By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez
David Davis has negotiated a bespoke resignation deal that would allow him to keep his ministerial salary and continue to attend Cabinet meetings, he has announced.
Speaking to reporters, the former Minister for Exiting the European Union said? “I spent two years getting paid a ministerial salary for doing absolutely nothing, and I do not see why that should not continue now that I have voted to leave the Government.”
“I have negotiated a bespoke deal with Theresa May that would allow me to continue to receive a ministerial salary, have use of ministerial car, and attend Cabinet meetings as before. This is what I was voting for when I decided to resign my ministerial post, and the will of the person must be respected.”
“Of course, when I say I have negotiated a bespoke deal, what I really mean is I have invented a fantasy proposal in my own mind and I plan to present it to the Prime Minister later today. The Prime Minister will definitely agree to all my demands, however outrageous or unrealistic, because the Government need me more they I need them.”
However, Number 10 issued a statement on behalf of the Prime Minister, saying: “Let me be clear: Resignation means resignation. Mr Davis’s plans to cherry pick a deal are completely unacceptable. Either you are in or out of my government.”
“But let me also be clear that the opposition from the EU to my own cherry picking are unacceptable, and they seem unable to understand we can and will have our cake and eat it.”
David Davis has resigned from his post, to be able to spend more time with his magical fantasies, it has been announced.
The former Brexit Secretary explained: “For years I have lived in a surreal fantasy dream world where the normal laws of physics do not apply, allowing me to avoid the reality of a realistic Brexit.”
“But when forced to agree to a workable plan for Brexit that does not involve economic catastrophe and mass job losses, I have been given no choice except to resign in protest.”
“I now look forward to spending more time with my magical fantasies, where unicorns roam freely across purple plains while singing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.”
David Davis has been awarded an honorary doctorate by the University of Life, it has been announced.
The university’s Vice Chancellor, Professor Chris Bumfield, said: “In recognition of the extraordinary work David Davis has done towards a destructive and racist Brexit, we are extremely proud to award him an honorary Ph.D. in the area of Brexit Science.”
“The way he finessed the question of the simultaneous existence and non-existence of those 58 sectorial impact studies was a tour de force, and is an example of the high quality Brexit Science that this university is keen to promote.”
The University of Life is Britain’s fastest growing university, and its stated aims include giving its students negative IQs by the end of their three-year course, by replacing rational, fact-based thought processes with magical thinking that defies all logic. Its most popular course is the PhD programme in the area of Brexit Science, which has attracted record funding from the government in an attempt to find elusive reasons why leaving the EU might improve the country.
Accepting his diploma, David Davis said: “The University of Life is at the forefront of our brave efforts to reduce Britain to a herd of idiotic sheep who will do and vote exactly as the ruling tell them.”
“It provides validation to people who are basically stupid but want to make believe that a lifetime of watching TV and reading the Sun are equivalent or better than having actually learnt to think at an actual university or college.”
By Dorothy Hotdog
David Davis has agreed to buy a sofa from DFS at the full price, it has been announced.
The triumphant Brexit Secretary said: “I entered DFS with red lines. It was important to get a larger sofa than the last one, and pay nothing for it. I am pleased to say those red lines have been preserved and I have only paid twice as much for a smaller sofa”
“I did agree to wash the salesman’s car every Sunday for a year too.”
“We need to look beyond that at the real impact the new sofa will have on Ten Downing Street”
“Britons will now see the clear progress that has been made, and will continue to be made, as we transition from our old sitting arrangement to the new one.”
Following the loss of the three seater sofa, and its replacement with a two seater, Mr. Davis is expected to be made to sit on the floor during meetings.
By Jeff Sanchez ad Johnny Zenith
Britain will become a world-beating exporter of circular reasoning, the Brexit Secretary has boasted.
Speaking out after a series of embarrassing failures, David Davis said: “British businesses must do more to embrace the great opportunities presented by the senseless destruction of our economy by Brexit.”
“We had a non-binding referendum which we won based on a pack of lies, and now business leaders must respect the will of the gullible and help us go through with this unnecessary and avoidable economic suicide.”
“Even though all of our companies will go bust or else relocate to the European mainland, Britain can still become a world-beating exporter of the finest circular reasoning, along with jams, biscuits and flip flops.”
“In fact, when companies move their head-quarters and jobs out of the UK as a direct result of Brexit, this is a kind of export boom and Remainers should be doing more to acknowledge this success.”
By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez
The government is to create a Ministry of Silly Talks, David Davis has announced.
The announcement was made near the end of a rambling and incoherent speech in which the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union also admitted there is no actual plan for exiting the European Union.
Mr Davis said: “The Ministry of Silly Talks will allow me to spout complete bullshit about a variety of topics, not just Brexit as is currently the case, and in a manner that allows the Prime Minister to avoid the embarrassment of having to repeatedly disown my idiotic statements as merely my ‘personal opinion'”.
On the subject of post-Brexit trade, the minister added: “We want all the trade! On all the terms! And none of the bits! And good things for us! And bad things for you!”
Mr Davis also threatened to repeal the act of Parliament that gives the United States of America its independence unless the UK goes to the front of the queue in trade negotiations, adding that Britain has an independent nuclear deterrent and wouldn’t hesitate to use it.
Brushing aside the legitimate concerns of the Japanese government about Brexit, the Secretary of State retorted: “Who needs Japan anyway.”
“All they have is sushi and vending machines selling school girl underwear. It’s not like they actually make cars; we do that in Sunderland.”
By Jeff Sanchez and Johnny Zenith
Government ministers have demanded the immediate invention of virtual reality headsets that can superimpose a realistic graphical representation of a white British person on top of any black, asian or foreign person they may meet in the street, it has emerged.
Brexit minister David Davis said: “On the 23rd of June the people clearly voted for Britain to go back to its racist past and kick out all foreigners and non-whites.”
“However, leaving the EU is going to take several years and the economy is going to be in the toilet for several decades or more as a result. But many Brexiters cannot wait that long due to being in their 60s or 70s.”
“Therefore, a radical solution is urgently needed, and the invention of a virtual reality headset will allow Leave voters to live in the surreal fantasy dream-world that they voted for.”
“In the coming days the government will put out to tender a contract to develop and manufacture a Brexit VR device which has advanced technological capabilities, such as flagging and masking the negative impact of Brexit on daily life, or replacing non-white or foreign people with high definition texture maps depicting British people of good Aryan stock.”
The professional liar added: “But most importantly, the on-board software will also auto-correct the shape of evil EU bananas, add raw sewage to British beaches, and place a Judeo-Christian style halo above the head of national saviour Sir Nigel Farage OBE.”