Tories propose ‘youth tax’ to fund increase in pensioner benefits

By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

Senior back-bench Conservatives and Nigel Farage have called on the government to implement a tax on young people, to fund a massive increase in pensioner benefits during the massive recession that Brexit is expected to provoke.

Jacob Rees-Mogg said: “The increasing deficit and falling tax revenues are directly related to the failure of young people in this country to work hard enough.”

“Instead, they live a life of luxury in shared houses paying tiny amounts of rent, have meager student debts, and own iPhones. It’s now time to put an end to the lazy and feckless young.”

“I call on the government to introduce a ‘young person tax’ that will apply to anyone under the age of 40 who has not been to public school.”

“I would also like to see the creation of a volunteer service for young people. All under 40s would be required to volunteer for 5 hours a week in the households of over 60s, in order to help social cohesion.”

“Being forced to do tasks such as cooking, cleaning, gardening, and emptying adult nappies would teach the young the importance of taking responsibility for themselves.”

“It is also crucial that we place an immediate ban on the sale of iPhones to young people. This technology is a threat to national security, because it allows young people to complain about Brexit and share information about the Leave campaign’s lies and idiocy.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, another Conservative MP and former chancellor who was once photographed with an alleged prostitute, said: “We Conservatives have long realized that the key for us to stay in government is to royally screw the young, on behalf of the older generations.”

“It is therefore vital that hardworking pensioners continue to be rewarded, at the expense of people of working age.”

“It’s actually a very simple scam. People of working age pay for pensions and social provisions for the older generations, who then decide they would like to live more comfortably, and so workers must be made poorer, or the young must be robbed of their future, or both.”

“What terrifies the establishment more than anything, even more than Brexit, is the day when the young experience a politically awakening and realise they are being f*cked over, and by whom.”

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