Tag Archives: theresa may

UK News

Stop pestering me about the fucking NHS, says Theresa May

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By Horace McSavage

Theresa May has sensationally lost her temper at the repeated questions from journalists about the perilous state of the National Health Service, it has emerged.

The PM, during an appearance on breakfast TV, denied that the NHS was her responsibility and blamed just about everybody for the perilous state of the NHS, except her government: “It’s the fault of all the foreigners that the previous Labour governments let into the country, it’s the fault of doctors, it’s the fault of nurses, it’s the fault of patients, and it’s the fault of the EU that we are still a member of.”

And in an unprecedented rant she suggested that the Tory party had more important things to worry about than poor people’s health: “Oh will you just shut up about the bloody NHS for two minutes.”

“If you’re that bothered about being cured, then you should bloody well pay for treatment like any self-respecting Tory. We’ve got Brexit to worry about, and I need to focus on getting the best deal for Tory party donors, not curing cancer in people who earn under £200,000 a year.”

The PM then went on to blame the crisis on doctors not working enough hours, stating: “Why are you pestering me about it anyway? I’m not a doctor. Go and pester those overpaid, under-worked do-gooders.”

“Now if you will excuse me, I have a photoshoot with Vogue Magazine to go to, because I’m such a fashion icon.”

UK News

Theresa May denies NHS has humanitarian crisis because NHS users ‘are not human’

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The National Health Service does not have a humanitarian crisis because NHS users are not human, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking in Parliament, the Prime Minister said: “The Red Cross lied when they said our red, white and blue national health service is facing a humanitarian crisis. This is because NHS users are not actually human.”

“Most of these people fecklessly earn less than £100,000 a year, and in almost all cases have shirked their responsibility to take out private medical insurance policies. If they happen to find themselves dying in an overcrowded hospital corridor, they only have themselves to blame.”

Mrs May added: “The cause of the NHS crisis is a complete mystery to us here in the Conservative Party.”

“We pretend to do our best, but in actual fact we are defunding and dismantling the NHS to set the stage for full privatisation, and we would like the public to believe that due to forces beyond our understanding the NHS just doesn’t have the money to provide healthcare any better than that found in a typical third-world country like Zimbabwe, Sierra Leone or Wales.”

“Even the finest journalistic minds at the BBC or the Daily Mail have been unable to determine whether there is any connection between my government’s deliberate defunding and the shockingly poor quality of healthcare being provided by the NHS at the moment.”

“In the meantime, I suggest we all simply blame foreigners and human rights, because they are the cause of every problem ever.”

UK News

Jeremy Corbyn should swear more to raise popularity, say New Labour grandees

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By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Jeremy Corbyn is being urged to make  greater use of foul language in order to boost his popularity, it has emerged.

New Labour grandees have advised Jeremy Corbyn to call Theresa May “a cunt” at least once in every Prime Ministers Questions, in an attempt to be a more populist leader.

Jeremy is often seen as weak and ineffectual despite winning two leadership contests in a row with a record number of votes. Labour focus groups have indicated if he was nastier he would become more popular.

The decision comes following the airing last week of a video on Youtube which showed Theresa May trampling a baby to death in her Jimmy Choos whilst shouting “I hate poor people”. In the aftermath a Yougov poll found her popularity had risen more than seven points.

It is understood that Mr Corbyn has also been advised to carry out a sex act with a dead animal, but has refused citing his vegetarianism.

A former New Labour minister told Newscrasher: “We spoke to Jeremy about making himself more accessible through pranks and japes, but sadly he ruled out fucking a pigs head. The good news is that he is up for a large marrow and has already selected an organic prize winning specimen from his allotment.”

“He was particularly excited about the fact it would be one he’d grown himself to the most exacting organic standards in his allotment, and remarked that it wouldn’t feel any different to how we treat him normally anyway.”

News of a possible change of leadership style has been welcomed by many Conservatives, including Boris Johnson: “For years I have been an utter bastard and the public have loved me for it. If Jeremy takes the advice of the Blairites and starts acting like a Tory, we may then get some real opposition at last.”

UK News

Theresa May’s new year resolutions: learn to dress herself and stand properly

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Theresa May has big plans for 2017, including learning how to dress herself and how to stand properly, she has announced.

