Tag Archives: tories

UK News

Senior Tories outraged as student burns banknote of too low value

Leave a comment

By Jeff Sanchez and Horace McSavage

Senior Tories have been left outraged after a Cambridge student burned a banknote of too low value in front of a homeless person, it has emerged.

The controversy arose after an undergraduate at the university was seen to burn a 20 pound note in front of a homeless person, as part of the initiation ceremony of a club for heartless Tory bastards.

The incident appears to have split the Conservative Party, with some believing the student in question should have used a single banknote of much higher value for greater effect, while other Conservatives have instead argued that burning a large bundle of 20 pound notes would have been more appropriate due to the additional upset it could potentially cause to the rough sleeper.

A spokesman for the Conservative Party said: “There may be disagreement about the technical details of how it was done, but the Conservative Party is in unanimous agreement that the homeless are workshy layabouts whose poor lifestyle choices need to be disincentivised by this kind of direct action.”

Former Minister for Manslaughter Iain Duncan Smith added: “Based on his callous behaviour, this brave young man has all the makings of a first class Conservative politician. Now, if he can also bring himself to fuck the head of a dead pig, then he may even become Prime Minister one day.”

UK News

Why my Brexit plan consists entirely of ridiculous threats and crude insults, by Theresa May

Leave a comment

Prime Minister Theresa May writes exclusively for satirical news website Newscrasher

After six months of obediently waiting for Britain’s most beloved People’s Fuhrer to outline her Brexit plan, I can now reveal all the important details of how we will smoothly exit the European Union and secure the best possible deal for Britain, while sticking it to Johnny Foreigner as our loyal tabloids have demanded.

Some people have suggested that there is in fact no plan, or that I am spearheading a secret plot to turn Britain into an extreme-right hell-hole for the benefit of the super rich. But let us not concern ourselves with questions asked of me by unpatriotic liars and suspected thought-criminals, many of whom will soon be dealt with by the full force of the law.

The plan for Brexit is simple yet cunning, and is sure to work. My government will do nothing more than issue ridiculous threats and make crude insults against our European friends and trading partners. We will also call on the EU to stop bullying us, even though it is my government who are the bullies.

Once they are able to understand that it is in their own interest to cave in to all our demands, the Europeans will do so with little regard for how disadvantageous a position it places them in.

My plan for Brexit will revolutionise Britain. We will have trade deals with the entire world, championing free trade. Our farmers will be stripped of their subsidies, our factories will be closed and replaced with cheaper Chinese imports, and our universities will be shut and workhouses erected in their place.

We will once again rule Kenya and Nigeria, and Suez is ours for the taking. India won’t want a free trade deal because they will want something even better – to be ruled by us again.

And finally, I will personally revoke American independence. It’s time they faced up to that fact and once again learned to sing “God Save The Queen”.

In summary, I will give the people of Britain the red, white and blue Brexit they deserve.

Red for the angry faces of xenophobes shouting abuse at foreigners and ethnic minorities.

White for the colour of the poor and vulnerable after we have bled them dry, and quite literally in some cases.

And blue for the Conservative Party’s perpetual rule, after we abolish democracy in all but name and establish a Great British dictatorship of the stupid.

UK News

Corbyn ‘fake news’ way more newsworthy than NHS crisis, according to mainstream media

Leave a comment

Anti-Corbyn ‘fake news’ is way more newsworthy than the humanitarian crisis the Tories have deliberately created in the NHS, the mainstream media has decided.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “It is vital that the British public are not permitted to see the true horror of what my good friends in the Government are doing to the National Health Service.”

“By ramping up efforts to manufacture fake news about Jeremy Corbyn, it is hoped that we can create an impenetrable  smokescreen for as long as Mr Hunt needs to complete his dismantling of our unfair and anachronistic universal health care system.”

But even some hard right media outlets have been unable to ignore the issues facing the NHS. An insider at the Daily Mail, who wished to remain anonymous, told Newscrasher: “Because most of our readers are old and infirm, they have a strong interest in the existence of a well run health service, free at the point of use, so we probably do need to report the so-called NHS humanitarian crisis.”

“However, we’re careful to shift blame away from the government’s evil policies and onto our favourite scapegoats: immigrants, gays and the EU. If we play our cards right, the NHS crisis might even accelerate the rise of British fascism that we and many of our readers are so eager to see.”

UK News

Woman who has contempt for ordinary people claims it’s the unions who have contempt for ordinary people

Leave a comment

A woman who has total contempt for ordinary people has claimed that unionised workers who are fighting to defend worker rights are actually the ones who have contempt for ordinary people, it has emerged.

