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Tories pledge to make UK a ‘National Socialist’ state by 2020

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The Conservative Party is demanding that ‘National Socialism’ should be given a second chance in Britain, it has emerged.

Among the highlights of the Conservative Party conference this week, the hardline Tory fruitcake Andrea Leadsom said: “I’ve read up on some history and I think National Socialism is a fabulous idea. Let’s make Brexit Britain a National Socialist state by 2020.”

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has suggested that “British doctors and scientists should have their passports confiscated to force them to stay and work in Britain.”

He added: “And if they still try to flee the country to sell their knowledge to an enemy power in Europe or elsewhere, they will face good old imperial justice and will have a hand severed using a machete.”

Priti Patel has also proposed reintroducing the death penalty for foreigners and people who earn less than £100,000 a year, saying; “Equality is important, but discriminating against the poor and foreigners is even more important.”

“And that is why we should consider using the death penalty to speed up the cleansing of the poor and people who came here from somewhere else.”

UK News

I’ve had an ‘Aleppan conversion’ to Brexit, says Theresa May

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By Jeff Sanchez and Dorothy Hotdog

The Prime Minister has had an ‘Aleppan conversion’ to the Brexit cause, the government has announced.

A spokesperson for dictator Theresa May said: “After seeing Syrian city of Aleppo being reduced to rubble by a series of abysmally bad decisions by the Syrian government, with the help of foreign powers and terrorist militias, she is now convinced that we should try something similar here in the United Kingdom. She calls it her Aleppan conversion to Brexit.”

“It’s like a Damascene conversion, only way more destructive.”

It is understood that although Mrs. May had initially been disinterested in leaving the EU, she soon recognised the possibilities Brexit presents for her to turn the UK into a dictatorship of the right, and to inducing mass unemployment and poverty.

Speaking to Sky News, May said: “Only from ruins can we build a new Jerusalem of smoggy factories, workshops, and child poverty.”

“And finally win our independence from the evil thrall of the Europeans who have dominated our country and ruled it as a colony for the past 42 years.”

USA News

Hillary: Lazy ‘Basement dwellers’ should not have right to vote

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Lazy ‘basement dwellers’ who want a fairer distribution of wealth in the United States should be denied the right to vote, Hillary Clinton has claimed.

The presidential candidate told reporters: “Bill and I accumulated our vast wealth entirely legally and through nothing more than decades of really hard work, so I will not be lectured by hopeless basement dwellers who have considerably less wealth, and thus less societal worth, than Bill and I.”

“Their demands for a fairer distribution of wealth are dangerous and could cause significant losses for my Wall Street friends, who definitely have no influence over me despite their large donations to my campaign to buy the presidency.”

“And that is why, if elected President of the United States, I will immediately ban disaffected millennials from exercising their right to vote, especially if they might be considering voting for somebody like Bernie Sanders.”

Mrs. Clinton added: “I will also immediately ban that photo of me boarding a plane after I had accidentally shat myself.”

This post is satirical and contains quotes that are untrue.

UK News

We have a duty to report Conservative lies as facts, says BBC

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The BBC has a legal and moral duty to report Conservative lies and misinformation as facts, it has been announced.

Speaking exclusively to Newscrasher, the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg said: “As an integral part of the state propaganda network, the BBC has a legal and moral obligation to give undue prominence to claims made by the Conservative government, and to present their lies and misinformation uncritically and without scrutiny.”

“At the same time, we absolutely have to lead the media crack down on Labour, who are antisemitic and are trying to overthrow the government via the ballot box.”

The former Conservative Journalist of the Year added: “If Jeremy Corbyn’s red menace succeeds in thwarting the heroic austerity and NHS privatisation programmes of the most popular government in the history of Britain, then the nation truly will be in the shit, because it could lead to a slight decrease in the bank balance of some of the richest people in Britain and that would be unjust.”