Speaking to a Daily Mail reporter during her latest fashion shoot, the Prime Minister said: “I’ve never needed the services of a style consultant, because being stylish just comes so naturally to me.”

“Today I’m wearing a pair of leather trousers with a retail price of £995. Ever conscious of how my actions impact on the environment, I selected these very eco-friendly trousers precisely because they were made from the skin of job seekers who died shortly after being sanctioned by the DWP.”

“Last week I left the house dressed as an Ikea cushion, for which the Mail gave me much praise for my elegance and fashion sense. People often stop me in the street and tell me I look great for somebody who is over 100 years old.”

“When I stood up on the stage at the Conservative Party conference, I decided to do George Osborne’s wide-legged power stance that his overpaid style adviser old him to do, but it just made me look even more of a twat than usual.”

“But that barely matters when you’re a style icon like I am.”

UK News

God is OK with all the starvation and homelessness we’re causing, Tories decide

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Christianity is definitely compatible with forcing the people into starvation and homelessness this Christmas, the government has decided.

Speaking to the BBC’s Conservative Journalist of the Year Laura Kuenssberg, the prime minister said: “I’m a devout Christian and although there are some interesting ideas in the New Testament, our policies are mainly based on the extremely cruel teachings that can be found in the Old Testament.”

“Bigotry, genocide and slavery are all in there, which is great for us Tories because we can be as evil as Hitler and still claim to be Christians. I’m pushing policies that are destroying the lives of ordinary people by forcing them into poverty, starvation and homelessness, but I’m still totally Christian.”

“God told me it’s OK to do what we’ve been doing to the poorest and most vulnerable in society. He said the same to Iain Duncan Smith as well. Now there’s a man who is right to be proud of his record of manslaughter.”

“On a personal note, I was never a big fan of Jesus Christ anyway. His left wing ideas about tolerance, helping the poor and curing the sick lack a certain Britishness. Jesus really is out of touch with public opinion these days.”

“Even worse, his family were health tourist immigrants who had poor financial planning, and I firmly believe the authorities of Judea were fully justified in putting that potential terrorist to death in the way they did.”

UK News

Theresa May slams Church of England for glorifying ‘health tourist’ Jesus

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The Church of England is wrong for glorifying ‘health tourist’ and ‘potential terrorist’ Jesus Christ and his parents, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking to somebody from the Sun who pretends to be a journalist, the Prime Minister said: “As a practising Christian I call on the Church of England to stop glorifying Jesus Christ and his parents, whose health tourism incurred a small but unacceptable administrative cost for the authorities of Judea two thousand years ago.”

“I now ask the Archbishop of Canterbury to join with me in calling for the potential terrorist and health tourist Jesus Christ to fuck off back to where he came from.”

“If the Church wishes to stay relevant to the people of Britain, it needs to accept that public opinion, as manipulated by right wing politicians and media, is now squarely against migrants coming over here and giving birth to messiahs in British stables.”

“The Church should glorify me instead, because I have the strongest Christian values of anybody in history. Just look at all the good work I’ve done making ordinary people’s lives worse through austerity, all while funneling wealth to the rich elite.”

“Why can’t people see the truth that I’m even more Christian than Jesus Christ himself.”

Far right inn keeper Chris Bumfield said: “A young couple knocked on our door in the early hours looking for a place to stay, but I told them the country’s already full and that they should clear off, and then without irony I complained that migrants don’t want to integrate”

UK News

EU leaders were simply too scared to approach me, insists Theresa May

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The other EU leaders did not shun me, they were simply too scared to approach me, Theresa May has insisted.

The Prime Minister told journalists: “I went in there armed to the teeth with bullshit soundbites about doing a red, white and blue Brexit, ready to battle for Britain like a true war hero.”

“If you look again at the video of me being ignored, you’ll see that the other leaders were actually just terrified of me. Their fear of my negotiating prowess was palpable, and clearly they all realised the only way for them to avoid defeat would be to avoid playing the game at all.”

One EU leader told Newscrasher: “British Prime Minister Theresa May is the best leader in the history of Europe, even more illustrious than Nicolae Ceausescu or Benito Mussolini. We were all really afraid to approach her in case she instantly vanquished us with a string of empty soundbites.”

