Workplace masturbation is the key to job satisfaction, says Damian Green

Extended periods of masturbation in the workplace is the key to job satisfaction, according to top Conservative Minister Damian Green.

Mr Green said: “At the end of an ordinary working day, I come home to my wife fully refreshed after a day of hard work, punctuated by periods of extended masturbation at my desk.”

“Bosses looking to raise productivity and employee satisfaction levels should have a long, hard look at implementing this sort of masturbation policy in the workplace.”

“For workers who are not fortunate enough to have a pro-masturbation employer, I suggest becoming best friends with the Prime Minister, just like I am.”

“That way, even if you get caugh bashing one out to porn on your work computer, you can never be sacked. On the contrary, you may even rise to become deputy leader of the 6th richest country on the planet, as I have done.”

“A number of other senior Conservative ministers are also boosting their productivity and job satisfaction using sexually energising techniques. However, they are not yet ready to go public about it for fear of weakening the UK Government’s hand in the ongoing Brexit negotiations.”

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