A man who chose to plunge millions of children into poverty is now pretending he does in fact give a shit about the quality of their education, it has emerged.
Former Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne said: “My cruel austerity policies were designed to squeeze the poorest families in Britain, in order to funnel more money to people who are already rich.”
“Even though I understood the consequences of austerity, such as a huge increase in homelessness, the death of vast numbers of the sick and disabled, and a massive rise in child poverty, I went ahead regardless because I just don’t give a shit about those people.
“They are the undeserving poor and disabled, and can fuck off. Or so I thought.”
“I am now asking the public to believe that I have changed my ideology to that of Jeremy Corbyn, and that I do now actually give a shit about at least some of them.”
“I am publicly opposing Theresa May’s reintroduction of grammar schools because they are bad for the majority of children, and definitely not because I am angered that she failed to give me a position in her cabinet of millionaires, because that would be the height of hypocrisy.”
George Osborne has today completed a total of 27 cuts in just 27 days.
The Chancellor ended his exertions under a statue of Rhodes in Oxford. “It was very, very tough. The 27 cuts were intended to reflect the 27 years Mr Mandela spent in jail before becoming South Africa’s worst president.”
Osborne’s endurance feat has cut more than £1.35 billion and the 2016 Tory Tax Relief total now stands at £56 billion.
Over the course of the 27 cuts he battled eating too much caviar, complaining about a noisy Top Gear Episode being filmed outside, and a desire to laugh at disabled people.
He was also forced to avoid a scheduled cut on the fifth day of the challenge, which meant he had to make two cuts on the final day.
“It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” said a very tired Osborne. “Thank you to everyone who voted Tory, and don’t do this at home.”
Jim Davidson, Rebekkah Brooks and Mike Reid are among those who tweeted their congratulations.
Chancellor George Osborne has today warned that more of the poor and disabled may need to die, due to new and unnecessary spending cuts in the upcoming budget.
Mr Osborne told Fox News’ political editor Laura Kuenssberg that global economic issues and reduced growth meant “we may need to undertake further reductions” in the poor and disabled populace.
He said in the exclusive interview with Kuenssberg, a political ally of the Conservative Party: “We may need to undertake further reductions in the number of people on benefits because this country can only afford what it can afford and we’ll address that in the Budget because I’m absolutely clear we’ve got to root our country in the principle that we live within our means and that we have economic security.”
He went on to say the “whole purpose of our economic plan was to accelerate our redistribution of wealth from the poor, disabled and vulnerable to the retirees and the wealthy, to whom this country owes so much.”
He added: “All welfare and a decent education does is produce Labour voters. Because of this we are committed to plunging poor families into abject poverty and to destroying their educational chances, as this will make Great Britain Great Great Britain again.”
The Taxpayers’ Alliance campaign group has welcomed the plans.