 

UK News

BBC Question Time to be renamed ‘Right Wing Anti Corbyn Time’

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The BBC’s news and current affairs discussion programme Question Time is to be renamed ‘Right Wing Anti Corbyn Time’, it has been announced today.

A spokesman for the BBC said: “For a long time the British public has been moving towards the right, thanks to visionary journalism from papers such as The Sun and the Daily Express, and patriotic campaigning by fascist groups like UKIP, Britain First and the EDL.”

“By changing the name of Question Time to ‘Right Wing Anti Corbyn Time’, we are merely catching-up with public opinion which is now firmly hard right and violently anti-Corbyn.”

However, an anonymous source from the BBC told Newscrasher: “Here at the BBC we are just following the orders that come down from the boss in Number 10.”

“With numerous major ongoing scandals and massive incompetence from the Government, we are under strict orders to normalise hard right and far right political ideals, and divert attention from all the bad shit the Tories are up to right now, such as privatising the NHS and massive electoral fraud.”

“A key component of our current plan is to keep hammering away at Jeremy Corbyn, to ensure his popularity remains artificially low, and to send a message that Labour members must only ever choose right wing leaders.”

Right wing Labour rebel Tristram Hunt said: “I welcome the BBC’s war on Jeremy Corbyn, who has no right to lead the party. This is a man who is pure evil, because he wants not only to get into government on a left wing ticket, but also because he is honest enough to deliver on his manifesto promises unlike feted war criminal Tony Blair.”

UK News

Theresa May had a private meeting with her boss, Rupert Murdoch

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Theresa May had a private meeting with her boss Rupert Murdoch during a visit to New York last week, in which she made her maiden speech to the UN as self-proclaimed dictator of the United Kingdom.

The Prime Minister announced: “Rupert Murdoch is a great friend to the United Kingdom, and he has promised to keep on smearing Jeremy Corbyn as long as I do everything he asks of me, starting with hard Brexit and privatisation of the BBC.”

“We also discussed the possibility of having The Sun newspaper officially declared ‘Jewish’, so that any criticism or refusal to buy the paper could be prosecuted as a race hate crime. Of course, we’re going to need a lot more surveillance of the general public to enforce this.”

Speaking at the UN  general assembly, Mrs. May argued that the fraudulent EU referendum result was a signal that they want a “politics that is more in touch with their racist concerns and reckless action to address them”.

“It was also a very clear sign that the British people are ready for me to rule as a dictator, using the Royal Prerogative to bypass Parliament and simply do anything I want, whenever I want.”

“The challenge for those of us in this room is to ensure our governments and our global institutions, such as this United Nations, remain responsive to the people that we serve,” she added.

“When our friends in the media have brainwashed the people into being fearful of immigrants, then can we unleash our most repressive policies and destroy their lives with scams such as austerity and Brexit.”

UK News

Man holding a banana thinks he looks prime ministerial

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By Dorothy Hotdog and Jeff Sanchez

A man holding a banana believes he looks prime ministerial, it has emerged. Former Foreign Secretary David Miliband, who decided to move to the USA and get rich working for a charity after his failed bid for the Labour leadership, said: “Even though I have no policies, no ideals, and no integrity, I think I could be prime minister.”

“I’m not my brother, and that’s why I can win”, the banana-wielding former politician added.

“I sulkily quit UK politics because I failed to get elected as leader of the Labour Party, a position that was mine by rights. I just do not understand why the party rejected me for Ed, who had actual ideas and shit.”

“My qualities are limitless, such as being tainted by the Blair years and the Iraq war, my implication in the ‘extraordinary rendition’ scandal, and my cynical briefing against my own brother when he proved more popular and became party leader.”

“What’s more, as a true Blairite I have no ideals except obtaining power and getting rich, and I have no ideas about how to address any of the major issues facing the British people. Issues like grinding poverty, the destruction of the NHS, or homelessness, none of which I give a shit about.”

