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G4S to sell juvenile prison to McDonalds

G4S is to sell its Medway juvenile prison to fast food giant McDonalds, it has been announced today. A spokeswoman for G4S said the Medway Secure Training Centre in Kent had seen a fall in profitability due to a recent spate of violence by guards and inmates.

A McDonalds spokesman, speaking exclusively to Newscrasher claimed “for decades we have been renowned for our high quality food that contains important nutritional elements such as water, for our educational projects with children thanks to plastic toy film tie-ins, and Ronald McDonald, an icon among the young. This move into the prison sector is a welcome diversification of our business, and is expected to further enhance our share of the fast-food market.”

“Not only will the inmates be able to enjoy breakfast, lunch and dinner carefully selected by us from the McDonalds menu, they will also enjoy paying their way by working within an adjoining McDonalds restaurant and drive-thru, to be constructed at the expense of the taxpayer.”

The news has been welcomed by Home Secretary Theresa May, whose husband Philip bought a substantial shareholding in McDonalds last week.

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Rename SNP to Scottish National Socialist Party insists Salmond

Former First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond has demanded the SNP be renamed the “Scottish National Socialist Party” to outflank Labour, which is currently undergoing a left wing resurgence under left winger Jeremy Corbyn.

Professor Salmond said: “We say the SNP are a left wing or socialist party, but the reality is we don’t actually have any real left wing policies, and this is a problem for the party.”

The former First Minister explained: “With Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour party now tacking to the left, we need to find a way to outflank them without upsetting our moderate middle class support base, who enjoy lavish spending at the expense of the poor.”

“The best way we can achieve this is to include the word ‘socialist’ in the name of our party. If this kind of trickery can work for the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, then it can sure as fuck work for us.”

Current leader of the SNP Nicola Sturgeon was famously unable to name any SNP policies that redistribute from the wealthy to the poor, despite repeated claims that the party is left wing.

First Minister Sturgeon is said to have welcomed Mr Salmond’s comments, and intends to study the proposal.

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My war on benefits is like second world war fight against Hitler, says Iain Duncan Smith

Iain Duncan Smith has vowed to continue his war on benefits despite stiff resistance from the Lords, likening it to the struggle against Adolf Hitler during the second world war.

Speaking to the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg, the Secretary of State said he wanted to “end the virtual slavery of benefit dependence and replace it with actual slavery.”

Continuing, former Conservative leader said: “I’m battling for Britain against the benefits culture that blights the lives of millions of hard working taxpayers, particularly those earning £100,000 or more, much like we battled for Britain against Hitler and his socialist regime during the second world war.”

When asked whether those on the left who oppose his policies are the devil incarnate, Mr Duncan Smith replied: “Yes, and their humanitarianism is the expression of stupidity and cowardice.”

Alluding to a recent News Crasher campaign to have Mr Duncan Smith prosecuted, he added: “As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice. I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator.”

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Disbelief as pro cyclist discovered not cheating

Today the cycling world was rocked by fresh allegations about mechanical doping on the pro racing scene.

According to a leaked report seen by Newscrasher, the UCI has uncovered damning evidence that a well known member of a UK-based professional cycling team has been discovered to not be using mechanical or conventional doping.

Doping has long been practised by athletes looking for a competitive advantage and is relatively easy to detect. But recent advances in battery technology have made it possible to fit compact electrical motors inside competition bicycles, freeing cyclists from the hassle of having to prepare and take drugs ahead of races, and a number of well known cyclists register extraordinary performances using mechanical doping.

However, the revelation that some professional cyclists are shunning mechanical doping will send shock waves through the cycling community, and we can expect serious questions to be asked in the coming days regarding how this unsporting behaviour can be detected and discouraged, in order to maintain a level playing field in this sport.

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Michael Gove launches campaign to clean up homeless people with fire hoses

Secretary of State for Justice Michael Gove has today launched a campaign to clean up homeless people with fire hoses.

Mr Gove told reporters: “My visionary Clean for the Queen scheme is a call to arms for the common man to solve two problems: the homelessness life style choice, and the lack of funding for street cleaners due to local government inefficiency. I believe inside every homeless person is an aspirational conservative voter trying to get out, and I believe powerful fire hoses will motivate them to get up, get off benefits and into a job.”

The fire hose solution was first mooted by the Justice Secretary’s political hero and then Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, who was eventually talked out of it by her then Home Secretary Douglas Hurd.

During the subsequent photo-call, Mr Gove mucked in with anti homeless conservative volunteers, where he hosed passerby Jeremy, aged 66, from Islington who had been mistaken for a tramp due to his lack of Savile Row tailoring.

Unfortunately, several members of the public mistook Gove for something else, and an attempt was made to deposit him in a nearby dog waste bin before he squirmed free shouting “it’s me Michael, I’m from the government.”

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Heartless bastard warns more poor and disabled may need to die

Chancellor George Osborne has today warned that more of the poor and disabled may need to die, due to new and unnecessary spending cuts in the upcoming budget.

Mr Osborne told Fox News’ political editor Laura Kuenssberg that global economic issues and reduced growth meant “we may need to undertake further reductions” in the poor and disabled populace.

He said in the exclusive interview with Kuenssberg, a political ally of the Conservative Party: “We may need to undertake further reductions in the number of people on benefits because this country can only afford what it can afford and we’ll address that in the Budget because I’m absolutely clear we’ve got to root our country in the principle that we live within our means and that we have economic security.”

