By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

David Davis has negotiated a bespoke resignation deal that would allow him to keep his ministerial salary and continue to attend Cabinet meetings, he has announced.

Speaking to reporters, the former Minister for Exiting the European Union said? “I spent two years getting paid a ministerial salary for doing absolutely nothing, and I do not see why that should not continue now that I have voted to leave the Government.”

“I have negotiated a bespoke deal with Theresa May that would allow me to continue to receive a ministerial salary, have use of  ministerial car, and attend Cabinet meetings as before. This is what I was voting for when I decided to resign my ministerial post, and the will of the person must be respected.”

“Of course, when I say I have negotiated a bespoke deal, what I really mean is I have invented a fantasy proposal in my own mind and I plan to present it to the Prime Minister later today. The Prime Minister will definitely agree to all my demands, however outrageous or unrealistic, because the Government need me more they I need them.”

However, Number 10 issued a statement on behalf of the Prime Minister, saying: “Let me be clear: Resignation means resignation. Mr Davis’s plans to cherry pick a deal are completely unacceptable. Either you are in or out of my government.”

“But let me also be clear that the opposition from the EU to my own cherry picking are unacceptable, and they seem unable to understand we can and will have our cake and eat it.”

David Davis has resigned from his post, to be able to spend more time with his magical fantasies, it has been announced.

The former Brexit Secretary explained: “For years I have lived in a surreal fantasy dream world where the normal laws of physics do not apply, allowing me to avoid the reality of a realistic Brexit.”

“But when forced to agree to a workable plan for Brexit that does not involve economic catastrophe and mass job losses, I have been given no choice except to resign in protest.”

“I now look forward to spending more time with my magical fantasies, where unicorns roam freely across purple plains while singing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.”

By Dorothy Hotdog

David Davis has agreed to buy a sofa from DFS at the full price, it has been announced.

The triumphant Brexit Secretary said: “I entered DFS with red lines. It was important to get a larger sofa than the last one, and pay nothing for it. I am pleased to say those red lines have been preserved and I have only paid twice as much for a smaller sofa”

“I did agree to wash the salesman’s car every Sunday for a year too.”

“We need to look beyond that at the real impact the new sofa will have on Ten Downing Street”

“Britons will now see the clear progress that has been made, and will continue to be made, as we transition from our old sitting arrangement to the new one.”

Following the loss of the three seater sofa, and its replacement with a two seater, Mr. Davis is expected to be made to sit on the floor during meetings.