“With the unfortunate death of Jo Cox, I thought I could easily get myself parachuted into her parliamentary seat, from where I would be able to launch a new coup against the wing of the party that wants to make people’s lives better, but once again I was cruelly denied my birthright of becoming leader and prime minister.”

“The people of Batley were betrayed when I was stopped from honouring the memory of Jo Cox by furthering my own personal ambition to get into power and to get as rich as Tony Blair.”

UK News

Undercover reporters discover chilling evidence of democracy in the Labour Party

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Undercover reporters have found chilling evidence for democracy in the Labour Party, it has emerged.

After infiltrating public meetings between members of the Labour Party, the journalists made the shocking discovery that some people are interested in replacing politicians with new ones who will actually work in the interests of the people.

The explosive revelations of democracy in the Labour Party were broadcast by Channel 4’s Dispatches on Monday 19 September.

One of the journalists involved told Newscrasher: “A close ally of war criminal Tony Blair tasked us to do a hatchet job on the Momentum organisation, to try to damage Jeremy Corbyn and influence the leadership election”.

“He hit the roof when we told him we didn’t find anything untoward, so we just used strange camera angles and weird music to give the impression that something sinister was going down in those meetings”.

“We also found evidence for a Trotskyite creche, which is basically just an ordinary creche”.

Labour MP for Exeter Ben Bradshaw commented: “I fully oppose moves to deselect sitting MPs like me who are blatantly not working for the interests of the people who elected them, especially the undeserving poor who we now know created the recent global economic collapse.”

“Once elected, being a member of Parliament should be a job for life, even if they sell out their constituents like I have”.

UK News

I wanted to challenge Corbyn but feared looking an arsehole, says Owen Smith

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I wanted to launch a leadership challenge against Jeremy Corbyn but was afraid of looking like an arsehole, Owen Smith has announced.

The Labour MP for Pontypridd said: “Ever since I pulled the girl who became my wife, and without the use of Viagra I must add, I have coveted the leadership of the Labour Party. However, fear of looking like an arsehole kept me from making a challenge myself.”

“But thanks to Angela’s heroic and well timed leadership challenge in an empty room, I was able to run for the leadership without looking like a complete bastard of a backstabber.”

“Even though my allies on the Labour NEC are busy purging likely Corbyn voters for various spurious thought-crimes, it is possible that I still might not win.”

“Therefore, I echo Tom Watson’s call for the leadership vote to be considered advisory only, which would then allow Iain McNicol to take the final, legally binding decision.”

“I also fully agree with Tom’s visionary proposal to give each and every Blairite MP one hundred thousand votes each, as a counterbalance against the large number of left wing voters whose lives have been ruined by successive Tory and right wing Labour governments.”

“We really must prevent lifelong Labour members, some of whom have been in the party or voting labour for several decades, from seizing power away from right wing entryists like Tom Watson, Angela Eagle or me.”

UK News

Backstabbing careerists like Ben Bradshaw are the good guys, says Luke Akehurst

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Backstabbing careerists who have been sabotaging Jeremy Corbyn from day one of his leadership are in fact the good guys, Luke Akehurst has claimed.

The former Labour NEC member said: “It is wrong to say that left wing humanists within the Labour Party are the good guys in the battle we on the right have forced them into.”

“I have secret evidence that they are evil satanic monsters, and that Blairite careerists like Ben Bradshaw are in fact the good guys here.”

“And that is why my Twitter feed is almost entirely devoted to abusing Jeremy Corbyn and his supporters, with precious little mention of the Conservative Government’s cruel policies, many of which I broadly agree with.”

“It is essential that the voting public are forced to choose between two right wing Thatcherite parties, and for this reason Labour absolutely must remain on the right at all costs.”

The Labour MP for Exeter, Ben Bradshaw, said: “I am honoured that a right winger like Mr Akehurst would hold me up as an example of an uncaring careerist who pretends to have Labour values to get elected, but who actually works against the interests of the poor and vulnerable.”

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