A spokesperson for Theresa May said: “By striking, ordinary working people are showing contempt for the ordinary people who voted to leave the EU, and that is quite unacceptable in 21st century Tory Britain.”

“The prime minister hates the idea of workers having rights, because it causes so much inconvenience to ordinary people who earn £100,000 a year or more, people who are rich enough to have little need for collective bargaining and who are just trying to go about their lives of luxury.”

“The PM now calls on the striking workers to be patriotic, get back round the table and accept whatever shit deal the employers want to impose.”

“Ordinary working people need to realise they have no choice except to become slaves to rich shareholders like her millionaire husband who works for a hedge fund. This is the will of the British people according to the referendum held on the 23rd of June.”

“Failure to relinquish the right to strike will be met with the full force of a new anti-worker law that the Blairites will help us push through in Parliament early in 2017.”

UK News

Tories to spend the day laughing about child poverty

Leave a comment

A number of Conservative MPs plan to spend the day in parliament laughing about child poverty, it has been announced.

One front bench Conservative MP said: “Like many of my parliamentary colleagues, I love nothing better than having a good laugh at the plight of people, especially children, whom we have cruelly plunged into poverty.”

“In fact, I only go to prime minister’s questions because I enjoy hearing Jeremy Corbyn give examples of the poverty and hardships that ordinary people are being made to suffer as a result of policies I voted for.”

“It’s hilarious. I just can’t stop myself from bursting out in laughter when I hear the details of their wretched lives.”

“It’s also good to know that our regressive policies are working as intended, taking the country back to the Victorian era of private wealth and public squalor.”

“These proles only have themselves to blame for making the lifestyle choice of being born into a Northern or working class family. It’s a clear case of poor financial planning on their part.”

Iain Duncan Smith, the disgraced former Secretary of State for Work and Pensions added: “The fact that I married a rich wife and now live in luxury on the sprawling estate of my in-laws makes me uniquely qualified to comment on topics related to social justice, employment and benefits.”

“My own painstaking research, which is based entirely on Tory ideological assumptions instead of facts, shows that child poverty is actually the direct result of poor lifestyle choices not only by the parents, but by the children themselves.”

“If a seven year old is too lazy to sweep chimneys or sell themselves into slavery, then their family definitely deserves to be sanctioned and starve. Starvation sets you free, as I have always said.”

“And we have to ask the question: if that kind of innovative child labour is good enough for economic powerhouses like India or Indonesia, then why isn’t it good enough for these British snowflakes?”

“So when the leader of the opposition tells us about the supposed hardships of ordinary people I clearly do not give a single fuck about, it makes me want to jump up and punch the air with both fists.”

“When I do that, I like to imagine I’m a fascist version of Chuck Norris and I’m punching massive holes in the windows of people who are on benefits, so they’ll be freezing cold all Christmas.”

UK News

Tories still best at managing economy, says man whose life the Tories recently ruined

Leave a comment

The Tories are still the best people to manage the economy, according to a man whose life has just been ruined by the Tories.

Conservative voter Chris Bumfield said: “Despite causing year upon year of economic chaos which has resulted a substantial decrease in my standard of living, I still believe the Tories are the best at managing the economy because it’s something people say a lot.”

“And now that the Conservatives’ civil war over Europe led to the people voting to leave the EU against their own interests, we are experiencing yet another Tory omnishambles in the form of Brexit.”

“At first I thought the Tories were to blame for what they’ve done to this country, but thankfully the Daily Mail was there to inform me that none of the bad things that have happened since the referendum have anything to do with Brexit.”

“No, everything is the fault of remainers, or ‘remoaners’ as I like to call them (tee hee hee), and traitorous economists who refuse to think positive about Brexit and the incredible opportunities it presents for this now great country.

“Yes, it’s their fault but it’s nothing to do with Brexit.”

An anonymous Conservative told Newscrasher: “Our party has always done a fantastic job of managing the economy for the sole benefit of high net worth individuals who don’t like paying tax, while trying our hardest to make poor people’s lives as shit as possible.”

“The Brexit shitstorm provides the perfect camouflage for my party to push through all the hard right policies that Thatcher wanted to get done but was to scared to try. A mere two years from now there will be no welfare state except for pensioners, no NHS except for pensioners, and parents will be forced to pay thousands of pounds a year to send their children to a state school.”

“And the right wing media like the Sun and BBC will be there to brainwash enough of the poor into supporting it all.”

UK News

NHS needs to be much more racist, government officials confirm

1 Comment

The National Health Service needs to become a lot more racist in the way it deals with its patients, government officials have announced.

