled. Some even ask me for their autograph and there’s nothing more moving than posing for a selfie with a formerly disabled person who grew their legs back and can now stand up. It’s all thanks to me!

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A Satirical Take On The News