He went on to say the “whole purpose of our economic plan was to accelerate our redistribution of wealth from the poor, disabled and vulnerable to the retirees and the wealthy, to whom this country owes so much.”

He added: “All welfare and a decent education does is produce Labour voters. Because of this we are committed to plunging poor families into abject poverty and to destroying their educational chances, as this will make Great Britain Great Great Britain again.”

The Taxpayers’ Alliance campaign group has welcomed the plans.

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New Star Wars villain to be based on the political career of Iain Duncan Smith

The next installment of the Star Wars saga will include a villain based on British Politician Iain Duncan Smith, director of Episode VIII Rian Johnson has revealed.

Speaking to fans at an event in Florida, Johnson explained how he plans to continue in the footsteps of George Lucas by using real life as the inspiration for Star Wars characters and events.

He said: “Iain Duncan Sith is to be one of the most evil and sinister characters in the Star Wars universe. Thanks to the extraordinary CGI made possible by Industrial Light and Magic, Iain Duncan Sith will be composed entirely of semi-sentient faecal slime, the pungent smell of which be available in selected 4D cinemas across Europe and North America in December 2017.”

“Duncan Sith’s career in the Galactic Senate is built on making the poor poorer, pushing children into poverty, and starving the ill and disabled, all while claiming to be able to live on 53 Galactic Credits a week.”

Johnson added: “The turning point in the story arc of this movie is when Duncan Sith forces several million unemployed beings into unpaid labour as part of his Workfare programme, building a giant space-station capable of destroying an entire planet. When left wingers from the Jedi Council confront him about the harmful impact and injustice of his policies, Duncan Sith becomes violent and is fatally wounded in the ensuring light sabre battle.”

A talking Iain Duncan Sith toy is now available in shops, for a RRP of £19.99.  When punched in the balls the toy will play one of several lines from the film, including “I don’t care who’s died”, “I am proud of my record”, and “work sets you free.”

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Ghost of war criminal unaware he’s been dead since 2007

The ghost of reviled war criminal and former barrister Tony Blair has today launched a stinging attack on current Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn.

Speaking to the Guardian, he said: “I’m struggling to grasp the high popularity of Jeremy Corbyn, given the question of his low popularity.”

“As a member of the wealthy elite, I’m skeptical of mavericks like Corbyn and Bernie Sanders, who embody the loss of faith in the right wing of their respective parties.”

The former friend of Rupert Murdoch, who denied ever touching Wendy’s dong, added: “Sanders I’m sure means well, but ideas like universal healthcare or affordable education are discredited twentieth century concepts. People need to pay their way.”

Turning closer to home, he warned against reversing cuts to public services: “Free healthcare and education: well, that’s great, but there’s no money. An end to war, but there are always going be liars like me to fool the country into new wars, for which there’s always money.”

“It’s hot down here, you know.”

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EU exit will allow us to implement Nazism and fight Labour terror threat, says Iain Duncan Smith

Remaining within the EU will prevent the Conservative government from implementing Nazism, and will hinder the fight against Labour party terrorists, Iain Duncan Smith has claimed in an interview with the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.

Euroskeptic Mr Duncan Smith is one of the several cabinet ministers to have declared support for the UK to leave the EU. Outlining his vision for a fully independent UK, he said: “Our continued membership of the European Union places unacceptable constraints on what the British government can do to its people, particularly in terms of human rights abuses.”

“As I battle for Britain against those who are on benefits, there are a number of measures that are urgently needed. Concentration work camps would, for example, reduce the overall benefits bill and would teach survival skills, self reliance, and a work ethic to the disabled and unemployed. Siting large scale crematoria close to these camps would make it possible to more efficiently dispose of the bodies of former claimants who die shortly after being declared fit for work and taken off benefits. These are just examples of some of the incredible efficiency savings that we would be able to implement for the benefit of taxpayers earning £100,000 or more. I know this kind of thing has been tried before, but you can trust this government to put in place the relevant safeguards to ensure Nazism works this time around.”

After a few moments punching the air and laughing raucously, the Work and Pensions Secretary added: “Leaving the EU will give us back the powers we need to crack down on terrorist elements in the unions and the Labour Party, and will also let us reform our democracy to make the Conservative Party the party of eternal government.”

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Tories to force the homeless to pay council tax

Today the Conservatives have announced plans that would see the homeless forced to pay council tax, echoing original plans for the Poll Tax.

To little fanfare, a tired and emotional David Cameron took time out from his largely hopeless renegotiation of the UK’s place in the European Union, to announce the new policy to reporters: “For too long, the government has been a soft touch on homelessness.”

“But homeless people use council services too. Local policing costs are expended in maintaining order on the streets, council legal campaigns against soup kitchens cost money, and the hogging of the pavements by the homeless presents huge costs to councils, which could otherwise generate revenue by renting that space. It is, therefore, only fair that the homeless should pay the costs of their homelessness.”

Homeless people will be required to register with their local police force, who will then issue an invoice for council tax, including a small surcharge to cover the additional costs to the police.

When asked how homeless people would be able to afford to pay the tax, a government spokesman said: “In the event that a homeless person’s begging income is insufficient to cover the council tax bill and police surcharge, the DWP will provide advice on how to beg more efficiently”

“In extreme cases, thanks to a landmark agreement between ATOS, Wonga and the DWP, a homeless person may obtain a loan secured against their soul, to be repaid by becoming a tenant in one of the new ATOS workhouses.”

Labour has vowed to vigorously oppose this new policy, a move which some senior cabinet ministers have branded “tantamount to supporting terrorism”.

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A Satirical Take On The News