It is understood that hospital staff will be required by law to demand proof of Britishness before treatment is given, with evaluations being conducted at huge expense by mercenary nurses supplied by Atos or G4S. If a valid British passport with at least 6 months before expiry cannot be provided, the patient will be asked to fill a 12 page questionnaire about the benefits of Brexit.

A senior figure from the Department of Health said: “Health tourism is an insignificant problem that has been blown out of proportion by the press, but it does offers an excellent excuse to introduce systems for identity checks and patient charging into our hospitals.”

“To avoid alerting the general populace to our intentions, initially only ‘bad’ foreigners will face a charges NHS treatment. However, once Jeremy Hunt’s dastardly plan to defund the NHS has taken its toll, we think the public will accept the introduction of a ‘sickness penalty tax’, to be levied on everyone who needs NHS treatment and whose earnings are below the widely accepted scrounger/striver threshold of £100,000 a year.”

“Our objective is to make the NHS a lot fairer to rich people who resent that a small fraction of the tax they pay goes to fund socialised healthcare provision for people who are less wealthy than they are.”

Medical professionals are not impressed, however. One NHS doctor told Newscrasher: “Jeremy Hunt is living proof that the human body can survive for extended periods without a brain. I’m actually preparing an article for publication in The Lancet about this.”

UK News

Family of freeloaders to be given an even larger sum of free money

3 Comments

A family of super rich freeloaders are to receive even more free money than they get already, the Tories have announced.

A government spokesman said: “Thanks to savings made by snatching money from the poor, the government can now afford to give a massive amount of extra cash to the Royal Family.”

“The government takes very seriously its responsibility to ensure everybody lives somewhere which is fit for human habitation, unless of course you are a tenant of one of the many buy-to-let Tory MPs, in which case fuck you.”

“Today we can announce a new initiative which will allow us to pretend to be some kind of workers’ party. Our plan is to repair substandard housing with funds from the taxpayer, so that no family will ever again have to live in slum conditions, with a leaking roof, or with dodgy electrics.”

“However, as there isn’t the money to repair all the houses in the country, we have no choice but to initiate this with a staggered roll-out, starting with the richest and therefore the most deserving people in society.”

Iain Duncan Smith added: “I spoke to some poor people this morning, and all of them agreed that their poverty, starvation and possible death due to benefit cuts is definitely worth it now they know their money is going to a good cause such as the Royal Family.”

“It doesn’t matter that they were all paid actors, because in this post-truth world I have the right to just invent any facts I want and claim they are real.”

UK News

Tories abandon snap election plan after realising they’ve run out of lies to put in manifesto

1 Comment

The Conservative Party has abandoned plans for a snap general election after realising they’ve run out of lies to put in the manifesto, it has emerged.

An anonymous minister said: “The PM was totally up for a snap general election, as this would have given her a clear mandate to attack the poorest and most vulnerable in society in ways that would have made even Margaret Thatcher blush.”

“However, it was quickly recognised that we have in fact used up all possible lies during the 2015 general election manifesto and the EU referendum campaign.”

The former mayor of London continued: “Faced with the prospect of having to create a truthful election manifesto outlining all the evil plans our party has to destroy the lives of the little people, the Cabinet was in unanimous agreement that the idea for a snap election should be shelved until our team of spin doctors are able to concoct new lies to hoodwink the people into voting Conservative against their best interests.”

“One of my ministerial colleagues argued that people are ready to know the truth about how we plan to liquidate the NHS and starve the poor.”

“But Theresa felt it would be safer to wait, and then go down the customary route of producing a manifesto composed entirely of lies, only for it to be disowned and deleted from our webpages the day after the election.”

UK News

Stop exposing us as heartless c**ts, Tory MPs tell social media users

1 Comment

Tory members of Parliament have demanded that social media users stop exposing them as heartless c**ts, it has emerged.

Iain Duncan Smith said: “As Minister for Manslaughter, I voted to take money away from disabled people because it is in the national interest for the most vulnerable people to be demonised, hounded and starved to death.”

“I also tried to get as many children into poverty as possible, through a series of sadistic cuts to benefits, and an unfair regime of sanctions which punish benefit claimants for things like being ill or dead.”

“I am now quite shocked and saddened that social media users are exposing me as a heartless cu*nt by publicising my voting record and excessive expense claims on Facebook and Twitter.”

“This has to stop, and we will be consulting lawyers about what action we can take to shut down this unwelcome dissent.”

Mr Duncan Smith added: “Just because we’re enacting Nazi policies in modern Britain, that doesn’t give social media users the right to expose the truth about heroes like me.”