On the EU negotiations, Tory MP Jacob Rees Mogg said: “Our exit from the EU will be so easy, we might as well wait out the full two years after triggering Article 50, and only begin negotiating at one minute before the deadline is up. I am unaware of anything that could possibly go wrong, save for acts of treason by unpatriotic remainers.”

“The onus will be on the EU to agree to our terms, or face being completely isolated from this great nation, so I’m pretty sure they’ll agree to all our selfish demand to stop contributing while still keeping all the stuff we like.”

UK News

Leaving EU easy as removing eggs and flour from baked cake, claims Theresa May

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Leaving the European Union is as simple as removing eggs and flour from a baked cake, Theresa May has announced.

Speaking after a summit of EU leaders where everybody ignored her, the prime minister said: “People who knew nothing at all about anything have voted to bring disaster upon the country, and that is exactly what we are going to do.”

“I don’t particularly care either way, but the fall-out from destroying the economy should allow me to consolidate my personal power, perhaps turning myself into a great dictator, and there will also be great opportunities to crack down on freedoms and worker rights.”

“Although basically all the experts say leaving the EU is practically impossible, we continue to maintain that it will be as simple as removing the eggs and flour from a baked cake. I’m an amazing woman and I’ve done that many times before.”

“The fact that all the other EU leaders have ignored me today just shows how strong our negotiating position is right now.”

“They were all far too scared to approach me in case I immediately vanquished their pathetic non-British ideas and returned to London having had our cake and eaten it.”

UK News

My £995 leather trousers ARE made from skin of sanctioned job seekers, Theresa May confirms

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After much media speculation about her leather trousers which reportedly cost £995, the prime minister has confirmed that they are in fact made from the skin of job seekers who had died shortly after being sanctioned by the DWP.

Speaking to the BBC’s former Conservative journalist of the year Laura Kuenssberg, Mrs May said: “At a time when people are starting to realise I’m a really shit prime minister, we thought it would be helpful to divert attention my Brexit omnishambles by making a fashion statement that friendly journalists could then use to make me appear human and likeable.”

“We settled on these particular trousers in a bid to appeal to bigoted readers of the Daily Mail who like to read stories about vulnerable people getting forced into starvation or even dying as a result of our deliberately cruel benefit sanctions.”

“Although some people have speculated that my leather trousers were made by slave children in Indonesia before being sold in one of Phillip Green’s retail outlets, I can categorically state that is not true.”

“I can now reveal that the trousers cost £995 of taxpayer’s money and in fact were manufactured from the skins of vulnerable benefit claimants who died as a result of specially targeted benefit sanctions.”

“I actually got Iain Duncan Smith to personally select the victims using his own warped ideas about social justice. He simply loves doing that kind of thing. We both had a good laugh about it as we ate their livers with fava beans and a nice chianti.”

“Oh, and my plan for Brexit? Imagine a red, white and blue boot stamping on a human face, forever.”

UK News

Now let’s achieve 100% thought-crime conviction rate, says Theresa May

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Theresa May has issued a plea for Parliament and the security services to help her to achieve a 100 per cent conviction rate for all types of thought-crime, it has emerged.

Speaking outside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister said: “As I tighten my openly dictatorial grip on the reins of power, it is essential that government agents working in the shadows are given the tools they need to snoop on everybody’s online activity.”

“Because of the political turmoil I have helped to induce, these are turbulent times. And to defend the will of the people and the far right revolution as embodied by me, it is essential that crack down on all enemies of the people.”

“So to the security services, to Parliament, and to patriotic right-wing members of the public, I say this. Let us boldly try to raise the thought-crime conviction rate to 100 per cent, or even higher if we can, to ensure Brexit Britain becomes a story of titanic success.”

“Unfortunately, gone are the days when people could only get their fake news and comment from a newspaper owned by a high net worth individual like Rupert Murdoch, or from a state-regulated television channel like the BBC.”

“And we now face the spectre of deplorably unbiased or left wing news being made freely available to anybody with a social media account, which poses a serious and existential threat to the established natural order of Tory hegemony over this country.”

“We know that many unpatriotic individuals are already committing serious thought crimes on a daily basis. Often, this goes beyond something as simple as sharing one of NewsThump’s satirical news story about me, which itself is a powerful gateway to radicalisation, and can turn into outright extremism such as plotting the overthrow of my cruel dictatorship using the ballot box.”